Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist.

BOOK EXCERPT: Eating Salad Drunk

You can always tell / Who went to Catholic school / They are atheists. —MIKE BIRBIGLIA This and more haikus from comedy greats in the new book 'Eating Salad Drunk' compiled by Gabe Henry with illustrations by Emily Flake!

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Talking’ Bout My Veneration

The whole tragic, last days of Christ had been imprinted on our our little Catholic brains since Kindergarten. Images of that poor, super-skinny dead man, hammered into splintery wood, with prickers on his bleeding head, were so commonplace that, by age eleven, looking at it was about as troubling as looking at a hamburger.

Fad Diets To Try In The New Year

The New Paleo Diet: Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.

Know What Would Make Times Square Even Better? If It Was Way Too Crowded, It Was Midnight In December, And Ryan Seacrest Was There The Whole Time!

Whenever I make my way out to New York City, I always try to spend at least a few minutes in Times Square. See, while most people simply write off Times Square as being “too touristy” or “claustrophobic” or say that it’s “a garish, over-commercialized nightmare-prison that you should avoid at all costs”... I disagree.

Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following the sting, it was also reported that animal control services was forced to capture and euthanize nine aggressive reindeer which Kringle had been using as personal transportation to draw his sleigh. One reindeer reportedly suffered from an inflamed nose which allegedly was still glowing for approximately 30 minutes following the euthanasia procedure.

Letters To Santa

When Santa writes back it's not always cheery.

The Life of an Ellipsis...

..., [...] ..* and more!

Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

Ask Laura Dern! 

DEAR BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OH:   You need to collect your wife’s poop and save it out in your backyard until it’s a huge pile.  Then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through her poop looking for undigested lilac berries from the West Indian lilac bush. She has likely been eating west Indian lilac berries and this is likely what is causing her addiction.  This technique worked for me when I found a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! - LAURA DERN

10 Lyfehacks Thou Needest Immediately In This Yeare Of Our Lorde, Thirteen Hundred And Forty Seven

3. Keepeth A Garden: Roses, carnations and mint will keep away the infernal smell that bringeth the Death from Rat to Man. Hold their petals in a mask around thine face to hold off the Death from claiming your sinful flesh!

Please Accept my Application to Join Your Post-Apocalypse Survival Crew

One last thing, and I think you’ll appreciate the crux of my proposal here: yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly three years now, and while technically not a certified instructor-- what? No, not certified, but does it matter? Surely your medic isn’t an actual doctor, right?

Love & Dating Advice Based On The Number Of Letters In Your First Name

Four Letters: You actually met the love of your life yesterday at 6:43 pm. Or you would have if you didn’t insist on getting pho again for like the ninth day in a row. Instead, that person you gave your number to will be ruining your life for the next eleven years.

If the National Parks Responded to Real One-Star Reviews

P.S. We told Yellowstone what you said about us and they said you’re no longer welcome there. The next time you pull up to their gate, there’ll be a big sign that reads: “DIANE F. FROM MESA HATES MOUNTAINS AND IS CHEAP.”

Casting Call for the Supporting Role of Boyfriend - Apply via Submittable

To apply, carefully read and complete all sections (A-F) below. Submissions should be free of spelling and grammar errors. Submissions should also be free of your unsolicited commentary on the “super uptight” requirements for landing this role. 

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

Yes, My Internet is Also Down

I feel so alone right now. The rest of you are just going ahead and working like there's no problem, like one of your coworkers isn't totally without internet. You really find out who your friends are when your internet's down. I feel like a wounded buffalo that the herd is moving away from so I don't weaken the group.

Julia Child’s Hangover Cure Recipes 

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!

This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

Thoughts on the Proposed Ban on Feeding Birds and Squirrels in New York City Parks, from the Birds and Squirrels

TINA, GREY SQUIRREL: They wouldn't be bothering with this ban if they knew how close they are to extinction.

As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV... No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry

See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.

A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson's 'Pulp Fiction' Character Jules Winnfield

Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?

Itinerary Of A Plant Dad

11AM — Pia and our cat Lionel are finally getting along. I was getting worried for a moment we’d have to put him down.

Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.

Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.

Please Deliver This Request for Proposal by End of Week

My boss told me “deadline has the word ‘dead’ for a reason.” Help.

Turbo Tax for Twenty-Somethings

Claim any homeownership tax breaks you qualify for: Ha ha ha ha. Just kidding. Owning a home, can you imagine?! Realize you’re $300 short on rent. Sell your plasma.

Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador

We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you're dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it.

Lonely Black Hole Finally Gets Some Company and Can't Shut Up

Hey, nice of you guys to finally show up. I've only been watching you for the past several hundred thousand years. You humans, I mean. Totally been watching for longer but I know some of you don't believe in cosmological time, so...don't wanna offend!

To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).

Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have.

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ

I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.

Me Have Problem with Girl Scout Cookie Season

Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance.

Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly

Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.

Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group

Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning! Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.

Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!

Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they've found in the torture-room of their parents' opulent home. (AMC) and more.

