Posts

I’m Sorry I Yelled at You About Your Guns, Uncle Jack

I’m also sorry I mocked you for your food hoards – I’m sorry, I’m sorry, supply stores. I bet *you’re* not out of toilet paper, right? Ha, ha. I know I made fun of the fact that you’d cached so many Slim Jims, but a lot of what you had down there was of solid nutritional value. 

CARTOON: Sanitized

And repeat, and repeat, and repeat...Today's cartoon by Andy Cowan and Dan McConnell.

#NaughtyBoardGames

'Blouse Trap', 'Go Fist', 'Sorry, Wrong Hole'. Oh my, things got adult and we trended with #NaughtyBoardGames on this week's joke game!

CARTOON: Coughference Call

"First, let me thank you all for continuing to work so diligently from home during these very uncertain times and -- oof-- whoever that was, I don't like the sound of that cough."

CARTOON: Don't Stand So Close To Me

Don't corn my beef. Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

CARTOON: Luckless

Also all pots of gold will now be filled with toilet paper. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

Little Red Riding Hood

It took Little Red Riding Hood all of five seconds to get over her grandmother’s death. And, unknown to the Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood had the super-human strength of ten giant hamsters and quickly subdued him.

Notes for My Cat Sitter

If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on 'Vanderpump Rules'. It reminds her that she hates society.

Witnesses Describe A Dueling Piano Bar Performance That Ended In Bloodshed

Agnes, 72 -- “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.

#BreakfastATVshow

Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns of Anarchy, and more #BreakfastATVshow on this week's joke game!

An Ignorant Satirist Answers Your Questions About Coronavirus

Q: How can I protect myself? A: Sorry, you can’t. The universe is a totally random place.  How else can we possibly understand the popularity of 'Dancing With The Stars'?

CARTOON: Hard Thoughts

Amazingly sculpted cold sweat detail! Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

One Last Candidate to Add to the Ring

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

Unhelpful Clues Given to Me by Mindy Cohn During an October 1987 Taping of The $25,000 Pyramid Where the Category to Be Guessed Was “Things You Do on a Boat”

Scott Baio, Heave, Make certain Gary Coleman is sedated, and more!

CARTOON: Home Office

Lead by example, Будем здоровы! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Sound Sleeper

Getting rammed into REM. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Truly Terrible Ways To Prevent The Spread Of Coronavirus

Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.

If You Had COVID-19 and the Presidential Candidates Were Your Doctors

Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.  *Resident behind him* He doesn't even work here.

Sample Scripts for the Elizabeth Warren Drunken Recrimination Phone Bank

You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?

CARTOON: New Coronavirus Mascot

Oh, you're traveling? Wow, your trip must be pretty important...Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Other Reality Dating Shows Willfully Misinterpreting Famous Love Quotes

* “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet * Now streaming on Netflix: A Rose As Sweet! One bachelor will date twenty women named Rose. The twist: he can’t see them or talk to them. He must decide which Rose to marry -- only by smelling them.

Anti-Vaxxer Logic Applied to Your Middle School Years

Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.

Who Really Solves a Majority of Murders?

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

CARTOON: Keto Question

Some avocardio might help. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! As a Single Woman on Group Trips

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

CARTOON: Coronaryvirus

Don't panic. Trump has protections in place.

Stuff I Carry in the Gaps Between My Boobs and My Ill-Fitting Bras

What do you keep in your bra gaps? Written by Claire Tadokoro, and illustrated by Sarah Kempa.

#DemocratDesserts

Cherry Pieden, Butter Emails, Bundtigieg Cake, and more #DemocratDesserts on this week's joke game!

CARTOON: Lenting Venting

Lent Loopholes! Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

Classic Dog Films, Starring Cats

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

We’re Updating Our Privacy Policy to Allow Us to Watch You in the Shower

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

Anatomy of a Sketch: Derrick Comedy’s “Thomas Jefferson”

In the mid-2000s, when college sketch group videos were suddenly all over the place, Derrick Comedy easily made the best ones. Derrick was a five-person operation originally out of New York University best known for their 2009 cult classic feature Mystery Team, but they also made “Thomas Jefferson,” which is, fun fact, the greatest comedy sketch of all time. Really. 

