Posts

CARTOON: Soon

Stand by to re-inflate. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Taco Bell Has Wine Now! Here Are Other Luxury Items We’re Rolling Out This Year

Our indulgent handbags are all limited edition items, so limited, in fact, that they must be thrown away after three days of use. Nothing says fashion like an expiration date. Vogue called this specially crafted handbag: “A taco.”

#StressedCelebs

Betty White Knuckles, Harried Styles, ProZac Efron, and more #StressedCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

Goosebumps Books Updated for Current Times

Please Don't Feed the Vampire! A plucky White House intern investigates the mysterious disappearance of some of Stephen Miller's staff.

Welcome to Deplorables: Portland’s First Alt-Right Craft Brewery

Deep State Dunkel: Enjoy the smooth malty flavor of this beer while you swap your favorite Obama conspiracy theories over a game of cornhole. Did he kill JFK? Probably!

CARTOON: 'Minimum-Effort Precaution' Mask

It's the LEAST you can do- and we do mean the least. Cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

9 Spooky Halloween Costume Ideas During the Pandemic

Eager Zoomer with suit, tie and no pants, Mummified toilet paper hoarder, 6-foot space invader, and more!

EXCLUSIVE! "The Shout Out" Quarantine Comedy Short Filmed Entirely on Phones in Lockdown Premieres!

A Reality Star joins Cameo during quarantine and has a meltdown while recording a birthday message for a fan.

7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

The Defunct Corporations Support Club Welcomes Quibi

Agenda: Welcome Quibi to the group! We really are impressed that you became a member in record time. You beat the record that MoviePass set in 2018!

CARTOON: Mutt

Gonna ruin your dinner! Today's cartoon by Asher Perlman.

My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

#SpookySeasonings

Scream of Tartar, Oreganoooo, Boosil, Goryander, and more #SpookySeasons on this week's trending joke game!

Talkward w/ guest Emily Flake

Today on Talkward is cartoonist, comedy writer, and performer Emily Flake! Emily draws wonderful cartoons for The New Yorker, The New York Times and has many books and comics strips. Her latest project is over at kickstarter and needs your support! St. Nell's Humor Writing Residency for Ladies! Go check it out right now!

The Son From ‘Cats in The Cradle’ Would Like To Correct The Narrative

“My child arrived just the other day/He came to the world in the usual way” ~ Actually, my birth story’s quite harrowing. Dad, like most mid-twentieth century men, wasn’t even in the room. Mom was in labor for fifteen brutal hours. Far from “usual,” I’d say. 

Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

#HorrorVeggies

Lima Screams, The Texas Coleslaw Massacre, Kales from the Crypt, and more #HorrorVeggies on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Jumped The Shark

"Damn, Season 45 was Crazy!" "Yeah, but the whole Virus plotline was over the top."

NEWS BRIEFS: Technology

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Classic Urban Legends Updated for 2020

The Stolen Kidney updated for 2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.

Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

Human-watching

The Northern Card, aka the Mockingturd, spends its days pecking out puns, forced metaphors, and other desperate attempts to make light of the End Times. Call (repeated hourly): “Pleeeeez go viral.”

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

NEWS BRIEFS: Infected

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

New Shows for the Fall Season

Everyone Loves Working From Home, Juicing With the Stars, and more!

#CelebABook

Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Cho, LeBron James and the Giant Peach, The Ceelo Green Mile, and more #CelebABook on this week's trending joke game!

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

I Voted Stickers For Everyday Activities

Voting is cool, but there's all sorts of other things to brag about!

CARTOON: First Of All...

Pretty sure it was like this before. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein. Check out Bob's new book, The Elements of Stress!

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

How’s It Going? A F.A.Q.

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

COVID-19's Kitschy Bumper Sticker Phase

Honk if you have Antibodies! And more!

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw

This episode of Talkward welcomes the non-stop comedy cartoon duo Bob Eckstein and Michael Shaw! The both are long-time famous cartoonists and writers who have been featured in The New Yorker, New York Times, among many others. They have a new book out, THE ELEMENTS OF STRESS and the Pursuit of Happy-ish in this Current Sh*tstorm! It aims to help de-stress our currently very stressful world. It's very funny, and guaranteed to relax you, even if you have to roll it up and smoke it.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

I’m Your Fitness Tracker, and I’m Worried About You 

I also feel like our relationship has suffered. When you originally customized my settings, you asked me to provide hourly “Get Up and Move!” alerts during your waking hours. But lately, you’ve been deleting these prompts by jabbing roughly at my screen. Remember, only a light tap of your finger is necessary!

