Walk this way! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CALPURNIA: Atticus, you better check your lipstick before you even think of coming to talk to me.  *Does a sultry hair flip and eye ball roll.*  Now, don’t go tugging at that dress, Scout. You want to have it all wrinkled before you even get to school? 

Oh No, I Apri-cut Your Nuts! Created to specifically address the surprising rise of violence in the Edible Arrangements community, this bevvy of dried apricots and rich cashews are sure to say “I’m sorry I cut off your testicles. Let’s still be friends.”

Meta Metamorphosis! In today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Missing something? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Mamas and the Pastas, Justin Beefer, David Lee Broth, and more #BandAFood on this week's trending joke game!

Keep at least 141 million miles distance between you and Earth. Binge watch Season 2 of 01010111. Don’t touch your antenna. And more!

Today I will do the coronavirus response briefing and it will be amazing! This time I will remember to swallow. Last night I did arm practice with Ivanka for two hours. I think I’m finally getting how to hold them! 

It’s an outrage that healthcare providers don’t have access to critical medical supplies, like masks with Bluetooth capability. Docs are treating sick people every day, but what about sick beats? See if we can spin up a model that can RickRoll patients when things get too heavy.

Face froze? Might need a reboot. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Grim & Tonic, Mountain Blue, Red Whine, and more #DepressedDrinks on this week's trending joke game!

I just got knocked down in between writing this paragraph and the paragraph above it, the one about getting knocked down and getting up again at the Richard Marx concert.

I know I was supposed to bring an upside-down pineapple cake to the potluck, but I opened the fridge and all I had were turnips. Turnips, a bottle of ranch, and a dead bird I found in the yard a few weeks ago.

They just walked outside? Ridiculous. Today's cartoon by Jefferson Deng.

Kitchen table feeling smaller and smaller? Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

I’m also sorry I mocked you for your food hoards – I’m sorry, I’m sorry, supply stores. I bet *you’re* not out of toilet paper, right? Ha, ha. I know I made fun of the fact that you’d cached so many Slim Jims, but a lot of what you had down there was of solid nutritional value. 

"First, let me thank you all for continuing to work so diligently from home during these very uncertain times and -- oof-- whoever that was, I don't like the sound of that cough."

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

Agnes, 72 -- “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.

Amazingly sculpted cold sweat detail! Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Lead by example, Будем здоровы! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.  *Resident behind him* He doesn't even work here.

* “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet * Now streaming on Netflix: A Rose As Sweet! One bachelor will date twenty women named Rose. The twist: he can’t see them or talk to them. He must decide which Rose to marry -- only by smelling them.

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

Cherry Pieden, Butter Emails, Bundtigieg Cake, and more #DemocratDesserts on this week's joke game!

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

Lord and Lady Quittersley, Mr. and Mrs. Filthy-Commoner, and more.

It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!

The results are finally in. Today's cartoon by Kim Warp.

The excitement of meeting someone new...I guess...whatever who cares. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

Dongs and Bongs, Weed harmony, Stumble, and more #StonerDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

She’s often tardy because her sister Carrie has fallen into an abandoned mine shaft.  She also has her own mascot, an oval-faced man with a big bushy mustache and a red bow tie she refers to as Julius. 

'Saved by the Smell', 'Funky Brewster', 'Welcome Back, Farter' and more #StinkySitcoms on this week's joke game!

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

Welcome to the new Makerspace Surgery Center!  Not only are we here for the children kicked off Medicaid, but also for the rest of us that are so chronically underinsured that having a DIY surgery center seemed like the best option.  I would also like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Joanne Fabrics. When you need quality surgical dressings, think of Joanne Fabrics!

Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.

Hater Tots, Scream Beans, & Sweet, Sour, Bitter, Angry Lonely Chicken! It's #MoodyMenuItems on this week's joke game!

You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate. 

Oh, and you look like a corpse when you wear yellow. It’s not “fun” if you’re an ambulating cadaver. Donate your yellow garments, girl.

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics  WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

It's a real page burner. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

Hasbro buys Death Row Records, do you know which is which?  Ready, set, go...

Raiders of the Lost Carp, Death Fish, Get Trout and more #FishAnActionMovie on this week's hashtag game!