Originals
New Pandemic Businesses
Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!
Entries by Kit Lively
Cartoons
CARTOON: Bar Fly
Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.
Best of 2020
QUARANTEEN Magazine
Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!
Best of 2020
Pandemericks
We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.
Originals
Trump’s Favorite COVID Cocktails & Disinfectant Delights
Mai-Tide: Chill 4 Tide pods in a freezer overnight. Place chilled pods into a glass, then puncture each pod. Pour Mai Tai contents over pods.
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Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear – Veterinary Queries
Dear Nuts… You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”. And I’m not going to do it. Nope. Please discontinue this nonsense.
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Truly Terrible Tips & Tricks To Keep From Touching Your Own Face
Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.
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Revised Days of the Week
The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.
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Truly Terrible TV Shows To Stream in Quarantine
The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.
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Truly Terrible Companies Sending Out Coronavirus CEO E-mails
You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!
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Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus
That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco? Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.
Originals
Truly Terrible Ways To Prevent The Spread Of Coronavirus
Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.
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How Are The Heroes Of The Marvel Universe Dealing With The Coronavirus?
The Punisher: Rather than the typical gang-members, killers and other assorted criminals, The Punisher has taken to targeting people who don’t cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing.
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Tips For Smoothing Down Bloomberg’s Evil Billionaire Image
Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person’s cardboard-box.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Presidential Intervention
Lured him in with 4 Big Macs. 3 didn’t do it. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Originals
Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine’s Day Lovesick Edition
I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart!
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The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry’s Flavors
Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.
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Exclusive! Chapter Titles Of John Bolton’s Upcoming Book!
Chapter Seven: Mister Pi-Stash-io: Isn’t saying that he’s partially responsible for the recent death of Mr. Peanut, but isn’t exactly denying it either.
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Prince Andrew Re-canned
Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don’t steal anything before they leave. And more.
Best of 2020
Cards Against Sean Hannity
We can all agree that ‘Cards Against Humanity’ is a nifty game, right? We got to thinking, though, and came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game. Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make…
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Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests
‘Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats’, ‘Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic’, and more!
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Unfulfilled New Year’s Resolutions (So Far)
Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you’re wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you’ve earned it.
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What’s OUT and What’s IN for 2020
OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you’ve run over in your truck. And More.
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Other Scenes Deleted From The Canadian TV Version of ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’
After a blurry night of fun with bath salts Kevin McAllister burns down The Plaza Hotel.
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New & Improved Stocking Stuffers For Those On Santa’s Naughty List
Small vial of bird flu, Flyer for local club where daughter works as an exotic dancer. Self-published booklet of inspirational sayings by your mom. And more!
Originals
What To Expect When You’re Expecting Articles Of Impeachment
If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.
Originals
Other New Peloton Products To Improve Every Person In Our Lives
Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!
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A Modern Thanksgiving Choose-Your-Own-Adventure
Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)
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Modern Additions To The Kama Sutra
Mother May I? (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!
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What You Need To Know While Watching The Televised Impeachment Hearings
These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.
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Here’s What’s Coming To Netflix
M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!
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Remakes Of 90’s Teen Movies For Today’s Politics
Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can’t Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!
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Disturbing Secrets of Other Fast-Food Mascots
Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.
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When Advertisers Set Their Sites On Beloved Children’s Literature Classics
Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!
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Other Presidential Conspiracy Theories
Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.
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The Joker’s Favorite Practical Jokes
Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim’s commode. When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!
Originals
Whistleblown
Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn’t possible.
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Things That You’ll Need To Know Before Watching The Downton Abbey Movie
Downton Abbey is based on the television show of the same name, and concerns the problems and concerns of a group of unlikable rich white people; oddly enough, it was broadcast on PBS rather than CNN.
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Truly Terrible Tailgating Tips
It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).
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Bummer Bumper Stickers
I’m Proud Of My Son, Even Though He’s Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.
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Fall TV Preview!
America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)
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Trump’s Mocktail Menu
KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.
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Bachelor In Paradise Lost
I’m your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost! Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we’re the real Temptation Island!
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Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips
It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited. Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.
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Ultra-Trendy Side Hustles
Explaining rap lyrics to the elderly, and more!
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Blistering Democratic Presidential Debate Clapbacks
“And we’d also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates.”
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Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture
Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.
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Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller
Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?
