Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

 Moby Dickens, Ted From Accounting, The Banana Split Infinitives, and more Bookstore OR Band.

Good to finally get out. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Ed Steckley.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by ChristianMingle.com.

[ALEXANDER liked DANIELLE’S photo, captioned “Sourdough-re-me.”] ALEXANDER: Was it light, fluffy, and soft to the touch? DANIELLE: Talk gluten to me, dammit!

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Titania: My Oberon! What visions I have seen! Methought I was enamour’d of an ass. / Oberon: My queen, the wood has a bad connection. You are frozen again.

Anything could have happened on prom day – just like in the movies - that first kiss, getting finger banged in the limo, being voted to prom court, and the possibility of a deadly inferno promulgated by the telekinetic outcast who just got a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her!

Missing the spotlight? Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.

Dog harness, Privacy screens, and more uses for all those unused bras.

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

You got a little something on your cheek. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

A lot off the top. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Tiger King and I, A Little Fright Music, Gaslight Express, Jared and the Amazing Technicolor Dumbass, and more #EvilMusicals on this week's trending joke game!

He went to Jared. Again. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Solid Pence Sense. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

From forbidden asteroids to dinners alone, take a journey with The Little Pence.

Also comes as a miracle elixir! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Wheel of Foreskin, Rash Cab, Whose Swine is it Anyway?, and more #GrossGameShows on this week's trending joke game!

Don't zoom in too close. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Some leave their mark with positive action, others...Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Look, I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t re-follow me, I’ll have to unfollow you. Then I would have to manually check your Twitter every couple days to see what you’ve been saying, and that would really be a pain. 

What was it like growing up in the heartland? Jack: Well, back then we didn’t have a care in the world.  We’d spend all of our days suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez.  That may have contributed to my heart disease and Diane’s diabetes.

After all, nobody died of Coronavirus 800 years ago. Try some of these time-tested methods for preventing plague and hack the coronavirus, old-school style.

Do you come here to panic buy often?

I will not and shall not be tainted by Comic Sans. It’s Arial. All-day, every day. If I am feeling saucy, then perhaps Helvetica. SOMETIMES ALL CAPS. If I am really trying to get a point across, those words will be colored. What color? •Butterscotch.

Sticky fingers? Crime and grime? Wash your hands. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started!

Master Baking, Morning Wood Working and Crotchet and more #hornyhobbies in our trending joke game!

“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything.

And repeat, and repeat, and repeat...Today's cartoon by Andy Cowan and Dan McConnell.

Don't corn my beef. Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

It took Little Red Riding Hood all of five seconds to get over her grandmother’s death. And, unknown to the Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood had the super-human strength of ten giant hamsters and quickly subdued him.

Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns of Anarchy, and more #BreakfastATVshow on this week's joke game!

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

Getting rammed into REM. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?

Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

Don't panic. Trump has protections in place.

Lent Loopholes! Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…