Editors Picks
With another year closed, we at Weekly Humorist would like to take a moment to reflect on all that has happened in 2024. It’s been an eventful year for us, filled with exciting new projects and growth in our small but mighty brand. Here are some highlights from this past year:
We published our 29th book from Humorist Books and 372 issues of Weekly Humorist Magazine, a milestone that marked a significant expansion of our brand in print media! This year we published Getting the Girl: A Gentleman’s Guide to Seduction, Allurement, and Beguilance by Andrew Munge, The Vowels of the Earth by Matthew David Brozik, Man Poems: A Book of Broetry by Jonathan Stone and Ron Barret, Langley Powell and the Society for the Defense of the Mundane by Jeff Giles , Walker by Sam Pasternack, Community Pool by Keith James, Drinksgiving by Dewey Lovett, Home for Halloween and Whatever You Do, You Die: A “Pick Your Own” Adventure by Brandon Hicks. Our slate of books for the new year is packed with massive talent and we can’t wait for you to read them!
In the realm of auditory entertainment, we continued to produce the cult-hit show The Cartoon Pad podcast with the the very funny Bob Eckstein & Michael Shaw, our flagship comedy interview show Talkward, & The Official Dream Dinner Party Podcast. Coming out soon will be our newest podcasts FUNNY BOOKS hosted by our books editor, the wonderful Brian Boone and STRONG STREAM hosted by Marty Dundics, where we will dive into what to watch and skip.
We had the pleasure of working as a producer on our first feature film. This venture into the cinematic world was an invigorating experience for our team and marked another significant achievement for Weekly Humorist and Humorist Media! That film, NOEL, NOEL, NOEL, is a Christmas indie comedy that is hopefully making it into Tribeca this year! We hear it might be on Netflix this coming holiday season!
Finally, the BIGGEST change was our venture out WEST! Humorist is now a partner in a new exciting comedy club chain from our friends at National Lampoon. National Lampoon: The Yellow Door opened its first location in the Gaslamp Quarter of San Diego in July. It’s been packed and serving up laughs to happy crowds ever since. Next location is in West Hollywood, CA. This also created the expansion of our new Los Angeles office in Century City. We have a pile a TV and film scripts that will be getting some attention this year. Mostly because Marty doesn’t have a social life anymore.
Go West Young Man!
Subscribe to “The Gospel According to Matthew” Substack
I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I’ll post roughly every two weeks — just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it’s Jesus’ birthday again and this time for you to ask “But what exactly is frankincense?”
A Christmas Carol… If It Had Gone Horribly Wrong Within The First Few Minutes
Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He’d only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn’t kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.
Christmas Songs For Spinsters
O Horny Night, You’re a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!
Letters From The Frontlines Of The War On Christmas
Sweetheart, Went to a Target tonight. I was horrified to learn the nutcrackers have turned gay. Why must these Secularists sexualize everything? Put your nuts in its mouth like the rest of us and enjoy the birth of our Lord.
Merry Christmas, Jim
If You Were Raised by Gen X Parents, You May Be Entitled to Compensation
Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless. But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following: Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out. Your job title is “social media influencer”. You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted. And more!
Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy
Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence.
Thanks, Democracy
Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel
A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St. Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.
Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations
Realized “senior staff” wasn’t referring to high school seniors. And more!
Completely Reasonable Stipulations For the Cheapest Flight You’ve Ever Booked
Any trips to the restroom will be an additional $20 ($35 if pooping or vomiting) Crying babies are an additional $1 per minute of crying, and more!
Post-Election Emergency Memo From Your Corporation’s Head of User Experience
In light of recent events, I’ve been told by the upper echelons of our corporation to remind everyone that we should keep our political opinions to ourselves. They have assured me, and tasked me with assuring you, that corporate work exists in a beautiful, untouchable bubble floating above the needs and wellbeing of U.S. citizens—transitory, illusory, and ultimately unperturbed by the goings-on of the people the corporation aims to turn into customers.
So You’ve Decided to Live Out Your Days in a Remote Monastery: What Next?
ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO)
Now this is what I’m talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you’re no mere tourist! You’re joining up, remember? So slip on your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the “Island of the Dead,” but that’s just because there’s a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.
Incelebrity Apprentice and 11 Other Shows Trump Now Has To Turn Down Hosting
Dancing with the Tsars, and more!
