Once you’ve voted, please don’t then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?
Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas stocking candy for your kids. Those little monsters will never pause stuffing their faces long enough to notice that it’s stale. Fake body parts from Halloween front porch display can be reused to play a funny prank on your kids involving the supposed death and […]
Thomas’ House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom’s dickhead boyfriend is going to be in town and crashing with them. So we’ll have to keep it down a bit, and no foods with strong smells. Still, always a great time, so show up early for a good spot on the couch […]
Tattoos of everyone’s name that you’ve met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.
The Amityville Horror: The house is no longer haunted, but there are a few foundation problems that probably need to be looked at. And that front porch is going to need a bit of work, for sure. And more.
Dear Dr. Kit…How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that’s gotten me to thinking… there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?
Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!
Emasculating embarrassments on the tether-ball court are a thing of the past, my toothy friend!
I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3… 2… 1…. Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, ‘kay?
Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don’t say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.
You made him cry, are you happy now? Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
The Justice League’s Christmas Parties, 1984 – 1997, at which point HR had to step in and get involved.
Is this new person you find so relatable someone that you’re actually related to? Let’s find out!
What, you’re still here? Haven’t you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don’t expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you’re about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ…
Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out…and more.
Bob Woodward’s apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency, next Tuesday’s book release Fear, is said to be an uncompromisingly critical take-down of our embarrassingly inept leader. There were so many horrible stories about Trump, in fact, that they wouldn’t all fit into the book. As with benefits to the poor and disadvantaged, cuts had to […]
Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh’s haircut reminds him of Judge Judy’s…and more.
Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad with Russian dressing Dictator tots North Korean BBQ ribs Warm lemonade Collusion-slaw A Werther’s Original candy that Ivanka has been wearing in her underpants for a week
Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn’t good for you. What a slap in the face! But don’t despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these…
*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff will more than likely be stolen on a regular basis *** Reading material. Some sort of magazine or book to read while eating / hanging out in the student union / waiting in the hall for class to open, so that you […]
Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.
Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR (“Lots of fine people on that show.”, Trump assured us) Sweep up random Rolo candies that had fallen beneath the Oval Office couch. (“Hey, those were all still okay!”, complained Trump) Drive Ivanka’s dirty laundry to the cleaners. (“Don’t do that… I can do that. […]
Areola Cola Amazing app that takes plain old breast milk and transforms it into refreshing, sparkling soda pop! Fanning MindMeld 3.0 Newly updated with exciting new features! Has Dakota Fanning been lurking around your home and/or place of employment? Find out with this newly redesigned app! What the heck is she up to? App-Alachia Boy, […]
MoviePass announced it is raising its price and cutting access to blockbusters. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and more changes are being rolled out to your MoviePass subscription: Monday through Thursday, only movies available star Ashton Kutcher and/or the Olsen Twins. 3D movies must be watched without 3D glasses. MoviePass participants can […]
Weekly Humorist Radio News, Breaking News…Into Little Pieces.
Within the next couple of months or so, there are going to be several new movies about superheroes! Not all cleavage is pleasing to the eye, and sometimes even has pimples. Aquaman is made fun of by guys who for the most part refuse to take their shirts off while in the pool. People playing […]
Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems. In creative mediums such as television and movies, this is just shameful. If these writers and producers were able to come up with new material, we wouldn’t have to be bringing you this, our third installment of these…Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows! Fear Factor On this reboot of the […]
Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon. Trump balloon that hovers above crowd and leaks poisonous gas (like Joker’s balloon in the Batman movie). Trump balloon with much static electricity, which then causes the Melania balloon to be instantly repelled. Trump balloon so full of hot air that it finally just pops, then falls and symbolically […]
Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.
