Other Bullied Kids Trump Considered Inviting to the State of the Union

But who didn't make the cut this evening? There must be many, many unfortunate souls out there tonight just as deserving? They sit alone watching tonight. We have their names:

The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!

Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She'll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call "the wall" a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary. Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.

When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!

Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show

MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.

Your Guide to the Super Bowl

A cool piece of trivia to know is that in the olden days, football used to be played with a blown up pig bladder, until one day, someone was like, “Hey guys, why don’t we try using one of these footballs we have lying around instead?”

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Super Bowl Party

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering whether you and Gary are free to watch the Super Bowl with me on Sunday. Just a few friends gathering together, reveling in the thrill and glory of spor—no, not a big party. Just a few friends. Ah, no, Paul won’t be there.

All the Ways We're Avoiding Saying "The Super Bowl" in Our Rent-To-Own Furniture Commercial as to Not Be Sued by the NFL

"New England Loyalists vs Los Angeles Male Sheep" it's time for "Football's Season Finale"!

Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16

There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.

More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad

'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.

The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis

Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.

Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.

Wilbur Ross’s Tips For Navigating Government Shutdowns

Grab some gold bars. “I usually hold down stacks of paper with an array one-kilo gold bars. If things are tight though, you might want to take a gold bar or two down to the food store and ask them to prepare you a bowl of French Onion soup,”

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019

For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below. I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.

Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville's Moby Dick

The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville's Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

Trumpism or Coachella Act

The Violent Left, Rude Elevator Screamers, Cash Cash and more.

Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.

Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me

The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.

#ShutdownMusicals

Annie, Sell Your Gun, The Non-Producers, My Welfare Lady and more #ShutdownMusicals

Other Woke Advertising Slogans

Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best and not a trite "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook, which collects all your data and is pure evil. And more.

Awfully Critical Software Updates

Tinder: We read through your messages and we’ve selected you to beta test our new superdislike feature. And more.

Trump's Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees

I've heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!

New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.

I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list.

Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors

We thank you for upholding the idea that even though there's a cheaper, more sensible way to eat, sleep, drink — do virtually anything — you don't care. You want things to stay the same. Because staying the same is the only way we can respect the past and keep people like us alive. You realize that once our business dies off -- and it will -- life will never be the same.

Hubris, Hamartia or HELL YEAH?

We’re all gathered at the Colosseum today to talk about the unsettling allegations against people in my position. And you know that position: dick out.

#NewYearsEveRegrets

Our heads are still ringing in the new year, or just ringing...where's the Tylenol!? Lots of unregretful fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.

Top Lists Of 2018 List

12 Gluten Free Foods That Taste Almost As Good As People Liking You Again, and more!

I Never Said Goodbye to My Barber

I have recurring nightmares about seeing Sal again. In one, I run into him on the street while I’m sporting a fresh cut. I try explaining that I of course prefer his work, but I’m only in town on holidays, when the shop is closed. Yet he ignores my blathering and thinks I’ve betrayed him. Maybe he’s right.

#UnnecessaryiPhoneFeatures

We really phoned it in and had a lot of fun with this week's…

9 Amazingly Incredible Boxing Day Facts

They say on Boxing Day, if you were good all year, Mike Tyson visits you in the middle of the night and personally punches you in the face. And more.

Frank Loesser, Composer Of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Rewrites Other Christmas Classics

What child is this? Is she eighteen? I’m asking you, is she legal? I’ll look in her purse when she’s in the can I mustn’t go back to jail.

The Year Santa's OCD Ruined Christmas

He's making a list and checking it twice...he’s checking it again, just to be sure. Oh dear, the “t” on Robert’s name wasn’t quite crossed correctly. Better check the list again. It seems “Sally’s name has one “l” that’s not quite identical to the other “l”. He’d better create a new list.

#ToyWarningLabels

The wonderful season of assembling new toys and realizing how…

The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself

The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let's face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is.

I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty

I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.