‘Twas the Night of the Election (or “A Visit from St. Kornacki”)
‘Twas the night of the election, and all over cable news, / Not a network was covering anything but red states and blues. / The pundits were booked on the panel shows with care, / As one spoke, ten others all nodded and stared.
How To Support Queer Folk During Election Season With Very Little Effort
Put a tiny rainbow flag in your pencil cup. And more.
Central Park Defends Its Dry Spell
I haven’t really felt in the mood these days. It’s embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I’ve been so stressed out it’s affecting my….performance. I haven’t been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It’s been so long I’m pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour. It’s not you, it’s me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.
What Your Favorite MLB Mascot Says About You
Dandy of the New York Yankees – You should just admit to having hair plugs (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
I Have Been Silenced by The Media and I’m Not Going To Shut Up About It
After forty-four years of speaking my mind, the woke mob has finally come for me. Now that my YouTube channel has been demonetized, I’ve been completely muzzled, left only with my few million podcast subscribers, two New York Times bestsellers, and this Substack newsletter. My crime? Saying what the mainstream media doesn’t want you to hear.
An Urgent Email from Tony Hinchcliffe’s Travel Agent
Unfortunately, I’ve been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they’d be “happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean” with an offer to take you there by boat.
Uniquely Tasteless Halloween Costumes That’ll Get Your Ass Canceled in 2024
Elon Musk Distributing Free Keys to Recalled Tesla Cybertrucks: I’ve never understood why motorists loathe the Cybertruck. Between its angular shape, brutalist design, and various recalls (faulty accelerator pedal, faulty windshield wiper motors, and faulty trunk bed trim), it’s arguably the ideal vehicle for any given scenario. But if it’s so perfect, why does society continually reject it?
Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse
Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.
Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.
I’m Just Waiting to Get Something Unlocked at CVS
I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin’s masterpiece ‘Viva La Vida’ until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, “Customer service needed in the skin care department.” But I need this body wash—and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I’m also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I’d rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.
When You Forget That Person’s Name
Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)
Coming Soon to a Theater Near You, It’s The Purge: Voter Rolls
Universal Studios and Blumhouse Productions are excited to release a new Purge film just in time for spooky season (and Election Day!). Billed as the most frightening Purge cinematic experience yet because of how closely it follows real life, The Purge: Voter Rolls is sure to terrify viewers even more than its predecessors.
Other Things We Should be Controlling Instead of the Weather
Ghosts: I think we’re all tired hearing about ghosts and spooks and poltergeists running around haunting people and places. There’s something the Deep State needs to take care of.
SUPPORTER UPDATES
JUST ABOUT TO GO ONTO THE STAGE and face my opponent at tonight’s debate. And folks, I have never been more scared. Not of my opponent. Nor of the awe-inspiring responsibility of representing this proud district. But of spiders. Specifically, brown recluses. Yes, I know, very little venom, but they just freak me out okay? #VoteErnestRyan
The Startling Decline of a Beloved Children’s Series
The Berenstain Bears’ Say Their Prayers
The Berenstain Bears’ Want You to Say Your Prayers
The Berenstain Bears’ Reject the Devil’s Music
The Berenstain Bears’ Switch to Homeschooling
And more!
Spooky Season: Three Hidden Pitfalls of Halloween
Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.
How My Trip Abroad Went, Translated
I couldn’t believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.
READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT
This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.
Diary of a Jealous Landlord
Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.
Letting You Know That a Porn Account Is Impersonating You and That I Did NOT Pay It $183 for Feet Pic
Honestly, so not cool of this person to use your images without your consent. Even worse for them to promise me a great deal on 10 pairs of stinky worn socks if I gave them my full legal name, home address, credit card info, and social security number. I mean, who’s so desperately horny to fall for that one?
I, A High-Profile Democrat, Would Very Much Like It If You Allowed Me to Be Clear
Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification—something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear?
Dr. Kit’s Nuggets Of Wisdom (now with choice of dipping sauce)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family.
Benjamin Franklin Lives at Your Local TGI Fridays
You’re pounding down tater skins. Bubblin’ bacon bits going down easy as you watch b-ball on the big screen. It’s TGI Fridays, baby, and 2 pm is tater-skins-o-clock, but you ain’t buying this round, cuz Benjamin Franklin’s got his purse out and he’s slanging those doubloons.
