It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!

Judy Blume- JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide.

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

What Do We Want? Hazard pay for experimental candy testers, a properly sanitized chocolate meadow, bathroom breaks, commuting access to the Wonkavator, yearly cost of living increases, one guaranteed sick day each, and to be paid henceforth in pound sterling, not cocoa beans. We are sick of cocoa beans.

Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!

Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!

You better watch out/ You better not fly/ You better mask up/ I’m telling you why/ Omicron is coming to town.

While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby: DO YOU: Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. OR Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario.

The Anti-Neuterer: Refusing to “fix" their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy. CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

This episode of Talkward chats with the very funny Keith James. Keith is a comedy performer and writer who has a new comedy, sci-fi, erotic, adventure book out now entitled 'Greg Maxwell's Inferno'. We discuss his humor journey and doing improv comedy for a soon-to-be-FBI-raided health spa where he had to do breakdance fighting live on-stage against a child. Follow Keith @k3ithJam3s and listen to his podcast Gus Biblowitz, Basketball Legend.

The Pear Witch Project, Dragon fruit me to hell, Strawscaries, and more #HorrorFruit on this week's trending joke game!

153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any given day of the week: I mean it, there are no exceptions to this rule. Although it is only two beats total, my cat is trained to wake me at the opening sound of any Netflix show.

War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week's trending joke game!

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery. 

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Dickles, Pop-Farts, Vomints, and more #GrossGroceries on today's trending joke game!

A goal of mine, if hired, would be to revamp your rewards program. A free product of their choice (value up to $16.50) and a few emailed coupon codes are not going to win you long-term loyalty from those who pledge membership. I would place staff in strategic locations like bus stations or airports to seek out those who seem alone and adrift, who crave the comfort that only a three-wick Peach Bellini candle can provide.

The Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #SuperheroABand on this week's trending joke game!

John Waters Polo, Volley Hunter, Gene Swimmons, and more #CelebASummerSport on this week's trending joke game!

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

The Masked Swinger, Lancing with the Scars, America’s Got Debt, and more #RegretfulRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

You probably have questions about me. I am, after all, seven-figures big, an unheard-of sum for a relatively unknown writer. What would it be like to have me, you wonder? Is there any hope of my ever being earned out? And now: Should I be shared with Alexis Nowicki, the woman on whom the short story was based?