Editors Picks
With another year closed, we at Weekly Humorist would like to take a moment to reflect on all that has happened in 2024. It’s been an eventful year for us, filled with exciting new projects and growth in our small but mighty brand. Here are some highlights from this past year:
We published our 29th book from Humorist Books and 372 issues of Weekly Humorist Magazine, a milestone that marked a significant expansion of our brand in print media! This year we published Getting the Girl: A Gentleman’s Guide to Seduction, Allurement, and Beguilance by Andrew Munge, The Vowels of the Earth by Matthew David Brozik, Man Poems: A Book of Broetry by Jonathan Stone and Ron Barret, Langley Powell and the Society for the Defense of the Mundane by Jeff Giles , Walker by Sam Pasternack, Community Pool by Keith James, Drinksgiving by Dewey Lovett, Home for Halloween and Whatever You Do, You Die: A “Pick Your Own” Adventure by Brandon Hicks. Our slate of books for the new year is packed with massive talent and we can’t wait for you to read them!
In the realm of auditory entertainment, we continued to produce the cult-hit show The Cartoon Pad podcast with the the very funny Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw, our flagship comedy interview show Talkward, & The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast. Coming out soon will be our newest podcasts FUNNY BOOKS hosted by our books editor, the wonderful Brian Boone and STRONG STREAM hosted by Marty Dundics, where we will dive into what to watch and skip.
We had the pleasure of working as a producer on our first feature film. This venture into the cinematic world was an invigorating experience for our team and marked another significant achievement for Weekly Humorist and Humorist Media! That film, NOEL, NOEL, NOEL, is a Christmas indie comedy that is hopefully making it into Tribeca this year! We hear it might be on Netflix this coming holiday season!
Finally, the BIGGEST change was our venture out WEST! Humorist is now a partner in a new exciting comedy club chain from our friends at National Lampoon. National Lampoon: The Yellow Door opened its first location in the Gaslamp Quarter of San Diego in July. It’s been packed and serving up laughs to happy crowds ever since. Next location is in West Hollywood, CA. This also created the expansion of our new Los Angeles office in Century City. We have a pile a TV and film scripts that will be getting some attention this year. Mostly because Marty doesn’t have a social life anymore.
Go West Young Man!
Other New Additions To Trump’s Bible
Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!
Pros and Cons of Becoming a Vampire
Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves “The Lost Girls.”
Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film “The Lost Boys” featuring Kiefer Sutherland.
Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?
Is it…Measles, Shingles, Bubonic Plague, Justinian Plague (making a comeback) Or more!
A Letter from Someone Who Wants to Keep a Confederate Statue Up Solely Because That’s Where He Lost His Virginity
Once ol’ General Jackson is no longer standing in the park, where will I point to when I want to recount to people the greatest night of my life? How will I explain to my son where his old man received his first ever sloppy toppy?
Your New iPhone with AiOS
The Health app becomes overly concerned about your well-being and starts diagnosing you with rare diseases based on your daily step count. And more!
Everything I Remember
As I handle mementos around my house, they bring up recollections from many years ago. The movie-ticket stub that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The program from a play that I found and fished out of a public garbage can. The public garbage can that I carried home in case anything else interesting was in there. Now I use it to store my mementos.
Conversations Between a Woman and the Dog She’s Unknowingly Dating on ‘Love Is Blind’
KELSIE R.: Babe! OMG that is so great you feel the same way! I’ve had no luck in the past and 100% of the guys I’ve dated have cheated on me. But you get me, and I know just by talking to you that you’d never stray. I’m getting loyal vibes! Maverick, I think–no I know–I’m falling in love with you. And you don’t have to say it back. I know it’s soon. [MAVERICK lifts his leg and pees in a plant.]
AITA for Creating a Universe Without Any Proof of My Existence and Then Punishing People for All Eternity if They Don’t Believe In Me?
