Posts

CARTOON: First Of All...

Pretty sure it was like this before. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein. Check out Bob's new book, The Elements of Stress!

CARTOON: Book Launch 2020

Step way back and check out our new releases!

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

How’s It Going? A F.A.Q.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw

This episode of Talkward welcomes the non-stop comedy cartoon duo Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw! The both are long-time famous cartoonists and writers who have been featured in The New Yorker, New York Times, among many others. They have a new book out, THE ELEMENTS OF STRESS and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm! It aims to help de-stress our currently very stressful world. It's very funny, and guaranteed to relax you, even if you have to roll it up and smoke it.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

Tips for Fleeing a Zombie Apocalypse or Leaving the House with a Toddler

For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers.

CARTOON: Demographics

Check these figures and get back to me. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

News Briefs: Marriage

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

It’s Me, Venus, And After Putting Me in the Uninhabitable Zone, You Finally See I Had Life All Along

So here I am. No rings. No moons. I’m just a planet, standing in front of another planet on the brink of disaster, asking its scientists to believe there’s life in me. Earth might spin in my opposite direction, but to me, you are perfect. Choose me. Inhabit me. Let me make you happy.

I’m That Little Ghost Girl from "The Ring", and the Death of VHS Has Destroyed My Small Business

Still, as DVDs, VOD, and eventually streaming crushed VHS into a rectangle relic of the past, the final nail in my coffin came with the ubiquity of the smartphone.

CARTOON: Targeted Advertising

Row, Row, Scroll, Scroll. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

NEWS BRIEFS: Dishes

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

CARTOON: Just Deserts

Suddenly prime real estate. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Radical Movers

Totally tubular 'burbs bro! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Daniel Salomon.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table?  No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in his likeness made of gypsum sand and the blood of virgin stallions. Marianne, it was probably just some kid yanking your crank.      

CARTOON: Hot Air

Yet we feel deflated. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

#NauseatingNovels

The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Not A Chance Card

Just one more scroll...Today's cartoon by Ernio Hernandez.

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

CARTOON: Mindless Buzz

Mindless Buzz. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

NEWS BRIEFS: Space

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match. 

#RaunchyRockBands

Panic! At The Dildo, Spinal WAP, Death Cab for Booty, and more #RaunchyRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Sleepy South

Might need something stronger then coffee. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows

We Actually Hate Having Guests! And more.

80s Movies Mash-Up

Ferris Bueller’s Nightmare on Elm Street, Revenge of the Scanners, Full Metal Jedi, and more!

CARTOON: RNC Speakers

Really stacking that talent roster. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

I, Henry VIII Am Signing a Posthumous Pardon for My Wives Who I Had Executed for Unsubstantiated Reasons

A woman should always be held to an unimaginably higher standard than a man. How else will we know they’re worthy of bearing our children or looking after property that they can never legally own?

Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic

'The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.' 'The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.' And more!

CARTOON: USPS Streamlined Sorting

It's all about efficiency. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: De-evolution

De-evolution. Today's cartoon by Paul Cannata.

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

Other Channels Answer to Shark Week

Tough to compete with Shark Week, but channels have to try! Illustrated list by Bob Eckstein.

We Sharks are Officially Opting Out of Shark Week 2020

The Great White, Bull, and Hammerhead Sharks were among the first to opt out of this year’s Shark Week. The Megaladon has insisted that they’re still comfortable in their 3.6 million year retirement and will not return to help out The Discovery Channel and we support their decision. Minor League Shark Week, which consists solely of Whale Shark programming, has been outright cancelled.

The Calm App Presents: Shark Week

Why Shark Week? We’ve long admired these powerful predators, which, through centuries of optimization and mindfulness, have evolved into single-minded masses of sinew and cartilage with one goal: to destroy. In this way, sharks exemplify the Calm manifesto. Also, as the alpha predator of the sea with near-nothing to worry about, what’s calmer than a shark?

NEWSBRIEFS: Working

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Projects

Good to have some ME time. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity. 

Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick

Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)

#MeanIceCream

Pissedtachio, Moose Traps, Butterface Pecan, and more #MeanIceCream in this week's trending joke game!

Evergreen Satire Headline Generator

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

CARTOON: Rent Vent

Look out for the eviction fairy. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face mask on their chin.

Two Tour de France Announcers Narrate My Morning Jog 

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

CARTOON: Zoom Batter!