Managing Your Email Notifications

The "Jesus Christ What’s This Newsletter" is a weekly collection of totally unrelated things that are trending on Twitter, hot on Instagram, Snapchat stories and things to click on that have no connection to anything but are guaranteed to distract you.

A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners

To be quite honest, we are alarmed at the errors and misconceptions so wantonly presented in your lyrics. We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.

The Craziest Lost Beverly Hills, 90210 Episodes of All Time

“Side Burned” In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”

The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.

The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!

Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She'll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call "the wall" a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary. Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.

When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!

Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show

MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.

More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad

'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.

The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis

Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.

Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.

Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me

The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.

I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors

We thank you for upholding the idea that even though there's a cheaper, more sensible way to eat, sleep, drink — do virtually anything — you don't care. You want things to stay the same. Because staying the same is the only way we can respect the past and keep people like us alive. You realize that once our business dies off -- and it will -- life will never be the same.

Hubris, Hamartia or HELL YEAH?

We’re all gathered at the Colosseum today to talk about the unsettling allegations against people in my position. And you know that position: dick out.

Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.

California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter WARNING: This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump.

‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where…

Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio's proposed shared "RebaVerse". And more.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

Manager Handbook Chapter 12: So You’ve Hired A Woman. Now What?

Hiring competent people, regardless of their gender, is an important aspect of any manager’s job, but in today’s post #MeToo world, men in positions of power need to take certain precautions when they decide to allow a female into an office environment. No doubt she’s going to wreak some havoc simply by having breasts and walking around, so it’s important to prepare your male employees by requesting they review these guidelines and procedures should they have to interface with her.

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY: CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

Rockefeller Turkey Farm- Turkeys You Can Be Proud Of

Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who've each earned a liberal arts degree.

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of…

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

I’m still not sure how I died. Maybe I had a heart attack,…

My Digital Cleanse Starts Today

Am I nervous about adjusting to non-digital life? Sure. How do people know if someone has been brave if not with the hashtag #brave? How will I know if someone is talking to me if they don’t tag my handle in their reply? I’m hoping to find answers during my cleanse.

Jonathan Franzen's Other Rules For Novelists

Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother -- distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.

If You Tag Someone In This Post, I Might Be Able To Keep This Job

Tag someone who hasn’t seen the sun set but still has a Facebook account somehow. Probably because they are a troll, but even clicks from trolls might help me keep this late-night social media shift and move to a place with 5 or 6 fewer roommates.

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!

A Summary For My Class On My White House Internship

They tell me that, with how much they promote people, I could probably be running the EPA, HUD, or even state department by next summer.

SO, YOU VOTED. WELL, WHOOP-DE-DOO

When I was a kid, we couldn’t look up candidates on the internet. In fact, we didn’t even know who the candidates were, only that they all had gout. We used to just vote on whoever had least serious case of gout. That’s how Uncle Henry almost became Mayor in ’72. He wasn’t really my uncle. That was just a childhood nickname that stuck. Never did get to be mayor, though. Turned out he had a bad case of shrub pox that came on right before election day.

Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane

Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.

Wake Up, America!

ANCHOR 2: Our thoughts are with the victims and their families. ANCHOR 1: Thoughts. Prayers. ANCHOR 2: Yes, of course, thoughts and prayers. ANCHOR 1: And now: How to look like a celebrity, on a budget!

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections

Grumpy Dwarf, 1035 yrs, Coal City, WV, Miner Coal is the future!

WebMD.gov Entry for Trump Derangement Syndrome in the Year 2030

Overview The first cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome (or TDS)…

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th

  Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

Key Takeaways from Horror Films

Alien: When you eat with co-workers, something is likely to spill…

Online Job Posting For New Opening Of Head Coach at Cleveland Browns

Making words and combining them to create newer and better words! SUPER WORDS! Words like HARDLAND!!! BELIEVELAND!!! etc...

John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no "hush money" designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.

Sorry, Ken Burns, But Your Eleven-and-a-Half-Hour Civil War Documentary Is Not Real Comedy

It feels like these days it’s fashionable to make just about anything and call it “comedy.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think if it was good enough for Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, and Jerry Seinfeld, it’s good enough for me. So I’ve got to speak the truth about the latest so-called “comedy” special I saw on Netflix this weekend:

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

Sorry, Boss, But I'm Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

No. No, I didn't know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The "Chad the Pool Boy" sketches. I'm not really into current pop music, so I'm not too familiar with her songs.

Seeking Entry Level Sidekick For Prominent Superhero

Qualifications: Able to handle quippy dialogue. Tragic backstory. Skilled with using Quickbooks Pro.

We Regret to Inform You That We Have Rejected Your Job Application From Our Pop-Up Halloween Store (in The Old Kmart)

Thank you for your interest in Halloween MegaStore. Unfortunately, we decided to go in a different direction. The “blood-spattered” paper your resume was on certainly caught our eye. It also soaked my desk...

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

Unsubscribe Response or Pleading Text from My Ex?

