Trump’s budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this country’s juvenile detention centers, which means that the quality of the literature donated to these facilities may suffer quite a bit as well. As proof, here’s this year’s approved list of assigned reading materials from current state-run juvenile detention centers: Teabagging Gwynn by […]
President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed for years early in his adult years with The Flying Wallendas, pranked the American people by years by faking a clumsy nature. First Lady Nancy Reagan was quite the jokester, using the prank-loving holiday to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom she shared with the President […]
“Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point of being quite ill. So if I appear a bit green around the edges, that’s why. And hey, since green and yellow combine to make brown, I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m being kicked out of the box. That’s […]
The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1) Denial– “I know that we’re leaving Europe, but we’re not really leaving leaving. We can still be friends, to start. And then, who knows? Maybe we can get together again some day. I feel like Europe will always be there for us, […]
We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day, and it filled our offices with excitement! Well, “filled the office” might be the wrong term, as we actually had to evacuate the offices upon realizing that we had received a package from Samsung. And “excitement” might not be exactly right either. But […]
Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of a paper bag, but a large robotic suit is another story. Michael Keaton in a fluffy fur collar makes him appear either terrifying, or like the old queen who really shouldn’t still be hanging out at the club. You can still […]
(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers On A Budget) Crime scenes If you’re living in the type of neighborhood that the average college student can afford, then your part of town probably has several active crime scenes, maybe even next door! The real motivation behind spring break is having a […]
JFK’s handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years, missing pages have been found to complete this piece of history of the famed 35th President. March 16th, 1961: Diary, today is an amazing day! I’ve only been the leader of this great country for a bit more than a month, and […]
Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we’re being honest, the meatballs are usually a bit undercooked. But we slather them in so much Russian dressing, literally drenched in Russian dressing, that you’ll barely be able to taste the meatballs anyway. $9.50 Pencing A Loaf Not much to this, quite frankly. A plain loaf […]
No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into a rib-cage is so much more effective. Fighting Is No Way To Spend Any Holiday Let those other jokers tire themselves out with drunken brawling, then you can swoop in and steal their broads. Offer Aid To Those Who Are Confused And Sick […]
Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply been standing too close to the restaurant’s food-warmer heating lamps while impatiently waiting for your wings. You pile your unwashed underwear onto your tv room floor while watching games, so that you can capture some of that genuine locker room aroma. While lovemaking, you […]
Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the Archie Comics Universe, has proven to be a huge hit! This is yet more evidence that most people aren’t too choosy about what they watch, which we already knew, and also means that we’ll probably be seeing plenty of similar shows popping up very soon. So […]
YOU can be as great of a liar as Jeff Sessions!! It’s true!! Or, false….? And it’s easy! At least, he seems to have no trouble doing it nonstop. Jeff Sez: “Gwan now! S’easy, n fun, to tull tall tay-uls, wun nawn cun stan wut yer sayin’. Yegettit?” Translation: “Go on now! It’s easy and fun […]
When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece of ratty furniture in a brothel, be sure to do so in a manner most becoming of a lady. The shit in this house is old and expensive, so please, be careful!! For example, when sliding a genuine silver candlestick holder into your […]
Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape. Jimmy Kimmel allowed to host. Edgar Blount, a homeless man who attacked Pee Wee Herman with a claw hammer back in the 80’s, was left off of the “In Memoriam” list. Caitlyn Jenner couldn’t have any drinks, as she was having to hold her tinkle in […]
Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka’s sassy line of products. Glenn McCoy’s political cartoons take up every square inch of your comics section. You’ve managed to convince both of your teenage daughters to have their abortions reversed. The only trans that your paper mentions are the Trans Ams in the automotive […]
☐ Why no White History Month? Have someone look into that. ☐ Need to get more likes from black people on Twitter! Must make this a priority. Maybe start something called “Black Likes Matter“? Yes! Pretty sure that they’d love that! ☐ Begin plans to make another wall, but this time, a wall that they’ll […]
Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged Marilyn Monroe and FDR was trans. But what do you really know about our past Commander in Chiefs? Teddy Roosevelt would regularly hire a woman to pretend that she has the right to vote while also gingerly fingering his bottom. Gerald Ford would […]
Your Fist Is On My List Four Fingers?!? Please? I Washed It. Nag Me Mornin After Pill Poison! JK:) Murder Suicide Pact? Dutch Ovens R Hot Love Suppository Contagio-US Chlamydia Any Mountain
To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take a drink every time… Beyonce’s twins somehow win an award for something. Rihanna flinches while being handed a Grammy. Someone at your party mutters “What the fuck…” when Sia comes onscreen. Adele has to be reminded of the “Everyone should get […]
Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend. Well, there is Donald, of course. But just between you and me, this is very much like favorite food being a cheesy American fast-food hamburger; you do enjoy quite a bit, but would rather not admit in public. And also, causes much gas. So that […]
President Trump’s interview with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News really hit a nerve with the Kremlin over the weekend. They were offended by the term ‘killers’ and have asked Fox News to issue an apology. But this isn’t the first time Russia has asked the US for an apology, some other things that the Kremlin would […]
I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before I could swallow them all, I fell asleep. So I woke up the following morning with thirty five pieces of gum stuck in my hair. Luckily my hair always kind of looks like it has thirty five pieces of gum stuck in it, so […]
So now Kellyanne Conway is referring to a “Bowling Green Massacre”, which according to all news outlets, isn’t really even a thing. Kellyanne, you rascal! This made us all warm and nostalgic for all of Kellyanne’s other ‘Alternative Facts’ over the past several months. Take our hand and join us for a sentimental walk down memory lane, […]
Hey, are you there God? It’s me, Donald. To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure that I believe it you. I did win the election, though, so that points to your existence being at least possible. And did you see all of those people at the inauguration? I feel like you must have […]
New trade agreement discussions with Chile (“Mostly because I love those baby back rib things. Delicious.” remarked Trump) Tube Top Tuesdays every week (“But no fatties.” cautioned Trump) Secret Service ordered to shoot Alec Baldwin on site. Illegal Mexican immigrants who are making regular submissions to YouPorn allowed to stay in the country (“After a […]
Trump wasn’t in office for even a day when he made several notable changes to the White House website, including removing any references to global warming, as well as info about Melania-made jewely (sadly, not a joke). What can we expect next? And why does it matter, since most Trump supporters don’t know how to […]
Demonic/zombie bald eagle with dead dove in it’s mouth: 174 Rebel flag as Superman’s cape: 238 Jesus as crying Native American as passing car throws out an aborted fetus as litter: 105 Sad angel standing at Dale Earnhardt’s grave: 78 Smiling Jesus using rebel flag as a parachute: 156 Klu Klux Klan couple holding KKK […]
Sure guns in schools can do SOME bad things, but what’s the REAL threat to our nations youth? Grizzly Bears. We need to do more to prevent these Active Bear Situations (ABS) and thank goodness Trump Secretary of Education pick Betsy DeVos has brought this epidemic to light. But why stop at allowing guns to […]
Don’t despair, folks! All is not lost! Just mostly… Quit being a baby You’ll probably feel better in a day or two. The Bible Belt While wearing this belt, the power of your prayers increases by up to 60%!! Also gives off a pleasant vapor action to aid in clearing the sinuses. Available by […]
Bankrupt after having to bail out so many clowns who had been arrested on To Catch A Predator. Animals kept getting killed by Donald Trump’s sons. Bad couple of weeks last year during which all of the trapeze artists had a really bad stomach virus with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, and no budget to […]
Best Performance By An Actor/Actress Trying To Bounce Back From An Alcohol/Drug Fueled Crime Spree Best Nude Scene By An Aging Actress Trying Desperately To Remain Relevant Best Speech By An Actor/Actress On A Talk Show, Lying Through Their Teeth About The Movie That They Know Is Unwatchable Horseshit Best Looking The Other Way While […]
Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that I’m able to finally quit smoking? I’m afraid that my boyfriend might leave me otherwise. -Nancy Dear Magic 8 Ball, Okay, um… about that smoking thing? And my boyfriend? -Nancy Dear Magic 8 Ball, I recently discovered that my wife has […]
Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on immediately by her insanely tight and inappropriate costume. She wasn’t told that she would actually have to sing. Forgot that her deal with Satan ran out exactly at midnight, December 31, 2016. Just naturally assumed that everyone would be starting at her boobs, and wouldn’t even […]