Hope they are charged up for the game! Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

#SmellyCelebs

Old Spice Girls, Fart Simpson, N*STINK, and more #SmellyCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Tan Lines

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

How to Simulate Your Ten Year Reunion at Home

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

NEWS BRIEFS: Guy on Porch Sees You, Knows What You’re Up To.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattended in a parking lot after 5 pm. That’s just plain rude.  I was totally pissed. How dare this stranger call me ma’am? I was 27. 

Submerged TV Series Brought About By Global Warming

The Walrusing  Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!

Beloved Children’s Classics That Will Trigger Your Crippling Anxiety

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia. 

CARTOON: Zoom Wave

Let's do the digital WAVE, got any cyberdogs!? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

#VileVideoGames

Personal Space Invaders, Fartnite, Chronic the Hedgehog, and more #VileVideoGames on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Feline Feeling

Purrrfect match? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea

Daily Affirmations For Better Zoom Meetings

Keep calm and pray for good Wi-Fi. Check out this great comic by Tiny Beast Comics!

NEWS BRIEFS: 100% of All Home-Schooled Teens "Very Likely" to Masturbate During Lunch.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: The Covid Kid

Super spreading everywhere except one place. Today's cartoon by Dan McConnell and Joe Bissonnett.

Fortune Cookies for the Coronapocalypse

Beware of chaotic sexual energy that could land you in the ICU. No glove, no love. No mask, no ass.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere. 

#SuckyStreamingShows

The Man In The White Castle, Game of Scones, Dr. Whom, Comedians in Jars Getting Toffee, and more #SuckyStreamingShows on this week's trending joke game!

Talkward w/ guest Jason Chatfield

This episode of Talkward welcomes back cartoonist, stand-up comic, and actor Jason Chatfield! Jason is the president of The National Cartoonists Society, and a contributor in The New Yorker. We discuss cartooning, Tom Richmond, Mort Drucker, Jason's drawing diary during his bout with Covid-19 and even the 'Murder, She Wrote' episode that uses The Reuben Award as a murder weapon!

CARTOON: Whale Tale

What have you got to lose? Besides your leg, everyone on the ship, the ship itself and...Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

I Am Nathan’s Hot Dog #75 and I Pray That Joey Chestnut’s Stomach Is Slowing Down

The spotlight might give my love life a boost. After all, there is no better way to let all the single snacks out there know that I am available than not getting eaten on ESPN. Have I mentioned that I always use a condiment?

What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

The Commissioner's Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

The Five Most Popular 19th Century ASMR Recordings

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

#SadSodas

Coke Zero Friends, Sunpissed, Ginger Fail, and more #SadSodas in this week's trending joke game!

Days of the Week Underwear Quarantine Edition

Very helpful way to keep on track, and be as focused and efficient as possible!

Horoscopes For the Quarantined

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

CARTOON: Feeling Week

Just got to make it through another week. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

CARTOON: The Little Dutchboy 2020

The tiny fingers won't work. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name

 Moby Dickens, Ted From Accounting, The Banana Split Infinitives, and more Bookstore OR Band.

The Dip Is Gone, and Therefore I Must Depart

I didn’t come to mess around. I didn’t come to mingle with two dozen amateurs who can’t handle their dip. Everyone kept asking each other what they do for a living. What do I do for a living? I eat dip. Why else on God’s green earth would I be here? I don’t care that you’re an accountant.

Star Wars if All The Bad Guys Refused to Wear Their Masks

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

CARTOON: Release

Good to finally get out. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Ed Steckley.

CARTOON: Not Invited

Cut. It. Out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: MORE RALLY VENUES

Always read the fine print! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

If Shakespeare Characters Had Podcasts

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by ChristianMingle.com.

Good Jobs For Bad Cops

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

CARTOON: Mirror Mirror

Overkill. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Danielle Steel Chats With Guys On Hinge

[ALEXANDER liked DANIELLE’S photo, captioned “Sourdough-re-me.”] ALEXANDER: Was it light, fluffy, and soft to the touch? DANIELLE: Talk gluten to me, dammit!

CARTOON: Peaced Out

This ain't no dove glove. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

#SadCereals

Frosted mini weeps, Honeycombover, Bloatmeal, and more #SadCereals on this week's trending joke game!

COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed...

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

I Was Unaware Edible Underwear Is Meant To Be A Sex Thing

This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?

