New Pandemic Businesses
Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called "sort of like 'The Far Side', but more offbeat and often much funnier" by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!
Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.
Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!
We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.
Mai-Tide: Chill 4 Tide pods in a freezer overnight. Place chilled pods into a glass, then puncture each pod. Pour Mai Tai contents over pods.
Dear Nuts… You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”. And I’m not going to do it. Nope. Please discontinue this nonsense.
Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.
The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.
The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.
You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!
That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco? Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.
Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.
The Punisher: Rather than the typical gang-members, killers and other assorted criminals, The Punisher has taken to targeting people who don’t cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing.
Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person’s cardboard-box.
Lured him in with 4 Big Macs. 3 didn’t do it. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart!
Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.
Chapter Seven: Mister Pi-Stash-io: Isn’t saying that he’s partially responsible for the recent death of Mr. Peanut, but isn’t exactly denying it either.
Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don’t steal anything before they leave. And more.
We can all agree that ‘Cards Against Humanity’ is a nifty game, right? We got to thinking, though, and came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game. Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make…
‘Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats’, ‘Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic’, and more!
Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you’re wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you’ve earned it.
OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you’ve run over in your truck. And More.
After a blurry night of fun with bath salts Kevin McAllister burns down The Plaza Hotel.
Small vial of bird flu, Flyer for local club where daughter works as an exotic dancer. Self-published booklet of inspirational sayings by your mom. And more!
If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.
Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!
Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)
Mother May I? (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!
These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.
M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!
Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can’t Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!
Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.
Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!
Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.
Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim’s commode. When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!
Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn’t possible.
Downton Abbey is based on the television show of the same name, and concerns the problems and concerns of a group of unlikable rich white people; oddly enough, it was broadcast on PBS rather than CNN.
It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).
I’m Proud Of My Son, Even Though He’s Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.
America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)
KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.
I’m your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost! Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we’re the real Temptation Island!
It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited. Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.
Explaining rap lyrics to the elderly, and more!
“And we’d also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates.”
Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.
Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?
All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.
Need to get away? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!
Can’t get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.
Debatable demo. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike’s friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he’s forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)
You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”? That same rule should be applied to picnics. Pants, however, are completely optional.
Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…
The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.
Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.
The “game” referred to in the series title is Connect Four.
Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.
Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, “What can I get for you, buddy?”. Barr replies, “It’s been a rough week. Better make it something stiff.” The bartender then says, “Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?”
Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.
(additional editor’s note: all of Mr. Mueller’s advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)
We’ve totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you “accidentally” load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You’re very lucky that we like you.
Work Risks. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Behold, the word of the ‘Splat’. Cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
The words, “No Collusion” had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn’t even wipe them off of the walls before the next day’s tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.
Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)
Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.
Didn’t you receive my form 1040-FU? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!
They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.
Who’s Bad? He’s bad. Really, really bad. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Spring has sprung! But it will cost you. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious…
During the St. Paddy’s parade,
Through vomit, I had to wade,
Smells like garbage and piss,
Why do people like this?
Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.
Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they’ve found in the torture-room of their parents’ opulent home. (AMC) and more.
Cohen wasn’t stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the “Dress Your Own Baked Potato” bar that was being set up just off camera.
And we thought Scroktux Cril was annoying! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident
Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.
Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,
Not really sure what I’m comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby’s Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell’s shoe there, and well, here I am.
‘Explain salad’, ‘Trap Pelosi in a cage’, ‘Wall made of CHEESE?’ And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.
Don’t forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he’ll always… always… be Donald Trump’s bitch.
Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.
What incredible path will you choose!? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
I’ve heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!
Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let’s face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is.
Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!
RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio’s proposed shared “RebaVerse”. And more.
Here’s A List Of What’s Coming To Netflix For December, 2018… American Hoarder Story The Mensch Who Stole Hanukkah Godzilla Vs. The Bachelor Marvel After Dark- Ant-Man and The Wasp In “Bed Bugs” That’s A Great Blumpkin, Charlie Brown Downton Arby’s Scrotal Recall How To Get Away With […]
LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.
“Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza” audiobook, 54 cents, and more.
I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole…you get it.
Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.
Call your mom and let her tell you about what’s been happening on Grey’s Anatomy. See if David Hasselhoff will accept your Facebook friend request. And more.
Once you’ve voted, please don’t then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?
Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas stocking candy for your kids. Those little monsters will never pause stuffing their faces long enough to notice that it’s stale. Fake body parts from Halloween front porch display can be reused to play a funny prank on your kids involving the supposed death and […]
Thomas’ House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom’s dickhead boyfriend is going to be in town and crashing with them. So we’ll have to keep it down a bit, and no foods with strong smells. Still, always a great time, so show up early for a good spot on the couch […]
Tattoos of everyone’s name that you’ve met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.
The Amityville Horror: The house is no longer haunted, but there are a few foundation problems that probably need to be looked at. And that front porch is going to need a bit of work, for sure. And more.
Dear Dr. Kit…How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that’s gotten me to thinking… there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?
Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!
Emasculating embarrassments on the tether-ball court are a thing of the past, my toothy friend!
I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3… 2… 1…. Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, ‘kay?
Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don’t say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.
You made him cry, are you happy now? Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
The Justice League’s Christmas Parties, 1984 – 1997, at which point HR had to step in and get involved.
Is this new person you find so relatable someone that you’re actually related to? Let’s find out!
What, you’re still here? Haven’t you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don’t expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you’re about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ…
Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out…and more.
Bob Woodward’s apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency, next Tuesday’s book release Fear, is said to be an uncompromisingly critical take-down of our embarrassingly inept leader. There were so many horrible stories about Trump, in fact, that they wouldn’t all fit into the book. As with benefits to the poor and disadvantaged, cuts had to […]
Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh’s haircut reminds him of Judge Judy’s…and more.
Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad with Russian dressing Dictator tots North Korean BBQ ribs Warm lemonade Collusion-slaw A Werther’s Original candy that Ivanka has been wearing in her underpants for a week
Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn’t good for you. What a slap in the face! But don’t despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these…
*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff will more than likely be stolen on a regular basis *** Reading material. Some sort of magazine or book to read while eating / hanging out in the student union / waiting in the hall for class to open, so that you […]
Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.
Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR (“Lots of fine people on that show.”, Trump assured us) Sweep up random Rolo candies that had fallen beneath the Oval Office couch. (“Hey, those were all still okay!”, complained Trump) Drive Ivanka’s dirty laundry to the cleaners. (“Don’t do that… I can do that. […]
Areola Cola Amazing app that takes plain old breast milk and transforms it into refreshing, sparkling soda pop! Fanning MindMeld 3.0 Newly updated with exciting new features! Has Dakota Fanning been lurking around your home and/or place of employment? Find out with this newly redesigned app! What the heck is she up to? App-Alachia Boy, […]
MoviePass announced it is raising its price and cutting access to blockbusters. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and more changes are being rolled out to your MoviePass subscription: Monday through Thursday, only movies available star Ashton Kutcher and/or the Olsen Twins. 3D movies must be watched without 3D glasses. MoviePass participants can […]
Weekly Humorist Radio News, Breaking News…Into Little Pieces.
Within the next couple of months or so, there are going to be several new movies about superheroes! Not all cleavage is pleasing to the eye, and sometimes even has pimples. Aquaman is made fun of by guys who for the most part refuse to take their shirts off while in the pool. People playing […]
Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems. In creative mediums such as television and movies, this is just shameful. If these writers and producers were able to come up with new material, we wouldn’t have to be bringing you this, our third installment of these…Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows! Fear Factor On this reboot of the […]
Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon. Trump balloon that hovers above crowd and leaks poisonous gas (like Joker’s balloon in the Batman movie). Trump balloon with much static electricity, which then causes the Melania balloon to be instantly repelled. Trump balloon so full of hot air that it finally just pops, then falls and symbolically […]
Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.
During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled at his view of North Korea’s beaches, and was even inspired by what he saw as amazing real estate possibilities. I guess you’d call that viewing the world through orange-tinted glasses? And this was no rare, one time instance, sadly. Here are the […]
“G7? Aw, man… I could’ve had a V8!” “Hey, what’s with all of the borscht and beef stroganoff on the menu this time?” “No Mr. President, that’s just a conga line, not a human centipede.” “While these sessions will indeed cover the subject of gender equality, no, that doesn’t mean that you can grab anyone […]
Tovar’s Wide World Of Raisins: What seems initially to be a rather innocuous tour exploring the history of raisins in the country is instead awkward and unnecessarily sexual. For example, do you know how many raisins will fit into your bottom? Well, you will by the end of this tour. And did you know that […]
Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS, CAMERAS, CORDS. ANCHORS SITTING BEHIND DESK. BACKDROP OF CITYSCAPE BEHIND THEM WITH ‘ACTION NEWS’ LOGO. BRYCE ATWOOD Good evening, I’m Bryce Atwood… CHERYL ENGLISH And I’m Cheryl English… BOTH And this is the Channel 11 Six O’clock news. BRYCE ATWOOD Secret Security agents were […]
Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers George Foreman’s At-Home Anal Bleaching Kit I Can’t Believe It’s Nut Butter brand semen substitute Doggie Treats (made from real dog! Nacho cheese and ranch flavored varieties only) Workin’ Mirkin- The official pubic wig of the Chinese Peasants and Workers Democratic Party Glade Ghost B Gone air freshener and spiritual house cleanser […]
Roseanne has blamed her racist Tweet on the drug Ambien, which got us to thinking… If Ambien can be blamed for racism, then what are some of the less likely side effects of other drugs? Pretty scary, eh? Be prepared to go cold turkey after reading through these… Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs… […]
Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web…
“Chicken nuggets on the buffet!! The Trumps are coming??” “Look Meghan, I appreciate your position, but… you simply can’t have the Royal Guard tackle ladies that you hate during the bouquet toss.” “Yes, the ring is admittedly gorgeous… but the real wedding present is that he’s having MI6 kill a few of her enemies from high school.” […]
“Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay…. OKAY!! I said okay!!! Jesus Christ, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I was going to… I wanted to see if… what is this for again? Okay, okay. Can I do this sitting down? I’m just going to do this sitting down. I’m a prince for fuck’s sake, […]
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And difficult to navigate! Some people, who I call “light-bandits”, will try to rock your boat. They’ll look at you like you’re crazy whenever you open your mouth to express an opinion! Like you’re the crazy one! And hey, maybe you are! Who cares? Live […]
Iron Man is really pissed about Trump’s recent steel tariff decision. With Avengers Infinity War in theaters during spring, now comic book fans will have something to do on prom night. Clocking in at almost three hours, Infinity War is the most refreshingly honest example of advertising in years. Every other member of the Avengers, […]
That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other guests. Your insistence that if the invitation doesn’t specify that pants must be worn, then how are you supposed to know to wear pants? Out of consideration for the neighbors, if the party goes past ten you leave and then call the police. […]
Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away a box of kittens that his wife had gathered from underneath their front porch. Pants had to be applied in post via CGI onto both Comey and Stephanopoulos. While ordering a pizza during the interview, Comey used his FBI pizza discount, even though […]