Highly Probable First Words of Anxious Babies Immediately After Leaving the Womb
“Does this afterbirth make me look fat?”
Crazy Larry’s Etsy Shop of Handcrafted Tinfoil Hats
This shop is dedicated to helping regular folks who realize that the war isn’t coming, brother. The war is already here. So, grab your tinfoil and suit up. Semper Foil
Should You Smile More?: A Quiz
A man calls to you on the street, “You should smile more, honey. And you have nice tits.” Should you smile more?
a) Yes, and you should thank him for the compliment.
b) Well, you do have RBF. But your cat just died. Although he did offer up a nice compliment, so…
c) No. But do enjoy the compliment. Your breasts are surely better than nice, and armed with these and other amazing assets, you certainly don’t have to listen to men like this creep to build your confidence.
What to Do if a Bear Charges You
Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear.
Our Baby Is Going To Be Really Chill
I know what you’re thinking: What if the baby doesn’t sleep through the night? Umm, did you forget that our baby is going to be a chill baby? In the unlikely event that our baby can’t sleep, I’m confident that our infant will pop in his or her “Pure Moods” CD and read a few pages of Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea.” before drifting off in no time at all.
Spotlight On This Week’s New Comics!
Batman #758
Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.
OPINION: Sure I’ve Written Hundreds of Books, But I’ve Also Crushed a Ton of Librarian Ass by R.L Stine
Look, James Patterson may have his name on more books, but that doesn’t mean he writes them all. I still write every word myself and sexually fulfill every librarian who wants a ride.
The Whole Purpose of “Females” at Different Life Stages According to JD Vance
Toddler: Speak the first, most important, and only words any female should ever use: “Yes, Father.” Take care of dolls and prepare fake meals in a plastic kitchen. Be a good girl and bring Father another real beer.
Why Do Wolverine and Deadpool Keep Stealing My Clothes?
It started with my blue cardigan sweater from JCPenney. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Wolverine and Deadpool yanking it out of my closet. They must’ve broken in. I pretended to be asleep. I mean, have you seen Wolverine’s claws? And Deadpool’s double katanas? Those spandex-clad psychos could’ve skewered me. Anyways, they ran off with my cardigan.
Upcoming SyFy Channel Movies!
Jolly Fish: A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs.
Why I Should Be Employee of the Month at Rental Mania Video
There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?
How I Feel About U.S. Olympic Pommel Horse Specialist Stephen Nedoroscik or Democratic VP Candidate Tim Walz?
The glasses-wearing community thanks him. I’m excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. I love his cat. And more!
More Acronyms Inspired by the Terms MILF and DILF
SCILSOF: Second Cousin I’d Like to See on OnlyFans
LDFFWILGPMETS: Long-Distance Friend of the Family to Whom I’d Like to Give a Platonic Massage that Eventually Turns Sexual
And more!
I’m a Strong Man, Babe, I Don’t Need Doctors!
What injury? Oh, that little head bump? Nah it doesn’t hurt. Actually, I can barely feel my head. So you love cheddar cheese, right? I remembered that from our first date. See? Would a guy with head trauma remember your favorite cheese is gouda?
Truly Terrible Used Car Checklist
Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car.
Dr. Victor Von Doom Rants About this Summer’s Trends
Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.
I Am a Raymour & Flanigan Couch, and I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Man
I am not here to dig up the past or uncover old wounds. Relationships don’t always work out, and it was for the best that Mr. Vance and I went our separate ways. However, during my stay in his apartment, I became privy to a number of concerning views that Mr. Vance holds.
15 Important Lessons for Comic Convention Goers
Don’t bother entering any costume contests. They’re all rigged anyway.
Never cut in line. Your fellow nerds will pouch on you like a limited-edition comic book!
Please use deodorant!
SNL Should Bring Back That Cast Member from 15 Years Ago to Play a Current Public Figure
We all remember how much we loved it when that cast member was on the show. I’m sure that person is totally available, and would love to drop everything they’re doing to fly across the country/globe from wherever their current project is filming and give up the majority of their weekends from October through May to appear in an SNL cold open. Each week, they could deliver us a forever-memorable topical sketch where they stand behind a plexiglass podium or sit behind a foam-core Resolute Desk and deliver setup/punchline two-liners about whatever Republicans or pop stars did over the past six days.
