#MythicalTaxDeductions

Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!

Little-Known 'Shazam!' Movie Facts

Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.

Lonely Black Hole Finally Gets Some Company and Can't Shut Up

Hey, nice of you guys to finally show up. I've only been watching you for the past several hundred thousand years. You humans, I mean. Totally been watching for longer but I know some of you don't believe in cosmological time, so...don't wanna offend!

Welcome to Our Historic Castle and No You May Not Skinny Dip in the Moat

Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.

Pop Quiz: Vladimir Nabokov’s ‘Lolita’ or Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’

And the rest is rust and stardust./ Maybe it’s all part of a plan, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes hoping that you’ll understand. Creepy Book or Pop Song?

Okay, Fine, I’ll Solve Climate Change

I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling: Retweeting your own tweets, Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row Wearing the same sweatpants forever, Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages

Game of Thrones Characters Cut for Being Too Game of Thrones

King Brett Brett: The 20-month old king who loves horsies, cuddles, and cruel and unusual executions.

To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

#SadCartoons

Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons

Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have.

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

Lost Episodes of Frasier

S. 12 Ep. 004: "Night Maris" Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier's building.

April Fool's For Safe Spaces

Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!

Bob Eckstein Get's Wet: New Solo Album

“The long-awaited new album by Bob Eckstein is dropping worldwide April 1st called Eleven Songs About Me, a collection of eleven jazz-infused love songs. The first single is “It’s Not You It’s Him.”

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding

You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.

How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

#BreakfastACollege

Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Dr. Kit Lively's Signs That You're At A Bad Dentist

They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.

Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ

I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.

Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

Me Have Problem with Girl Scout Cookie Season

Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance.

New L'Oréal Cover Boy

Because you're worth it. Today's Pic Quip by Sarah Hutto!

QUIZ: Is it T.S. Eliot or Missy Elliott?

I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.

#SillySpringSlogans

April showers bring Mueller flowers, Sneeze the Day and more #SillySpringSlogans!

The Best Spots in New York to Get A Little Quiet Writing Done

Onstage at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre: Do you have the old play-based creativity-inclusive content bug? Scratch that itch by standing onstage at the Al Hirschfeld during a performance of Kinky Boots and type away.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

Ted Bundy for President in 2020!

Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again.

St. Patrick's Day Limericks

During the St. Paddy's parade, Through vomit, I had to wade, Smells like garbage and piss, Why do people like this? Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.

Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.

#SadSports

10-pin Bawling, Cryaking, Golf and more.

Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly

Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

Updated Religion Slogans for Gen-Z Recruitment

Agnosticism: The Joy of Missing Out, and more.

Prayers to the Internet Algorithm Overlord

You are the purple Lyft light I see, guiding me to the correct path. You are what gets me to my destination, even when I have forgotten what my destination is.

Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues

I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?

Casting Call for Netflix's New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?

Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.

Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group

Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning! Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.

An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020's Possible Best Picture Nominees

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.

#RuinAn80sMovie

A Nightmare On Sesame Street, Pretty in Pink Eye, E.T. the extra-testicle and more.

11 Times Politics Ruined Game Night

How politics ruined Guess Who: “Seriously dude, this whole ‘I don’t see color’ bullshit is really slowing down each round.”

Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!

Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they've found in the torture-room of their parents' opulent home. (AMC) and more.

Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet  

But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing?

What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony

Cohen wasn't stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the "Dress Your Own Baked Potato" bar that was being set up just off camera.

#KnockOffCandy

Shittles, Gummy Sperms, Sweetfarts and more #KnockOffCandy in our comedy hashtag game!

Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)

🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more

A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)

I am frustrated and angry today This is a crisis you cannot ignore running out of time Thomas!

Managing Your Email Notifications

The "Jesus Christ What’s This Newsletter" is a weekly collection of totally unrelated things that are trending on Twitter, hot on Instagram, Snapchat stories and things to click on that have no connection to anything but are guaranteed to distract you.

I’ll Let the Hostages Go When You Agree to a Sky High Sequel

Can you imagine my pain of not living in a Sky High oriented world for so long? The rejection from society turning me into a Sky High pariah? My friends don’t even remember the name of the villain (it’s Gwen).

#FailedBoardGames

No Clue, Sorry, Not Sorry and Frisk. Lots of funny #FailedBoardGames on our trending hashtag game!

Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."

White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

Other Things That Fall Under Trump's Definition Of A National Emergency

Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.