More robots per episode than an entire season of Westworld. The original title of the show was going to be “Chlamydia Island”. Losers forced to choose between death or being cast on an MTV2 reality show. The scent of female desperation that hangs over the mansion is burning a hole in the ozone layer. In regards to […]
President-Elect Trump recently referred to the UN as simply “a club for people to have a good time”. If you think that’s a bit startling and off putting, then wait until you see these other examples of… Trump’s Definitions of Common, Everyday Political Terms: Vice President Sort of like a wing-man who will take […]
Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The Tinder Rip-Offs! Timber Dating app for lumberjacks. Brender For Brits who prefer to date women named Brenda. Yonder For people who don’t mind traveling a great distance for a piece of tail. Kinder The exclusive dating app of Roman Polanski. Upender Tech support, not a […]
9:30 am Tinkle into the dishwasher’s detergent container. 10:15 am Pop up and down on the kitchen window-sill , hoping to give the gardening widow next door a heart attack. 11:30 am Lunch with MILF On The Shelf. 12:15 pm Sufficiently liquored up, try the “You’re standing under the mistle-blow.” line on the MILF On […]
Mr. President-Elect Trump, please always refer to the following notes before Tweeting. This could save us potential embarrassment in the future. Thank you. – The Office of Mike Pence PLEASE REMEMBER: Do not mistake NAFTA for NAMBLA. The Klu Klux Klan did not raise lots of money for crippled kids. Do not say good things about the […]
Creator Of CB Radio Sets Own Buttocks On Fire Nazi Scientists Revive Corpse Of Orville Redenbacher McDonald’s Introduces New Vicks Vapor Rub McNugget Dipping Sauce For Cold And Flu Sufferers Hillary Clinton Takes Nap Halfway Thru New Gilmore Girls Series PETA And Local Satanist Group Decide To ‘Agree To Disagree’ For The Holidays Tony Danza […]
Illustration by John Daly
A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black Friday “Aunt Sue was a great and wonderful woman. At least, I guess she was. I don’t really know, to be honest. I never really spent much time around her, as she was usually tucked into a camping tent in front of Best […]
New England Patriots mascot balloon not inflated properly, falls into crowd injuring dozens. Performance by pro-Trump dance troupe, “Yes We Klu Klux Klan!”. Performer’s on Carnival Cruise-Line float suffer severe diarrhea due to pre-show food poisoning mishap. Democratic Party float does excellent job for most of the route, then suddenly explodes in a burst of […]
“So, let’s all take turns saying what we’re thankful for, and then who we each voted for.” “Aunt Sue, you’re a miracle! That sweet-potato pie of yours disappeared more quickly than Planned Parenthood’s funding.” “Instead of an adults and kids table, this year can we have a racist and non-racist table?” “Uncle Elliott, if you’re […]
ObamaCare replaced by TrumpCare (first-aid kit, bottle of off-brand whiskey, and a coat hanger). Susan B. Anthony dollar coin discontinued because, in the words of Trump, “she was kind of a dog, quite frankly”. Replaced by the image of a topless Melania. The body of a beaten and strangled to death Alec Baldwin is found […]
President-Elect Michelle Obama not only soundly defeating Donald Trump in the election, but due to being a cyborg, being able to fly him over and then into an active volcano. Bill Cosby providing his most hilarious and heart-warming holiday special since his accidental castration forty years ago. The Westboro Baptist Church and their […]
Citizens of these great United States, you can now rest easy. While President-Elect Trump may not have the experience of those typically selected for his new position, he has wisely chosen to surround himself with a group of those who are, as President Lincoln once succinctly put it, “of the people, by the people, for […]
What Now? Things To Consider: 1) Don’t Go From Bad to Worse: Difficult to fathom, we realize. But there may very well be places on the planet that are even worse than America under Trump. You don’t want to be tossed down a volcano just so the local villagers can believe that their crops […]
Regardless of who ultimately wins, the night of the Presidential election is going to be an intense, edge-of-your-seat, terrifying couple of hours. Keep yourself from possibly stroking out or having a fatal panic attack with these… Pleasant, Soothing Thoughts With Which to Calm Yourself on Election Night If Trump wins, at least you’ve had […]
Are you ready to make the arduous journey to your local voting machine? Are you sure? Hmm… We’re not convinced. Better consult our: Election Day Voting Checklist Bring plenty of snacks for the trip. Fresh water and fruit for yourself, buckets of chum and lightly seasoned gristle to toss at aggressive Trump voters. Best […]
The odd, little out of the way places that Trump’s campaign advisors have been hiding Melania Trump from the crooked, libtard, and totally bigly rigged media: Beanie Genie 2016 “Rub me, and your most fantastical Beanie Baby wish will come true!” came the cheerful chirp from the plump middle-aged woman who met us […]