“My Father Is A Good Man…But He Is Unfit To Lead,” by a 7-Year-Old
Look, we all love my dad. But this is not the my dad of 3 years ago, who chased that family of mice out of our grill, saving the 4th of July barbecue. This is not the my dad of 2 years ago, who successfully Heimliched our dog after she ate my sister’s 3-D Magna-Tiles. This is the my dad of 2024.
Top 20ish Regrets If I Die Tomorrow
I can’t die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go???
Not watching Peaky Blinders.
Not watching Outlander.
Not watching Snowpiercer.
Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Brand New Voodoo Doll
Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it’s just insulting.
Jurassic Thrill Park Memo
I think I’ve discovered why the parks keep failing. And it’s an easy fix: Roller coasters!
No-Nonsense Guest WiFi Passwords
Premi$e$MayNotBUsed4film$hoot$
WeCountTowels
DontsharethisPWDwithLocalLowlifes
And more!
If You’ve Ever Watched TV, You NEED To Watch This New Netflix Show
If you love The Office even half as much as me, I assume you’d be thrilled to be reunited with all of your favorite coworkers. But what if I told you, this time, they’re all in high school! This 10 episode miniseries is the The Office prequel we never knew we needed. Principal’s Office is Mad Men meets Freaks and Geeks meets Stranger Things meets The Office. And I mean that literally!
LimmerICKs
Here are a few simple facts ,
Re sculpting with ear wax:
It requires a gentle touch ,
And this may be a bit much,
But makes delicious snacks.
Existential Baseball Calls
Out, but what does that mean? Sun interference, but you still blame yourself, Home run, but it still doesn’t leave you fulfilled. And more!
Essential Ales – A Pyramid Scheme for the Rest of Us
Just like you, probably, I waited for years to be invited into a multi-level marketing racket. Watching everyone on their four-hour lunch meetings and their social media live streams really got me thinking. Why not me? I’m a fun guy. I deserve a chance to try to solve my financial problems by taking a week trip to an airport hotel in Columbus.
Tesla Announces Awesome and Super Not Dangerous Products for Females
NeuraBra: Have you noticed the lack of giant tits due to the cuckification of America? Behold the NeuraBra, an entirely new manner of strapping tig-ol-biddies up to your neck…and it’s controllable by your man.
10 Classic Novel Titles That Are Also Cryptic Ways to Order at a Deli
The Old Man and the Sea: (When you want whatever the elderly man next to you ordered, and it’s a tuna-salad sandwich)
Unwelcome “I Hardly Know Her” Punchlines From Your Obnoxious Coworker
Cheesegrater? I hardly know’er! Obnoxiously inappropriate coworker? I hardly know’er!
Dear Dad From Bluey, Happy Father’s Day – Thank You For Raising Me
Last year, after I broke up with my long-term girlfriend, I felt like no one would ever love me again. Or, at least, I did until I watched the episode “The Magic Xylophone,” where it was revealed that you had been picking your nose the first time that you met your future wife, the anthropomorphic Red Heeler dog Chilli. And I realized in that moment that, when love is true, minor personality quirks will never be able to stand in the way of the rich tapestry of mutual devotion.
Tips for Writing a Happy Obituary
Be sure to mention they’re in a “better place.” Earth sucks, so this is true for everyone.
What Other Flags Mean When Flown Upside Down
Girl Scout flag: We’re out of cookies. Wisconsin flag: We’re out of beer. Pineapple flag: I’m pretty sure I can talk my wife into it. And more!
Conducting Yourself Properly During A Séance
Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it’s bad form, just don’t do it.
The National Park Service Welcomes You, Maybe
If you decide to take a cute picture of your three-year-old feeding a hot dog to a bison, just turn yourself in to the authorities now. (We are the authorities.) Your toddler’s finger will not grow back.
I’m Your First Sunburn of the Season, And For The Next Month I Own Your Ass
Are you stressed out at the thought of my presence? Bam! I have now resulted in sunburn blisters, popping up on top of the already overexposed flesh and leftover skin. I’m on the top of your shoulders, the back of your ribcage, I’m everywhere. I’m Beetlejuice 2.0. How do you like me now?
In the Future, Everyone Will Sound Like Chris Pratt
In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt’s voice for limitless uses around the globe.
