To Whoever Was Using This Glory Hole

What’s up, fellas! How are you guys doing? Enjoying the hole?…

Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well

AB - Player saw  “a bat” SB - Player “saw” a “bat” BK…

What to Expect After Implantation of Your Newterus®, the Hottest Feminine Upgrade Yet!

"Female cosmetic genital surgery is rapidly gaining popularity."—Plastic…

Are You Hollywood Pansies Ready To Buy The Actionest Action Movie Of All Time?

Sup, bitches. Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience…

No, Your Honor, I Did Not Build A Fire Pit to Burn Documents Relevant to My Criminal Investigation

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to make a statement…

Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad, We, the collected powers of France, the…

Tony Robbins Presents: “Unleash the Not-So-Risky and Therefore More Employable Power Within” Workshop

Are you a woman with skills to share, but no one…

Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point

Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…

Trump's Search For The Perfect Lawyer

After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox…

Paul Manafort’s 7 Keys to a More Deliberate Life

Welcome, everyone, and congratulations, because just by being…

Yes, We Used Production Assistant Meat as a Mystery Basket Ingredient on "Chopped"

Hello Chopped fans, concerned citizens, and law enforcement officers. …

Wedding Rejection Emails

Listen to this article! Dear Mary, I regret to inform…

Sea Monkeys, A Starter Kit for Disappointment

Long before Facebook and Instagram gave the masses the tools…

Other ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump

In regards to Putin's reelection win,  Trump's advisors had…

Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist

Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered…

Do Not Push the Red Button

Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…

5 Ways to Manage Your Yeast Infection While Protesting Outside Planned Parenthood

 Being a Christian is awfully hard these days. It’s even harder…

Job Application: Russian Troll Farm

Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely…

An Open Letter to my 5K Training App

Dear 5K Training App, I feel guilty about the way I handled…

Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead

Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…

My Bombshell Revelation: I, Your Friendly Office Co-Worker, Am Actually an Asshole

My fellow GloboPlanet Corporate Headquarters Employees: It…

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller

January 29, 2018 Talk about a banner day for Stephen…

Welcome to Mobility University™, an AT&T® Institution!

Welcome, new faculty member!   AT&T® is a recognized…

As An Olympic Curler I Resent Being Asked To Sweep Out The Garage

Honey, I feel like we’ve been over this a thousand times.   On…

Baby Born With Antlers

NOME, Alaska - Rachel Binster was expecting twins. The one thing…

Tricky Dick Tutors Trump on Treachery

Here's to the State of Richard Nixon For underneath his borders…

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials

"A Tale of Two Tweets” At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr.…

Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama

Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search…

Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

First Steps   SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?   YOU:…

Reading 10,000 Books a Year is Easy—Just Do What I Do!

Listen to audiobooks to mix it up Audiobooks are the best! They’re…

Stormy Daniels' Non-Disclosure Agreement

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT This Non-disclosure Agreement by and…

5 New Chicago Based Cable Shows

NBC Studios FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE January 22nd, 2018   As…

5 Euphemisms to Watch in 2018

Payment Experience You'll never look at a bill the same…

Jack Off Joe Toy Catalogue

'Horrible' Harvey Weinstein...$8.99 The original--and some…

Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting

Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out…

A Revised Nightly Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Bob Mueller my country to…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Baby New Year's Roast Of Father Time, 2017

Woo!   Hey everybody, how's it going?    I have to say... …

Some Recent Bill Murray Sightings

Ellen Delacroix. Chapel Hill, NC. One afternoon I went into…

Red Flags That Your American Facebook Group is Probably Run by a Russian Bot

The phrases in the posts and comments aren’t quite right: You…

Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children

Hi Anthony, Thanks for the nice letter!   …

Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition

Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast…

The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" As told by: Dasher Okay, let…

FOX Executives Discusses The Four

Fox Executive 1: Now this is exciting! A chance to remind people…

NOTICE: Curriculum Update to Reflect Current Industry Standards: Department of Journalism & Creative Media, University of Alabama

To the Class of 2021,   Welcome to the Department…

Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!