Today’s CNN report cited the guests invited to tonight debate by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Both sides clearly trying to rattle the other. Trump has invited President Barack Obama’s Kenyan-born half-brother, Malik. Hillary Clinton will be joined at Wednesday’s debate by two well-known billionaires who are backing her campaign, Meg Whitman and Mark Cuban. However, those […]
Anderson Cooper’s CNN interview with Melania Trump held very few surprises; naturally, she came out in defense of her husband. What is surprising, however, is that fact that most of Melania’s actual messages went unnoticed by viewers. Not only because we couldn’t understand what she was saying, but also because her words didn’t match up with her body language and […]
+++++++++++++ Friday, Oct. 7, 2016 3:35 pm From: Donald To: Campaign Staff Hey folks…. Sorry for this email. I don’t like to do the emails, I’d prefer to Tweet. But I’ve been advised that emails are preferable to Tweets for professional exchanges. Who says? Who’s more qualified than me to make that call? You? Sorry, […]
Who is this mysterious woman, Kellyanne Conway? The woman behind Donald Trump. She can’t be that stupid, as she’s figured out that it’s not safe to be the woman in front of Trump, at least. So maybe she’s just too good at her job? Like, you know, the Devil. We were curious, so we presented […]
Donald Trump recently began citing a Kremlin funded news website for his facts attacking Hillary Clinton. Below are a few other of Trumps favorite news stores from Sputnik News. “Time-Traveling Olsen Twins Admit Responsibility for Holocaust, Zika Virus and Release of RoboRape Machines From ChromaSvink Galaxy’s 3381 Nullifier Event” “Cookies N’ Cream Enemas Proven To […]
Forget about Trump! What about that little scoundrel, Billy Bush? His comments and egging on of Trump was just the “tit of the ice-burg” (his words, not ours; something referring to Kim Kardashian’s mom, from what we understand). Offered to help Bill Cosby whip up a batch of pre-date moonshine. Thought it would be […]
Do a shot every time that: Donald Trump attempts to do damage control by jokingly offering a Tic-Tac to Hillary. Hillary attempts to appear more relatable by doing an awkward, embarrassing dance of sorts. A member of the G.O.P decides to turn their back on Trump during the debate. Trump goes on a rambling, […]
In a surprise move the Tic-Tac organization chooses to embrace Trumps recent comments with new slogan “Grab Life By The Pussy!” Billy Bush resigned to being the most reviled person in history to have the last name Bush. Trump’s audience of sexual predators, perverts and inbred morons now even more behind his Presidential campaign. […]
It’s Hillary’s fault. He’s done plenty of other illegal things, much, much worse… vile, reprehensible stuff, and never had to worry about it; why start now? Do you know how much it costs to pay the has-beens and losers that populate his reality show? And a few of them, he really did pay! And he […]
USA Today has come out against Trump. As is of course their right. To provide the proper balance, however, we are obliged to present this somewhat less publicized opposing viewpoint from the editorial board of another long running American publishing institution. Hustler Magazine. Anyone who has been accused of sexually assaulting underage girls as often […]
Didn’t bite anyone. (on-stage at least; and even Reagan took a nibble or two out of backstage lackeys prior to his debate with Mondale) Didn’t use his fecal matter to draw a swastika on the front of his podium. (I lost twenty bucks on that one) Was close enough to Clinton to honk her boob, […]
“Senator Clinton, is it true that ISIS unfriended you on Facebook, due to your extensive online bullying?” “What number am I thinking of? No cheating by using powers of the occult, Senator Clinton!” “Mr. Trump, what are your plans to curb racial violence in this country? Besides forcing all non-white […]
Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice. [$20K for the operation, $15 a week to hire Puerto Rican guy to hose centipede down a couple of times a day] Rare videos submitted by Kim Jong Un to America’s Funniest Home Videos. [$175K for set of eight tapes, $500 to have […]
If I catch an STD from one of the dates provided by your site, is the next date free? How diligent are you in researching whether or not members are serial killers? Would you say very diligent, fairly diligent, or not very? There don’t seem to be very many female members on this site. Any […]
“… just saying, if someone is being paid to give me a proper back massage, why wouldn’t they handle the pimples as well? They don’t have to pop them with their teeth, for Christ sakes, but pop them already! I can appreciate someone being squeamish, but if you’ve already waxed my vulva, surely you must have […]
It’s fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you outside the theatre, and offer a hearty hello to the folks shooting at you inside the theatre. Those butterflies in your stomach mean that honest-to-goodness cinematic thrills await you around each corner, but also that the seventeen year old theatre manager forgot to […]
There are only a few viable scenarios that appear likely: His penis falls off. While trying to take a photo of the severed member to send to a lady, his iPhone explodes, killing him instantly. Sexting becomes illegal and punishable by death in America. Anthony moves to Tijuana, where his penis is […]