Didn’t Make It Into The 27 Club? There’s Still Time To Be an Icon
“The Apostles 33” That’s right. Thirty-three, AKA The Jesus Age. Dying at 33 could mean one of two things: 1) you’re a nepo-baby whose father’s fame gave you some perks and entitlement that ultimately got you into trouble in the end. The proof of this continues with Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, daughter-in-law of John F. Kennedy, who tragically passed away in a private plane crash at this age. The second thing this could mean is that you are fucking hilarious. The curtain closed during Act 33 for comedy geniuses John Belushi and Chris Farley, so if you’re 33 with an elite sense of humor I would consider it a full-on hex the next time someone comments “Dead.” on your funny Tik Tok.
UPDATE: I Am Still Really Pissed Off At Marie Kondo
I know you advocate downsizing as the path to joy. Then you will be happy to know, I am currently living above my friend Mark’s garage, sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Please note there is no clutter on the nightstand. There is no nightstand.
Yes, I Am the Personal Chef Included With Your Luxury Airbnb, but for the Umpteenth Time, Go Microwave Your Own Damn Hot Pockets
This refusal to microwave your damn Hot Pockets has nothing to do with the fact that I understand that part of my gig means providing execrable comfort food to horde after cretinous horde of gold-plated, silver-spooned, lead-palated philistines like you.
The Campus Is a Shit Show, but We Planned a Terrific Alumni Weekend!
11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) – …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.
The 2024 University of Phoenix Valedictorian Speech, Presented By Draft Kings
My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I’m honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers.
Classic Works of Literature Updated for Gen Z
Alice’s Activism in Wonderland: Upon witnessing the Red Queen’s abuse of capital punishment, Alice’s disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, “colorblind” head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar’s level with some solid smoke.
Increasingly Specific Metaphors for Life
Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.
Conditions Under Which I Am Willing to Babysit
The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let’s say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things.
Poople Magazine
100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM’s, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He’s Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You’re Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!
Surprising Facts from My 23andMe Results
Ancestry
Southern European – 62.3%
Northwestern European – 29.3%
Sub-Saharan African – 0.4%
Self-esteem – <0.1% Butter – 1 cup
I Demand a Cuter Axolotl
This axolotl is a Ralph at best. It is not cute, charming, beautiful, quirky, or hot. It’s frankly got a certain Nicolas Cageyness about it, which is a real party foul in amphibian-based daddyvlogging.
The Best Bang For Your Buck
Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! And more in this list by Meg Reid illustrated by Katy Maiolatesi.
I Had Hope For Humanity, Until I Read My NextDoor Feed
Nelson- Oak Meadow • 3 days ago: This may seem a little random, but does anyone have any spare uranium? My package delivery was looted by porch pirates. My reactor will be ready to go online on Thursday and I’m short about 50 kilos. Rod – Chatsworth Palmer: My buddy might have plutonium. He used to work at the DOE. Will that work?
So You’ve Decided to Buy a Chainsaw at Your Age
CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you’ve got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you’re finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive.
Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19
Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”
LIST: Old Bands
Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!
10 Ways to Play Off Your Bloody Nose During a Work Meeting
Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you’re taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends.
FAQ About How to Make This Your Best Seder Yet, So Long As No One Brings Up Israel
Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it’s in the title. Don’t bring up Israel.
Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women’s Olympic Uniform
Lady Liberty Labia Lance, Beaver Balance Beam, USA FUPA Finder, and more!
Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?
Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!
15 Fascinating German Words With Imagined English Translations
Draoug (noun) – One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) – The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. And more!
Donald Trump’s Totally Untrue and Fabricated Random Acts of Kindness
I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”
Sir David Attenborough Narrates a Collaborative Google Doc
As dusk settles on a long day, a unique gathering commences. Nowhere in the world is more alive with energy than this place we visit today: the collaborative Google doc. And here, in this remote corner of the mighty internet, life thrives as an ecosystem of fauna commingles on the evening before a big client presentation.
The Harkonnen Family Holiday Letter – Year 10191 AG
Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline.
By Doing Whatever We Ask, You Agree to Our Terms
By not agreeing to our terms, you agree to our terms. By clicking this box without reading our terms, you admit to being a first-class liar. And more!
Other New Additions To Trump’s Bible
Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!
Pros and Cons of Becoming a Vampire
Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves “The Lost Girls.”
Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film “The Lost Boys” featuring Kiefer Sutherland.
