Entries by Kit Lively


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The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition

Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks.    Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.

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Other Methods Of Keeping Trump In Line At The Debate

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

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Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

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Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace’s debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

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Weekly Humorist’s Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening’s debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

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Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy’s Xanax. And more!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Fatal Flattery

Killer compliment. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

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Pick-Up Lines To Use At A Trump Rally

“Hey good lookin’, could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?”

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Upcoming Headlines We’re Sure To See…

“Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present” “Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol” And more.

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Even More Specialized New Streaming Services!

Selleck-Select: Have you ever been watching a tv show or movie and thought to yourself, “This is okay, I guess… but sure would be a lot better if all of the characters were sporting a Tom
Selleck-style stache!” Then you’re in for a real treat with Selleck-Select!

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The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Magazine Rack

Plagueboy Magazine

This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!

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Good Jobs For Bad Cops

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

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COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed…

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

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New Pandemic Businesses

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Bar Fly

Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.

Best of 2020

QUARANTEEN Magazine

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

Best of 2020

Pandemericks

We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.

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Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear – Veterinary Queries

Dear Nuts…   You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”.   And I’m not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

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Revised Days of the Week

The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.

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Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

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Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine’s Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I’m sure that you know this one… yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs…. my heart!

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Prince Andrew Re-canned

Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don’t steal anything before they leave. And more.

Best of 2020

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that ‘Cards Against Humanity’ is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make…

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Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests

‘Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats’, ‘Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic’, and more!

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What To Expect When You’re Expecting Articles Of Impeachment

If you’re like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you’re more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you’ve spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.

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A Modern Thanksgiving Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

Against your better judgement, head over to your family’s house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)

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Here’s What’s Coming To Netflix

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

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Other Presidential Conspiracy Theories

Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.

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The Joker’s Favorite Practical Jokes

Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim’s commode.    When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!

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Whistleblown

Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn’t possible.

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Truly Terrible Tailgating Tips

It’s been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).

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Bummer Bumper Stickers

I’m Proud Of My Son, Even Though He’s Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.

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Fall TV Preview!

America’s Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it’s hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won’t be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)

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Trump’s Mocktail Menu

KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn’t quite fancy enough for the room.

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Bachelor In Paradise Lost

I’m your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost!  Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we’re the real Temptation Island!

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Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips

It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited.    Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.

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Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.

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Questions For Robert “Bobby” Mueller

Let’s speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

Cartoons

CARTOON: Half Mast

Can’t get it up? You are not alone. Happy 4th of July! Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk – Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike’s friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he’s forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

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Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

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An Intervention For Batman

Bruce, I’m so sorry that its come to this, but we’re going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum…

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SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.

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Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

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Barr Walks Into A Bar…

Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, “What can I get for you, buddy?”.   Barr replies, “It’s been a rough week.   Better make it something stiff.”   The bartender then says, “Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?”

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Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

(additional editor’s note: all of Mr. Mueller’s advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

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Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We’ve totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you “accidentally” load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You’re very lucky that we like you.

Cartoons

CARTOON: Baby Burp

Work Risks. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

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CARTOON: TrumpCare

Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, “No Collusion” had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn’t even wipe them off of the walls before the next day’s tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

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New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

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Little-Known ‘Shazam!’ Movie Facts

Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.

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CARTOON: Trump Taxes

Didn’t you receive my form 1040-FU? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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April Fool’s For Safe Spaces

Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!

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CARTOON: Spring Flowers

Spring has sprung! But it will cost you. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

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St. Patrick’s Day Limericks

During the St. Paddy’s parade,
Through vomit, I had to wade,
Smells like garbage and piss,
Why do people like this?
Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.

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Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!

Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they’ve found in the torture-room of their parents’ opulent home. (AMC) and more.

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White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

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Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

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The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump’s Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I’m comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby’s Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell’s shoe there, and well, here I am.

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Trump’s Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees

I’ve heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Baked Cookies

Nothing like freshly baked cookies. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

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Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio’s proposed shared “RebaVerse”. And more.

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New on Netflix: December 2018

Here’s A List Of What’s Coming To Netflix For December, 2018… American Hoarder Story   The Mensch Who Stole Hanukkah   Godzilla Vs. The Bachelor   Marvel After Dark- Ant-Man and The Wasp In “Bed Bugs”   That’s A Great Blumpkin, Charlie Brown   Downton Arby’s   Scrotal Recall   How To Get Away With […]

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Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

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Reheated Thanksgiving Horror Flicks

I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole…you get it.

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Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you’ve voted, please don’t then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

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Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas stocking candy for your kids. Those little monsters will never pause stuffing their faces long enough to notice that it’s stale. Fake body parts from Halloween front porch display can be reused to play a funny prank on your kids involving the supposed death and […]

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Your Guide To The Hottest Halloween Parties!

Thomas’ House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom’s dickhead boyfriend is going to be in town and crashing with them.    So we’ll have to keep it down a bit, and no foods with strong smells.   Still, always a great time, so show up early for a good spot on the couch […]

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Relationship-Wrecked With Dr. Kit Lively

Dear Dr. Kit…How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that’s gotten me to thinking… there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?

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The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3… 2… 1…. Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, ‘kay?

Cartoons

CARTOON: Predatory Correctness

You made him cry, are you happy now? Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

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CARTOON: Minimum Requirements

You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today’s cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

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theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!

What, you’re still here? Haven’t you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don’t expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you’re about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ…

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New iPhone Features That NO ONE Wanted

Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out…and more.

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Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward’s ‘Fear: Trump In The White House’

Bob Woodward’s apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency, next Tuesday’s book release Fear, is said to be an uncompromisingly critical take-down of our embarrassingly inept leader.    There were so many horrible stories about Trump, in fact, that they wouldn’t all fit into the book.     As with benefits to the poor and disadvantaged, cuts had to […]

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President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato salad with Russian dressing Dictator tots North Korean BBQ ribs Warm lemonade Collusion-slaw A Werther’s Original candy that Ivanka has been wearing in her underpants for a week

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Reasons It’s Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze

Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn’t good for you. What a slap in the face! But don’t despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these…

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Your List Of Junior College Back To School Supplies

*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff will more than likely be stolen on a regular basis *** Reading material. Some sort of magazine or book to read while eating / hanging out in the student union / waiting in the hall for class to open, so that you […]