During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled at his view of North Korea’s beaches, and was even inspired by what he saw as amazing real estate possibilities. I guess you’d call that viewing the world through orange-tinted glasses? And this was no rare, one time instance, sadly. Here are the […]
“G7? Aw, man… I could’ve had a V8!” “Hey, what’s with all of the borscht and beef stroganoff on the menu this time?” “No Mr. President, that’s just a conga line, not a human centipede.” “While these sessions will indeed cover the subject of gender equality, no, that doesn’t mean that you can grab anyone […]
Tovar’s Wide World Of Raisins: What seems initially to be a rather innocuous tour exploring the history of raisins in the country is instead awkward and unnecessarily sexual. For example, do you know how many raisins will fit into your bottom? Well, you will by the end of this tour. And did you know that […]
Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS, CAMERAS, CORDS. ANCHORS SITTING BEHIND DESK. BACKDROP OF CITYSCAPE BEHIND THEM WITH ‘ACTION NEWS’ LOGO. BRYCE ATWOOD Good evening, I’m Bryce Atwood… CHERYL ENGLISH And I’m Cheryl English… BOTH And this is the Channel 11 Six O’clock news. BRYCE ATWOOD Secret Security agents were […]
Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers George Foreman’s At-Home Anal Bleaching Kit I Can’t Believe It’s Nut Butter brand semen substitute Doggie Treats (made from real dog! Nacho cheese and ranch flavored varieties only) Workin’ Mirkin- The official pubic wig of the Chinese Peasants and Workers Democratic Party Glade Ghost B Gone air freshener and spiritual house cleanser […]
Roseanne has blamed her racist Tweet on the drug Ambien, which got us to thinking… If Ambien can be blamed for racism, then what are some of the less likely side effects of other drugs? Pretty scary, eh? Be prepared to go cold turkey after reading through these… Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs… […]
Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web…
“Chicken nuggets on the buffet!! The Trumps are coming??” “Look Meghan, I appreciate your position, but… you simply can’t have the Royal Guard tackle ladies that you hate during the bouquet toss.” “Yes, the ring is admittedly gorgeous… but the real wedding present is that he’s having MI6 kill a few of her enemies from high school.” […]
“Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay…. OKAY!! I said okay!!! Jesus Christ, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I was going to… I wanted to see if… what is this for again? Okay, okay. Can I do this sitting down? I’m just going to do this sitting down. I’m a prince for fuck’s sake, […]
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And difficult to navigate! Some people, who I call “light-bandits”, will try to rock your boat. They’ll look at you like you’re crazy whenever you open your mouth to express an opinion! Like you’re the crazy one! And hey, maybe you are! Who cares? Live […]
Iron Man is really pissed about Trump’s recent steel tariff decision. With Avengers Infinity War in theaters during spring, now comic book fans will have something to do on prom night. Clocking in at almost three hours, Infinity War is the most refreshingly honest example of advertising in years. Every other member of the Avengers, […]
That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other guests. Your insistence that if the invitation doesn’t specify that pants must be worn, then how are you supposed to know to wear pants? Out of consideration for the neighbors, if the party goes past ten you leave and then call the police. […]
Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away a box of kittens that his wife had gathered from underneath their front porch. Pants had to be applied in post via CGI onto both Comey and Stephanopoulos. While ordering a pizza during the interview, Comey used his FBI pizza discount, even though […]
Pages and pages of printed Melrose Place fan message board transcripts. Doubles from Trump’s Happy Meal Dragonball Z action figure set. A full shaven “little person” hypnotized into repeatedly doing the macarena non-stop. Pop-Tarts with the number of the beast branded onto the frosting (strawberry only). An evidence-shredder the size of person (sometimes called a wood-chipper). […]
After seeing this POLITICO article: Trump tries his hand at rewriting Washington Post headline. We thought, what other recent headline might be ‘Trumped’ into sounding a bit more favorable… “Pussy Pressed Onto Hand Of Trump Without Prior Consent” “Maniacal, Dwarfish North Korean Leader Provokes Cool-Headed Trump” “Heavy Chested Actress Fantasizes About Affair That Never Happened With Dreamy Leader […]
Members of Trump’s organization threatened Stormy following the affair, saying things like “We’ll tell people that you had sex with Donald Trump. People will know that you had sex with Donald Trump. Can you imagine how that will lower their opinion of you? They’ll think that you’re really gross! And you’re already a porno actress, so […]