Tips for Fleeing a Zombie Apocalypse or Leaving the House with a Toddler

For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers.

CARTOON: Demographics

Check these figures and get back to me. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

It’s Me, Venus, And After Putting Me in the Uninhabitable Zone, You Finally See I Had Life All Along

So here I am. No rings. No moons. I’m just a planet, standing in front of another planet on the brink of disaster, asking its scientists to believe there’s life in me. Earth might spin in my opposite direction, but to me, you are perfect. Choose me. Inhabit me. Let me make you happy.

CARTOON: Sign Here

I'm writing on your crack, does it tickle? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

I’m That Little Ghost Girl from "The Ring", and the Death of VHS Has Destroyed My Small Business

Still, as DVDs, VOD, and eventually streaming crushed VHS into a rectangle relic of the past, the final nail in my coffin came with the ubiquity of the smartphone.

11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen's socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!

#StinkySoapOperas

Rots Landing, Falcon Crust, The Mold and the Beautiful, and more #StinkySoapOperas on this week's trending joke game!

Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

CARTOON: Targeted Advertising

Row, Row, Scroll, Scroll. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

CARTOON: Just Deserts

Suddenly prime real estate. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Ways Jane Austen Heroines Deal With the Men They Love or Ways I Deal With People Who Won't Wear Masks During a Pandemic 

Go on lots of walks alone in the woods. Swear immovable hatred for them to no one in particular. Keep a detailed, running tally of their offenses in a diary. And more.

More Accurate Names for a Virtual Meeting

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

How To Enjoy The Sun Safely During The Pandemic

Including 'don't shake hands with the sun' and 'Stay at least 2 metres from the sun' And more!

Clickbait For The Trendy Victorian Woman

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

What Do You Mean I Didn’t Go On A Quick Ice Cream Run, But Have Actually Been Missing For Five Days?

Why have the police set up a command center on top of my Spiderman air hockey table?  No, I did not know a gravelly voice identifying himself only as The Sandman was calling every thirteen minutes. And I had no idea he was threatening my life if you didn’t acquiesce to his demand for a sculpture in his likeness made of gypsum sand and the blood of virgin stallions. Marianne, it was probably just some kid yanking your crank.      

Angel & Devil On My Shoulders Can Agree On One Thing: The Dandruff On My Shoulders Is Gross

DEVIL: While you’re taking my advice, I think it might be a good idea if you start keeping up a little more with your … [Devil waves his pitchfork around my head.] DEVIL: … situation. ME: My what? My dander? What does that have to do with the issue at hand? DEVIL: Forget I said anything.

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

NEWS BRIEFS: Space

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

An Oral History Of The Time Dylan Miller Ate Nine Deli Sandwiches

Rebecca Johnson (Dylan’s then Girlfriend): Dylan always seemed more interested in sandwiches than me. Dylan Miller: I was definitely more interested in sandwiches than Rebecca. We were not a good match. 

#RaunchyRockBands

Panic! At The Dildo, Spinal WAP, Death Cab for Booty, and more #RaunchyRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Sleepy South

Might need something stronger then coffee. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows

We Actually Hate Having Guests! And more.

CARTOON: RNC Speakers

Really stacking that talent roster. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

I, Henry VIII Am Signing a Posthumous Pardon for My Wives Who I Had Executed for Unsubstantiated Reasons

A woman should always be held to an unimaginably higher standard than a man. How else will we know they’re worthy of bearing our children or looking after property that they can never legally own?

Actual Phases of Being Stuck Inside of a Global Pandemic

'The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.' 'The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.' And more!

CARTOON: USPS Streamlined Sorting

It's all about efficiency. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Excerpt From 'Passable in Pink' The Novelization

The opening chords for the classic Beatles version of “Twist and Shout” could not be heard but Grimer began to sing along anyway, swaying and sashaying, all cute and delightful, motioning to the hundreds of businessmen glancing out their high rise office windows, including a certain advertising copywriter who did a doubletake when he saw a girl who looked exactly like his daughter, which was all but impossible, as she was still in school, she never skipped!

