Best of the Year
Editor’s Picks of 2019
Are we done with these year-end wrap ups? Did we miss it? Probably, but that certainly won’t stop us from doing it anyway. This year was fun! From what we recall. We published two books, ‘From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts’ by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton and ‘If You Give The President A Twitter Account’ by Matt Lassen, from our new humor book imprint Humorist Books. We were nominated alongside The Daily Show, College Humor and Funny or Die for a Webby Award, (we lost). We were featured in Paste Magazine and The Week. We produced monthly live stand-up comedy for Guaranteed Delivery!, featuring some of the top talent making jokes today, and talked a lot of awkward on Talkward. During all of that, we published A LOT of humor. Picking is always impossible, so we did things the same way we picked a significant other, a college major, and socks; grab whatever and hope for the best!
I Believe I’ve Mistaken This Coat Check for a Goat Check
You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate.
Honest New York Signs
Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, and illustrated by Evan Lian.
What Your Pubic Hair Looks Like, According to Your Zodiac Sign
Pisces (February 20-March 20) Most Likely To Shave Their Pubes While Cry-Singing To Lana Del Ray In The Shower- Oh, Pisces. You are so much more than Kleenex’s best customers. You are generous and kind, and artsy to boot.
How to Trick Your Hairdresser into Suggesting Bangs So You Don’t Have to
Bring a 3D visual of your ideal cut: Specifically, bring a mop.
Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave
NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!
Welcome to the “Humpkin Patch,” Connecticut’s Only 18 And Over Pumpkin Patch
Risqué photo ops? We got ‘em! We know you dirty fall deviants love to stick your head in all kinds of holes. That’s why we’ve painted a series of erotic scenes for you to insert your face into. Do it for the ‘gram! But be warned: The scenes depicted violate several codes of conduct on all major social networks.
Awkward Interactions Explained by a Guy Who’s Read Famous Author Malcolm Gladwell’s Books Too Much
So it turns out I thought I had hit mute but accidentally did not. My boss says “Gerald are you okay? We can hear you breathing on the line.”. I begin to breathe heavier because famous author Malcolm Gladwell talks about the importance of meditation. I really hope famous author Malcolm Gladwell would be proud of me.
Thanks For Selecting Our Airbnb, P.S. It’s Haunted
Feel free to use both our washer and our dryer, we keep the laundry detergent under the sink. Before inserting your load, take the cowbell off the shelf above the laundry machine and ring it three times. This should scare the poltergeist enough that he vacates the washer. If he’s in the dryer, you’re out of luck – he really likes it there.
10 Lyfehacks Thou Needest Immediately In This Yeare Of Our Lorde, Thirteen Hundred And Forty Seven
3. Keepeth A Garden: Roses, carnations and mint will keep away the infernal smell that bringeth the Death from Rat to Man. Hold their petals in a mask around thine face to hold off the Death from claiming your sinful flesh!
The Eight Most Awesome Things About Binge-A-Derm TV, the Patch That Catches You Up on the Television You’ve Missed (Post Sponsored by Binge-A-Derm TV)
Side effects of Binge-A-Derm TV are common, but severe. They include an inability to communicate using anything other than TV references, contempt for anyone who hasn’t seen the latest episode, and nausea. Cool!
Please Accept my Application to Join Your Post-Apocalypse Survival Crew
One last thing, and I think you’ll appreciate the crux of my proposal here: yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly three years now, and while technically not a certified instructor– what? No, not certified, but does it matter? Surely your medic isn’t an actual doctor, right?
Love & Dating Advice Based On The Number Of Letters In Your First Name
Four Letters: You actually met the love of your life yesterday at 6:43 pm. Or you would have if you didn’t insist on getting pho again for like the ninth day in a row. Instead, that person you gave your number to will be ruining your life for the next eleven years.
We’re Ditching The Gender Reveal. You’re Cordially Invited To Our Conception Reception
What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.
If the National Parks Responded to Real One-Star Reviews
P.S. We told Yellowstone what you said about us and they said you’re no longer welcome there. The next time you pull up to their gate, there’ll be a big sign that reads: “DIANE F. FROM MESA HATES MOUNTAINS AND IS CHEAP.”
How To Be a Perfect Mother (In Seven Easy Steps)
The T-section is a popular new alternative to a C-section that allows mothers to still retain their Perfect Mother status by not having a C-section. It is an emergency procedure that allows the baby to be pulled out of your trachea as opposed to your abdomen.
A Word Of Warning, Everyone Who Swims In The Pool Of This Hampton Inn Drowns
Yes indeed, everyone single person who swims in The Pool drowns. There have been hundreds of deaths. We had to install an incinerator in the basement to keep up with all the bodies. The wifi code is HamptonSmiles45.
Facebook Birthday Messages From Famous Authors
Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.
Some Other Pieces of Americana, Revised By The Trump Administration
God Bless America: Written by Irving Berlin, Revised by President Trump “God, bless America, / Land that I love. / Although Baltimore is a real rat-infested hell.”
David Byrne’s Other Suits
Three small suits tied together. Medium Suit, tiny David Byrne. Russian nesting suit. And more.