In regards to Putin’s reelection win, Trump’s advisors had to write in all caps, DO NOT CONGRATULATE, when Trump spoke with Putin recently. He ignored it, of course. And if you think that’s bad, which it certainly is, then check out some of these other… ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump DO NOT REFER TO THOSE […]
This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just over $138,000 at Trump branded properties in the first eight months of Donald Trump’s presidency. Those charges, uncovered! (Provided courtesy of Department of Defense and Entertainment Tonight) 14 OnDemand showings of Stormy Daniels film, Hail To The Queef $150 Special, Deluxe Stress-Reducing Massages for […]
Trauma incurred by having accidentally glimpsing his scabby, liver-spotted head sans wig. The amount of McDonald’s burger cheese dolloped onto her in bed with Trump was more extensive and grotesque than any bukakke scene she’s ever filmed. She didn’t realize that he would become president and drag her good name through the mud. If she […]
Hope Hicks Former White House Communications Director, current woman in sweatpants drinking pinot on the couch while binging The Bachelor. Fuck yeah, bitches!!! I was a former public relations expert working in the world of fashion, where I worked diligently to keep spotless and attractive the outward appearances and reputations of those who are in […]
You’ve heard of rats deserting a sinking ship, right? Well, many of the NRA’s corporate sponsors are bidding them adieu, following the latest school shooting and the subsequent public outcry. Now here’s hoping that the captain of said leaky boat, Wayne LaPierre, will be going down with the ship as well. Into shark infested waters. […]
Being a soulless, Conservative windbag isn’t as easy or fun as it looks. It’s a lot of hard work, folks! So when it’s been another rough day at CPAC, what do these guys do afterwards to have a little much-needed fun? Merrily enjoy footage of high school shootings with wacky, sports-bloopers type sound effects added to […]
President Trump is a regular user of Tinkler, the Tinder off-shoot for urine aficionados. Ivanka Trump has plenty of blood on her hands as well, but only because she finds it to be a reliable skin rejuvenating treatment. The reason that Melania appears to be so out of it and emotionless much of the time? […]
6 am – 11:18 am: Busy work until the president arrives at the White House. 12:45 pm: The president typically rushes immediately to the restroom upon arriving at the White House, so give him some breathing room (and definitely give the presidential stall some breathing room). 1:14 pm: Dictate several Tweets from Trump. Attempt to […]
We asked, you answered. Results from our first Weekly Humorist Sex Toy Reader Survey! Glade PlugIns Despite misleading name of product, not intended to be used a butt plug (according to ER personnel). The Destroyer What was this supposed to have destroyed? My relationship with my husband? Okay, maybe. But my genitals are fine! Vibrating Egg […]
Listen to this article. Muff Divers Trinity and her gang get a tip on a sunken treasure of extremely valuable Ming Dynasty ear-muffs, and so it’s back in their diving suits for more deep sea adventures! Featuring special guest star and Don Knotts impersonator Felipe Gunderson. America’s Got Toe Lint From the creators of the inexplicably […]
You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy about the recent government shutdown, being that it comes at the same time as his one year anniversary as president, and at a time when his administration is under much turmoil. If that’s the case, then you’re apparently giving the situation more thought than anyone […]
Listen to this article. What are we reading this week? Grandma, Why Does Your Laundry Hamper Smell Like Deviled Eggs? by Erma Bombeck Erma Bombeck was never one to allow the ravages of senility and dementia keep her from culling together a collection of humorous essays, or from going to Safeway while wearing only […]
Turn The Orange Cheek Prayer Warriors Small Hands, Big Heart The Thoughts & Prayers DACA Is Ca-Ca Jesus Was White Hell Is The Worst S-Hole God Hates Facts Build A Wall Between Me And Sin The Carpenter The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways MC MethoDissed The Seven Trump-ets Of The Lord GeneSis Boom Ba He’s […]
Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive with a group of scantily clad, attractive women. President Trump has spent the last several months attempting to coordinate a meeting with Mayor McCheese. Ivanka seems passive-aggressive about her father’s presidential antics in part due to her regularly being assigned Presidential Diaper Duty. The […]