CARTOON: De-evolution

De-evolution. Today's cartoon by Paul Cannata.

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

Other Channels Answer to Shark Week

Tough to compete with Shark Week, but channels have to try! Illustrated list by Bob Eckstein.

We Sharks are Officially Opting Out of Shark Week 2020

The Great White, Bull, and Hammerhead Sharks were among the first to opt out of this year’s Shark Week. The Megaladon has insisted that they’re still comfortable in their 3.6 million year retirement and will not return to help out The Discovery Channel and we support their decision. Minor League Shark Week, which consists solely of Whale Shark programming, has been outright cancelled.

Historical Figures Who Deserve to Be on Mt. Rushmore More Than Donald Trump

My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache. Any puppy ever. And more!

The Calm App Presents: Shark Week

Why Shark Week? We’ve long admired these powerful predators, which, through centuries of optimization and mindfulness, have evolved into single-minded masses of sinew and cartilage with one goal: to destroy. In this way, sharks exemplify the Calm manifesto. Also, as the alpha predator of the sea with near-nothing to worry about, what’s calmer than a shark?

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity. 

Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick

Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)

#MeanIceCream

Pissedtachio, Moose Traps, Butterface Pecan, and more #MeanIceCream in this week's trending joke game!

Evergreen Satire Headline Generator

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

CARTOON: Rent Vent

Look out for the eviction fairy. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Quarantine Reflections on Some Common Sayings

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally judge a person who wears their face mask on their chin.

Two Tour de France Announcers Narrate My Morning Jog 

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

CARTOON: Zoom Batter!

Hope they are charged up for the game! Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Tan Lines

Watch the straps! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

A Note on the “No Passionate Open Mouthed Kissing” Rule for the 2020 Baseball Season

P.S. Goes without saying, but we’ve also cancelled the Seventh Inning French.

How to Simulate Your Ten Year Reunion at Home

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

NEWS BRIEFS: Guy on Porch Sees You, Knows What You’re Up To.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

I'm Sorry, but I Can't Hold Your Horses Anymore

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattended in a parking lot after 5 pm. That’s just plain rude.  I was totally pissed. How dare this stranger call me ma’am? I was 27. 

Submerged TV Series Brought About By Global Warming

The Walrusing  Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!

Beloved Children’s Classics That Will Trigger Your Crippling Anxiety

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia. 

CARTOON: Zoom Wave

Let's do the digital WAVE, got any cyberdogs!? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

#VileVideoGames

Personal Space Invaders, Fartnite, Chronic the Hedgehog, and more #VileVideoGames on this week's trending joke game!

Daily Affirmations For Better Zoom Meetings

Keep calm and pray for good Wi-Fi. Check out this great comic by Tiny Beast Comics!

NEWS BRIEFS: 100% of All Home-Schooled Teens "Very Likely" to Masturbate During Lunch.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: The Covid Kid

Super spreading everywhere except one place. Today's cartoon by Dan McConnell and Joe Bissonnett.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

Help! I’ve Started Crafting And I Can’t Stop

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere. 

#SuckyStreamingShows

The Man In The White Castle, Game of Scones, Dr. Whom, Comedians in Jars Getting Toffee, and more #SuckyStreamingShows on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Whale Tale

What have you got to lose? Besides your leg, everyone on the ship, the ship itself and...Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

I Am Nathan’s Hot Dog #75 and I Pray That Joey Chestnut’s Stomach Is Slowing Down

The spotlight might give my love life a boost. After all, there is no better way to let all the single snacks out there know that I am available than not getting eaten on ESPN. Have I mentioned that I always use a condiment?

What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

The Commissioner's Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

The Five Most Popular 19th Century ASMR Recordings

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Days of the Week Underwear Quarantine Edition

Very helpful way to keep on track, and be as focused and efficient as possible!

Horoscopes For the Quarantined

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

CARTOON: Feeling Week

Just got to make it through another week. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

CARTOON: The Little Dutchboy 2020

The tiny fingers won't work. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Independent Book Store or A Friend’s Goofy Band Name

 Moby Dickens, Ted From Accounting, The Banana Split Infinitives, and more Bookstore OR Band.