The Tao Te Ching Rewritten As Tweets
The unnamable is the eternally real ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How To Tell If A Woman Wants You To Approach Her, Based On Her Lipstick Color
Orange: Woah, what a unique color choice! She absolutely wants you to say something. Be sure to tell her that not many ladies can pull this shade off, but she sure does! Women love being told they’re superior to other women, especially in a hypothetical competition they didn’t asked to be entered in. “Orange” you glad you spoke up?
A Gaslight in the Attic
There’s a gaslight in the attic / Though the White House said one thing / They now deny and say another / And I think I’m going insane!
Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules
This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!
The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition
ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front? Are you not intimately familiar with the appalling physics of your own body? You look like you’re wearing two newborns in a sling you haven’t worked out how to use.
Summer Camps for the Modern Child
Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!
GoFundMe Story Written By An Influencer Who Totally Hates To Accept ANYTHING From ANYONE
I need to be in SoHo to be surrounded by my fellow influencers and high-ranking members of society. As you know, I hate networking (see my YouTube video “Daily Struggles Of A Hot, Social Introvert”) but it has to be done.
Yes, My Internet is Also Down
I feel so alone right now. The rest of you are just going ahead and working like there’s no problem, like one of your coworkers isn’t totally without internet. You really find out who your friends are when your internet’s down. I feel like a wounded buffalo that the herd is moving away from so I don’t weaken the group.
Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.
Pour Out Your Pour Over: Craft Cocaine is the New Home Brew, You F*cking Narc
It’s just what the doctor ordered: craft cocaine is all physiological benefits, no calories. Coffee has 1 calorie if you drink it black, but everyone knows you don’t drink it black, you fat f’ing narc.
Are you a Marx Brother or Mark’s Brother?
Marx Brother: Your family is known for its vaudeville comedy acts. Mark’s Brother: Your family is known for not taking down their Christmas lights.
Inadvertent Straight Pride Parades
A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!
Plot Lines for the Next 8 ‘Toy Story’ Movies
Toy Story 6 (2025) Bonnie, now in her early twenties, introduces a new kind of toy to her closet. In a drama reminiscent of the 1995 original, our characters must compete with a new “Woody” and “Buzz” for Bonnie’s affection.
All-Girls Catholic High School Sex-Ed Q&A With Sister Patricia
Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.
What Your Father’s Day Gift Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad
GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”
A Happy-Hour Cocktail Menu Sponsored by Your Company Benefit Cuts
Maternity Leave?? Sure……ley Temple: Most of our staff doesn’t need to order this drink, due to strategic hiring choices, but if you’re thinking you might one day want to enjoy this delightful combination of lemon-lime soda, grenadine and a mouthful of maraschino cherries, let us know.
SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!
The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.
The Social Media Intern’s Deleted Tweet Drafts
Hey Google: Is it legal to sell my company’s couch and keep the money? Damnit, Google, no! Don’t tweet that!
6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room
The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!
Finally, That Paper on the Rain Scene from ‘Castaway’
But fair is fair, the iconic scene had major problems that got a blind free pass when this Oscar-nominated movie was released. Closer examination reveals many examples of being tone deaf to men. Number one, the car. Who just hands the keys of a car over to someone without hours of back-and-forth over paperwork?
Brandy, of the song “Brandy,” Issues a Point-by-Point Rebuttal
I write to address a number of striking similarities between the details described in your lyrics and elements of our brief affair at Asbury Park last summer.
Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV… No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry
See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.
A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project
Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.
Life Hacks For Hacks
Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.
Children’s Books in the Age of Trump
The Shithole Country Mouse and the City Mouse, The Princess and the Pee Tape, Gulliver’s Travel Ban and more.
Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma
A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.
HBO’s List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms
The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.
Important Business Lessons I Learned While Working As A Door-To-Door Pickle Salesman
I figured a free taste of my pickles would encourage sales, so I always had samples at the ready. But I should have had those pickle chunks in little plastic cups on a tray, instead of what I did, which was store them in my pants pockets.
Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room
So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.
I Hope It’s Okay That I Brought My Therapy Dolphin To Your Party
I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he’s, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn’t be alive, you know?
The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)
‘Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people’ – George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. ‘Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption’. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.
Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers
Wes Anderson- Jon Snow feels he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Stark family. He and Theon start their own local theatre company, using Theon’s status as a eunuch to their costuming advantage. We find out that the Night King is played by Bill Murray. The soundtrack is eclectic and enchanting.
Okay, Fine, I’ll Solve Climate Change
I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling:
Retweeting your own tweets, Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row
Wearing the same sweatpants forever, Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages
Lost Episodes of Frasier
S. 12 Ep. 004: “Night Maris” Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier’s building.
Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone’s Mom
Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!
Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding
You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.
How to Make Baseball More Exciting
Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.
Me Have Problem with Girl Scout Cookie Season
Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance.
Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?
The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.
Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly
Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.
Casting Call for Netflix’s New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?
Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.
An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020’s Possible Best Picture Nominees
I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he’s undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it’s first best picture win.
A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners
To be quite honest, we are alarmed at the errors and misconceptions so wantonly presented in your lyrics. We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.
Your Guide to the Super Bowl
A cool piece of trivia to know is that in the olden days, football used to be played with a blown up pig bladder, until one day, someone was like, “Hey guys, why don’t we try using one of these footballs we have lying around instead?”
Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick
The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville’s Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables.
New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse
Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.
It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone
As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.