1) They’re oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner’s name during intercourse. 2) It’s really uncomfortable, even inadvisable, to have sex in the shower (see also, “The Really Serious Problems With Having Sex With Other Humans”). 3) The clitoris ridiculously close to the self-destruct button. 4) After several years of ownership, bug in operating system causes fellatio to disappear from the […]
Woo! Hey everybody, how’s it going? I have to say… I was just born a few hours ago, and already it’s been rough. You see this top hat that I’m wearing? I was born with this fucking thing on my head! Don’t worry about my mom, she didn’t feel a thing. The woman has loose morals, and […]
Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight. The party consists of a bunch of alcoholics drinking sparkling grape juice and playing board games, meanwhile you haven’t even earned your six month chip yet and were hoping to fall off the wagon and make a series of escalating bad choices. There […]
Just in time to swoop in and save his frail, trembling ego, Israel is naming a high speed rail station after President Trump. Eager to curry favor with the bloated sex criminal that’s currently nesting in the White House, other countries are currently following suite. Here are the unpleasant, but perhaps expected, results… The Trump […]
Rapist! Harvey Weinstein’s cologne for men (30% infused rose-water, 70% chloroform). IFoam Sprays soft layer of foam on all nearby surfaces. Great for people who are constantly dropping their IPhone. Donald Trump’s Breath Spray Ever wondered what the president’s breath smells like first thing in the morning? Just like it does any other time of […]
There is a disturbance in the Force. Or perhaps its simply that many Star Wars fan boys are emotionally stunted man-babies. Regardless of the reason, lots of Star Wars fans are very unhappy with the latest chapter in the series. But why? Jabba The Hutt revealed to be a dateless, socially-incapable introvert in his mid-forties who […]
Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that are all the rage? Well, those are nice if you can afford them. Instead, why not rent one of our drug mules from Moscow? They’re accustomed to smuggling vast quantities of drugs in their rectal cavities, so assisting you in sneaking a flask or […]
Hi Anthony, Thanks for the nice letter! But as I’ve said time and time again, please refrain from sending Mrs. Claus the Polaroid photos of your genitalia. That sort of thing is very inappropriate, and could very easily tip you over into “naughty list” territory. Keep it in your pants, son. Santa *********************************************************** Hi Kim, I appreciate […]
Under Net Neutrality, all women on YouPorn now look sort of like your mom. Donald Trump’s Tweets will be beamed directly into your brain, along with the faint scent of urine-soaked hamster-cage shavings. If you friend request someone on Facebook, it gives them the right to immediately move into your home. It will once again be less expensive to take […]
Fox Executive 1: Now this is exciting! A chance to remind people what we’re made of… original, cutting edge programming. We don’t follow trends, we are the trend! The Four is going to be that new concept that rewrites the rules of hot, hip television! Fox Executive 2: Exactly! Plus, it’s exactly like American Idol […]
No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring to it as “mistle-blow”. Those choosing to sit on Santa’s lap must be wearing pants. Santa as well must be wearing pants. No pretending that eggnog is anything but what it is. No referring to it as “nut nog” or “running down your leg nog”. […]
Super-powered individuals are placed on a pedestal in our society, due to the fact that many are actual heroes. But at the end of the day, they are just celebrities, and susceptible to the weaknesses and foibles of other, similar folk (plus, Kryptonite). Here are a few recent, unfortunate examples… Recent Justice League Sexual Harassment Allegations Batman […]
With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey in general, and in particular the upcoming film All The Money In The World, we recently sat down with Motion Picture Association Of America President Chris Dodd. When he got up and quickly left, we decided to instead ask the waiter at his table about […]
Nov 5: Spend half an hour explaining to the Asian press that he’s not Mothra in embryonic form. Nov 6: During state dinner in Japan, grab octopus from plate and hide in pocket in order to scare Melania with later. Nov 9: Attend East Asia Summit in bathrobe, figuring that other attendees will simply assume […]
The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, causing conspiracy theorists and history buffs alike to lose their collective minds. As it turns out, and as is true with most things in life, it turned out to not be such a big deal. During the month of […]
