news – Weekly Humorist

The Ten Commandments Revised for Louisiana Public Schools

June 25, 2024

You shall not steal. Unless you’re stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest.

Jerry Seinfeld Asks, "What's The Deal With Masculinity?"

June 4, 2024

Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It's obscene -- go get a room!

CARTOON: Doom & Gloom

April 12, 2024

Broken News! Today's cartoon by Van Scott and Jerry King.

News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race

January 26, 2024

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

December 15, 2023

The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull.

News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage

November 3, 2023

PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.

Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties

September 5, 2023

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

This City Has Really Gone Downhill

August 24, 2023

This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

May 5, 2023

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

March 31, 2023

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

February 24, 2023

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family

January 27, 2023

Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn't Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili's.

We Aren’t Coddling Our Gen Z Students, but They Think Your Class Is Too Hard, so You’re Fired

October 18, 2022

The University takes the success of our students very seriously. Especially the success of students who grew up getting trophies for losing. Now, we’ve gotten word that many students are distressed over the difficulty of your Organic Chemistry course. So do you mind handing in your Faculty ID? We simply can’t have you failing students who don’t deserve to pass.

The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators

October 5, 2022

We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game... You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald's, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans.

The Tax-Hating Hidden Messages Inside Shakira’s Music

September 27, 2022

My Hips Don’t Lie (But I Do, About My Taxes) And more!

Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists

September 13, 2022

*Not a comprehensive guide: mermaids are fictional creatures.

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

September 8, 2022

Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!

We’re Doing Nothing Effective to Reduce Crime, COVID, or Homelessness, but Here Are Three F**King Obvious Tips for Surviving a Nuclear Attack

July 15, 2022

It’s no secret that crime is up, social programs for mental health are nearly eliminated, COVID is back for the 137th time, and the city’s plan to eradicate homelessness by kicking people off the subway isn’t the miracle we’d hoped. But instead of wasting taxpayer dollars on city-wide programs that address the root causes of these real problems, the Office of Emergency Management is proud to present this 90-second PSA on three extremely fucking obvious tips on surviving a nuclear attack.

Breaking: Women Across the US Overreact to Losing a Basic Human Right

June 24, 2022

But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.

Newsbleak Magazine

June 17, 2022

Study Confirms: We're All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don't Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!

Relax Ladies - I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad

May 10, 2022

Don’t worry, I'm ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average.

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

March 16, 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.”

The CEO of Frontier Airlines Addresses FAQ’s On The New Merger

February 9, 2022

After hours of deliberation and brainstorming to find the best way to combine our two great names, we’ve decided on Front-tit.

Martin Short was Named After his Height and other Insight from an Unofficial Hollywood Tour

October 12, 2021

Hollywood isn’t just known for entertainment though, it is home to many famous restaurants. The iconic chain In & Out is to your right, which was first created as part of a promotional campaign for the 1997 Kevin Kline film of the same name.

A Memo To All Amazon Employees Regarding The Use Of Pee Bottles

April 7, 2021

We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.

CARTOON: Surged

February 22, 2021

Sounds like a deal! Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Scott Dooley.

So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock

January 29, 2021

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

December 10, 2020

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

News Briefs: Pandemic Parents

November 27, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

NEWS BRIEFS: Cat Caper

November 13, 2020

Weekly Humorist New Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

News Briefs: Pandemic Barbie

November 6, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

NEWS BRIEFS: Home-schooling

October 16, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

NEWS BRIEFS: Technology

October 12, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate

October 7, 2020

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

NEWS BRIEFS: Infected

October 2, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

September 29, 2020

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace's debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

News Briefs: Marriage

September 18, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

It’s Me, Venus, And After Putting Me in the Uninhabitable Zone, You Finally See I Had Life All Along

September 18, 2020

So here I am. No rings. No moons. I’m just a planet, standing in front of another planet on the brink of disaster, asking its scientists to believe there’s life in me. Earth might spin in my opposite direction, but to me, you are perfect. Choose me. Inhabit me. Let me make you happy.

NEWS BRIEFS: Dishes

September 14, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory

September 11, 2020

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

September 11, 2020

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic

September 10, 2020

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

September 4, 2020

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

NEWS BRIEFS: Space

August 28, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

NEWS BRIEF: Dog Parents

August 14, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

August 13, 2020

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

Historical Figures Who Deserve to Be on Mt. Rushmore More Than Donald Trump

August 11, 2020

My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache. Any puppy ever. And more!

NEWSBRIEFS: Working

August 7, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Ways In Which The Axios Interview Could Have Gone Worse For Trump

August 6, 2020

Trump admits finally that the true source of the Coronavirus is the unprotected sex between he and Stormy Daniels.

NEWS BRIEFS: Guy on Porch Sees You, Knows What You’re Up To.

July 24, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

NEWS BRIEFS: 100% of All Home-Schooled Teens "Very Likely" to Masturbate During Lunch.

July 15, 2020

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

What's OUT and What's IN for 2020

January 2, 2020

OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

Modern Additions To The Kama Sutra

November 21, 2019

Mother May I? (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!

CARTOON: Absurd News

November 21, 2019

National Absurdity Day was yesterday. Could you really even tell anymore? Cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said

October 10, 2019

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

Examples of Accidental Magic

September 26, 2019

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

CARTOON: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Memoir

September 13, 2019

It's a real page burner. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Phrases That Could Be in John Hickenlooper's End-of-Campaign Video, Who Knows, No One's Watching It

August 22, 2019

“And that’s why it’s time for me, John Delaney, to leave the race. Argh, I mean John Hickenlooper! Wow, even I can’t remember me!”

Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”

July 9, 2019

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

CARTOON: I Don't Do Cover-Ups

May 24, 2019

I Don't Do Cover-Ups. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: National State of Emergency

February 1, 2019

Frozen Putz. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

January 8, 2019

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

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