This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…

Bistro Bistro Is Fully Booked

The first thing to know about Bistro Bistro is that no one answers…

I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work

I try to make healthy choices, so I bought an exercise ball to…

Trump Speech-O-Matic

Many people wonder why the things President Trump says seem so…

Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier

Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed…

A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other

1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me. 2: No, I saw…

How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse

The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed…

You May Have Been Affected By Our Recent Dog-Walking Breach. What to Do Next.

Dear Ellen, As I’m sure you’re aware, the Park Slope community…

Nihilistic Airport Announcements

Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…

Back Cover Blurbs for Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir, “What Happened”

“Let Fake News Media like AmazonWashingtonPost and FailingNewYorkTimes…

John Tyler's White House Letter To James Knox Polk

Since the election, Americans have been asking what it means…

5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence's Urn

Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it. Despite countless,…

White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night

Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear   The…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

Dear News-Detox Journal

Day 1. Here I am at the Bob Ross Artist…

There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin

I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…

Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish

As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…

The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal

Day 1 "Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…

Other Cringe-Worthy Lines From Trump's Speech To The Boy Scouts

What is it you boys do?   You tie knots and so on, and get…

5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews

Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes…

French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy

After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…

Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…

Welcome To The Team! Now, Let's Find You A Good Place To Cry, Shall We?

From: SusiePLovesTV@aol.com To: Lindsey.Field@FizzNetwork.com Subject:…

5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…

Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…

History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes

Shakespeare   The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…

A Comprehensive Advisory System Based On Sean Spicer’s Standing Patterns As Devised By Homeland Security

Feet straight ahead, eyes forward, hands not on podium: A…

We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…

LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…

James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…

I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…

Rejection Letter from Grams' Jams to Ad Agency For Misunderstanding 'Esoteric' for 'Erotic'

Bryan Champlin CEO, Faust & Furious Ad Agency 1158…

STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…

Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…

Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…

Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…

Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…

I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…

MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)

Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…

Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…

Letter From the R-Train

My dearest Petula,   Please forgive me if my hand is slow…

Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…

Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…

Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…

The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor

  Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, I am attaching the work…

Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…

HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…

I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…

Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…

A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool

First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…

Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…

How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…

A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…

Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

LISTEN TO THIS ARTICLE We think that getting weekly email…

Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…

Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…

First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…

Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…

Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…

The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…

L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…

NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…

Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…

Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus…

The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…

Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary

JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…

Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we're…

How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)

 PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”: Dear…

Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…

Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…

Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)

Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…

I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something

Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…

Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup

Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…

Give Peas a Chance

ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…

Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner

President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…

For Our Wedding We’re Registered For All the Items We Destroyed During the Blowout Fight We Had While Registering at Bed Bath and Beyond

We’re officially less than three months away! Eeeep! It’s…

The Hottest Travel Destinations on TRAPPIST-1

In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA…

Trump's 4:30 AM Conspiracy Tweets

…

The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating App

Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry…

Obama Wire Tapping

What President Obama overheard while tapping Donald Trump's phone…

Thanks For Your Patreon Payment!

My Good Friend Anthony, Thanks for sponsoring my creative…

45 Things More Shameful Than Having Your Identity Stolen at Arby's

Nope. Sorry, you blew it. You came here expecting a list of…

An Open Letter to Chad, the Bag Boy

Look Chad, we need to talk about your performance. But if you’ll…

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…

Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment Donald is a brash but sensitive…

Putin's Diary

Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend.…

Trump's New Rules

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House… Meeting in…

Sean Spicer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Period.

I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before…

President Seeking Agreeable White House Staffer

Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White…

Trump's National Prayer Breakfast Offering

Hey, are you there God? It's me, Donald. To tell you the truth,…

Building Your Deck with Elon Musk

Step 1 - Commit to Your Deck Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome…

Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the…

Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail

[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check…

Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…

Procrastinators! You Can Still Move Away! Try Guam!

FYEO – Guam Chamber of Commerce Secret Plan For Attracting…

About Your Claim in the Class Action Lawsuit

  To whom it may concern:   This is to notify…

Trump’s Golden Intelligence Briefing

Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We…