I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone VeryNormal Activity The EggsOrToast The Charlie Sheening The Ring-Dings A Timeshare On Elm St. The Hills Have Ice Cream The Blair Underwood Project The Amen Children of the UniCorn
Fine Person Comes with shaved-head skull cap or KKK hood, plus t-shirt displaying a Confederate flag or swastika. Tiki torches available, but not included with costume. Current Trump Supporter Comes with one set of horse-training blinders, as well as a fake lobotomy scar to place on your forehead! Can also be worn the following month […]
“So, yeah… sad, very sad. It’s a shame that he wasn’t working in a Trump Tower, I guess. Those planes would have just bounced right off of a Trump Tower. I have the best towers… they knew better than to even try. Your brother wouldn’t be a smudge of chunky ash now, if he’d been working in […]
Web-shooters go off accidentally while riding on the subway, gluing him to an insane homeless man for several hours. All members of the Sinister Six come out of the closet on the same day, prompting TMZ to proclaim he’s anti-LGBT. Catches his girlfriend in the act with an arch-nemesis, “draining The Lizard” if you know […]
Visit the island and do a rain dance. Ensure that paper towels being thrown at flood victims are generic brand only. Ask which half of island population were Crips, and which half were Bloods. Make sure that Care Packages contain at least on copy of catalogs featuring Ivanka designed clothing and shoes. Offer to fund […]
Asking to see the “toilet wine list”. Handing out drawings of his genitals to fellow inmates. Taking great pains to show off his tattoo of the Olsen Twins while in the communal shower. Attempting to apply the “finders keepers” rule to a pack of Winston Reds dropped by the second in command of Lord Mamba’s […]
A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in a Japanese household; to not do so would be an insult to your hosts. Most clubs have a two drink minimum, but drinking cup of someone else’s tinkle does not go towards this total. Please, no more than seven people […]
Buttock Moisteners, PI– Adventures of NYC detectives who moisten their buttocks with a soaked sponge of coconut water before hitting the mean streets of their city. USA Network, Tuesdays at 7pm Mr T’s World Of Cheese– Sure, Mr T may be lactose intolerant, but that’s not going to keep him from eating all the cheese […]
So you’ve wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane. Good for you! This isn’t about being stubborn or stupid, right? It’s sticking by your guns, dancing with the one who brung you, and so on. You probably have no regrets about having voted for Trump either, do you? Adorable. Well, let’s see what we can […]
Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with NYC’s Pizza Rat. Finally trade in all of those game tickets that he’s been stealing over the years. Check into rehab for some much overdo help with his crushed red pepper and grated cheese dependency. Come clean to his past lovers about his various STDs, as well […]
Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming. Your new nickname amongst friends is “Monsieur Eclipse Lips”. Your hairline now recedes, into another dimension. Your eyebrow dandruff has seemingly been transformed into bacon bits. Your baby keeps bursting info flames when you try to breast feed. When you removed the special glasses, the […]
1) Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious damage to your eyes; if you’ve already spent the last several years watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians, however, you should probably be fine. 2) If the moon is indeed made of green cheese, then it will undoubtedly melt quickly while in such close proximity to the […]
“Wonderful… beautiful, even… penmanship on some of those venomous, bile-spewing banners and signs.” “The craftsmanship that obviously went into the making of those Nazi flags… can you imagine the time and hard work? It shows a real flair and talent for design, I’ll tell you that.” “Have you ever seen such a large group of […]
Many of these marching white supremacist idiots have been exposed on the internet, and suddenly find themselves without a job. Poor guys! That’s unfortunate. New job opportunities will surely be knocking their door down any day now, but in the meantime, here are a few suggestions to tide them over… Janitor at clinic for patients […]
Day 1 “Journal… may I call you Journal? Today was sort of a rough day. I’ve ignored and dismissed it for some time now, but have to admit that the continuous onslaught of comments regarding my golfing schedule has begun to get to me a bit. Is there any truth to these harsh words? Do […]
Trump speaks from behind his desk in the Oval Office: “Listen, I feel really bad about all of you big babies getting so butt hurt about accidentally hearing me call the White House a ‘dump’. In that moment, I was speaking as a slum-lord, and not as the President. And listen, let me tell you, […]