People are chomping at the bit, demanding blood and worse from Mylan CEO Heather Bresch. But before things get too heated, just listen to reason for a minute; Ms. Bresch NEEDS that extra $16 million per year raise in her salary. Don’t believe us? Just take a moment to cool down and check out the […]
Accidentally spilled a two liter of Big Red soda onto the form, and is embarrassed to ask for a new one. Attempting to write-off his weekend at “Bill Cosby’s How To Pick Up Chicks” seminar. Doesn’t want anyone to see that he dots his i’s with little hearts. He’s looked everywhere, and he just can’t […]
Recently paid workers for a job he hired them to perform. Gave a genuine compliment to a woman he doesn’t consider to be physically attractive. When addressing his lawn-care staff, said “Nice job, wetbacks.” rather than “Out of my way, wetbacks.” Last time he had a decapitated stripper buried in the desert, he actually stopped […]
Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry like to joke that Hillary’s positive political contributions haven’t added up to a “Hill” of beans. Which is what gave us the idea for this scrumptious offering. These beans, much like Hillary’s campaign promises, have been mashed and smooshed to the point of being unrecognizable. And, […]
Repair porta potty glory holes Contact landfill re: thousands of Mardi Gras bead necklaces made from spent shotgun shells. Dispose of bodies of homeless who were shot while wandering too close to the convention center. Clean brains off of the wall from racists whose heads exploded while attempting to listen to Melania Trump. Use taser, […]
Trump Roast $74.50 Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney. Piles of it. Be careful, though. It seems vaguely intriguing at first, but once ingested will quickly make you sick. No amount of fancy condiments will help it go down any easier. Not only nauseating, but quite the bitter aftertaste as well. The Side of […]
1) Most Ghostbusters fan-boys are more scared of women than they are of ghosts. 2) Fictional Proton Packs obviously too heavy to be carried by girls. 3) Fans disappointed that Melissa McCarthy isn’t playing the Staypuft Marshmallow Woman. 4) Pudgy, awkward nerdy types need comforting presence of Dan Aykroyd. 5) Demonic phantoms not realistically a […]
Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift card to vegan café “You’ve Got Kale” Incontinence-Friendly Square-Dance Lessons Backstage passes to Bill Cosby show Dollar Store Ouija board that only contacts people in comas Written transcript of Kanye’s 2015 MTV VMA speech Free paternity test results read by Maury Povich Bird-house filled with piping […]
[Prostitutional Premonitions] Aries (March 21- April 19) You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month; in fact, you will meet many, as you are a prostitute. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today, moon is in Scorpio. In other words, “Moon” is an erect penis, and “Scorpio” is your butthole. Gemini (May 21 – […]
While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission. Tear chunks of bloody flesh from the shark and rub the goopy materials all over your body. Sharks will then believe that you are also a shark, and will then leave you be. Before swimming, do whatever you can to contract HIV, Hepatitis-C, and so on. The sharks […]
No need to be as lax as the US Govt’s gun-purchasing policies.; extensive background checks for everyone attending your party is an absolute must. Sure, these people are your friends, but do you really want them to know where you live? There are probably several vacant houses in your neighborhood, use one of their backyards […]
Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney’s Pixar Studios presents the lively adventures of the Kardashian clan, re-imagined as a lovable family of animated automobiles. In this episode, the rest of the family react with jealousy and anger regarding Kim’s larger-than-average trunk space. Disney Channel It’s Pickles The Clown! When Angus Flea, an ambitious […]
Dear Abby, As a longtime fan of your column, as well as someone who enjoys the smell of their own flatulence… Dear Abby, I am a skin-tag on Tommy Lee Jones’ left thigh that recently gained sentience, and was wondering about the correct etiquette for inviting casual acquaintances to a summer garden party… Dear Abby, […]
His only contributions to the block garage sale are always bloodied girl scout uniforms. Immediately following Halloween, he rents out his porch jack o’ lantern as a toilet for homeless people. He constantly steals your newspaper, and also your television. Always brings roofies to the neighborhood lemonade stands. You live in George Zimmerman’s neighborhood. He […]
1) Oxy Pads & Oxycontin 2) The Waltzing Dead 3) MTV’s Teen Mom Try-Outs Final Round 4) Obamacareless Whispers 5) Guns For Corsages 6) Free Clinic & A Picnic 7) Shared Memes & Broken Dreams 8) Getting To Third Base With Your 4th Period Spanish Teacher 9) It’s Not Who Brought You, It’s Who’s There […]
1) Will Cialis work even if my partner and I have grown to despise one another? 2) Is it okay to consume alcohol while taking Cialis? Depending on the appearance of the partner, is it encouraged? 3) If I have to seek medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours, is […]