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Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here
All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Spider-man Abroad
Need to get away? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Half Mast
Can’t get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
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Your Dog’s Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog
Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Debatable
Debatable demo. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Originals
Hot New Summer TV Shows!
Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike’s friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he’s forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)
Originals
Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips
You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”? That same rule should be applied to picnics. Pants, however, are completely optional.
Originals
An Intervention For Batman
Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…
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SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!
The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.
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Little Known Executive Privilege Rights
Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.
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Secret Facts That You Don’t Want To Know About ‘Game Of Thrones’
The “game” referred to in the series title is Connect Four.
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Official List Of Other Things That You’re Prohibited From Doing In Alabama
Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.
Originals
Barr Walks Into A Bar…
Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, “What can I get for you, buddy?”. Barr replies, “It’s been a rough week. Better make it something stiff.” The bartender then says, “Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?”
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Rejected Names For The Royal Baby
Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.
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Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller
(additional editor’s note: all of Mr. Mueller’s advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)
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Your New Amazon Prime Member Services
We’ve totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you “accidentally” load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You’re very lucky that we like you.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Baby Burp
Work Risks. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Cartoons
CARTOON: He Has Risen
Behold, the word of the ‘Splat’. Cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Cartoons
CARTOON: TrumpCare
Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
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Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report
The words, “No Collusion” had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn’t even wipe them off of the walls before the next day’s tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.
Originals
New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons
Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)
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Little-Known ‘Shazam!’ Movie Facts
Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Trump Taxes
Didn’t you receive my form 1040-FU? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
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April Fool’s For Safe Spaces
Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!
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Dr. Kit Lively’s Signs That You’re At A Bad Dentist
They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Hellish Neverland
Who’s Bad? He’s bad. Really, really bad. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Spring Flowers
Spring has sprung! But it will cost you. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
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Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)
That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious…
Originals
St. Patrick’s Day Limericks
During the St. Paddy’s parade,
Through vomit, I had to wade,
Smells like garbage and piss,
Why do people like this?
Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.
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Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!
Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they’ve found in the torture-room of their parents’ opulent home. (AMC) and more.
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What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony
Cohen wasn’t stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the “Dress Your Own Baked Potato” bar that was being set up just off camera.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Universal Emergency
And we thought Scroktux Cril was annoying! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Originals
White House Tour Excerpts
Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident
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Other Things That Fall Under Trump’s Definition Of A National Emergency
Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.
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Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles
Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,
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The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump’s Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor
Not really sure what I’m comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby’s Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell’s shoe there, and well, here I am.
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More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton’s Notepad
‘Explain salad’, ‘Trap Pelosi in a cage’, ‘Wall made of CHEESE?’ And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.
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Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison
Don’t forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he’ll always… always… be Donald Trump’s bitch.
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Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?
Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Black Mirror – Choose Your Own Adventure!
What incredible path will you choose!? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
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Trump’s Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees
I’ve heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Baked Cookies
Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
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The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself
The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let’s face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Yuletide Ban
Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand!
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Worst Movies of the Year
RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio’s proposed shared “RebaVerse”. And more.
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New on Netflix: December 2018
Here’s A List Of What’s Coming To Netflix For December, 2018… American Hoarder Story The Mensch Who Stole Hanukkah Godzilla Vs. The Bachelor Marvel After Dark- Ant-Man and The Wasp In “Bed Bugs” That’s A Great Blumpkin, Charlie Brown Downton Arby’s Scrotal Recall How To Get Away With […]
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Holiday Maladies
LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.
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Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals
“Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza” audiobook, 54 cents, and more.
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Reheated Thanksgiving Horror Flicks
I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole…you get it.
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Democrat House Of Representatives To Do List
Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.
Cartoons
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Ways To Painlessly Kill Time Until Election Results Are Available
Call your mom and let her tell you about what’s been happening on Grey’s Anatomy. See if David Hasselhoff will accept your Facebook friend request. And more.
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Weekly Humorist Voting Tips
Once you’ve voted, please don’t then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?
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Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!
Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas stocking candy for your kids. Those little monsters will never pause stuffing their faces long enough to notice that it’s stale. Fake body parts from Halloween front porch display can be reused to play a funny prank on your kids involving the supposed death and […]
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Your Guide To The Hottest Halloween Parties!