Booked a spot on Celebrity Big Brother Straightened the paper clip drawers (big paper clips are in the right-hand drawer, smaller paper clips in the left). Got a lot of things off of his chest, now ready to start over with a clean slate. Stepped out the way so that Ted Nugent could get the […]
What is it you boys do? You tie knots and so on, and get badges for it? Let me tell you… no one ties bigger knots than me. I’ve got this administration so tied up in knots… Harry Houdini himself couldn’t get out of this bullshit. I think that… you’d have to go back many […]
Sandra’s Café Hilarious antics ensue when Sandra and the gang accidentally serve cheeseburger pate’ to a vegan Satanist. ( Tuesday, 7pm, FOX) CS-Ike, Mississippi In this premiere episode of the ninth season, Det. Ambrose and her team continue their mission of investigating domestic violence cases involving Ike Turner. ( Wednesday, 10pm, CBS) The Human Centipede […]
The White House Wifi password is password. The place underneath the Oval Office couch cushion where he hides all of his Milky Way bars. His secret tickle-spot. The location of that house where they film The Bachelor. Melania’s safe word: “No, not tonight either, sorry.” The identity of the killer on Riverdale (Sergei is really […]
Bryan Champlin CEO, Faust & Furious Ad Agency 1158 Rivers Bend Lane Orphchank, CA 90527 Dear Mr. Champlin, First off, thank you so much to you and your team for tending to the advertising needs of Grams’ Jams. We are a small, niche company, and we appreciate the attention to detail that your […]
Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava cake, but do not eat them. Try, at least. Save on your water bill by hiring a few homeless people spit on your garden. Gardening in a full suit of armor may seem like a bad idea, but… actually, that is a bad idea. Yeah, don’t […]
Wet Lemonade T-Shirt Contests with several of the neighborhood moms. Medicine cup shot of prescription cough syrup added to any glass for an extra two bucks. Hire the wheelchair-bound kid from down the street to sit in front of your lemonade stand. Answers to next week’s history quiz printed on certain cups. Half price refills […]
1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as “evidence”. 2) They didn’t mow the lawn before setting up, and their biggest selling item is insect and small rodent repellent. 3) All Velcro items for sale must be removed from their display: the family uncle’s shirtless, hairy back. 4) Customers are allowed to “try out” […]
(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable to meet his own gaze, he instead stares over his own shoulder in the reflection. He is unkempt, and appears troubled.) You’re going to have a great press conference today! And you’re going to help this country. You’re good enough, smart enough, and […]
The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several inebriating elixirs and then attempt to write a haiku. The results: Er…pretty much what you would expect… Alcohol Getting drunk again, It feels really nice at first. Crap! Who fingered me? Heroin Nice warm fluid rush, Not a care in the entire world. What tastes […]
1) Most inexpensive motels don’t have room service, but that homeless guy in the parking lot will probably run to Wendy’s for you. 2) When traveling with the wife and kids to a moderately priced hotel, be sure to request a “No Molesting / No Snuff Movies Filmed Here” room. 3) Accidentally swallowing a used […]
Trump’s budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this country’s juvenile detention centers, which means that the quality of the literature donated to these facilities may suffer quite a bit as well. As proof, here’s this year’s approved list of assigned reading materials from current state-run juvenile detention centers: Teabagging Gwynn by […]
President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed for years early in his adult years with The Flying Wallendas, pranked the American people by years by faking a clumsy nature. First Lady Nancy Reagan was quite the jokester, using the prank-loving holiday to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom she shared with the President […]
“Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point of being quite ill. So if I appear a bit green around the edges, that’s why. And hey, since green and yellow combine to make brown, I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m being kicked out of the box. That’s […]
The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1) Denial– “I know that we’re leaving Europe, but we’re not really leaving leaving. We can still be friends, to start. And then, who knows? Maybe we can get together again some day. I feel like Europe will always be there for us, […]
