The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. 

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial. 

I look toward the Empire State Building and wonder if I should just puncture myself on its spire. Put myself out of my misery.

Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you’ve botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven.

Greetings from Apartment 3B, where Paul, the self-proclaimed defender of sanity, would like to issue a pre-emptive strike against the impending Halloween decor about to engulf our building. I hereby cast my vote in favor of banning these festive accouterments in the name of safety! 

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Outdoor Film in the Cavern, Bowling in the Cavern, Concert… in the Cavern and more!

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Upon giving enthusiastic consent to be gently mummified in a mineral-rich algae wrap, you’ll receive a steady stream of affirmations reflecting your inherent human value, while our state-of-the-art Sonos speakers alternate between playing Jessi J’s Queen and a calming voice whispering true statistics about the body size of the average human woman.

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says. 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!

Robert Downey, Jr. :You may feel a bit envious that I got to meet Robert Downey, Jr. when he skied into my back in Park City, Utah, but there’s really no need to be jealous.  Robert Downey, Jr. skis into everyone. But he’s just so charming when he picks you up, it almost makes you forget the bruises, so it’s not all bad.

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

George Santos, as we know, is also an international film star, he and his co-star Kitara Ravache, are up for an Oscar in the new film, The Bullshit Artist'! It's remarkable, with his animal charity work, elected office, and work as a eyewear model, that he finds the time to do it all! Fingers crossed!

We are fully aware that YOU Are an AUDIENCE MEMBER Who came here with no intention of playing WILBUR TURNBLAD But like I Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says...

Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: "Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.

For those we are letting go, we will be offering generous severance packages including the souls of 10,000 babies and a gift card to Spencers Gifts, the official retail partner of hell.

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

At the Food Network, we pride ourselves on producing shows that showcase and explore the rich culinary world and most importantly, educating and entertaining our viewers. However, “exploring the rich culinary world” does not include hunting down our own hosts. We truly cannot believe this happened a second time.

"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on Billy Joel." "Is it better to have Joeled and lost than never to have Joeled at all?" "Close, but no Billy Joel." And more!