Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

Might need something stronger then coffee. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

It's all about efficiency. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache. Any puppy ever. And more!

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity. 

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

P.S. Goes without saying, but we’ve also cancelled the Seventh Inning French.

“Hi ma’am, can you hold my horses while I run into Starbucks to use the bathroom and grab the last copy of Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits?” The man asked. You have to remember, this was so long ago that Starbucks still sold CDs. But even in 2005, you couldn’t just leave your horses unattended in a parking lot after 5 pm. That’s just plain rude.  I was totally pissed. How dare this stranger call me ma’am? I was 27. 

Let's do the digital WAVE, got any cyberdogs!? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere. 

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Along with having a universal designated hitter every team will be assigned a designated tickler, Stadiums will replace hot dogs with normal temperature regular dogs, Gloves will be replaced with a hand of bananas. And more.

Very helpful way to keep on track, and be as focused and efficient as possible!

The tiny fingers won't work. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.

Overkill. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

I swear we need a bigger jar. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

The Fart Of The Deal, The Smell Jar, A Tree Grows in Jersey, and more #StinkyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Did you see? Number 1 on all the networks. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

The big positive is that in 25 years nobody will be able to point to your prom photos and say, "Can you believe you ever wore your hair like that?"

Missing the spotlight? Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.

Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

You got a little something on your cheek. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

A lot off the top. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

Yesterday morning, you baked a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread.  This morning, there was no chocolate chip banana bread left.  Why? (A: You ate the entire loaf last night in six minutes while ugly-crying about the future of humanity.)

Walk this way! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CALPURNIA: Atticus, you better check your lipstick before you even think of coming to talk to me.  *Does a sultry hair flip and eye ball roll.*  Now, don’t go tugging at that dress, Scout. You want to have it all wrinkled before you even get to school? 

Oh No, I Apri-cut Your Nuts! Created to specifically address the surprising rise of violence in the Edible Arrangements community, this bevvy of dried apricots and rich cashews are sure to say “I’m sorry I cut off your testicles. Let’s still be friends.”

Meta Metamorphosis! In today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Missing something? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The Mamas and the Pastas, Justin Beefer, David Lee Broth, and more #BandAFood on this week's trending joke game!

Keep at least 141 million miles distance between you and Earth. Binge watch Season 2 of 01010111. Don’t touch your antenna. And more!

Today I will do the coronavirus response briefing and it will be amazing! This time I will remember to swallow. Last night I did arm practice with Ivanka for two hours. I think I’m finally getting how to hold them! 

The whole tragic, last days of Christ had been imprinted on our our little Catholic brains since Kindergarten. Images of that poor, super-skinny dead man, hammered into splintery wood, with prickers on his bleeding head, were so commonplace that, by age eleven, looking at it was about as troubling as looking at a hamburger.

Grab dice from other player’s hand, chuck across room and move pieces on board while America is looking the other way.

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night - Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

We've skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can't afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States. 

Spare a square? Today's cartoon by Jefferson Deng.