The Dip Is Gone, and Therefore I Must Depart

I didn’t come to mess around. I didn’t come to mingle with two dozen amateurs who can’t handle their dip. Everyone kept asking each other what they do for a living. What do I do for a living? I eat dip. Why else on God’s green earth would I be here? I don’t care that you’re an accountant.

Star Wars if All The Bad Guys Refused to Wear Their Masks

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

CARTOON: Release

Good to finally get out. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Ed Steckley.

Affirmations Written By Your Dad

You create value in other people’s lives and debt in mine. You are the architect of your own life, but not a real architect like your brother. Did he tell you about his promotion? And more.

90s Movie Plot Points Adjusted for 2020

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.

If Shakespeare Characters Had Podcasts

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by ChristianMingle.com.

Good Jobs For Bad Cops

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

CARTOON: Mirror Mirror

Overkill. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Signs That the Person You’re Dating Is Secretly an Identical Twin

Before you Google whether or not that last sentence is true, please skim the below exhaustive list of red flags that the person you’ve been coupled with is actually a couple in and of themselves —i.e. a duo of secret twins masquerading as one. You never know until it’s too late!

CARTOON: Peaced Out

This ain't no dove glove. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Trump's Other Photo-Op's You Might Have Missed

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed...

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

I Was Unaware Edible Underwear Is Meant To Be A Sex Thing

This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?

CARTOON: Jarring

I swear we need a bigger jar. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

Amelia Bedelia Single-Handedly Creates Coronavirus Hot Spot by Hilariously Misunderstanding Safety Instructions

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

Six Landmark Agreements of the Miller Family

The Streaming Accord: Tara is entitled to a total of six hours of Netflix per week. She will be allowed additional Netflix consumption in the following unique circumstances: she’s in a bad mood, it’s raining, Mom and Dad are tired, she’s sick, somebody else is sick, she’s crying, people are over.

#StinkyBooks

The Fart Of The Deal, The Smell Jar, A Tree Grows in Jersey, and more #StinkyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Gen-X Songs Adjusted For Middle Age In Times Of Covid

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

Your Brain Recommends Dreams Based On Your Watch History

Our data suggest that you enjoyed watching the cast of Queer Eye makeover dogs, so how about this 7-hour movie where all of your friends hate you for no reason?

CARTOON: Ratings Gold

Did you see? Number 1 on all the networks. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Zoom Shakespeare

A Midsummer Night’s Dream: Titania: My Oberon! What visions I have seen! Methought I was enamour’d of an ass. / Oberon: My queen, the wood has a bad connection. You are frozen again.

New Pandemic Businesses

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you'd thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we'll take those rascals off of your hands!

Things A Dad Should Not Say To His Class Of 2020 Daughter On Prom Night

The big positive is that in 25 years nobody will be able to point to your prom photos and say, "Can you believe you ever wore your hair like that?"

I am the Bucket of Pig’s Blood Perched Atop the Rafters in This Empty High School Gymnasium

Anything could have happened on prom day – just like in the movies - that first kiss, getting finger banged in the limo, being voted to prom court, and the possibility of a deadly inferno promulgated by the telekinetic outcast who just got a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her!

Masterclasses Coming To A YouTube Ad Near You

I Am Not Throwing Away My Slot: Vigilance, Grit and Determination in the Face of All Odds of Snagging an Instacart Delivery Time, with Lin Manuel Miranda

CARTOON: Taking Stock

Missing the spotlight? Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

#FuriousFruits

Honeydon’t, Sour Grapes, Mango to hell, and more #FuriousFruits on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Summer 2020 Poolside Styles

Don't forget to floss! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Newly Discovered Side Effects of Hydroxychloroquine

Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.

The Spring 2020 Vera Wang Wedding Dress Collection

The Fauci – Strapless soft sweetheart full A-line gown with draped wrap DuPont Tyvek 400 haz-mat bodice and swirling frothy draped skirt made from high-density polyethylene with guaranteed protection from particles and virus < 1 micron in size.  Accentuated with organza sprig appliques with hand-tacked voluminous framed horsehair overskirt.  Available in ivory or white.  Or reflective yellow latex.