Thomas’ House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom’s dickhead boyfriend is going to be in town and crashing with them. So we’ll have to keep it down a bit, and no foods with strong smells. Still, always a great time, so show up early for a good spot on the couch […]
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Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!
Tattoos of everyone’s name that you’ve met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.
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Other Horror Movie Remakes That Will Be Following The New Halloween Model…
The Amityville Horror: The house is no longer haunted, but there are a few foundation problems that probably need to be looked at. And that front porch is going to need a bit of work, for sure. And more.
Originals
Relationship-Wrecked With Dr. Kit Lively
Dear Dr. Kit…How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that’s gotten me to thinking… there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?
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News Stories You May Have Missed During The Kavanaugh Fiasco…
Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!
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The Cool Things About Wearing A Crime-Fighting Symbiote
Emasculating embarrassments on the tether-ball court are a thing of the past, my toothy friend!
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The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!
I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3… 2… 1…. Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, ‘kay?
Originals
President Trump’s Pre-Hearing Notes For Brett Kavanaugh
Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don’t say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Predatory Correctness
You made him cry, are you happy now? Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Minimum Requirements
You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.
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Holy Moley Genitals, Batman! Other Times That Batman Has Exposed His Penis…
The Justice League’s Christmas Parties, 1984 – 1997, at which point HR had to step in and get involved.
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Is Your Dating App Match, A Bit Too Much Of A Match? Welcome to Incestry FAQ
Is this new person you find so relatable someone that you’re actually related to? Let’s find out!
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theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!
What, you’re still here? Haven’t you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don’t expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you’re about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ…
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New iPhone Features That NO ONE Wanted
Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out…and more.
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Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward’s ‘Fear: Trump In The White House’
Bob Woodward’s apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency, next Tuesday’s book release Fear, is said to be an uncompromisingly critical take-down of our embarrassingly inept leader. There were so many horrible stories about Trump, in fact, that they wouldn’t all fit into the book. As with benefits to the poor and disadvantaged, cuts had to […]
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What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh
Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh’s haircut reminds him of Judge Judy’s…and more.
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President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu
Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad with Russian dressing Dictator tots North Korean BBQ ribs Warm lemonade Collusion-slaw A Werther’s Original candy that Ivanka has been wearing in her underpants for a week
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Reasons It’s Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze
Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn’t good for you. What a slap in the face! But don’t despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these…
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Your List Of Junior College Back To School Supplies
*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff will more than likely be stolen on a regular basis *** Reading material. Some sort of magazine or book to read while eating / hanging out in the student union / waiting in the hall for class to open, so that you […]
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Paul Manafort’s To Do List
Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.
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So, What Exactly Do You Have To Do To Get Your Security Clearance Revoked By Trump?
Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR (“Lots of fine people on that show.”, Trump assured us) Sweep up random Rolo candies that had fallen beneath the Oval Office couch. (“Hey, those were all still okay!”, complained Trump) Drive Ivanka’s dirty laundry to the cleaners. (“Don’t do that… I can do that. […]
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Now Available In The App Store!
Areola Cola Amazing app that takes plain old breast milk and transforms it into refreshing, sparkling soda pop! Fanning MindMeld 3.0 Newly updated with exciting new features! Has Dakota Fanning been lurking around your home and/or place of employment? Find out with this newly redesigned app! What the heck is she up to? App-Alachia Boy, […]
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Other Recent Changes To Your MoviePass Account
MoviePass announced it is raising its price and cutting access to blockbusters. This is just the tip of the iceberg, and more changes are being rolled out to your MoviePass subscription: Monday through Thursday, only movies available star Ashton Kutcher and/or the Olsen Twins. 3D movies must be watched without 3D glasses. MoviePass participants can […]
podcasts
Radio News Round Up: Hello Kitty Bullet Train and Trump’s Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame
Weekly Humorist Radio News, Breaking News…Into Little Pieces.
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Biggest Scoops And Spoilers From 2018 Comic-Con International: San Diego
Within the next couple of months or so, there are going to be several new movies about superheroes! Not all cleavage is pleasing to the eye, and sometimes even has pimples. Aquaman is made fun of by guys who for the most part refuse to take their shirts off while in the pool. People playing […]
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Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows
Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems. In creative mediums such as television and movies, this is just shameful. If these writers and producers were able to come up with new material, we wouldn’t have to be bringing you this, our third installment of these…Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows! Fear Factor On this reboot of the […]
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Rejected Trump Balloon Concepts (after settling on the fat Trump baby)
Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon. Trump balloon that hovers above crowd and leaks poisonous gas (like Joker’s balloon in the Batman movie). Trump balloon with much static electricity, which then causes the Melania balloon to be instantly repelled. Trump balloon so full of hot air that it finally just pops, then falls and symbolically […]
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More Trump Poems
Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.