CARTOON: Jarring

I swear we need a bigger jar. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Six Landmark Agreements of the Miller Family

The Streaming Accord: Tara is entitled to a total of six hours of Netflix per week. She will be allowed additional Netflix consumption in the following unique circumstances: she’s in a bad mood, it’s raining, Mom and Dad are tired, she’s sick, somebody else is sick, she’s crying, people are over.

#StinkyBooks

The Fart Of The Deal, The Smell Jar, A Tree Grows in Jersey, and more #StinkyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Gen-X Songs Adjusted For Middle Age In Times Of Covid

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?

CARTOON: Ratings Gold

Did you see? Number 1 on all the networks. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Zoom Shakespeare

A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Titania: My Oberon! What visions I have seen! Methought I was enamour’d of an ass. / Oberon: My queen, the wood has a bad connection. You are frozen again.

New Pandemic Businesses

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you'd thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we'll take those rascals off of your hands!

Things A Dad Should Not Say To His Class Of 2020 Daughter On Prom Night

The big positive is that in 25 years nobody will be able to point to your prom photos and say, "Can you believe you ever wore your hair like that?"

I am the Bucket of Pig’s Blood Perched Atop the Rafters in This Empty High School Gymnasium

Anything could have happened on prom day – just like in the movies - that first kiss, getting finger banged in the limo, being voted to prom court, and the possibility of a deadly inferno promulgated by the telekinetic outcast who just got a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her!

CARTOON: Inspection

Looks perfect here, masks not required. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Masterclasses Coming To A YouTube Ad Near You

I Am Not Throwing Away My Slot: Vigilance, Grit and Determination in the Face of All Odds of Snagging an Instacart Delivery Time, with Lin Manuel Miranda

CARTOON: Taking Stock

Missing the spotlight? Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

#FuriousFruits

Honeydon’t, Sour Grapes, Mango to hell, and more #FuriousFruits on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Summer 2020 Poolside Styles

Don't forget to floss! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Newly Discovered Side Effects of Hydroxychloroquine

Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.

The Spring 2020 Vera Wang Wedding Dress Collection

The Fauci – Strapless soft sweetheart full A-line gown with draped wrap DuPont Tyvek 400 haz-mat bodice and swirling frothy draped skirt made from high-density polyethylene with guaranteed protection from particles and virus < 1 micron in size.  Accentuated with organza sprig appliques with hand-tacked voluminous framed horsehair overskirt.  Available in ivory or white.  Or reflective yellow latex.

The Amazon Prime Fresh Prince of Bel Air and 11 Other CoronaVirus TV Show Reboots

Stay at Home Improvement, Dr Birx, Medicine Woman, and more!

New Uses For Obsolete Bras

Dog harness, Privacy screens, and more uses for all those unused bras.

CARTOON: Our American Leader Ship

We are all stuck on this cruise ship. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

What the Hell, Hummingbirds?

Screw that! You’re not special, just because you flap your wings up to 80 times per second and have a heart rate that reaches 1,260 beats per minute. Big whoop! I have a heart too you know, and while it might not beat as fast as yours does, it can still break when its birdwatching needs go unfulfilled.

#KinkyCartoons

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

People and Things I Would Rather Vote for Than Trump

The list is long, and repulsive, yet all much, much better options. Illustrated list by Jason Chatfield.

CARTOON: Going Deep

Maybe a little of both? Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

CARTOON: Mom Wipes

You got a little something on your cheek. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Revised Rides at Reopening Disney Shanghai

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.

QUARANTEEN Magazine

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

CARTOON: Far Fade

A lot off the top. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

If Other Professions Recruited Like Multi-Level Marketing Scams

If you’ve ever wanted to work in your pjs, set your own hours, and be the proud owner of your own business, I’d love to talk with you about becoming a stay-at-home mom. The hours are grueling and the opportunities to work literally never end...

CARTOON: Ahoy!

You sure? You should see the buffet! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

#EvilMusicals

The Tiger King and I, A Little Fright Music, Gaslight Express, Jared and the Amazing Technicolor Dumbass, and more #EvilMusicals on this week's trending joke game!

We, Arby's, Regret to Inform You We No Longer 'Have the Meats'

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

Classic Novels Rewritten for the Coronavirus Pandemic 

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

CARTOON: Warp Drive

He went to Jared. Again. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Pandemericks

We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

One-Minute Coronavirus Mysteries

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)