Ending things can be rough, for both significant others and insignificant brands. Please love us.

Tips for Becoming A Good Sailor Taken from Different Periods Throughout History

1700s: Teach your parrot to say naughty things. It cannot be overstated how important this is.

Coffee is for Voters

You think this is abuse? You can't take this -- how can you take another term and a half of Trump? I can go out there in November with the candidates you got, make myself a new Senate Judiciary Committee. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! Get mad! Get mad!! You know what it takes to vote? You just have to be registered.

As Long As You Work Here, You Have The Opportunity To Be Harassed

Google Douchebag is the first fully autonomous, humanoid A.I. that’s been programmed to do exactly one thing – harass all of you indiscriminately. Why? Because we are a company built on equality, inclusion, and robots.

The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3... 2... 1.... Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, 'kay?

I’ll Never Forget When I First Saw You (on Tinder While I Was Pooping)

Some say romance is dead. I myself had all but given up on love. Then I saw you. I’ll never forget it: I was sitting on the toilet as my bowels evacuated, mindlessly swiping away on Tinder, when you appeared on the screen.

As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!

I Testify Before Congress in All My Fantasies

I can’t imagine anything more erotic than telling my story to America’s preeminent misogynists. Sweating in their suits as they question me. Wagging their erect fingers at me for slowing down an appointment critical to their agenda. Holy shit, my legs are quaking!

Brett Kavanaugh's 1982 Calendar

{ Official Transcript of provided Brett Kavanaugh 1982 Calendar } July 10 – “Visit Yale, Remember Visine.” July 21 - "Hypothetical Plans" July 22 – “Buy gag dick” – (X’d out)

Uncle Craig, We Really Need to Talk About What Happened at Family Feud Last Week

As you know, it's been a full week since our taping of Family Feud in Atlanta. Yes, we're disappointed that we lost. Badly. And, sure, it would have been nice to have the opportunity to play for $20,000 in the Fast Money round, plus a chance at winning a brand-new, fully-loaded Ford Edge. But that's not what this is about.

Carpool Karaoke, Sir Paul McCartney, Deleted Scenes

Sir Paul McCartney, (V.O.): That's it. Now put a little more wrist into it. Oh, look 'round there. It's the basement where the lads and I would bust a nut. Those were the original lyrics to "Yesterday," you know. I needed three syllables. Bah-dah-dum.

Ethics Training for the Galactic Empire

Welcome to the Galactic Empire Ethics Training. Upon completion of this learning module you will take an aptitude test graded by your managing Sith Lord. A failing score is punishable by a force-choke that may result in death, but what we’re really looking for here is effort!

theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!

What, you're still here? Haven't you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don't expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you're about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ...

A Day-In-The-Life of Alex Jones’ College Intern

6:45 AM: I hardly slept a wink all night. I start my internship…

Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward's 'Fear: Trump In The White House'

Bob Woodward's apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency,…

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Marriage - by Anonymous

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

To Whoever Finds This Note

I'm sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don't have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons. Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag. Eat that banana.

A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.

I'm a Risk Taker

Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, I’ll prove it to you.

Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results

IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to…

Half-Assed Apologies From Historic Leaders For Egregious Crimes Against Humanity

Pharaoh of The Exodus   When I enslaved the Israelites…

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.

When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids…

A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names

My Wifi Network Name:  Turn Down Your TV Seriously…

A Prepared Statement for Fighting My Speeding Ticket

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of traffic court, I am here…

Affirmations To Reduce Worry When The News Media Stops Covering #Kidgate 2018

By the time you read this, we will still be in a highly polarized,…

How To Monetize Your Kitten

Now that you brought home your new cat, it’s time to take this…

Are You There, Cthulhu? It’s Me, Margaret.

If only we had this kind of content during our vulnerable years - maybe it wold have all turned out differently.

An Asylum Seeking Migrant Answers Tricky Office Job Interview Questions

They always try to get you with those trick questions.

Morning Meditation for Flat Earthers

If the Earth is round, then how does the water stay?

Football Moves That Can Also Be Used To Reject People Hitting On You In Bars

You’re probably aware of the game they call football.  But…

A Letter From Space Force Training

Hi Mom. Thanks for the note. I miss you too.   Things…

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons

Seating $50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment. $150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

It’s Not the Holocaust Tho

ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t…

The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and…

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,   Greetings and welcome to the…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

My Internet History Is Crazier Than Yours

My internet history is the craziest out of anyone. Seriously,…

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

Margaritaville, Inc.’s Annual Report, By Jimmy Buffett

Mahalo shareholders, stakeholders and loyal Parrotheads. Margaritaville,…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise

We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

OFFICE MEMORANDUM: In Response to The Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We'll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle

To: All LQP Employees From: LQP CEO Richard Smarsky Subject:…

Affairs of the State: Love Notes To and From Russia With and Without Love

August 10, 2015 Dear Donald, You like strong leaders. I am…

Teddy Ruxpin Story Descriptions for the 21st Century

 The world sure has changed a lot since 1985! Teddy is ready…