Posts

CARTOON: Just Checking

Toss in a casino while you're at it. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Funny Ending

Treat Yourself. Cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee

Whip out your 7 Sutra Ionic Heat Brushes from your purse and cry, “What more do you people want from me?”. And more.

#SpookyExcusesForBeingLate

It was a funny, excuse filled haunting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #8 in USA! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Sorry, Boss, But I'm Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

No. No, I didn't know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The "Chad the Pool Boy" sketches. I'm not really into current pop music, so I'm not too familiar with her songs.

CARTOON: Art Class

Frustrating times 8. Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

CARTOON: Modern Legacy

It's what she would have #wanted. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

How to Save Football

At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.

Presidential Portraits

Kim jong ill-fitting suit, The Mandarin orange candidate, Stable genius, and more.

#HorrorSports

I Know What You Did Last Summer Olympics, Synchronised Skinning, Ben Roethlismurder and more #HorrorSports from our trending hashtag game!

CARTOON: Minimum Requirements

You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate

Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age...

#RuinACookie

You guys are cooking up some great ways to #RuinACookie! Here are some of the best from our weekly twitter game!

CARTOON: Hospital

"It's always about you." Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein

CARTOON: Tough Move

Tough move. Today's cartoon by Jeremy Banx.

Sickly Bands

art by Dan McConnell

CARTOON: Trumpunzel

Trumpunzel, Trumpunzel, let down your...is that hair? Everything is fine, just tweet away! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

I'm a Risk Taker

Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, I’ll prove it to you.

NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band

1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7.…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel,…

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names

My Wifi Network Name:  Turn Down Your TV Seriously…

Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf

1.    Envy 2.   Gluttony 3.   Sneezy 4.   Greed 5.…

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

How To Monetize Your Kitten

Now that you brought home your new cat, it’s time to take this…

CARTOON: Vaping

"But vaping is healthier" uuuhhhhh yeah we'll pretend that's true.

VIDEO: Drama at the Office

How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx

Well, that didn't play out quite like we thought it would.

“Alexa, Self-Destruct” And Other Ways To Delete What Alexa Records You Saying

With the recent news that Amazon’s Alexa device saves recordings…

Dad Jokes: Just the Punchlines

I don’t know, CAN you assume I don’t want to be resuscitated? and more punchlines from Dad Jokes.

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,   Greetings and welcome to the…

International House of Pancakes, Iconic Breakfast Restaurant, Dead at 60

Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

#BadSummerBooks

We're putting together a summer reading list so we can go on…

Margaritaville, Inc.’s Annual Report, By Jimmy Buffett

Mahalo shareholders, stakeholders and loyal Parrotheads. Margaritaville,…

Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist

“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It…

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed

Aries Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…

Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By...

Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry …

Talkward w/ guest Jonathan Zeller

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and performer…

Favorite Sites On The Dark Web

Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web...

Trump Finally Saw Avengers: Infinity War

Looks like Trump finally saw Infinity War and he's got some tweets for his new most admirable and very best new friend Thanos.

10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding

Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. …

I’ll Have You Know, Riding My Scooter Makes Getting To Sex Appointments Much Faster

On your left! Please move out of my way, I’m the adult man riding the Razor scooter, and I really need to get to my next sex appointment ASAP!

The White House Party Planning Committee Brainstorms For Cinco de Mayo

TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party…

Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well

AB - Player saw  “a bat” SB - Player “saw” a “bat” BK…

Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore

That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other…

Jokes My Sister Won’t Let Me Tell in a Toast at Her Wedding

It’s heartwarming to know that even in these tumultuous times,…

Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point

Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…

10 Alternate Expressions to Use When “Cutting Onions” Seems Played Out

Ok, so you just read something that brought tears to your eyes,…

Wedding Rejection Emails

Listen to this article! Dear Mary, I regret to inform…

Talkward w/ guest Adam Mamawala

This episode of Talkward welcomes comic Adam Mamawala! His new…

A Day In The Life Of Sean Hannity

Wake up, take morning piss (mostly blood). Make coffee while…

Department Of Defense Itemized Trump Property Charges

This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just…

The Best Jokes By Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot About Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot

This week, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk made news by hiring former…

Jobs Well-Suited For A Disillusioned Twenty-Something Office Worker

Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety…

Talkward w/guest Andrew Collin

This episode of Talkward welcomes guest Andrew Collin! Andrew…

The Best Lyrics From Limp Bizkit’s New Apology Album

Limp Bizkit’s highly anticipated sixth studio album, Stampede…

Dentist Accidentally Extracts Man’s Face

BISMARCK, North Dakota – Len Wheaton went to the dentist expecting…

Welcome to Mobility University™, an AT&T® Institution!

Welcome, new faculty member!   AT&T® is a recognized…

Quiz: Tender Catcall Bestowed Upon Me or Michael Bolton Song?

1. How Can We Be Lovers 2. Are You Taken? 3. Murder My…

As An Olympic Curler I Resent Being Asked To Sweep Out The Garage

Honey, I feel like we’ve been over this a thousand times.   On…

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…

Highlights Of Trump's Planned Military Parade

The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere.…

Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama

Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search…

Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

First Steps   SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?   YOU:…

8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person

The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had…

President Trump's Favorite Things About The Government Shutdown

You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy…

Top Selling Christian Rock Albums Since Trump’s Presidential Win

Turn The Orange Cheek Prayer Warriors Small Hands, Big…

Most Interesting Things Overheard During Trump's Physical

"Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President." "That's OK, Doctor.…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal

“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…

Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?

Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings In the ‘80s there was nothing…

Most Returned Christmas Gifts: 2017 Edition

Rapist! Harvey Weinstein's cologne for men (30% infused rose-water,…

The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" As told by: Dasher Okay, let…

Wait... Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD

1: Wait... Look, squirrel! 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8:…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other

1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me. 2: No, I saw…

Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts

Dear        Mr. Brody    , WELCOME!  We are delighted…

Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players

Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…

Talkward w/ guest Bridget Fitzgerald

In this episode of Talkward, actress, comedian, and model…

If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…

The War on Penis Terror: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 5)

~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~ Eager to earn your dignity as an honored…

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…

QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4.…

First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…

Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…

The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating App

Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry…

An Open Letter to Chad, the Bag Boy

Look Chad, we need to talk about your performance. But if you’ll…

FOTO BOMB: Trump @ CES

Trump is at it again doing his White House training at CES…

Jack Sprat Could Eat No Fat

Jack Sprat could eat no fat. He had high cholesterol, and his…

9 Great Urinal Conversation Topics

1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These…

My TripAdvisor

“Had Reservations Before We Made Reservations” ★★☆☆☆ Reviewed…

Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black…

Rosy-Cheeked Residents of the Bizarro Earth Are Thankful For...

President-Elect Michelle Obama not only soundly defeating Donald…

Alliterative Day-of-the-Week Themes to Boost Morale at Your Startup

  Mole Mondays Nope, not the cute little furry critter!…

Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…

Answer Sheet For The Exam Of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier

Any deviation from these exact answers during the blind tasting…

The Endings Of Those Novels You Were Supposed To Read Over The Summer

A new school year is fast approaching, and I'm willing to bet…

Least Coveted Raffle Prizes

Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift…

Classic Romantic Comedies If They Were Set In Present Day

1. When Harry Met Sally   Instead of it taking Harry…