Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”

When you care enough for them to do the very least. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

This pandemic has been tough and we think you deserve a fun, shiny name to get behind. I mean, the word ‘vaccine’ is so 1798 and besides, it only protects against ONE virus. How lame is that? Our shot protects you against EVERYTHING. Even food poisoning! Bet you didn’t think that was possible, but it is. Trust us. We deliberately ate spoiled food to see if it would work, and we only vomited once and our ER stay was super short! If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will!

Goosed! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Body language. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)

Nextflix binge watching, Complimentary adult beverage, Increased chance of blood clots, and more!

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

It's nice to get back to a routine. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

Start your pandemic anniversary off on the right foot with everyone’s favorite isolation comfort food. Candles optional but highly encouraged.

Social distancing before it was cool. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

Feel like you are really there! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Ellis Rosen.

Consent is overrated when it comes to contracting diseases especially since you took your child over to Suzy’s, but no judgement. There is an H in HOA, but it doesn’t stand for HIPAA requirements.

Clean your zoom. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

You sure ask a lot of questions. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Looking a little orange? Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen's socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

Polite Predators. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Looking for the full plagukage. Today's cartoon by Madeline Horwath.

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Way back when. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Super spreading everywhere except one place. Today's cartoon by Dan McConnell and Joe Bissonnett.

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Why didn't he ask for hydroxychloroquine?

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.