Jason Vorhees' Camp Crystal Lake Etiquette

Please don't bring guns into my woods. They're just not safe. If you know how to use a gun properly, that's great, but c'mon... accidents do happen. And we all know that bullets can't hurt me anyway, so just don't even bother.

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

REVIEW: Halloween Ends

I take no pleasure in dogging Halloween Ends. I’m literally its target audience. Regardless of quality, there are very few slasher films I don’t enjoy, including the worst of the Halloween sequels! Unfortunately, this movie spent too much time in a room with its own farts and forgot it was even supposed to be a slasher movie.

Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists

*Not a comprehensive guide: mermaids are fictional creatures.

EXCERPT: The Complete Book of Cat Names (That Your Cat Won't Answer to, Anyway)

Basically, a baby name book but the babies were replaced by kittens. There are over 100,000 names…with about a 1,000 included in this book. The following is a sampling, in topics: Cats That Refuse To Use Litter Box: Surprises, U Kitten Me, Scat Cat. Porn Names For Cats: Kitty Kitty Bang Bang. Deep Coat, and more. Makes a purrrfect gift.

REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone

The basic rom-com set-up of "woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures" is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).

REVIEW: The Batman

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

Excerpt From 'Passable in Pink' The Novelization

The opening chords for the classic Beatles version of “Twist and Shout” could not be heard but Grimer began to sing along anyway, swaying and sashaying, all cute and delightful, motioning to the hundreds of businessmen glancing out their high rise office windows, including a certain advertising copywriter who did a doubletake when he saw a girl who looked exactly like his daughter, which was all but impossible, as she was still in school, she never skipped!

Anatomy of a Sketch: Derrick Comedy’s “Thomas Jefferson”

In the mid-2000s, when college sketch group videos were suddenly all over the place, Derrick Comedy easily made the best ones. Derrick was a five-person operation originally out of New York University best known for their 2009 cult classic feature Mystery Team, but they also made “Thomas Jefferson,” which is, fun fact, the greatest comedy sketch of all time. Really. 

Mythical Missed Connections

You [Odysseus]: Strapped to the mast of your ship, begging for release. Us [Sirens]: The flock of smoking hot bird-babes perched on the rocks, brutalizing you with our siren song. No one has ever resisted us before! Or since!

Other Cuts Made to Netflix Originals

The disastrous live-action pilot for Bojack Horseman: After seeing how horrific the half-human characters would have looked in a more realistic setting, it is now evident why Netflix started their animation division. And more.

Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.

Original Dialogue Behind Famous Improvised Movie Lines

Improvised: “Thff thff thff thff thff thff.” – Anthony Hopkins Original: “Thff Thff.” In a stroke of genius, Hopkins improvised four more thff’s than the script called for. Another fun fact is that Hopkins also improvised Hannibal Lector being a cannibal.

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

Lost Episodes of Frasier

S. 12 Ep. 004: "Night Maris" Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier's building.

An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020's Possible Best Picture Nominees

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.

Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

How to Save Football

At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.

Things Famous Men Can Talk About In An Interview Other Than Masturbation

Recently an interview Paul McCartney did for GQ regales readers with a story about masturbating with John Lennon. Possibly, it seems, famous men need a helpful list of things to talk about in interviews that are not masturbating.

New Programming for Fall Season: TV Mashups

Loveboat NCIS, West Wing World, Golden Girls of Gilead Got Talent and more.

So, a Character in a Thing You Like Has Been Cast, With a Non-Straight White Male and You Are Angry. A Next Step Guide.

Resist the urge to make a "White Luke Cage" argument. Do…

4 Sex Positions Where You Can Secretly Watch a Steve Harvey Hosted Show

Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

Classic Male Movies Remade as “Feminist” Flicks

Ghostbusters, Oceans 8, and the coming-soon remakes of timeless stories like 'What a Woman Wants' have shown us that women have very low standards for what is considered a feminist “win” for Hollywood. So here are my pitches for the next ballbuster blockbuster...

Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials

Bible: Let he who is without sin podcast throwing the first stone Shakespeare’s…

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows

Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems.    In creative mediums…

The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock

1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About…

Bingeworthy New Kidlit Adaptations, Coming Soon From The Producers Of Breaking Bad

"Netflix’s gritty adaptation of Anne of Green Gables will return…

15 Things That Are Unquestionably True at the Gym

Assuming the spread-eagle position in public is perfectly okay…

Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point

Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…

Dead Celebrity Museum

  Elvis Presley's Hips Fit for a king. The very…

Weekly Humorist's Guide To Hip, Hot Mid-Season Replacement TV Shows!

Listen to this article.   Muff Divers   Trinity…

The Real Reasons That Fans Are So Upset By The New Star Wars Movie

There is a disturbance in the Force.  Or perhaps its simply…

5 Takeaways from The Christmas Classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”

Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All…

Recent Justice League Sexual Harassment Allegations

Super-powered individuals are placed on a pedestal in our society,…

11 Celebrity Dogs from TV & Film and How They Utilized Their Fame

• Benji (Benji, 1974): Worked as a canvasser for the Reagan…

What Abbreviated Band Names are Actually Short For

10cc. Member Lol Creme would always ask band mate Kevin Godley…

All the New Cable Channels

"Comedy" Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim…

Donald Trump's Take On Classic Fairy Tales

Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody…

Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players

Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…

New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers

Acting They certainly have the practice of pretending to be…

There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin

I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…

Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word

Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National…

Are You Sure You Want To Log Out?

        &nbs…

14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words

Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim…

I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…

8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…

The War on Penis Terror: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 5)

~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~ Eager to earn your dignity as an honored…

Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…

Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…

Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…

Things We Learned From The New Spider-Man Trailer

Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of…

Kid-Lit of the Revolution

"...it turns out, Kim Jong Il —along with dad Kim Il Sung —…

Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…

Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…

Most Anticipated New Reality Shows

Extreme Vetting  Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…

Unwanted Virtual Reality "Brand Experiences"

 The FedEx Immersive Apartment Feel like you’re actually…

Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots

Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the…

I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something

Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…

Other Big Goofs From Last Night's Oscars

Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape. Jimmy…

Trumped Oscar Films

The American Academy of Arts & Sciences announced during…

The Aliens from Arrival Review the Oscar Nominees for Visual Effects

We learned many new words when we arrived on your Earth. Cars.…

Reasons Why I Imagine You Didn’t “Like” My Post

You didn’t see it. You like to space out your “likes,”…

Sports Illustrated: The Lesser Known Specialty Issues

Sure, you know the "Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition".…

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…

Ernest Hemingway's Fifty Ways To Drive Your Man Wild In Bed

Editor's note: Quite a few of Ernest Hemingway’s early short…

The Grammys Drinking Game

To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take…

Bobby Fink: Kid Detective - The Case of Trump's Missing Terror Attacks

It was the start of February when she walked back into my life.…

Does The Mile High Club Still Count if My Plane Has Been Missing Since 2014?

Guess what, man? I totally did it! Mile high club, baby! Yes!…

Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes

Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes as a Special Correspondent.…

Building Your Deck with Elon Musk

Step 1 - Commit to Your Deck Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome…

Incredible Football Facts!

The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs…

2017 Ethics: Punching a Nazi and Other Acceptable Acts

Punching a Nazi Putting an empty milk carton back into…

Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the…

BuzzFeed for Dads

19 Nose Hair Trimmers Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life. 27…

The Real Reasons That Ringling Bros Are Shutting Down

Bankrupt after having to bail out so many clowns who had been…

Golden Globe Categories That Don't Make it to Air

Best Performance By An Actor/Actress Trying To Bounce Back From…

Ask The Magic 8 Ball

Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that…

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat. He had high cholesterol, and his…