We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day, and it filled our offices with excitement! Well, “filled the office” might be the wrong term, as we actually had to evacuate the offices upon realizing that we had received a package from Samsung. And “excitement” might not be exactly right either. But […]
Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of a paper bag, but a large robotic suit is another story. Michael Keaton in a fluffy fur collar makes him appear either terrifying, or like the old queen who really shouldn’t still be hanging out at the club. You can still […]
(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers On A Budget) Crime scenes If you’re living in the type of neighborhood that the average college student can afford, then your part of town probably has several active crime scenes, maybe even next door! The real motivation behind spring break is having a […]
JFK’s handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years, missing pages have been found to complete this piece of history of the famed 35th President. March 16th, 1961: Diary, today is an amazing day! I’ve only been the leader of this great country for a bit more than a month, and […]
Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we’re being honest, the meatballs are usually a bit undercooked. But we slather them in so much Russian dressing, literally drenched in Russian dressing, that you’ll barely be able to taste the meatballs anyway. $9.50 Pencing A Loaf Not much to this, quite frankly. A plain loaf […]
No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into a rib-cage is so much more effective. Fighting Is No Way To Spend Any Holiday Let those other jokers tire themselves out with drunken brawling, then you can swoop in and steal their broads. Offer Aid To Those Who Are Confused And Sick […]
Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply been standing too close to the restaurant’s food-warmer heating lamps while impatiently waiting for your wings. You pile your unwashed underwear onto your tv room floor while watching games, so that you can capture some of that genuine locker room aroma. While lovemaking, you […]
Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the Archie Comics Universe, has proven to be a huge hit! This is yet more evidence that most people aren’t too choosy about what they watch, which we already knew, and also means that we’ll probably be seeing plenty of similar shows popping up very soon. So […]
YOU can be as great of a liar as Jeff Sessions!! It’s true!! Or, false….? And it’s easy! At least, he seems to have no trouble doing it nonstop. Jeff Sez: “Gwan now! S’easy, n fun, to tull tall tay-uls, wun nawn cun stan wut yer sayin’. Yegettit?” Translation: “Go on now! It’s easy and fun […]
When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece of ratty furniture in a brothel, be sure to do so in a manner most becoming of a lady. The shit in this house is old and expensive, so please, be careful!! For example, when sliding a genuine silver candlestick holder into your […]
Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape. Jimmy Kimmel allowed to host. Edgar Blount, a homeless man who attacked Pee Wee Herman with a claw hammer back in the 80’s, was left off of the “In Memoriam” list. Caitlyn Jenner couldn’t have any drinks, as she was having to hold her tinkle in […]
Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka’s sassy line of products. Glenn McCoy’s political cartoons take up every square inch of your comics section. You’ve managed to convince both of your teenage daughters to have their abortions reversed. The only trans that your paper mentions are the Trans Ams in the automotive […]
☐ Why no White History Month? Have someone look into that. ☐ Need to get more likes from black people on Twitter! Must make this a priority. Maybe start something called “Black Likes Matter“? Yes! Pretty sure that they’d love that! ☐ Begin plans to make another wall, but this time, a wall that they’ll […]
Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged Marilyn Monroe and FDR was trans. But what do you really know about our past Commander in Chiefs? Teddy Roosevelt would regularly hire a woman to pretend that she has the right to vote while also gingerly fingering his bottom. Gerald Ford would […]
Your Fist Is On My List Four Fingers?!? Please? I Washed It. Nag Me Mornin After Pill Poison! JK:) Murder Suicide Pact? Dutch Ovens R Hot Love Suppository Contagio-US Chlamydia Any Mountain
To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take a drink every time… Beyonce’s twins somehow win an award for something. Rihanna flinches while being handed a Grammy. Someone at your party mutters “What the fuck…” when Sia comes onscreen. Adele has to be reminded of the “Everyone should get […]
Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend. Well, there is Donald, of course. But just between you and me, this is very much like favorite food being a cheesy American fast-food hamburger; you do enjoy quite a bit, but would rather not admit in public. And also, causes much gas. So that […]
