Posts

We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy to Allow Us to Watch You in the Shower

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

Jimmy Buffet Song or How I’m Explaining the Divorce to My Kids from Inside the New Akron Margaritaville

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…

CARTOON: Debatable

The job interview process is a pain. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Queen's New Titles for Harry and Meghan

Lord and Lady Quittersley, Mr. and Mrs. Filthy-Commoner, and more.

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense. 

Bachelor #244: There’s Trouble at the Mansion

It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!

Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine's Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I'm sure that you know this one... yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs.... my heart!

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

CARTOON: The Winner

The results are finally in. Today's cartoon by Kim Warp.

CARTOON: Cupid's Prep Table

Love and romance prepper. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Love Bug

Love at first fright. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Noncommittal Candy Hearts

The excitement of meeting someone new...I guess...whatever who cares. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

CARTOON: Stone Cold

Roger Stone's Prison Tattoo. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

#StonerDatingApps

Dongs and Bongs, Weed harmony, Stumble, and more #StonerDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Stereotyping

Stereotyping is bad, mostly because of the hand cramps. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks! Go pick up his new book, "LOVE and other weird things by Rich Sparks"

How Cheers Characters Would Be Voting in 2020

Sam Malone (bartender/owner): Elizabeth Warren, Robin Colcord (industrialist/Grey Poupon enthusiast): Tom Steyer, Lilith Sternin (psychiatrist/professional dom): Amy Klobuchar, and more!

Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be an Abiogenetic Hybrid of Laura Ingalls Wilder and A Can of Pringles 

She’s often tardy because her sister Carrie has fallen into an abandoned mine shaft.  She also has her own mascot, an oval-faced man with a big bushy mustache and a red bow tie she refers to as Julius. 

John Lennon’s Tweets Regarding Last Night’s Fallon Appearance

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

#StinkySitcoms

'Saved by the Smell', 'Funky Brewster', 'Welcome Back, Farter' and more #StinkySitcoms on this week's joke game!

CARTOON: Catbird Seat

Purrrfect. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

CARTOON: Measured Excitement

Let's get deep. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.

Who Do We Have to Kidnap to Convince You to Reactivate Your Pinterest Account?

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

CARTOON: Groundhog Day

It's just a hotdog. Relax. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

A Toddler’s Etiquette Tips For Extricating Oneself From Boring Small Talk at a Party

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

Welcome to the Brand New Makerspace Surgery Center at Your Local Library

Welcome to the new Makerspace Surgery Center!  Not only are we here for the children kicked off Medicaid, but also for the rest of us that are so chronically underinsured that having a DIY surgery center seemed like the best option.  I would also like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Joanne Fabrics. When you need quality surgical dressings, think of Joanne Fabrics!

Talkward w/ guest Brittany Brave

Today on Talkward is comedy person Brittany Brave! Brittany does stand-up, improv, produces shows all over NYC and has recently started Violently Funny, a podcast and live show that shines a light on domestic violence. We discuss her comedy, getting older, meeting Robert De Niro while having a mouthful of peanut M&Ms and terrible TV. Go see her show 1/31 at Caveat!

#SexyStateSlogans

'Hawaii: We're All Getting Lei'd!' 'California: Thongs and bongs.' 'Delaware came first', and more #SexyStateSlogans on this week's joke game!

We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos

Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that 'Cards Against Humanity' is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make...

Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests

'Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats', 'Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic', and more!

#MoodyMenuItems

Hater Tots, Scream Beans, & Sweet, Sour, Bitter, Angry Lonely Chicken! It's #MoodyMenuItems on this week's joke game!

#ArcadeTheDecade

Space Force Invaders, Sonic the Hedgefund Manager, Amazon Primecraft and more #ArcadeTheDecade on our weekly joke game!

CARTOON: Festive Feeling

It's the little things. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

I Believe I’ve Mistaken This Coat Check for a Goat Check

You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate. 

#ColdSitcoms

Two Brrrrroke Girls, Freeze Company, Parkas and Recreation and more #ColdSitcoms on this week's joke game!

