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I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot
It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…
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The War on Penis Terror: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 5)
~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~
Eager to earn your dignity as an honored…
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11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks
7) Health-insurance premiums are tax-deductible, and if you simply go without health insurance you can save years of income taxes by dying prematurely.
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Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor
1. Rainbow Aurora
2. Chile Lime
3. Wasabi Ginger
4. Apple
5.…
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Fareed Zakaria Declares the Moments Others Truly “Became the President”
“I think Donald Trump became president of the United States.…
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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies
She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids.
Janelle, a…
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Vacation Hotel Tips!
1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…
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Wall Street’s Additions to Fearless Girl
PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE STREET GLOBAL ADVISORS.
Due to the…
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A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool
First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…
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HGTV's LOVE IT OR LIST IT: DIVORCE EDITION
Mark and Sandra have been star-crossed lovers since the very…
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Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive
“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…
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How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You
The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…
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Recent Cases of iPhone Damage in the Current Political Environment
Repair Ticket #2948528
Phone smashed against wall after aunt…
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A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America
*crackles over sound system*
Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…
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Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition
LISTEN TO THIS ARTICLE
We think that getting weekly email…
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Budget Cut Reading List
Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…
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8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order
Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…
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7 Movies with HUGE Holes in the Plot
1. The Shawshank Redemption
2. Indiana Jones
3. The Core
4.…
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President Trump Welcomes the First Pet
“Black crows in the meadow
Across a broad highway
Though…
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It's Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!
What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life…
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QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm
1. Baker Newman Noves
2. Epstein Barr
3. Riley Day
4.…
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Punchlines to Knock-knock Jokes Rejected by Highlights, the Magazine for Children, Which Has Since Banned Me from Future Submissions
1. Orange you glad I didn’t say gonorrhea?
2. Lettuce…
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Most Hilarious White House Pranks!
President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…
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Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion
"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…
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First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey
Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…
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Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!
Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…
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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do
The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal
1)…
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Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's
It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…
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Other People Mike Pence Won't Dine With
Pence's wife has announced that Mike Pence never dines with women…
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The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8
We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…
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Things We Learned From The New Spider-Man Trailer
Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of…
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L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers
L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…
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NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)
What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…
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Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)
“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…
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Kid-Lit of the Revolution
"...it turns out, Kim Jong Il —along with dad Kim Il Sung —…
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Paul Ryan's Other Teenage Dreams
“So Medicaid, sending it back to the states, capping its growth…
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Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus
Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:
The man known as Jesus…
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Quiz: Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed
1. Almazbek Atambayev
2. Trcghed Acfsfgth
3. Grcguhgyy…
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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide
(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…
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The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front
June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA
Dear Mom,
Today,…
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A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy
1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever…
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Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World
Finding Chemo
The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job
The…
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Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary
JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…
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Guided Meditations For The Trump Era
In light of recent political events, we’ve updated our app…
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Every Emoji Is a Dick Emoji
You've probably heard the old adage "the eggplant emoji is…
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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.
Menu
Bar Snacks
Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs
If we're…
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How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)
PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”:
Dear…
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Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips
No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar!
A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…
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Signs That You Have March Madness
Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply…
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Most Anticipated New Reality Shows
Extreme Vetting
Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…
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Unwanted Virtual Reality "Brand Experiences"
The FedEx Immersive Apartment
Feel like you’re actually…
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Today’s Applied Math Lecture
Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…
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Mike Pence Returns to The Crossroads
“I went to the crossroads, fell down on my knees,
Asked the…
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Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids
EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…
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Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)
Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…
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Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots
Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the…
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Animatronic Donald Trump's Executive Orders From Disney's Hall of Presidents
Inside Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction, 44 animatronic…
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I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something
Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…
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Trump Administration Revised Terror Watch List
Nordstrom
Australia
Meryl Streep
Cast…
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Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup
Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…
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Give Peas a Chance
ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…
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5 Ways to Spice up Your Relationship with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak
Every serious relationship goes through dry spells. It’s…
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Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner
President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…
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For Our Wedding We’re Registered For All the Items We Destroyed During the Blowout Fight We Had While Registering at Bed Bath and Beyond
We’re officially less than three months away! Eeeep! It’s…
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The Hottest Travel Destinations on TRAPPIST-1
In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA…
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WebMD: Repeal And Replace
I’ll Die Without Insurance Disorder
What is I’ll Die…
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Immigrationgram
Introducing the Immigrationgram app! Now you can see what your…
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The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating App
Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry…
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Obama Wire Tapping
What President Obama overheard while tapping Donald Trump's phone…
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Sessions Lessons
YOU can be as great of a liar as Jeff Sessions!! It's true!! …
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In The Event Of Nuclear War I’m Teaching My Cockroaches How To Lock Up The House
Well, it seems like despite everyone’s best efforts, the world…
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Kellyanne Conway's Guide To White House Etiquette
When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece…
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Department of Nihilism Study Finds That Nothing Matters Anyway
WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of…
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Other Big Goofs From Last Night's Oscars
Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape.
Jimmy…
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Trumped Oscar Films
The American Academy of Arts & Sciences announced during…
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How To Tell If You're Allowed In The White House Press Briefing Room
Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka's sassy…
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Goodbye to the Cancer Moonshot
“Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses.”
~…
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Other Surefire Ways to Get Kicked Out of CPAC
Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference…
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The Aliens from Arrival Review the Oscar Nominees for Visual Effects
We learned many new words when we arrived on your Earth. Cars.…
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The Westminster Human Show 2047
Welcome to the premier showcase of humanity, transmitted across…
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Thanks For Your Patreon Payment!
