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Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”
The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans…
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News from the Even-Handed Gazette
(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored…
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A Few Things That You Need To Know About Net Neutrality
Under Net Neutrality, all women on YouPorn now look sort of like…
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Exiting Brexit: 10 Ways For The UK To Offset Losses After Final Leaving E.U Negotiations
A Reverse Mortgage for Buckingham Palace
Nothing will put a…
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FOX Executives Discusses The Four
Fox Executive 1: Now this is exciting! A chance to remind people…
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Tea Flavor Descriptions That Are Trying To Tell You Something
Classic Green Tea
We pick the finest leaves from the highest…
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Classic Rock for Domesticated Dads
(Don't Fear) The Swiffer
You Shook Me…
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Why Trump wants to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem
Frees up prime real estate in Tel Aviv for developing Trump Kasino…
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Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns
No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring…
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The Trump-Lincoln Ford’s Theater Luxury Casino
“They call you Lady Luck,
But there is room for doubt,
At…
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5 Takeaways from The Christmas Classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All…
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NOTICE: Curriculum Update to Reflect Current Industry Standards: Department of Journalism & Creative Media, University of Alabama
To the Class of 2021,
Welcome to the Department…
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New Turkey Stuffings To Keep Thanksgiving Interesting
A slightly larger turkey
Creamed corn
Avocado…
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Stop Saying "Turkey Day" and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames
The Great Cranberry Cotillion
Carb Christmas
Yelling…
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Wait... Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD
1: Wait... Look, squirrel!
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:…
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Recent Justice League Sexual Harassment Allegations
Super-powered individuals are placed on a pedestal in our society,…
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Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things
Star Wars Character
Hands Solo
TV Show
Masturbating…
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11 Celebrity Dogs from TV & Film and How They Utilized Their Fame
• Benji (Benji, 1974): Worked as a canvasser for the Reagan…
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Still Spacey After All These Years
With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey…
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Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!
That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…
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Implications of Twitter Giving Everyone 280 Characters
Forces Trump to wake up twice as early to maintain current tweetstorm…
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Trump's Super Grand Asian Trip Itinerary
Nov 5: Spend half an hour explaining to the Asian press that…
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Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations
METROPOLIS -- Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide…
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Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!
This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…
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What Abbreviated Band Names are Actually Short For
10cc. Member Lol Creme would always ask band mate Kevin Godley…
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The Very Basic Facts Contained In The FBI's Released JFK Assassination Documents
The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination…
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PIC QUIP: Trump's Art Collection
Chicago art museum says Renoir in Trump's NYC apartment is fake.…
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Bistro Bistro Is Fully Booked
The first thing to know about Bistro Bistro is that no one answers…
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Halloween Horror Flicks For People Who Don't Like Being Scared
I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone
VeryNormal Activity
The…
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Terrifying Halloween Costumes Based On Our New Normal
Fine Person
Comes with shaved-head skull cap…
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I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work
I try to make healthy choices, so I bought an exercise ball to…
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After 35 Years of Marriage, Dad Comes Out as Alien
STOWE, Ohio -- Following 35 years of marriage, and after seeing…
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President Trump Makes Calls To Other Tragedy Victims Throughout History
"So, yeah... sad, very sad. It's a shame that he wasn't working…
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Deleted Scenes From The Upcoming Spider-Man : Homecoming Blu Ray
Web-shooters go off accidentally while riding on the subway,…
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Trump Speech-O-Matic
Many people wonder why the things President Trump says seem so…
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Rejected New Names for the Weinstein Company
Bad Touch Productions
Hurricane Harvey Inc.
Just…
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Trump IQ Test
President Donald Trump has challenged Secretary of State Rex…
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Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier
Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed…
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A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other
1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me.
2: No, I saw…
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Ways That Trump Could Be Even More Horribly Offensive To Puerto Rico
Visit the island and do a rain dance.
Ensure that paper…
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How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse
The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed…
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16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle
Proof that if you add 'Am I right, Sonny Boy?' to a Donald Trump…
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Anthony Weiner's First Day Of Prison Mistakes
Asking to see the "toilet wine list".
Handing out…
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O.J. Simpson To Do List
O.J. Simpson was released from prison Sunday and brought with…
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Fear and Loathing in the White House Movie Theater
“I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may…
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Pretty Basic Swingers' Club Etiquette
A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in…
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List for the White House Handyman
We were able to obtain a copy of the list of requests and fixes…
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All the New Cable Channels
"Comedy" Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim…
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Too Many Talking Vehicles
Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s…
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Sean Spicer: Hollywood Wunderkind
“You can do this. We’ve all taken jobs we aren’t proud…
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You May Have Been Affected By Our Recent Dog-Walking Breach. What to Do Next.
Dear Ellen,
As I’m sure you’re aware, the Park Slope community…
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Quiz: Canadian Football League Team or Condom Brand
1. Stampeders
2 Blue Bombers
3. Trojans
4. Tiger Cats
5.…
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Fall TV Preview
Buttock Moisteners, PI- Adventures of NYC detectives who moisten…
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Things Everybody is Tired of Hearing a Skeleton Say
"I am made of bones."
"I…
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Nihilistic Airport Announcements
Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…
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Back Cover Blurbs for Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir, “What Happened”
“Let Fake News Media like AmazonWashingtonPost and FailingNewYorkTimes…
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John Tyler's White House Letter To James Knox Polk
Since the election, Americans have been asking what it means…
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The InfoWars Hurricane Survival Guide
When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head,…
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5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence's Urn
Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it.