California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter WARNING: This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump.

Busta Dissident And 7 Other Rapper Names For Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin wants Russia to control rap music.  So, to give…

A Class-Action Lawsuit Against Wayne Enterprises

Pursuant to Gotham City legal statutes, you are hereby given notice that my clients, your former employees, intend to commence a class-action lawsuit against Wayne Enterprises and its subsidiaries to demand change to the abusive working conditions at Wayne Tech Fulfillment Centers. Many are scared to take bathroom breaks as your employee handbook frequently states “CRIME DOESN’T TAKE A BREAK!”

‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where…

#2018in5Words

So, our typically fun little weekly hashtag game turned into…

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

TBA: Smockey Bear And 7 Other Official Changes In Spelling

Look for White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to announce the following official changes in spelling to prove that Trump’s spelling ‘smoking gun’ ‘smocking gun’ wasn’t a mistake, just a preview of a new federal spelling policy.

Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio's proposed shared "RebaVerse". And more.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

Only A True ‘80s Kid Can Name The ‘80s Sitcoms That Spawned These Popular Catchphrases

“Punky Brewster, stop eating our cat this instant!” & “Mr. Belvedere was my father’s name. It is also my name. Please call me that.”

PETA: Words Matter

PETA says stop using language that keeps animals out of your pants!

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

#CoffeeSlogans

Make Americano Great Again, Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive. And more #CoffeeSlogans

Manager Handbook Chapter 12: So You’ve Hired A Woman. Now What?

Hiring competent people, regardless of their gender, is an important aspect of any manager’s job, but in today’s post #MeToo world, men in positions of power need to take certain precautions when they decide to allow a female into an office environment. No doubt she’s going to wreak some havoc simply by having breasts and walking around, so it’s important to prepare your male employees by requesting they review these guidelines and procedures should they have to interface with her.

Packaging Copy on Egg Cartons that Allows You to Buy Eggs in Good Conscience

Eggs from hens who listen to assorted podcasts to prevent incubation from being stultifying and who create and innovate using a 3-D printer in the henhouse computer lab.

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since…

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY: CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

"Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza" audiobook, 54 cents, and more.

Reheated Thanksgiving Horror Flicks

I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole...you get it.

Safe Topics To Discuss This Thanksgiving

Pottery.    

Rockefeller Turkey Farm- Turkeys You Can Be Proud Of

Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who've each earned a liberal arts degree.

‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts

With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows...

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of…

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

I’m still not sure how I died. Maybe I had a heart attack,…

My Digital Cleanse Starts Today

Am I nervous about adjusting to non-digital life? Sure. How do people know if someone has been brave if not with the hashtag #brave? How will I know if someone is talking to me if they don’t tag my handle in their reply? I’m hoping to find answers during my cleanse.

QUIZ: Mid-Century Furniture Designer or Guttural Exclamation As I Accept My Rightful Place As Satan’s Eternal Concubine?

Eames, EEEEAAAAAMES!!, Saarinen, SAARINEEEEEEEN!!

Jonathan Franzen's Other Rules For Novelists

Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother -- distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.

#FutureRealityTV

We come from the FUTURE to tell you about the very important…

If You Tag Someone In This Post, I Might Be Able To Keep This Job

Tag someone who hasn’t seen the sun set but still has a Facebook account somehow. Probably because they are a troll, but even clicks from trolls might help me keep this late-night social media shift and move to a place with 5 or 6 fewer roommates.

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!

Talk that Trump Jr. to be indicted by Mueller soon... Or, as Trump Sr. will say...

“Heard he wet the bed. He’s no Trump. Everyone knows we have hookers do that for us.”

Democrat House Of Representatives To Do List

Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.

New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests

Here’s a photo of your family. Click on the people you no longer talk to. Then click on the people who have asked to borrow money.

A Summary For My Class On My White House Internship

They tell me that, with how much they promote people, I could probably be running the EPA, HUD, or even state department by next summer.