This Word-of-the-Day App Chooses Vocabulary Specifically for You!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

If I Started Talking to My Best Friend the Way I Talk to Myself

Oh, and you look like a corpse when you wear yellow. It’s not “fun” if you’re an ambulating cadaver. Donate your yellow garments, girl.

Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave 

NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!

CARTOON: Handy

Got to hand it to them. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

#HorrorHolidayMovies

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

Self-Care Tips For Zombies

Stay hydrated! A dehydrated zombie is, well, the same as a hydrated zombie, but it’ll give you something to do between feedings. 

CARTOON: Walk, Jerk.

I'm walking here! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics  WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

CARTOON: Feeling Lost?

It's always the last place you look. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

Examples of Accidental Magic

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

#CelebAVegetable

Benedict Pumpkinpatch, Tiffany Radish, Spuddy Holly and more #CelebAVegetable on this week's joke game!

Questions, Comments, and Concerns for Common Figures of Speech

Dog eat dog world: Sure, I know about dog fights. But dog cannibals? That’s a bit of a stretch for me. But you know what animals famously eat each other? Hamsters. So my edits for this “classic” saying is, let’s gain some accuracy and start saying we live in a “hamster eat hamster world.” It’s time to expose those bastards.

CARTOON: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Memoir

It's a real page burner. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

I’m Really Good at Escape Rooms; Step Aside While I Solve This Murder

Listen, Mrs. Nelson, I’m sorry for your loss, but the crying is distracting to my process. I’ll tell you what I told my buddy Alvin when he had a full-on panic attack during the Airplane Hostage Escape Room last June in Philly: Use. The. Pain.  

Bummer Bumper Stickers

I'm Proud Of My Son, Even Though He's Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.

New Rules for Classic Games

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

Incredibly Honest Postcards

not MISSING YOU one bit...and more!

Quiz: Death Row Or Hasbro?

Hasbro buys Death Row Records, do you know which is which?  Ready, set, go...

#BadYogaPoses

Downward Spiral, Lazy Dog, Remote Control Reach and more #BadYogaPoses on our weekly joke game!

CARTOON: Rocked City

Rocked City. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

#FishAnActionMovie

Raiders of the Lost Carp, Death Fish, Get Trout and more #FishAnActionMovie on this week's hashtag game!

CARTOON: Yard Sale

If it's in the yard, it's for sale. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: These Suck

These suck. Today's cartoon by Madeline Horwath

Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

#SadSalads

Wedgie Salad, Sneezer Salad, ColeSlaughter and more #SadSalads!

How To Succeed In Your Work Retreat Ice Breaker Games At Lake Manuwaka

Before we dive into our fun-packed rigid weekend itinerary –complete with SEVERAL trust-building exercises and virtually hundreds of opportunities to see the entire accounting team awkwardly wade into GORGEOUS lake Manuwaka in their saggy one-piece bathing suits—we’re going to start out with some fun, high energy ice breaker activities. So, leave your unmarked backpacks full of your business casual attire and valuables in that pile by the shore and come join us in the circle!

CARTOON: Checkered

Some secrets are better left unchecked. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

White Mirror

Dressed-for-yoga MADISON has a higher-tech-looking FitBit-esque device strapped to her wrist. The device’s readout says, "KALE LEVELS LOW" and a robotic voice from it says, "Now teleporting you to Whole Foods." She disappears in a whoosh of self-satisfaction.

CARTOON: Star-Popped Lovers

The static electricity between these two is incredible! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

#DrunkGameShows

The Weakest Drink, Vermouth or Consequences, Beer Factor and more #DrunkGameShows!

CARTOON: Mistakes

He makes a good point. Today's cartoon by Brian Hawes and Seth Roberts.

Only 2180s Kids Will Remember These Sitcoms!

Punk E-Brewster, Newhart 2182, Benson in Space, and more!

Talkward w/ guest Jessica Delfino

Today on Talkward is musical comedy extraordinaire Jessica Delfino! Jessica is a critically acclaimed and award winning comedic musician who has performed her quirky comedy songs all over the world. She launched the New York Comedy Music Festival (first called the Funny Songs festival) in 2012. We discuss her newest album ‘Songs To make War to (14 Anarchist Anthems for the Whole Family)’ Botnik Studios, Mom Comedy shows and she reads host Marty Dundics with her 40% accurate Psychic powers!

