Entries by Kit Lively


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Summer 2021 Pool Rules

No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They’re Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!

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James Bond Meets QAnon

QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond…. this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you’re instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy’s psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!

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Last Minute Mothers’ Day Gift Ideas

Tapioca Rocca- Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers’ Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don’t actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.

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Russian Roulette With The Easter Bunny

“C’mon Dave, are we doing this or not?” he asked, tapping his cigarette and allowing ashes to drop onto the floor of the kitchen.
“It’s getting late, and those kiddies will all be rising and shining soon.”

Best Of 2021

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

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Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn’t use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you’re all set for the ultimate staycation!

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Upcoming Crazy Twists on The Walking Dead

That one guy? You know, the guy who’s friends with the main guy? He gets separated from the group during a zombie attack!

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Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She’s been looking at David’s Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

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Q & Anon- Top Questions From QAnon’s Website FAQ

Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you’re wiping at all, you’re several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.

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Other Crazy QAnon Conspiracy Theories

Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!

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Punishing Trump With AddenDUMBS To The 25th Amendment

25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!

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Truly Terrible Ways To Santa-Proof Your Home

Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops. So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?

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Upcoming 2020 Holiday TV Specials

The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)

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Santa’s Secrets

Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that’s why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.

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Trump Turkey Pardon

We just need a signature here, here and here….everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there’s any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey’s family. Like the turkey’s sons, just as one example.

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Fun Tips To Shaving Your Dad’s Back

Needing to earn a bit of extra money on the side? Scoop up the latest batch of your dad’s back-hair trimmings and sell to your stepmother for use in her collection of ex-husband voodoo dolls.

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The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition

Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks.    Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.

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Other Methods Of Keeping Trump In Line At The Debate

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

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Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

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Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace’s debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

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Weekly Humorist’s Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening’s debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

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Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy’s Xanax. And more!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

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Pick-Up Lines To Use At A Trump Rally

“Hey good lookin’, could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?”

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Upcoming Headlines We’re Sure To See…

“Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present” “Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol” And more.

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Even More Specialized New Streaming Services!

Selleck-Select: Have you ever been watching a tv show or movie and thought to yourself, “This is okay, I guess… but sure would be a lot better if all of the characters were sporting a Tom
Selleck-style stache!” Then you’re in for a real treat with Selleck-Select!

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The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Magazine Rack

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

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Good Jobs For Bad Cops

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

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COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed…

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

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New Pandemic Businesses

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Bar Fly

Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.

Best of 2020

QUARANTEEN Magazine

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

Best of 2020

Pandemericks

We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

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Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear – Veterinary Queries

Dear Nuts…   You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”.   And I’m not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

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Revised Days of the Week

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

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Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

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Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine’s Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart!

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Prince Andrew Re-canned

Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don’t steal anything before they leave. And more.

Best of 2020

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that ‘Cards Against Humanity’ is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make…

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Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests

‘Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats’, ‘Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic’, and more!

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What To Expect When You’re Expecting Articles Of Impeachment

If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.

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A Modern Thanksgiving Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)

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Here’s What’s Coming To Netflix

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

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Other Presidential Conspiracy Theories

Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.

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The Joker’s Favorite Practical Jokes

Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim’s commode.    When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!

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Whistleblown

Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn’t possible.

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Truly Terrible Tailgating Tips

It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).

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Bummer Bumper Stickers

I’m Proud Of My Son, Even Though He’s Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.

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Fall TV Preview!

America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)

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Trump’s Mocktail Menu

KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.

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Bachelor In Paradise Lost

I’m your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost!  Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we’re the real Temptation Island!

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Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips

It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited.    Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.

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Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.

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Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller

Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

Cartoons

CARTOON: Half Mast

Can’t get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike’s friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he’s forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

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Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

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An Intervention For Batman

Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…

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SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.

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Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

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Barr Walks Into A Bar…

Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, “What can I get for you, buddy?”.   Barr replies, “It’s been a rough week.   Better make it something stiff.”   The bartender then says, “Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?”

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Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

(additional editor’s note: all of Mr. Mueller’s advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

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Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We’ve totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you “accidentally” load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You’re very lucky that we like you.

Cartoons

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

Cartoons

CARTOON: TrumpCare

Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, “No Collusion” had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn’t even wipe them off of the walls before the next day’s tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

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New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

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Little-Known ‘Shazam!’ Movie Facts

Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.

Cartoons

CARTOON: Trump Taxes

Didn’t you receive my form 1040-FU? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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April Fool’s For Safe Spaces

Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Spring Flowers

Spring has sprung! But it will cost you. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

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St. Patrick’s Day Limericks

During the St. Paddy’s parade,
Through vomit, I had to wade,
Smells like garbage and piss,
Why do people like this?
Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.

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Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!

Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they’ve found in the torture-room of their parents’ opulent home. (AMC) and more.

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White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

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Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

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The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump’s Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I’m comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby’s Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell’s shoe there, and well, here I am.

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Trump’s Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees

I’ve heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Baked Cookies

Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.