I want you to know that this was not a decision I came to lightly. It was only after a long discussion with my 53-pound raccoon wife and our seven 25-pound raccoon children that we have decided to decline your kind offer to spend Thanksgiving with you and yours. You may not remember extending an invitation, but the untouched casserole Larry threw out the window when you weren’t looking did all the talking. 

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

As the ‘80s gave way to the ‘90s, Funkytown crumbled into disrepair, a shell of its former self, remembered only during brief periods of renewed interest in ‘70s culture, such as the Pulp Fiction-fueled comeback of John Travolta and the rise of Jamiroquai.

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.

Betty White Knuckles, Harried Styles, ProZac Efron, and more #StressedCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!

Eager Zoomer with suit, tie and no pants, Mummified toilet paper hoarder, 6-foot space invader, and more!

As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you're back in business.

Our smarter, more engineerically inclined neighbors are constructing hydraulic candy launchers and gravity-inspired candy chutes.  That’s fine I guess.  I’m not one to argue with a smart person.  We do however, discourage haphazardly throwing candy at trick-or-treaters. Candy corn can sting! The CDC method is probably best.  We do however, encourage you to throw candy at Marliese and Trent. 

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

What has she got that I haven’t got, Craig? Besides eight mesmerizing tentacles, the ability to change color and texture, and a disinclination to speak? I’ll dye my hair any color you want, but I’m sorry, buddy – I’ve only got the two arms, and neither of them are covered in little suction cups.

Really though, until we hire a temporary lab assistant, all work here at Muppet Labs is sort of at a standstill. Lew Zealand is literally throwing different fish at the wall to see which kind sticks.

You need FYOOM. Because for an additional fee you can press a button on your own laptop and blast your own scent to the other video conference participants. Because if no one smells your Drakkar Noir, does it even have a fragrance???

The Stolen Kidney updated for 2020: A beautiful woman seduces a young anti-vaxxer. The following morning he awakens in a bathtub full of cotton balls to find his arms covered with band-aids and a document containing a list of all the vaccinations he received.

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in. $15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you $20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!) 

Everyone Loves Working From Home, Juicing With the Stars, and more!

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace's debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

Q: How’s it going? A: The standard answer “as well as can be excepted” applies, although this may fluctuate slightly on a day-to-day basis. Things that can influence how well things are going on any given day include exercising, sex (or lack thereof), looking at real estate listings, level of news consumption, and which of our national institutions are falling apart.

Burger Kings of Leon, Uncle Cracker Barrel, Maroon 5 Guys, and more #RockBandRestaurants on this week's trending joke game!

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Still, as DVDs, VOD, and eventually streaming crushed VHS into a rectangle relic of the past, the final nail in my coffin came with the ubiquity of the smartphone.

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

A noisy pop-up. The Early Morning Afternoon Evening Late Night Can’t Escape It Show. With your host, You! And more!

Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles. 

QUIZ: Are You a Witch Or Are You Just Overwhelmed By Running the Household? Everything Your Husband Isn't Telling You About the Steamboat. And more!

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I intervene when vampires attack villagers? Over my un-dead body.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

We Actually Hate Having Guests! And more.

"Hey good lookin', could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?"

Boston Foot Cream, Cinnamon Cyst, Actual Bear Claw, and more #DigustingDonuts on this week's trending joke game!

The opening chords for the classic Beatles version of “Twist and Shout” could not be heard but Grimer began to sing along anyway, swaying and sashaying, all cute and delightful, motioning to the hundreds of businessmen glancing out their high rise office windows, including a certain advertising copywriter who did a doubletake when he saw a girl who looked exactly like his daughter, which was all but impossible, as she was still in school, she never skipped!

Tough to compete with Shark Week, but channels have to try! Illustrated list by Bob Eckstein.

My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache. Any puppy ever. And more!

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Trump admits finally that the true source of the Coronavirus is the unprotected sex between he and Stormy Daniels.

Evergreen satire is hard! Use your birthday below to create a headline for your very own evergreen satire piece now! Then BAM- You’ve got the perfect evergreen headline! Now all you have to do is write the piece, submit it, and wait for the rejections to come pouring in!

Selleck-Select: Have you ever been watching a tv show or movie and thought to yourself, "This is okay, I guess... but sure would be a lot better if all of the characters were sporting a Tom Selleck-style stache!" Then you're in for a real treat with Selleck-Select!

Spruce up the walls of your shanty lean-to with copies of your viral tweet.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Goodnight Moon- You will never say goodnight to anything, thanks to your insomnia. 

Whatchamacallit: A shenanigan wrapped in a kerfuffle. Snickers: Do you love the smell of nougat in the morning? Aero: Chocolate-covered nothing. And more!

SEINFELD: Jerry’s date becomes infuriated when he won’t let her get within six feet of him. George starts a protest movement to get a haircut. Elaine argues with a security guard after not maintaining proper social distance in line to buy toilet paper. Kramer sets out to prove the coronavirus is man-made by eating only genetically-modified foods.

Weekly Humorist News Briefs. Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Beware of chaotic sexual energy that could land you in the ICU. No glove, no love. No mask, no ass.