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Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities
During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled at his view of North Korea’s beaches, and was even inspired by what he saw as amazing real estate possibilities. I guess you’d call that viewing the world through orange-tinted glasses? And this was no rare, one time instance, sadly. Here are the […]
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Overheard At The G7 Summit…
“G7? Aw, man… I could’ve had a V8!” “Hey, what’s with all of the borscht and beef stroganoff on the menu this time?” “No Mr. President, that’s just a conga line, not a human centipede.” “While these sessions will indeed cover the subject of gender equality, no, that doesn’t mean that you can grab anyone […]
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Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions
Tovar’s Wide World Of Raisins: What seems initially to be a rather innocuous tour exploring the history of raisins in the country is instead awkward and unnecessarily sexual. For example, do you know how many raisins will fit into your bottom? Well, you will by the end of this tour. And did you know that […]
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TV Newscast from Bizarro World
Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS, CAMERAS, CORDS. ANCHORS SITTING BEHIND DESK. BACKDROP OF CITYSCAPE BEHIND THEM WITH ‘ACTION NEWS’ LOGO. BRYCE ATWOOD Good evening, I’m Bryce Atwood… CHERYL ENGLISH And I’m Cheryl English… BOTH And this is the Channel 11 Six O’clock news. BRYCE ATWOOD Secret Security agents were […]
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Products Affected By China’s New Tariffs
Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers George Foreman’s At-Home Anal Bleaching Kit I Can’t Believe It’s Nut Butter brand semen substitute Doggie Treats (made from real dog! Nacho cheese and ranch flavored varieties only) Workin’ Mirkin- The official pubic wig of the Chinese Peasants and Workers Democratic Party Glade Ghost B Gone air freshener and spiritual house cleanser […]
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Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs
Roseanne has blamed her racist Tweet on the drug Ambien, which got us to thinking… If Ambien can be blamed for racism, then what are some of the less likely side effects of other drugs? Pretty scary, eh? Be prepared to go cold turkey after reading through these… Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs… […]
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Favorite Sites On The Dark Web
Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web…
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Overhead At The Royal Wedding
“Chicken nuggets on the buffet!! The Trumps are coming??” “Look Meghan, I appreciate your position, but… you simply can’t have the Royal Guard tackle ladies that you hate during the bouquet toss.” “Yes, the ring is admittedly gorgeous… but the real wedding present is that he’s having MI6 kill a few of her enemies from high school.” […]
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Prince Charles’ Drunken Toast To Prince Harry And Meghan Markle
“Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay…. OKAY!! I said okay!!! Jesus Christ, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I was going to… I wanted to see if… what is this for again? Okay, okay. Can I do this sitting down? I’m just going to do this sitting down. I’m a prince for fuck’s sake, […]
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Rudy G’s “Makin’ Life A Breeze”- Rudy Giuliani’s Guide To Living Your Best Life!
Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And difficult to navigate! Some people, who I call “light-bandits”, will try to rock your boat. They’ll look at you like you’re crazy whenever you open your mouth to express an opinion! Like you’re the crazy one! And hey, maybe you are! Who cares? Live […]
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A Few Mighty, Uncanny Facts About Avengers: Infinity War
Iron Man is really pissed about Trump’s recent steel tariff decision. With Avengers Infinity War in theaters during spring, now comic book fans will have something to do on prom night. Clocking in at almost three hours, Infinity War is the most refreshingly honest example of advertising in years. Every other member of the Avengers, […]
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Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore
That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other guests. Your insistence that if the invitation doesn’t specify that pants must be worn, then how are you supposed to know to wear pants? Out of consideration for the neighbors, if the party goes past ten you leave and then call the police. […]
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Unexpected Twists During ABC’s James Comey Interview
Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away a box of kittens that his wife had gathered from underneath their front porch. Pants had to be applied in post via CGI onto both Comey and Stephanopoulos. While ordering a pizza during the interview, Comey used his FBI pizza discount, even though […]