#ElectionHangoverCures

Ask for a recount of what you drank last night...Ugh, our head. What happened? Are we saved? Did we wake up from this political waking nightmare? NO! Just kidding! But we had some fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

Meet Your New and Improved Elected Representatives!

Indicted for Campaign Corruption, Securities Fraud, Self-published Bigfoot Erotica and more fun from our elected officials!

SO, YOU VOTED. WELL, WHOOP-DE-DOO

When I was a kid, we couldn’t look up candidates on the internet. In fact, we didn’t even know who the candidates were, only that they all had gout. We used to just vote on whoever had least serious case of gout. That’s how Uncle Henry almost became Mayor in ’72. He wasn’t really my uncle. That was just a childhood nickname that stuck. Never did get to be mayor, though. Turned out he had a bad case of shrub pox that came on right before election day.

Pop Quiz: Our Gang Little Rascal or Alternative Rock Band

Zebrahead, Alfalfa, Froggy, Weezer and more.

Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane

Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.

Wake Up, America!

ANCHOR 2: Our thoughts are with the victims and their families. ANCHOR 1: Thoughts. Prayers. ANCHOR 2: Yes, of course, thoughts and prayers. ANCHOR 1: And now: How to look like a celebrity, on a budget!

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Republicans to Physically Flip When Your State Flips Republican

Your Coworker Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.

Ways To Painlessly Kill Time Until Election Results Are Available

Call your mom and let her tell you about what's been happening on Grey's Anatomy. See if David Hasselhoff will accept your Facebook friend request. And more.

Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you've voted, please don't then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.

Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you'll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.

Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections

Grumpy Dwarf, 1035 yrs, Coal City, WV, Miner Coal is the future!

The White House’s Kavanaugh Celebration Party

Sean Hannity has a VIP table in one corner. Alex Jones is here. His shirt is already off. Roger Stone is seen handing out small red flyers about an orgy he’s hosting the following night.

Dr. Frankenstein Describes That Time He Made Beto O’Rourke

I now begin to collect the materials necessary for my new creation,…

Quiz: Literary Journal or Comic Book Villain

Ploughshares, Prometheus, Glimmer Train, Zyzzyva and more.

WebMD.gov Entry for Trump Derangement Syndrome in the Year 2030

Overview The first cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome (or TDS)…

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th

  Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those…

Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas…

Key Takeaways from Horror Films

Alien: When you eat with co-workers, something is likely to spill…

Your Guide To The Hottest Halloween Parties!

Thomas' House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom's…

Online Job Posting For New Opening Of Head Coach at Cleveland Browns

Making words and combining them to create newer and better words! SUPER WORDS! Words like HARDLAND!!! BELIEVELAND!!! etc...

John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no "hush money" designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.

#SlasherSitcoms

My Knife and Kids, Charles in Chunks, and more Gore-filled TV comedies this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Every Beatle, Ranked

Cute Beatle: Paul, Smart Beatle: John, Quiet Beatle: George, Funny Beatle: Ringo, Evil Beatle: Azrael and more.

Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

Top Fantastical NFL Halloween Costumes

Unharmed NFL Spouse, Team Owner The Doesn't Harbor Secret Racist Feelings, Employed Protesting Quarterback and more.

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

Rejected 'Halloween' Masks

Did you know that Micheal Myers’ original mask from “Halloween” was actually just a Captain Kirk mask painted white? Believe it or not, Kirk was not the only iconic television star of the day to be considered.

Failed Halloween Treats

Fresh water taffy, Caramel-Coated Pine Cones, Topless Trading Cards Featuring Photos Of Your Mom In Her 20’s and more.

Sorry, Ken Burns, But Your Eleven-and-a-Half-Hour Civil War Documentary Is Not Real Comedy

It feels like these days it’s fashionable to make just about anything and call it “comedy.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think if it was good enough for Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, and Jerry Seinfeld, it’s good enough for me. So I’ve got to speak the truth about the latest so-called “comedy” special I saw on Netflix this weekend:

‘Beaver Tails’ and Other Stocks to Buy Now That Pot is Legal in Canada

Got the munchies eh? These are the stocks to watch!