Reality Shows of the Dictators

PUTIN YOU ON "Smile!  You're on Candid Comrade!"  The playful…

Mariah Carey's Excuses For Her Horrible NYE Performance

Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on…

Grim Reaper’s 2016 Party Gets Outta Control

Looks like someone can’t get enough celebrating this year,…

A Text From Father Time to Baby New Year

What ABC Isn't Telling You About The Bachelor

More robots per episode than an entire season of Westworld. The…

FOTO BOMB: Amazon Echo Columbo Edition

After recent news concerning An Amazon Echo may be the key to…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Exchanging a Christmas Present

Art Garfunkel uses his considerable celebrity to exchange a Christmas…

Announcing the 2016 Fake News Award Nominees

For over fifty years, the Fake News Awards has been proud to…

7 Reasons Why You’ll Regret Reading This Click Bait Article

1) You’ve been had! There’s no nudity here, pal. Why don’t…

WORLD WAR C

It’s is difficult to remember the small events that preceded…

Hard To Fill Help Wanted Ads

NOW HIRING: Reverse Psychologist  You don’t really want this…

These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice…

The Upcoming Calendar Of Mr. Kenneth Bone

Ken Bone cares about America. If you think he's just at the Town…

Other Times That Billy Bush's Shenanigans Have Landed Him in Hot Water

Forget about Trump! What about that little scoundrel, Billy Bush? His…

5 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me

If there’s one thing I learned from watching movies about other…

The Politically Incorrect Traveler's Exam

Travel magazines, basic cable channels, and websites inevitably…

TV Preview

Chillax, Inc. Thanks to an accounting…

Top Five Tips for Selecting Babies from the Hospital Nursery

Who isn’t an animal lover? Our pets are our best friends, our…

Fall Movie Preview

It's fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you…

'Stranger Things' Demogorgon Exclusive Interview

In the wake of Netflix's smash hit Stranger Things, fans are…

Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…

Answer Sheet For The Exam Of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier

Any deviation from these exact answers during the blind tasting…

The Endings Of Those Novels You Were Supposed To Read Over The Summer

A new school year is fast approaching, and I'm willing to bet…

Mad (Trump) Libs

Classic Romantic Comedies If They Were Set In Present Day

1. When Harry Met Sally   Instead of it taking Harry…

What's On The DVR?

Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney's…

Eulogy for a Cobra Command Henchmen

Hello, thank you all for coming today. We are here not to mourn,…

Expert Tequila Taste Test

Tequila is the name of a distilled beverage from Mexico, made…

Batman and Superman: AN ORAL HISTORY

Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding?…

NPR FAN FICTION

 “Escape from the Zombies in the Village by the Potomac”   Terry…

New Art Gallery Openings

Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or…

New On Broadway!

My Dinner with Andre II: Just Desserts Andre Gregory and Wallace…

Presidential Candidates Footwear

After the Ted Cruz campaign drew attention to Marco Rubio’s…

How To: World Domination for Bears

Are you a bear and can read? Do you lust for more than just salmon?…

Things to Bet On In NY Now that FanDuel and DraftKings Are Shut Down

-300 Express subway train pulls away right as you get to the…

Pumpkin Spice Latte; A DEA Drug Fact Sheet

Autumn comes with shortening days, and associations with stressful…

How To: World Domination for Pirates

Congratulations on your interest in world domination! You are…

How to Dominate Friends and Repel Losers

Dale Carnegie’s seminal work, How to Win Friends and Influence…

Who Said It: Donald Trump or Bill the Butcher from "Gangs of New York"?

1. “You see this knife? I'm gonna teach you to speak English…

Geppeto: Helicopter Parent

FROM: Geppetto@earthlink.com TO: Sunnydale Elementary Listserv RE:…

My Sincerest Apologies: Barnes & Noble

Dear Barnes and Noble, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can…

The 50 Least Successful Minor League Franchises

1. San Fernando Valley Fluffers 2. Briscoe County Juniors 3.…