President Trump’s interview with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News really hit a nerve with the Kremlin over the weekend. They were offended by the term ‘killers’ and have asked Fox News to issue an apology. But this isn’t the first time Russia has asked the US for an apology, some other things that the Kremlin would […]
I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before I could swallow them all, I fell asleep. So I woke up the following morning with thirty five pieces of gum stuck in my hair. Luckily my hair always kind of looks like it has thirty five pieces of gum stuck in it, so […]
So now Kellyanne Conway is referring to a “Bowling Green Massacre”, which according to all news outlets, isn’t really even a thing. Kellyanne, you rascal! This made us all warm and nostalgic for all of Kellyanne’s other ‘Alternative Facts’ over the past several months. Take our hand and join us for a sentimental walk down memory lane, […]
Hey, are you there God? It’s me, Donald. To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure that I believe it you. I did win the election, though, so that points to your existence being at least possible. And did you see all of those people at the inauguration? I feel like you must have […]
New trade agreement discussions with Chile (“Mostly because I love those baby back rib things. Delicious.” remarked Trump) Tube Top Tuesdays every week (“But no fatties.” cautioned Trump) Secret Service ordered to shoot Alec Baldwin on site. Illegal Mexican immigrants who are making regular submissions to YouPorn allowed to stay in the country (“After a […]
Trump wasn’t in office for even a day when he made several notable changes to the White House website, including removing any references to global warming, as well as info about Melania-made jewely (sadly, not a joke). What can we expect next? And why does it matter, since most Trump supporters don’t know how to […]
Demonic/zombie bald eagle with dead dove in it’s mouth: 174 Rebel flag as Superman’s cape: 238 Jesus as crying Native American as passing car throws out an aborted fetus as litter: 105 Sad angel standing at Dale Earnhardt’s grave: 78 Smiling Jesus using rebel flag as a parachute: 156 Klu Klux Klan couple holding KKK […]
Sure guns in schools can do SOME bad things, but what’s the REAL threat to our nations youth? Grizzly Bears. We need to do more to prevent these Active Bear Situations (ABS) and thank goodness Trump Secretary of Education pick Betsy DeVos has brought this epidemic to light. But why stop at allowing guns to […]
Don’t despair, folks! All is not lost! Just mostly… Quit being a baby You’ll probably feel better in a day or two. The Bible Belt While wearing this belt, the power of your prayers increases by up to 60%!! Also gives off a pleasant vapor action to aid in clearing the sinuses. Available by […]
Bankrupt after having to bail out so many clowns who had been arrested on To Catch A Predator. Animals kept getting killed by Donald Trump’s sons. Bad couple of weeks last year during which all of the trapeze artists had a really bad stomach virus with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, and no budget to […]
1. Look, we know why you’re here. You’re going to have sex. And that’s fine; your life, and so on. But please don’t leave your used condoms just laying around. There are many different animals living in these woods, and many don’t know better than to try and eat the contents of said condoms. And […]
Best Performance By An Actor/Actress Trying To Bounce Back From An Alcohol/Drug Fueled Crime Spree Best Nude Scene By An Aging Actress Trying Desperately To Remain Relevant Best Speech By An Actor/Actress On A Talk Show, Lying Through Their Teeth About The Movie That They Know Is Unwatchable Horseshit Best Looking The Other Way While […]
Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that I’m able to finally quit smoking? I’m afraid that my boyfriend might leave me otherwise. -Nancy Dear Magic 8 Ball, Okay, um… about that smoking thing? And my boyfriend? -Nancy Dear Magic 8 Ball, I recently discovered that my wife has […]
Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on immediately by her insanely tight and inappropriate costume. She wasn’t told that she would actually have to sing. Forgot that her deal with Satan ran out exactly at midnight, December 31, 2016. Just naturally assumed that everyone would be starting at her boobs, and wouldn’t even […]
More robots per episode than an entire season of Westworld. The original title of the show was going to be “Chlamydia Island”. Losers forced to choose between death or being cast on an MTV2 reality show. The scent of female desperation that hangs over the mansion is burning a hole in the ozone layer. In regards to […]
