Posts

Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics  WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

CARTOON: Feeling Lost?

It's always the last place you look. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

Examples of Accidental Magic

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

#CelebAVegetable

Benedict Pumpkinpatch, Tiffany Radish, Spuddy Holly and more #CelebAVegetable on this week's joke game!

Questions, Comments, and Concerns for Common Figures of Speech

Dog eat dog world: Sure, I know about dog fights. But dog cannibals? That’s a bit of a stretch for me. But you know what animals famously eat each other? Hamsters. So my edits for this “classic” saying is, let’s gain some accuracy and start saying we live in a “hamster eat hamster world.” It’s time to expose those bastards.

CARTOON: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Memoir

It's a real page burner. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

I’m Really Good at Escape Rooms; Step Aside While I Solve This Murder

Listen, Mrs. Nelson, I’m sorry for your loss, but the crying is distracting to my process. I’ll tell you what I told my buddy Alvin when he had a full-on panic attack during the Airplane Hostage Escape Room last June in Philly: Use. The. Pain.  

Bummer Bumper Stickers

I'm Proud Of My Son, Even Though He's Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.

New Rules for Classic Games

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

Incredibly Honest Postcards

not MISSING YOU one bit...and more!

Quiz: Death Row Or Hasbro?

Hasbro buys Death Row Records, do you know which is which?  Ready, set, go...

#BadYogaPoses

Downward Spiral, Lazy Dog, Remote Control Reach and more #BadYogaPoses on our weekly joke game!

CARTOON: Rocked City

Rocked City. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

#FishAnActionMovie

Raiders of the Lost Carp, Death Fish, Get Trout and more #FishAnActionMovie on this week's hashtag game!

CARTOON: Yard Sale

If it's in the yard, it's for sale. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: These Suck

These suck. Today's cartoon by Madeline Horwath

Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

#SadSalads

Wedgie Salad, Sneezer Salad, ColeSlaughter and more #SadSalads!

How To Succeed In Your Work Retreat Ice Breaker Games At Lake Manuwaka

Before we dive into our fun-packed rigid weekend itinerary –complete with SEVERAL trust-building exercises and virtually hundreds of opportunities to see the entire accounting team awkwardly wade into GORGEOUS lake Manuwaka in their saggy one-piece bathing suits—we’re going to start out with some fun, high energy ice breaker activities. So, leave your unmarked backpacks full of your business casual attire and valuables in that pile by the shore and come join us in the circle!

CARTOON: Checkered

Some secrets are better left unchecked. Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

White Mirror

Dressed-for-yoga MADISON has a higher-tech-looking FitBit-esque device strapped to her wrist. The device’s readout says, "KALE LEVELS LOW" and a robotic voice from it says, "Now teleporting you to Whole Foods." She disappears in a whoosh of self-satisfaction.

CARTOON: Star-Popped Lovers

The static electricity between these two is incredible! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

#DrunkGameShows

The Weakest Drink, Vermouth or Consequences, Beer Factor and more #DrunkGameShows!

CARTOON: Mistakes

He makes a good point. Today's cartoon by Brian Hawes and Seth Roberts.

Only 2180s Kids Will Remember These Sitcoms!

Punk E-Brewster, Newhart 2182, Benson in Space, and more!

Talkward w/ guest Jessica Delfino

Today on Talkward is musical comedy extraordinaire Jessica Delfino! Jessica is a critically acclaimed and award winning comedic musician who has performed her quirky comedy songs all over the world. She launched the New York Comedy Music Festival (first called the Funny Songs festival) in 2012. We discuss her newest album ‘Songs To make War to (14 Anarchist Anthems for the Whole Family)’ Botnik Studios, Mom Comedy shows and she reads host Marty Dundics with her 40% accurate Psychic powers!

CARTOON: The Ass

Definitely Not Born To Run. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#PastaFlicks

Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk - Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike's friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he's forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

CARTOON: Proposal

Popped the Questionable Question. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#MurderousMusicals

STABALOT, Into The Wood-chipper, Maim, and more #MurderousMusicals!

Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

CARTOON: Spelling Bee Spell

Can you use it in a sentence? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#CheesyLiterature

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

CARTOON: Weekend Wishes

It's nobody's fault! Really! Today's cartoon by Joseph Dottino.

CARTOON: Abracadabra!

Amazingly made her attraction disappear! Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

CARTOON: Hold On Tight!

Don't get carried away! Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.

#DrunkFlowers

Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

#MythicalTaxDeductions

Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

#SadCartoons

Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

Talkward w/ guest Jeffrey Gurian

This episode of Talkward welcomes NYC comedy legend, Jeffrey Gurian. If you don't know Jeffrey, then you aren't a NY comedy person, so get in the know! He's written, performed, produced comedy with so many huge names like Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, Amy Poehler, and Seth Rogen. Learn all about him and his new book!

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

#BreakfastACollege

Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.

Casting Call for Netflix's New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?

Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.

Talkward w/ guest Claire Parker

Today on Talkward is the lovely and funny Claire Parker! Claire is an NYC based stand-up comic, actress and frequent guest on You Up w/ Nikki Glaser on Sirius/XM Comedy Central Radio.

Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)

🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more

CARTOON: Cleaners

Nasty stains. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

CARTOON: Infant Insights

Got your nose? Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."

