Nippies, 3 Frosketeers, Mike & Ice, and more #ColdCandy on this week's trending joke game!

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.

Doing terrible with @weightwatchers points this week.  @WilliamTaft 🍕🍩🍗 Most. Boring. Impeachment. Ever. @DickNixon✌ ✌ #Watergate and more!

Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.

So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me.

Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!

While You Were Seeping, Rotting Hill, How to Lose a Sty in 10 Days, and more #RevoltingRomComs on this week's trending joke game!

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

Day 1: mr biden tell people cookie best diet Day 2: cookie monster have key to all cookie stores and factories Day 3: me (cookie monster) get promise to be cookie king.

2:25 p.m.: Had to turn back. Alvin forgot his horse. Don’t feel like you have to wait for us to start the battle! 2:27: p.m.: Is there free parking in the scorched castle? 2:30 p.m.: Can’t find the horse. Checking bottomless pit in town square.

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

And sure - if you’re Paul Giamatti, you can park your butt on the couch and plow through as many human appendages as you can source. Nobody’s watching Paul Giamatti for his six-pack. But if you’re six-foot five inches of pure, delicious American man, you need to see some definition in those biceps. And biceps, whether you’re working them or hunting them, take discipline.

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).

Catherine Zeta Scones, Jon Hammburger, Dijon Warwick, and more #CelebAFood on this week's trending joke gme!

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)

Sell that treadmill, join a gym! Divest in Zoom, Invest in United Airlines, Open-mouth kiss a stranger on the subway, and more!

The French Toast Connection, Romancing the Scone, Scream! Of Wheat, and more #BreakfastAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

When you find yourself saying to Ryan, “I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before,” take a deep breath and understand that you have. You have mentioned that you have “a weird thing about vomit” as well as “a weird thing about not wanting to wake up in a panic one night beset by guilt, regret, envy, and vomit,” in addition to “a weird thing for redheads.” These are called, respectively: duh, okay, and ginger tabbies are the best category of every species.

Steal Or No Steal, Card Farts, Manson Family Feud, and more #GrinchAGameShow on this week's trending joke game!

Keys to a new car that has been missing for weeks. This one will be really good if we can just locate that brand-spanking new Porsche. I mean, anything’s possible right?

JIGGLING JANA ("Jiggling Jana", 2004): The phrase "Give me a J-A-N-A, and jiggle, jiggle, jiggle all day" is repeated constantly in this poignant story of an NBA cheerleader who tries to provide comfort to players who have a game on the 25th and are missing their families. Released on the poor-selling album An Emo-Rap Yuletide.

Rudolph, The Disgraced Lawyer, All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Vaccines, Do You Fear What I Fear? And more!

The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)

Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger--oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.

Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that's why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.

Electric Blanket Orchestra, The Brrrrryrds, Hall & Coats, and more #ColdABand on this week's trending joke game!

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.

Brittle Shop of Horrors, Fry Fry Birdie, Pies & Dolls, and more #FoodAMusical on this week's trending joke game!

I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to decline your kind offer to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours. You may not remember extending an invitation, but the untouched casserole Larry threw out the window when you weren’t looking did all the talking. 

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

As the ‘80s gave way to the ‘90s, Funkytown crumbled into disrepair, a shell of its former self, remembered only during brief periods of renewed interest in ‘70s culture, such as the Pulp Fiction-fueled comeback of John Travolta and the rise of Jamiroquai.

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.

Betty White Knuckles, Harried Styles, ProZac Efron, and more #StressedCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!

Eager Zoomer with suit, tie and no pants, Mummified toilet paper hoarder, 6-foot space invader, and more!

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

Our smarter, more engineerically inclined neighbors are constructing hydraulic candy launchers and gravity-inspired candy chutes.  That’s fine I guess.  I’m not one to argue with a smart person.  We do however, discourage haphazardly throwing candy at trick-or-treaters. Candy corn can sting! The CDC method is probably best.  We do however, encourage you to throw candy at Marliese and Trent. 

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

What has she got that I haven’t got, Craig? Besides eight mesmerizing tentacles, the ability to change color and texture, and a disinclination to speak? I’ll dye my hair any color you want, but I’m sorry, buddy – I’ve only got the two arms, and neither of them are covered in little suction cups.

Really though, until we hire a temporary lab assistant, all work here at Muppet Labs is sort of at a standstill. Lew Zealand is literally throwing different fish at the wall to see which kind sticks.

You need FYOOM. Because for an additional fee you can press a button on your own laptop and blast your own scent to the other video conference participants. Because if no one smells your Drakkar Noir, does it even have a fragrance???

The Stolen Kidney updated for 2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in. $15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you $20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!) 

Everyone Loves Working From Home, Juicing With the Stars, and more!