A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners

To be quite honest, we are alarmed at the errors and misconceptions so wantonly presented in your lyrics. We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

Notable Harvard Alumni, Evaluated By How Much of a Dick They Were to Elle Woods

Colin Jost was a total dick and wrote shitty jokes about Bruiser Woods in The Harvard Lampoon.

The Climate Change Diet

Notice that shirt flares around buttons near belly. Consider switching detergents or using a cold-only cycle. Laundry is ruining your wardrobe.

What The Wall Will Actually Be Made Of

Former Trump Staff Members: Why not explore Trump's "human wall" idea further? A pile of former White House staffers would be just as good as your average fence (and no less transparent).

The Craziest Lost Beverly Hills, 90210 Episodes of All Time

“Side Burned” In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”

The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.

Other Bullied Kids Trump Considered Inviting to the State of the Union

But who didn't make the cut this evening? There must be many, many unfortunate souls out there tonight just as deserving? They sit alone watching tonight. We have their names:

The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!

Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She'll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call "the wall" a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary. Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.

When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)

Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!

Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show

MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.

Your Guide to the Super Bowl

A cool piece of trivia to know is that in the olden days, football used to be played with a blown up pig bladder, until one day, someone was like, “Hey guys, why don’t we try using one of these footballs we have lying around instead?”

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Super Bowl Party

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering whether you and Gary are free to watch the Super Bowl with me on Sunday. Just a few friends gathering together, reveling in the thrill and glory of spor—no, not a big party. Just a few friends. Ah, no, Paul won’t be there.

All the Ways We're Avoiding Saying "The Super Bowl" in Our Rent-To-Own Furniture Commercial as to Not Be Sued by the NFL

"New England Loyalists vs Los Angeles Male Sheep" it's time for "Football's Season Finale"!

Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16

There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.

More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad

'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.

The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis

Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.

Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real

5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.

Wilbur Ross’s Tips For Navigating Government Shutdowns

Grab some gold bars. “I usually hold down stacks of paper with an array one-kilo gold bars. If things are tight though, you might want to take a gold bar or two down to the food store and ask them to prepare you a bowl of French Onion soup,”

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019

For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below. I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.

Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville's Moby Dick

The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville's Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables.

Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!

You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.

Trumpism or Coachella Act

The Violent Left, Rude Elevator Screamers, Cash Cash and more.

Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.

Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me

The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.

#ShutdownMusicals

Annie, Sell Your Gun, The Non-Producers, My Welfare Lady and more #ShutdownMusicals

Other Woke Advertising Slogans

Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best and not a trite "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook, which collects all your data and is pure evil. And more.

Awfully Critical Software Updates

Tinder: We read through your messages and we’ve selected you to beta test our new superdislike feature. And more.

Trump's Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees

I've heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!

New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.

I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list.

Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors

We thank you for upholding the idea that even though there's a cheaper, more sensible way to eat, sleep, drink — do virtually anything — you don't care. You want things to stay the same. Because staying the same is the only way we can respect the past and keep people like us alive. You realize that once our business dies off -- and it will -- life will never be the same.

Hubris, Hamartia or HELL YEAH?

We’re all gathered at the Colosseum today to talk about the unsettling allegations against people in my position. And you know that position: dick out.

#NewYearsEveRegrets

Our heads are still ringing in the new year, or just ringing...where's the Tylenol!? Lots of unregretful fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room

Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.

Top Lists Of 2018 List

12 Gluten Free Foods That Taste Almost As Good As People Liking You Again, and more!

I Never Said Goodbye to My Barber

I have recurring nightmares about seeing Sal again. In one, I run into him on the street while I’m sporting a fresh cut. I try explaining that I of course prefer his work, but I’m only in town on holidays, when the shop is closed. Yet he ignores my blathering and thinks I’ve betrayed him. Maybe he’s right.

#UnnecessaryiPhoneFeatures

We really phoned it in and had a lot of fun with this week's…

9 Amazingly Incredible Boxing Day Facts

They say on Boxing Day, if you were good all year, Mike Tyson visits you in the middle of the night and personally punches you in the face. And more.

Frank Loesser, Composer Of Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Rewrites Other Christmas Classics

What child is this? Is she eighteen? I’m asking you, is she legal? I’ll look in her purse when she’s in the can I mustn’t go back to jail.

The Year Santa's OCD Ruined Christmas

He's making a list and checking it twice...he’s checking it again, just to be sure. Oh dear, the “t” on Robert’s name wasn’t quite crossed correctly. Better check the list again. It seems “Sally’s name has one “l” that’s not quite identical to the other “l”. He’d better create a new list.