CARTOON: The Ass

Definitely Not Born To Run. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#PastaFlicks

Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk - Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike's friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he's forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

CARTOON: Proposal

Popped the Questionable Question. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#MurderousMusicals

STABALOT, Into The Wood-chipper, Maim, and more #MurderousMusicals!

Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

CARTOON: Spelling Bee Spell

Can you use it in a sentence? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#CheesyLiterature

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

CARTOON: Weekend Wishes

It's nobody's fault! Really! Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

CARTOON: Abracadabra!

Amazingly made her attraction disappear! Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

CARTOON: Hold On Tight!

Don't get carried away! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.

#DrunkFlowers

Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

#MythicalTaxDeductions

Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

#SadCartoons

Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

Talkward w/ guest Jeffrey Gurian

This episode of Talkward welcomes NYC comedy legend, Jeffrey Gurian. If you don't know Jeffrey, then you aren't a NY comedy person, so get in the know! He's written, performed, produced comedy with so many huge names like Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, Amy Poehler, and Seth Rogen. Learn all about him and his new book!

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

#BreakfastACollege

Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.

Casting Call for Netflix's New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?

Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.

Talkward w/ guest Claire Parker

Today on Talkward is the lovely and funny Claire Parker! Claire is an NYC based stand-up comic, actress and frequent guest on You Up w/ Nikki Glaser on Sirius/XM Comedy Central Radio.

Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)

🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more

CARTOON: Cleaners

Nasty stains. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

CARTOON: Infant Insights

Got your nose? Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."

CARTOON: Rover On The Run

Maybe it's just not into you. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

CARTOON: Valentine Smarts

Chocolate Heart Inflation. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

CARTOON: Wallnuts

Allergic to both? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: OCD

Repeat. And Again. And Again. Just one more time. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

CARTOON: On Point

Very on point! Today's cartoon by Eugenia Viti.

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

CARTOON: Air Force * 1

One small change. Huge difference. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

I Never Said Goodbye to My Barber

I have recurring nightmares about seeing Sal again. In one, I run into him on the street while I’m sporting a fresh cut. I try explaining that I of course prefer his work, but I’m only in town on holidays, when the shop is closed. Yet he ignores my blathering and thinks I’ve betrayed him. Maybe he’s right.

CARTOON: Christmas Spirit

Less is more. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

#2018in5Words

So, our typically fun little weekly hashtag game turned into…

Talkward w/ guest Courtney Kocak

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and super star sex and dating podcast host Courtney Kocak! Courtney hosts the 'Reality Bytes' podcast- tune in every week for real talk about sex, love, relationships & dating in the digital age. We discuss having your gentiles molded in custom sex toys, her new experiences in standup comedy and being a writer for Amazon's Danger & Eggs!

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

CARTOON: Crazy Straws

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

CARTOON: U.S. Belabor Secretary

Everything is going amazingly well. So well. The best...Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

CARTOON: Delicious Magic

From Ordinary Into Extraordinary! Delicious Magic. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

Top Fantastical NFL Halloween Costumes

Unharmed NFL Spouse, Team Owner The Doesn't Harbor Secret Racist Feelings, Employed Protesting Quarterback and more.

CARTOON: Greeting Cards For The Narcissist

Sometimes you need some ME time. 'Greeting Cards For The Narcissist' Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

Rejected 'Halloween' Masks

Did you know that Micheal Myers’ original mask from “Halloween” was actually just a Captain Kirk mask painted white? Believe it or not, Kirk was not the only iconic television star of the day to be considered.

Failed Halloween Treats

Fresh water taffy, Caramel-Coated Pine Cones, Topless Trading Cards Featuring Photos Of Your Mom In Her 20’s and more.

CARTOON: Mega Millions Odds

May the odds be ever in your favor. But, they really, really aren't. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Talkward w/ guest Kerryn Feehan

Today on Talkward is guest Kerryn Feehan! Kerryn is a comedian, writer, actor, model and comedy development extraordinaire! She produces and hosts a long running monthly show called Stand Up and Take Your Clothes Off! (It's first Sundays of the month! Get tickets here) Kerryn has many, many cringeworthy stories.