Revised Major League Baseball Team Names Under The Rule Of Its New Commissioner, A Guy Who Loves Happy Days

Oakland Aaaaaaaaaas, Houston Space Fonzies, Texas Cowboy Fonzies and more.

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee

Whip out your 7 Sutra Ionic Heat Brushes from your purse and cry, “What more do you people want from me?”. And more.

#SpookyExcusesForBeingLate

It was a funny, excuse filled haunting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #8 in USA! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Haunted Houses for Dads

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Sorry, Boss, But I'm Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

No. No, I didn't know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The "Chad the Pool Boy" sketches. I'm not really into current pop music, so I'm not too familiar with her songs.

Seeking Entry Level Sidekick For Prominent Superhero

Qualifications: Able to handle quippy dialogue. Tragic backstory. Skilled with using Quickbooks Pro.

Other Horror Movie Remakes That Will Be Following The New Halloween Model...

The Amityville Horror: The house is no longer haunted, but there are a few foundation problems that probably need to be looked at. And that front porch is going to need a bit of work, for sure. And more.

We Regret to Inform You That We Have Rejected Your Job Application From Our Pop-Up Halloween Store (in The Old Kmart)

Thank you for your interest in Halloween MegaStore. Unfortunately, we decided to go in a different direction. The “blood-spattered” paper your resume was on certainly caught our eye. It also soaked my desk...

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

Unsubscribe Response or Pleading Text from My Ex?

Ending things can be rough, for both significant others and insignificant brands. Please love us.

Relationship-Wrecked With Dr. Kit Lively

Dear Dr. Kit...How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that's gotten me to thinking... there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?

Tips for Becoming A Good Sailor Taken from Different Periods Throughout History

1700s: Teach your parrot to say naughty things. It cannot be overstated how important this is.

#ScaryStoriesForAdults

It was a spooky, suspenseful and sad boost of adulting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #5 in USA and make it to Twitter Moments! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

News Stories You May Have Missed During The Kavanaugh Fiasco...

Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!

Coffee is for Voters

You think this is abuse? You can't take this -- how can you take another term and a half of Trump? I can go out there in November with the candidates you got, make myself a new Senate Judiciary Committee. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! Get mad! Get mad!! You know what it takes to vote? You just have to be registered.

TESTIFY Fearless Flying Program

Counseling nervous flyers and victims of sexual assault since…

The Cool Things About Wearing A Crime-Fighting Symbiote

Emasculating embarrassments on the tether-ball court are a thing of the past, my toothy friend!

How to Save Football

At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.

Prizes For Trump Now That Winning Nobel Peace Prize is Kaput

Cracker Jacks ‘Prize Inside the Box’     That’s…

A Sampling Of Brett Kavanaugh's Home Brewed Beers

Small Wood Double IPA: A hoppy beer with nutty undertones and a strong hint of male entitlement. The presidential beer of choice. Sausage Fest Pale Ale: A favorite among prep school boys and GOP members of the House Judiciary Committee. And more...

As Long As You Work Here, You Have The Opportunity To Be Harassed

Google Douchebag is the first fully autonomous, humanoid A.I. that’s been programmed to do exactly one thing – harass all of you indiscriminately. Why? Because we are a company built on equality, inclusion, and robots.

#HorrorSports

I Know What You Did Last Summer Olympics, Synchronised Skinning, Ben Roethlismurder and more #HorrorSports from our trending hashtag game!

LEAKED: The Full Set of Rules for Reading the FBI’s Kavanaugh Report

Inside the room are a series of objects that contain clues on how to unlock the box. Do not break any of the items to find clues. All items are on personal loan from Tobin and Squi.

The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3... 2... 1.... Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, 'kay?

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!