My Good Friend Anthony,
Thanks for sponsoring my creative…
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President Trump's Black History Month Checklist
☐ Why no White History Month? Have someone look into that.
☐…
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TRUMPO Phonetic Alphabet
The administration's defense secretary said Trump may reduce…
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FOTO BOMB: ты слышишь меня сейчас?
Can you hear me now?
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45 Things More Shameful Than Having Your Identity Stolen at Arby's
Nope. Sorry, you blew it.
You came here expecting a list of…
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Leaked Drafts of Donald Trump's Remarks About Some Upcoming Holidays
Susan B. Anthony Day
Today we honor Susan Anthony. Lots to…
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White House, Dirty Laundry: Presidential Sick Habits
Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged…
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An Open Letter to Chad, the Bag Boy
Look Chad, we need to talk about your performance. But if you’ll…
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What Happened 'Last Night In Sweden'
Here's what President Trump was talking about when he mentioned…
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The President Trump Coffee Table Book — Get It Today!
The valor. The prestige. The endless parade of tanks and missile…
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A Few More Statements About Black History Month from President Trump
Black Cats
A lot of great cats out there, folks. White cats,…
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Reasons Why I Imagine You Didn’t “Like” My Post
You didn’t see it.
You like to space out your “likes,”…
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Sports Illustrated: The Lesser Known Specialty Issues
Sure, you know the "Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition".…
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An Open Letter To Cilantro
Dear Cilantro,
Touché. You’ve done it again.…
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Joint Press Conference: Trump and Netanyahu
"We take you live to the White House where President Trump is…
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FOTO BOMB: Evil Step Brothers
One is a nut-ball leader of North Korea, the other just wanted…
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Ernest Hemingway's Fifty Ways To Drive Your Man Wild In Bed
Editor's note: Quite a few of Ernest Hemingway’s early short…
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Mike Flynn Phone Calls
The Trump Administration has more phone call problems.
(Now…
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Trump News Conference
"We take you live to the White House where President Trump is…
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Rejected Candy Hearts
Your Fist Is On My List
Four Fingers?!?
Please?…
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The Grammys Drinking Game
To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take…
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5 Ways To Repurpose Aging Supermodels Into Minimalist Home Decor
As our runway models age, we ask ourselves, “What do I do with…
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How I Should Be Depicted in the Movies
Never show me looking through binoculars at a nudist colony.…
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Trump/Putin Rom-Coms
Four Elections and An Impeachment
Donald is a brash but sensitive…
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Bobby Fink: Kid Detective - The Case of Trump's Missing Terror Attacks
It was the start of February when she walked back into my life.…
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Rudy Giuliani’s Cyber Security Tips
As Donald Trump’s administration continues to take shape, Rudy…
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Hearing To Determine Grizzly Bear’s Eligibility In Schools
SENATOR BERNIE SALAMANDER: (D-VA): The watering hole will come…
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Putin's Diary
Dearest Diary,
Sometimes I believe you are my only friend.…
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Other Things That The Kremlin Would Like An Apology For
President Trump's interview with Bill O'Reilly on Fox News really…
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Trump's New Rules
Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…
Meeting in…
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FOTO BOMB: Lady Gaga Super Bowl Halftime Show
The question everyone has. What will Lady Gaga wear and do…
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Sean Spicer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Period.
I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before…
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Bowling Green Massacre and Our All-Time Favorite Kellyanne Conway Lies
So now Kellyanne Conway is referring to a "Bowling Green Massacre",…
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President Seeking Agreeable White House Staffer
Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White…
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Trump's National Prayer Breakfast Offering
Hey, are you there God? It's me, Donald.
To tell you the truth,…
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Trump Calls to World Leaders
President Donald J. Trump reportedly became angry during a telephone…
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Does The Mile High Club Still Count if My Plane Has Been Missing Since 2014?
Guess what, man? I totally did it! Mile high club, baby! Yes!…
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Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes
Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes as a Special Correspondent.…
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Building Your Deck with Elon Musk
Step 1 - Commit to Your Deck
Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome…
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Incredible Football Facts!
The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs…
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Super Bowl Vegas Odds
Experts predict close to $5 billion will be bet on Sunday's Super…
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Naughty NASA Pickup Lines
Do you want to ask out that special crush, but scared she’ll…
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Other Trump Executive Orders You Might Have Missed
New trade agreement discussions with Chile ("Mostly because I…
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How The Obamas Spent Their Vacation In The British Virgin Islands
When the Obamas departed from the White House on January 20th,…
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News From the White House Got You Down? Try Presidex!
Do you ever find yourself staying up through the wee hours of…
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Extreme Vetting
"We take you live to New York City's John F. Kennedy International…
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Alternate ways of paying for the wall
Now that Mexico has refused to pay for the wall that the Trump…
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Steven’s March on Washington Highlights Issues of Importance to Steven
WASHINGTON — One week after the more publicized Women’s…
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White House Confidential: Overheard During Trump’s First Week In Office
Anyone got a thesaurus? I’m running out of synonyms for the…
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2017 Ethics: Punching a Nazi and Other Acceptable Acts
Punching a Nazi
Putting an empty milk carton back into…
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Wine Pairings With Household Chores
According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the…
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Trump's Other Changes To The White House Website
Trump wasn't in office for even a day when he made several notable…
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Alternatives to Alternative Facts
The truth seems to be a fickle thing in the new White House,…
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BuzzFeed for Dads
19 Nose Hair Trimmers Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life.
27…
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Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail
[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check…
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President Trump's First News Conference
"We take you to Washington D.C. where President Trump is about…