My son (32M) and I have been arguing about this for ages. He says it’s unfair of me to require total unwavering belief without offering the slightest shred of evidence that I exist. I say he needs to stop blaming ME for other people’s suffering, despite the fact that I control the past, present, and future, that my will is all-encompassing, and that my plan cannot be deviated from.
Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You
Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board. We’ll start with our active duty service members. No one? Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches. Only two people? In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas. Thank you for your service!
Forget St. Patrick, Get Drunk for Brigid
I get it. You like to drink. Patrick is your fun guy, the divorced* dad who lets you do anything you please at weekends. And you think because I am a consecrated virgin, I’m no fun? I turned water into beer, you half-wits! You want to dye your beer and your rivers green for that preening jackass, go right ahead, but turning beer into green beer looks pretty weak compared with turning regular H2O into fun juice, you ask me.
Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
Caesar Ignores the Signs
CALPURNIA: Husband, please. I had a premonition—your statue drenched in blood. CAESAR: The blood of my enemies, no doubt! Thank you, that’s a nice confidence-booster.
Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird
Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off. These things happen. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s totally fine. But why is it so wet? Is it a poop or a pee? Or a combo… Anyway, it’s good luck. I think. Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere? I could use […]
I’m Your Middle-Grade School’s Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.
You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here.
I’m Katie Britt’s Kitchen Table, and Let Me Tell You – This Bitch Is Crazy
Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket.
This New York City Apartment Is Perfect. The Only Drawback Is the Coat Closet That’s a Direct Portal to the Ninth Circle of Hell
Tom is a spirit with bat wings and a tail, condemned to a cell that just so happens to be 12-stories directly below this Park Slope apartment’s coat closet. Tom is eternally on fire. He is also the love of my life.
GOPlayer One Go!
CPAC-Man: You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention. Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game! Ah, who’re we kidding? No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway. This game has endless lives.
Tips for Eating Out
Making Healthy Choices: DO order your salad dressing on the side / DON’T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw
Children’s Programming For Drugged Out Parents
The Flintstoned, Sesame Tweak, Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur, and more!
Soaring Surge Pricing That We Don’t Want to See
When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you’ve downloaded to your Kindle. And more!
Other Oxymoronic Wellness Regimens to Add to Your ‘Power Nap’
Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.
At Netflix, We’re Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film’s All-Beverage Cast
Dunkin’ Iced Coffee: Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor): Self-conscious artist making film within a film, and more!
I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway
But why am I quitting being a teacher? Well, here: Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents. None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie.
Different Office Door Positions and How to Interpret Them
I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!
If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here’s Some Other Things I’d Like Him to Take
Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
You Want Me To Talk? What’s Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?
You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?
A Swiftie Guide For NFL Fans & A Super Bowl Fan Guide For Swifties
Remember, the Swiftie is not here for football. The Swiftie is here for Taylor. Taylor is also not here for football. She is here for her latest flame, Travis Kelce. Travis is here for the Kansas City Chiefs. And by the transitive property, the Swifties are here for the Kansas City Chiefs. This is the nightmare we’re in, people. Apologies for the light math.
Zillow Listings for Literary Properties
Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).
Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks
Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers’ peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.
Song Titles From Ben Shapiro’s Forthcoming Rap Album Am I Cool Now
With songs like “I Like Rap Now (But Not Black People)” “America Is Racist (Against White Men)” “I Am 40 Years Old and Scared of the Dark” And more!
Chip Happens: Unexpected Neuralink Side Effects
You discover that your brain is mining Dogecoin while you sleep.
I’m a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone’s Therapist
Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”
How to Escape From Prison
Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.
How Americans Drank Water Before The Stanley Cup: A Timeline Across Decades
1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water. Think about it– unless you had two mouths, you couldn’t do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20.
In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to ‘Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School’
Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.
Are You Staying at “Clyde’s Rustic Farmhouse Escape” AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?
There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!
How to Write Brfly
People think writing brfly is hard, but it’s really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr—sometimes even entire altogether.
