I can’t die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? Not watching Peaky Blinders. Not watching Outlander. Not watching Snowpiercer.

Last year, after I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, I felt like no one would ever love me again. Or, at least, I did until I watched the episode “The Magic Xylophone,” where it was revealed that you had been picking your nose the first time that you met your future wife, the anthropomorphic Red Heeler dog Chilli. And I realized in that moment that, when love is true, minor personality quirks will never be able to stand in the way of the rich tapestry of mutual devotion.

KELSIE R.: Babe! OMG that is so great you feel the same way! I’ve had no luck in the past and 100% of the guys I’ve dated have cheated on me. But you get me, and I know just by talking to you that you’d never stray. I’m getting loyal vibes! Maverick, I think–no I know–I’m falling in love with you. And you don’t have to say it back. I know it’s soon. [MAVERICK lifts his leg and pees in a plant.]

Me:  Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode? Other Person:  See it?  I feel like I lived it.  That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm. Me:  You’re lucky.  That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode. 

anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!

Bad binge. Today's cartoon by Alex John.

The basic rom-com set-up of "woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures" is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).

Yuck Woolery, Lames Corden, Drool Carey, and more #RoastAHost on this week's trending joke game!

Still Woozy, Bang, zoom, to the moon, Alice, Kiss My Grits, and more!

NEV: Dearest Catfish - I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one. [Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover] He started sending me letters and wowza—this boy is a poet! I was even telling my big-nosed cousin Cyrano about how my boyfriend was so intellectual, but then…something weird happened. I don’t know what to think anymore, and I need help! 

James Corden: Welcome everybody! It’s hard to believe that we are a whole year out from the insurrection that everybody couldn’t stop talking about, but here we are! Thanks to our sponsor, Smartwater! Whether you think Antifa staged the Capitol riots or you know Trump supporters did, Smartwater thinks you’re smart!

I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.

Episode 2:  "Hair's to Ya". Covers armpit hair, leg hair, arm hair, eyebrows, back hair, butt hair, ear hair, nose hair, and vaginal steaming.  Special guest: a man who has dressed as a Wookiee for the entirety of his adult life, so far.  Bonus video illustrates how to perform a scalp transplant using common household items and organic cleaning supplies.

HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.

Brooklyn 99 Degrees, Welcome Back Hotter, Saved By The Hell, and more #SizzlingSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs: She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”

There is another dimension beyond all logic known to man. It is a dimension of arrogance as vast as space and as bottomless as voter fraud allegations. It is the middle ground between Mike Pence and Kelly Anne Conway, between science fiction and Trump Tweets. It lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of man’s maskless indoor gatherings. It is an area which we call... The Republican Zone.

Steal Or No Steal, Card Farts, Manson Family Feud, and more #GrinchAGameShow on this week's trending joke game!

Laverne & Squirrelly, Stork and Mindy, Fresh Off The Goat, and more #animalsitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

"Damn, Season 45 was Crazy!" "Yeah, but the whole Virus plotline was over the top."

Sharks and Recreation, The Dick Van Pike Show, The Shrimpsons, and more #FishASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

The Walrusing  Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!

The Streaming Accord: Tara is entitled to a total of six hours of Netflix per week. She will be allowed additional Netflix consumption in the following unique circumstances: she’s in a bad mood, it’s raining, Mom and Dad are tired, she’s sick, somebody else is sick, she’s crying, people are over.

Think of the hundreds of hours of tearful confessional booth footage that will never be captured, never even make it to the editing room. I’m telling you, this will be our national treasure left buried. Our ark of the covenant. Our holy grail.

Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns of Anarchy, and more #BreakfastATVshow on this week's joke game!

In the mid-2000s, when college sketch group videos were suddenly all over the place, Derrick Comedy easily made the best ones. Derrick was a five-person operation originally out of New York University best known for their 2009 cult classic feature Mystery Team, but they also made “Thomas Jefferson,” which is, fun fact, the greatest comedy sketch of all time. Really. 

Good Evening. Thank you for coming out tonight, and welcome to my one man show and my catastrophe of a Harold Team audition all wrapped in one catastrophic meltdown designed for you and you only, the bored entertainment industry decision makers.

Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!

The Creation Myth (CBS) - Severely misreading what made The Big Bang Theory a hit with audiences, CBS executives tried to replicate that success with a sister series, which followed four pious young priests and one ditzy nun all living together in a crowded seminary. 

Saved By The Bellini, BoJack and Coke Horseman, Hill Street Booze and more #TVcocktails on this week's joke game!

“The Haunted Air BnB”: It’s a Sherlock crossover episode this week as the Gang heads across the pond for a star-studded Saturday morning special! Fresh off the plane, Velma beelines to a local pub to get wifi on her smartphone, while Fred and Daphne stumble upon a string of haunted AirBnBs being investigated by none other than British national icon Sherlock Holmes. Will Fred overcome his jealousy and be able to work with Sherlock, despite seeing this chiseled, animated version of Benedict Cumberbatch shamelessly flirt with Daphne? Are the ghosts in the AirBnB paying customers, or simply squatters claiming housing rights? Seriously, how is AirBnB even legal with the limited amount of protections in place for both consumers and hosts?

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Good Night Court, Snooze the Boss, Friendzzz and more #SleepySitcoms!

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?

Writers in Winnebagos drinking wine Veterinarians on Vespas…

Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All…

Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s…

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…