Jimmy Buffet Song or How I’m Explaining the Divorce to My Kids from Inside the New Akron Margaritaville

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…

CARTOON: Debatable

The job interview process is a pain. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Queen's New Titles for Harry and Meghan

Lord and Lady Quittersley, Mr. and Mrs. Filthy-Commoner, and more.

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense. 

Bachelor #244: There’s Trouble at the Mansion

It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!

Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine's Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I'm sure that you know this one... yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs.... my heart!

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

CARTOON: The Winner

The results are finally in. Today's cartoon by Kim Warp.

CARTOON: Cupid's Prep Table

Love and romance prepper. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Love Bug

Love at first fright. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Noncommittal Candy Hearts

The excitement of meeting someone new...I guess...whatever who cares. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

CARTOON: Stone Cold

Roger Stone's Prison Tattoo. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

#StonerDatingApps

Dongs and Bongs, Weed harmony, Stumble, and more #StonerDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

How Cheers Characters Would Be Voting in 2020

Sam Malone (bartender/owner): Elizabeth Warren, Robin Colcord (industrialist/Grey Poupon enthusiast): Tom Steyer, Lilith Sternin (psychiatrist/professional dom): Amy Klobuchar, and more!

Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be an Abiogenetic Hybrid of Laura Ingalls Wilder and A Can of Pringles 

She’s often tardy because her sister Carrie has fallen into an abandoned mine shaft.  She also has her own mascot, an oval-faced man with a big bushy mustache and a red bow tie she refers to as Julius. 

John Lennon’s Tweets Regarding Last Night’s Fallon Appearance

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

Good Evening: I Am Thrilled To Be Performing Long Form Improvisational Comedy For This Audience Of Captivated Decision Makers

Good Evening. Thank you for coming out tonight, and welcome to my one man show and my catastrophe of a Harold Team audition all wrapped in one catastrophic meltdown designed for you and you only, the bored entertainment industry decision makers.

#StinkySitcoms

'Saved by the Smell', 'Funky Brewster', 'Welcome Back, Farter' and more #StinkySitcoms on this week's joke game!

CARTOON: Catbird Seat

Purrrfect. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

CARTOON: Measured Excitement

Let's get deep. Today's cartoon by Phil Witte.

Who Do We Have to Kidnap to Convince You to Reactivate Your Pinterest Account?

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

CARTOON: Blooming Prospects

Both crave attention. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Groundhog Day

It's just a hotdog. Relax. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

CARTOON: Festive Feeling

It's the little things. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Talkward w/ guests Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn and Robert Leighton

This very special episode of Talkward welcomes cartoonists Bob Eckstein, Steve McGinn, and Robert Leighton! Full house! They stopped by the studio after going by The New Yorker to submit some cartoons. We discuss the joke writing process, appearances on old game shows, and we dissect the reasons why some of Steve's cartoons got rejected very, very quickly. We also chat about Bob Eckstein's new book, "Everyone's A Critic- The Ultimate Cartoon Book" which is on sale now and you should go buy it right now!

Talkward w/ guests Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writers and authors Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton! The humor writing duo has been published in McSweeney's, Points In Case, Crack The Spine and Weekly Humorist. They discuss their writing process, the power of Google Docs, and the state of the world. Their debut novel "From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts" a satirical road trip comedy taking place during the events of the 2016 election is on sale now from imprint Humorist Books.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

Inadvertent Straight Pride Parades

A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!

Don’t Mind Me As I Hover Over Your Table, Waiting For You To Get Up

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.

Talkward w/ guest Irving Ruan

This episode of Talkward welcomes San Francisco based humor writer, actor, comedian, playwright, and engineer Irving Ruan. Irving writes regularly for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, Weekly Humorist as well SlackJaw, where he is also an editor!

CARTOON: Air Force * 1

One small change. Huge difference. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Talkward w/ guest Bob Eckstein

Today on Talkward is our first repeat guest, New York Times bestselling author, award winning cartoonist and snowman expert Bob Eckstein! Bob's new book The Illustrated History of the Snowman is out now! We discuss Steampunk's rise in the 1980s, the ongoing holiday decorations feud with his neighbor and making squirrels dance for his pleasure. Oh, and we happen upon the topic of snowman pornography!

If The Rules of Fight Club Were Repurposed for Book Club

The first rule of Book Club is: you do not talk about Book Club. The…

Talkward w/ guest Andy Newton

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and occasional poet Andy…

Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal

“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…

Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?

Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings In the ‘80s there was nothing…