Despite countless,…
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White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night
Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear
The…
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Steve Bannon’s Netflix Queue -or- How Steven Bannon Will Spend the Next Few Weeks While Nursing a Wounded But Bloated Ego, Fomenting Hatred in his Heart, and Drinking Gallons of Cheap Gin from a Discarded Aunt Jemima Bottle and a Sterilized Nipple
Birth of a Nation
(the 1916 version, not leftist 2016 film…
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A Drug Infested Den' And Other Trump Inspired New New Hampshire State Mottos
President Trump called New Hampshire 'A Drug Infested Den.' Look…
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Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts
Dear Mr. Brody ,
WELCOME! We are delighted…
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Dear News-Detox Journal
Day 1. Here I am at the Bob Ross Artist…
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So You've Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane
So you've wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane.
Good…
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White House Answering Machine
As you might imagine, the White House has been receiving thousands…
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Donald Trump's Take On Classic Fairy Tales
Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody…
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Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players
Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…
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Our Desperate Writing Submission for Breitbart
Hello! We are writers who have not had success being hired by…
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Trump Fantasy Football League
Current and former members of President Trump's inner circle…
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New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers
Acting
They certainly have the practice of pretending to be…
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There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin
I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…
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How To Tell If You Watched The Eclipse Wrong
Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming.
Your…
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10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse
1) Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious…
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Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish
As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…
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Half A Dozen Other Nice Things That President Trump Has To Say About Hate-Mongering White Supremacists
"Wonderful... beautiful, even... penmanship on some of those…
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ALT-Right Film Festival
Tiki Torch Song Trilogies
The Kids Are Alt Right
Do…
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Employment Opportunities For The Recently Exposed Racist
Many of these marching white supremacist idiots have been exposed…
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The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal
Day 1
"Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…
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HGTV Presents: Trump's White House Flippers
Trump speaks from behind his desk in the Oval Office:
"Listen,…
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Scaramucci's Ten Day's Worth Of Accomplishments
Booked a spot on Celebrity Big Brother
Straightened the…
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Other Cringe-Worthy Lines From Trump's Speech To The Boy Scouts
What is it you boys do? You tie knots and so on, and get…
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Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word
Nanatuk
Venkatachalam
Nandipati
Appoggiatura
Feldenkrai
Buddiga
Tidmarsh
Succedaneum
Demarche
Sujoe
National…
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Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season
After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center,…
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Tripping Balls with the Founding Fathers
AUTHOR’S NOTE:
Many observers of President Donald J. Trump…
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Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way
Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans.
My name is Greg Gianforte.…
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5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews
Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes…
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French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy
After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…
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Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College
Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…
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Welcome To The Team! Now, Let's Find You A Good Place To Cry, Shall We?
From: SusiePLovesTV@aol.com
To: Lindsey.Field@FizzNetwork.com
Subject:…
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The TV Beat- What To DVR Tonight!
Sandra's Café
Hilarious antics ensue when Sandra and the…
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11 Special Counsels Trump Preferred Over Robert Mueller for Trump/Russia Investigation
Jared Kushner
Scooby Doo
Jared Kushner
Matlock
Jared…
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5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over
For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…
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Contents of Comey’s Other Memos
A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…
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Other Super Secret Info Leaked To Russia By Trump
The White House Wifi password is password.
The place underneath…
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Rejected Prom Themes
Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation
Dance…
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History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes
Shakespeare
The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…
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A Comprehensive Advisory System Based On Sean Spicer’s Standing Patterns As Devised By Homeland Security
Feet straight ahead, eyes forward, hands not on podium:
A…
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We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day
Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…
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LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street
Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…
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"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas
Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who.
Social…
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James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised
Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…
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I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit
I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…
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Rejection Letter from Grams' Jams to Ad Agency For Misunderstanding 'Esoteric' for 'Erotic'
Bryan Champlin
CEO, Faust & Furious Ad Agency
1158…
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Cutting Edge Gardening Tips
Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava…
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14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet
To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop…
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Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now
Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism! This makes…
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Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept
Slimy skin
Tightass
Sunburn from an “All Lives…
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If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’
“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.”
“I…
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STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO
SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…
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Whoops! Trump Was Caught Trying To Make Sense Of The Bill Of Rights
“…either elect more Republican Senators in 2018 or change…
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Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall
The Moat
We’re going to build a great moat, a great moat,…
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Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature
From the office of
Pruitt, Scott
Administrator, Environmental…
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Sean Spicer’s Dinner Speech While Celebrating Cinco de Mayo with Coworkers at Chili’s
Thank you all for coming. Everyone here is…here.…
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Big Boy Donny’s Birthday Party
“I want a ball,
I want a party
Pink…
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Turning Your Lemonade Stand Into A Solid Money-Maker
Wet Lemonade T-Shirt Contests with several of the neighborhood…
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Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy
Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…
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14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words
Put a BK Onion Ring On it
Beyoncé
The Real Slim Jim…
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Do You Need A Pep Talk?
I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk.
I…
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Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…
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I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day
Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…
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Trump's First 100 Days
The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…
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MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)
Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…
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Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)
There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…
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Signs That You're At A Crummy Garage Sale
1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as "evidence".
2) They…
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Letter From the R-Train
My dearest Petula,
Please forgive me if my hand is slow…
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Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times
That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again
That…
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Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants
1. Neymar
2. Lululemon
3. Kaka
4. Garincho
5. Fabletics
6.…
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Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer
(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…
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Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time
“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…
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Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue
So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…
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The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor
Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,
I am attaching the work…
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Auditing A Juggalo
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
Robert Evans, Senior Auditor
2001…
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HighKu's
The assignment was given our subjects:
Ingest one of several…
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Mar-A-Lago Menu (In the Event of Your Eventual Food Poisoning)
“Mr. Trump’s” Braised White Toast*
$50.00
Chilled…
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8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella
Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…