Posts

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

Quiz: Elon Musk Kid or Elon Musk Pet

Kai, Marvin, Damian, Pet or Kid?

Your Partner's Complaints About Popular Sex Toys 

Anal Bee's: I have since discovered that this should have been "anal beads" rather than "anal bees".    The former sounds pretty nice, actually.  Don't make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that's all I'm saying. 

LIST: Old Bands

Rage Against the CPAP Machine, The Villages People, The Bald Eagles, and more!

Girl Scout Cookie or 1960s Businessman’s Nickname for His Secretary?

Savannah Smiles, Little Brownie, Thin Mint, and more!

Elon Musk’s Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

Elevator Pitches for Elevators 

Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence, Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don’t get overconfident, Bats, and more!

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!

Things People Say to Writers Translated

"You wrote a book! How exciting!" (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )

The Many Nicknames of William Shakespeare

Willy Slickspeare, The Merchant of Menace, King Fear, The Dean of PG-13, and more!

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump

Secret identity of Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!

Level With Me...How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?

No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can't get laid. And more!

Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes

Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

The Omicron Variants

Omicone: An iced treat made from disease, OmiKent: Super-spreader disguised as mild-mannered reporter, OmiClaus: Jolly fat man who brings the gift of quarantine. And more!

A Viewer’s Guide to What Would Have Been the 79th Annual Golden Globes

A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

How To Do The Impossible: Getting Water Out of a Tire

Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy

"Andrew Cuomo's discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions." "Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place." And more!

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

Summer 2021 Pool Rules

No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They're Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!

Things That I'll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks...

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

Dr. Maybe, I’m Not Sure And The 8 Other Least Confident Bond Villains

Aluminum Finger, Gums, Oddparttimejob, and more!

Surviving Compliments: A Field Guide

Make Loud Noises: The only 100% effective way to survive compliments is to avoid them entirely. If you see a complimenter approaching, try scaring them away with loud noises. Bang pots and pans, yell, or fondly talk about the Joe Rogan Podcast.

Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering? How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices? How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room Orgy

Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.

Analogies For My Therapist

‘SOS’ : Deserted island :: Cups on my nightstand : Depression, and more!

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

Honest with Your Self-Care Mantras

You are enough, but just barely. Practice saying no, but then cave and say yes. And more.

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

A Memo from Cupid: Changes to Valentine Season

Collazac for Countenance: This innovative arrow delivers a double-dose of collagen and Prozac, designed to fix sad wrinkly faces that have persisted beyond 2020. Your target will be able to put on a happy face even living with the troubling news that The Masked Singer is now getting spin-offs.

How To Tell If Your Gang Isn't As Tough As You Think It Is...

If you happen to notice the members of another gang wearing your gang colors, you compliment them on their bold and stylish fashion choices. And more!

10 Holiday Gift Ideas That Capture the Essence of 2020

Keys to a new car that has been missing for weeks. This one will be really good if we can just locate that brand-spanking new Porsche. I mean, anything’s possible right?

Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace's debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows

We Actually Hate Having Guests! And more.

Fortune Cookies for the Coronapocalypse

Beware of chaotic sexual energy that could land you in the ICU. No glove, no love. No mask, no ass.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

The Commissioner's Adjusted Rules For The 2020 MLB Season

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

The Amazon Prime Fresh Prince of Bel Air and 11 Other CoronaVirus TV Show Reboots

Stay at Home Improvement, Dr Birx, Medicine Woman, and more!

Quiz: Have You Fallen Through a Magical Time Portal to Where You’re 17 Again, or Are You Just Self-Isolating Due to a Global Pandemic?

Everything feels totally out of your control so you’ve started making lanyard ankle bracelets. No one understands you except your cat/dog/succulent. You’ve started journaling. And more.

Who Really Solves a Majority of Murders?

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

Ways to Refer to a Thing Someone Said Without Actually Calling it Racist

Intolerant, Undertolerant, Tolerance averse, Possessing a mild allergy to tolerance and more.

Inadvertent Straight Pride Parades

A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!

Depressing Listicles

'12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!' '1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!' And more.

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

Key Takeaways from Horror Films

Alien: When you eat with co-workers, something is likely to spill…

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’

So, your female bestie’s ‘In The Pen Pal’ beau has proposed…

Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals

After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across…

Other ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump

In regards to Putin's reelection win,  Trump's advisors had…

Department Of Defense Itemized Trump Property Charges

This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just…

President Trump's Favorite Things About The Government Shutdown

You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy…

Red Flags That Your American Facebook Group is Probably Run by a Russian Bot

The phrases in the posts and comments aren’t quite right: You…

The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that…

16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle

Proof that if you add 'Am I right, Sonny Boy?' to a Donald Trump…

Pretty Basic Swingers' Club Etiquette

A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in…

So You've Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane

So you've wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane. Good…

Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players

Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…

How To Tell If You Watched The Eclipse Wrong

Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming. Your…

Trump's First 100 Days

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…

Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times

That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again That…

Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5.…

7 Movies with HUGE Holes in the Plot

1. The Shawshank Redemption 2. Indiana Jones 3. The Core 4.…

Thanksgiving Family Conversation Starters

"So, let's all take turns saying what we're thankful for, and…

The Upcoming Calendar Of Mr. Kenneth Bone

Ken Bone cares about America. If you think he's just at the Town…

Duties of Those Cleaning the Convention Center Following the RNC

Repair porta potty glory holes Contact landfill re: thousands…

Least Coveted Raffle Prizes

Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift…

Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.  …

A Few Examples of When It’s Okay, Even Advisable, To Report Your Neighbor To The Police

His only contributions to the block garage sale are always…