#ToyWarningLabels

The wonderful season of assembling new toys and realizing how…

The Weekly Humorist Guide To Gadget & Gizmo Gifts That You Have To Have In Order To Remain Relevant To Your Friends, And To Yourself

The folks at Facebook were toying around with the idea of calling this video communication system the Facebook Portal, but let's face it, we know what you disgusting perverts are going to use it for. So, the Facebook Porn-al it is.

I Am the Peppermint Cookie From the Cookie Exchange That Makes All the Other Cookies On Your Cookie Tray Taste Minty

I am the peppermint cookie someone brings every year. I have likely been sprinkled or dusted or otherwise imbued with crushed candy cane. That crushed candy cane likely glistens. Perhaps I have an Andes candy baked and melted all up in my innards. For all we know I have been infused with some peppermint extract. No matter what guise I adopt this year, the result is the same. I am going to make every other cookie on your cookie tray taste like it’s been dipped in Listerine. The blue kind of Listerine.

California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter WARNING: This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump.

Busta Dissident And 7 Other Rapper Names For Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin wants Russia to control rap music.  So, to give…

A Class-Action Lawsuit Against Wayne Enterprises

Pursuant to Gotham City legal statutes, you are hereby given notice that my clients, your former employees, intend to commence a class-action lawsuit against Wayne Enterprises and its subsidiaries to demand change to the abusive working conditions at Wayne Tech Fulfillment Centers. Many are scared to take bathroom breaks as your employee handbook frequently states “CRIME DOESN’T TAKE A BREAK!”

‘Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice

Nothing is more magical than winter. How does ice happen? Where…

#2018in5Words

So, our typically fun little weekly hashtag game turned into…

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

TBA: Smockey Bear And 7 Other Official Changes In Spelling

Look for White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to announce the following official changes in spelling to prove that Trump’s spelling ‘smoking gun’ ‘smocking gun’ wasn’t a mistake, just a preview of a new federal spelling policy.

Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio's proposed shared "RebaVerse". And more.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

Only A True ‘80s Kid Can Name The ‘80s Sitcoms That Spawned These Popular Catchphrases

“Punky Brewster, stop eating our cat this instant!” & “Mr. Belvedere was my father’s name. It is also my name. Please call me that.”

PETA: Words Matter

PETA says stop using language that keeps animals out of your pants!

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

#CoffeeSlogans

Make Americano Great Again, Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive. And more #CoffeeSlogans

Manager Handbook Chapter 12: So You’ve Hired A Woman. Now What?

Hiring competent people, regardless of their gender, is an important aspect of any manager’s job, but in today’s post #MeToo world, men in positions of power need to take certain precautions when they decide to allow a female into an office environment. No doubt she’s going to wreak some havoc simply by having breasts and walking around, so it’s important to prepare your male employees by requesting they review these guidelines and procedures should they have to interface with her.

Packaging Copy on Egg Cartons that Allows You to Buy Eggs in Good Conscience

Eggs from hens who listen to assorted podcasts to prevent incubation from being stultifying and who create and innovate using a 3-D printer in the henhouse computer lab.

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since…

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY: CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

"Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza" audiobook, 54 cents, and more.

Reheated Thanksgiving Horror Flicks

I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole...you get it.

Safe Topics To Discuss This Thanksgiving

Pottery.    

Rockefeller Turkey Farm- Turkeys You Can Be Proud Of

Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who've each earned a liberal arts degree.

‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts

With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows...

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of…

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

I’m still not sure how I died. Maybe I had a heart attack,…

My Digital Cleanse Starts Today

Am I nervous about adjusting to non-digital life? Sure. How do people know if someone has been brave if not with the hashtag #brave? How will I know if someone is talking to me if they don’t tag my handle in their reply? I’m hoping to find answers during my cleanse.

QUIZ: Mid-Century Furniture Designer or Guttural Exclamation As I Accept My Rightful Place As Satan’s Eternal Concubine?

Eames, EEEEAAAAAMES!!, Saarinen, SAARINEEEEEEEN!!

Jonathan Franzen's Other Rules For Novelists

Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother -- distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.

#FutureRealityTV

We come from the FUTURE to tell you about the very important…

If You Tag Someone In This Post, I Might Be Able To Keep This Job

Tag someone who hasn’t seen the sun set but still has a Facebook account somehow. Probably because they are a troll, but even clicks from trolls might help me keep this late-night social media shift and move to a place with 5 or 6 fewer roommates.

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!