Ghosts: I think we’re all tired hearing about ghosts and spooks and poltergeists running around haunting people and places.  There’s something the Deep State needs to take care of.

Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification—something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear?

Did Trump say he was going to be “a dictator on day one” only a few months ago? Sure, he did. When he says his opponents are “vermin” who need to be “rooted out,” he’s definitely not echoing fascist rhetoric from Italy and Germany in the 1930s. He’s just testing out his latest Benito Mussolini impression before his residency at the Palm.  

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.

Never adds up. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says "Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!"

Grow some gills and let's get wet. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!

Could get much better!? HAHAHAHA. Not! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

Yet we feel deflated. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

More Trump Pardons. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Roger Stone's Prison Tattoo. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

We can all agree that 'Cards Against Humanity' is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make...

Fat Fingers, Pity, and more.

Unthinkable! Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Rob Kutner.

The Sharpie is mightier then the facts. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Let's get bombed. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Instead of going all the way, it's stopping somewhere in the middle. It's still running, but on a different platform than I expected. I don't feel safe with this choice after 11pm. And more!

Vote to save our livers! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.

Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

Which Cinderella story is making it all the way...to the final downfall? Click to see the full bracket! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Throwing tiny hat with a squirty flower in the ring. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Degrading. Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Everything else, pretty accurate. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

And starting this week, I am taking my protest to the streets! This is because my message is gaining ground, and also because my house burned down in a shoe-related fire.

Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…

As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…

Anyone got a thesaurus? I’m running out of synonyms for the…

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…