CARTOON: Rover On The Run

Maybe it's just not into you. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

CARTOON: Valentine Smarts

Chocolate Heart Inflation. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

CARTOON: Wallnuts

Allergic to both? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: OCD

Repeat. And Again. And Again. Just one more time. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

CARTOON: On Point

Very on point! Today's cartoon by Eugenia Viti.

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

CARTOON: Air Force * 1

One small change. Huge difference. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

I Never Said Goodbye to My Barber

I have recurring nightmares about seeing Sal again. In one, I run into him on the street while I’m sporting a fresh cut. I try explaining that I of course prefer his work, but I’m only in town on holidays, when the shop is closed. Yet he ignores my blathering and thinks I’ve betrayed him. Maybe he’s right.

CARTOON: Christmas Spirit

Less is more. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

#2018in5Words

So, our typically fun little weekly hashtag game turned into…

Talkward w/ guest Courtney Kocak

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and super star sex and dating podcast host Courtney Kocak! Courtney hosts the 'Reality Bytes' podcast- tune in every week for real talk about sex, love, relationships & dating in the digital age. We discuss having your gentiles molded in custom sex toys, her new experiences in standup comedy and being a writer for Amazon's Danger & Eggs!

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

CARTOON: Crazy Straws

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

CARTOON: U.S. Belabor Secretary

Everything is going amazingly well. So well. The best...Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

CARTOON: Delicious Magic

From Ordinary Into Extraordinary! Delicious Magic. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

Top Fantastical NFL Halloween Costumes

Unharmed NFL Spouse, Team Owner The Doesn't Harbor Secret Racist Feelings, Employed Protesting Quarterback and more.

CARTOON: Greeting Cards For The Narcissist

Sometimes you need some ME time. 'Greeting Cards For The Narcissist' Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

Rejected 'Halloween' Masks

Did you know that Micheal Myers’ original mask from “Halloween” was actually just a Captain Kirk mask painted white? Believe it or not, Kirk was not the only iconic television star of the day to be considered.

Failed Halloween Treats

Fresh water taffy, Caramel-Coated Pine Cones, Topless Trading Cards Featuring Photos Of Your Mom In Her 20’s and more.

CARTOON: Mega Millions Odds

May the odds be ever in your favor. But, they really, really aren't. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Talkward w/ guest Kerryn Feehan

Today on Talkward is guest Kerryn Feehan! Kerryn is a comedian, writer, actor, model and comedy development extraordinaire! She produces and hosts a long running monthly show called Stand Up and Take Your Clothes Off! (It's first Sundays of the month! Get tickets here) Kerryn has many, many cringeworthy stories.

CARTOON: Just Checking

Toss in a casino while you're at it. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Funny Ending

Treat Yourself. Cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee

Whip out your 7 Sutra Ionic Heat Brushes from your purse and cry, “What more do you people want from me?”. And more.

#SpookyExcusesForBeingLate

It was a funny, excuse filled haunting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #8 in USA! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Sorry, Boss, But I'm Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

No. No, I didn't know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The "Chad the Pool Boy" sketches. I'm not really into current pop music, so I'm not too familiar with her songs.

CARTOON: Art Class

Frustrating times 8. Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

CARTOON: Modern Legacy

It's what she would have #wanted. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

How to Save Football

At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.

Presidential Portraits

Kim jong ill-fitting suit, The Mandarin orange candidate, Stable genius, and more.

#HorrorSports

I Know What You Did Last Summer Olympics, Synchronised Skinning, Ben Roethlismurder and more #HorrorSports from our trending hashtag game!

CARTOON: Minimum Requirements

You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate

Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age...

#RuinACookie

You guys are cooking up some great ways to #RuinACookie! Here are some of the best from our weekly twitter game!

CARTOON: Hospital

"It's always about you." Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein

CARTOON: Tough Move

Tough move. Today's cartoon by Jeremy Banx.

Sickly Bands

art by Dan McConnell

CARTOON: Trumpunzel

Trumpunzel, Trumpunzel, let down your...is that hair? Everything is fine, just tweet away! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

I'm a Risk Taker

Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, I’ll prove it to you.

NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band

1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7.…

CARTOON: Shark Alert!

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel,…

CARTOON: Terms & Conditions

CARTOON: Flip

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

CARTOON: Holiday's in Hell

White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

CARTOON: Trump Brunch

CARTOON: HOV - Hideous Over-comb Vehicle

A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names

My Wifi Network Name:  Turn Down Your TV Seriously…

Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf

1.    Envy 2.   Gluttony 3.   Sneezy 4.   Greed 5.…

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

How To Monetize Your Kitten

Now that you brought home your new cat, it’s time to take this…

CARTOON: Vaping

"But vaping is healthier" uuuhhhhh yeah we'll pretend that's true.

VIDEO: Drama at the Office

How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx

Well, that didn't play out quite like we thought it would.

“Alexa, Self-Destruct” And Other Ways To Delete What Alexa Records You Saying

With the recent news that Amazon’s Alexa device saves recordings…

Dad Jokes: Just the Punchlines

I don’t know, CAN you assume I don’t want to be resuscitated? and more punchlines from Dad Jokes.

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,   Greetings and welcome to the…

International House of Pancakes, Iconic Breakfast Restaurant, Dead at 60

Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose…

Drunk Cartoon: Orders

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

CARTOON: First Class