I haven't really felt in the mood these days. It's embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I've been so stressed out it's affecting my....performance. I haven't been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It's been so long I'm pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour. It's not you, it's me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.

Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.

Anal Bee's: I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees".    The former sounds pretty nice, actually.  Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. 

Cult Sexpectations. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. –Neil Diamond

69 Minutes, 30 Rock Hard, Everybody does Raymond, and more #TitillateATVShow on this week's trending joke game!

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

The lengths we go for love. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Updating sex drivers. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

The more things change...Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and John Ficarra.

From Sephora: The maker of Blackcurrant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: Motor Oil - Just drizzle a dime-size amount on your palm, put on your finger, and rub under the eyes in a circular motion. Watch as the sulfur antioxidants slowly exfoliate your delicate features.

Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!

Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

Honey, I'm Combing Out: If all else fails, just buy them this honeycomb ice cream, put on the Donna Summer classic and call it a day.

Spawn here often? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

Not everybody gets swiped right on dating APPs. Some people get swiped left. Chalk it up to a bad haircut, a sick fetish, or a prison record, but some people just have that certain je ne sais quoi that can only be found in books, though not bestsellers. Excerpted from SwipeLeftClub.com a new illustrated series by J.C. Duffy.

Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!

In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says "Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!"

These nasty novelties are needed at once for gifts — this Christian can not ruin Christmas for lonely men seeking safe pleasure play during these plague-ed times. NOW, YOU MUST HONOR OUR AGREED PRICE TO DELIVER THE GOODS and stop this coitus supply interruptus. 

Good for you? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

Even the crabs have crabs.

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Sinder, Harmers Only, Scratch, and more ##DemonicDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).

What has she got that I haven’t got, Craig? Besides eight mesmerizing tentacles, the ability to change color and texture, and a disinclination to speak? I’ll dye my hair any color you want, but I’m sorry, buddy – I’ve only got the two arms, and neither of them are covered in little suction cups.

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you're wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you've earned it.

Mother May I?  (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!

I’m sorry, but if (and when) one of my sons breaks the sacred bonds of matrimonial bliss, then he best be doing it in our charming, romantic (and hot-as-hell) garage… because that’s where the magic goes down! 

Afterward, shuttle buses will take guests to the reception to be held at the estate of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe aka Mr. Peanut. Dinner will be catered by Chef Boyardee himself and desserts provided by the Keebler Elves. (And yes, Ms.Green can eat chocolate. It is not cannibalism! We’re made of meat and eat pork. Same thing!!)

Drink so much coffee that your heart rate is the same as it would be if you ran 100 yards. That has the same effect on your body, right?

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

“I swear I’m going to finish, even if it kills me.” “It’s all about rhythm.” “It’s the perfect addition to any breakfast!” And more!

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

Be safe. Use a coaster. Cartoon by Jack Loftus.

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.