Slow Ride, Fast Talk. Today's cartoon by Mira Scharf.

Galloping Genes. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During “Happy Birthday”

The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.

In the “Notable volunteer achievements” portion of your son’s application, you wrote “N/A (he’s three?!).” Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. 

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

We charge to put you on a pretend wait list. Our vacation schedule will never overlap with the local elementary school - that’s a promise. Your kid will get lice.

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.

Don't forget the Tabasco! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

This will effect your tip. Today's cartoon by Rachel Deutsch.

Asking if a friend/ Is online or in real life/ Invalidates them

Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.

I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I've heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music. 

A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Was it fun-sized? Today's cartoon by Dalton Vaughn.

That bulb is gonna need changing soon. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)

Atop the list for the sixth consecutive week is Niko Cherry. Nicknamed “Cherry Bomb” for his ability to blast the ball (almost) to the outfield, Niko is the oldest kid on the team and it shows. With broad shoulders and early signs of a mustache on his upper lip, he’s been feasting on both pitchers and hitters this season. If he continues his torrid pace, league officials may just have to take another look at that birth certificate. 

[EDIT- Timmy’s parents insisted I remove this last sentence, calling it slander, but in the hall I also heard them talking about that “weird little grumpy kid” who was staying over, and “why was Timmy even friends with him?”, so I have little sympathy for arguments citing slander.]

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Our smarter, more engineerically inclined neighbors are constructing hydraulic candy launchers and gravity-inspired candy chutes.  That’s fine I guess.  I’m not one to argue with a smart person.  We do however, discourage haphazardly throwing candy at trick-or-treaters. Candy corn can sting! The CDC method is probably best.  We do however, encourage you to throw candy at Marliese and Trent. 

“Dad,” you say. “It’s poetry!” “NO,” he yells. “It’s BASEBALL. We should have never sent you to [liberal arts college]!!” Of course, you were both right. Which is why I’m coming clean...

For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers.

Look out for the eviction fairy. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

You create value in other people’s lives and debt in mine. You are the architect of your own life, but not a real architect like your brother. Did he tell you about his promotion? And more.

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

Feeling set up? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

Can you use it in a sentence? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Don't get carried away! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

If you are a fan of the bestselling "All My Friends Are Dead" series of books then you'll want to pick up this new book hot off the presses!

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores.…

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances…

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the…

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…

ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…