TBA: Smockey Bear And 7 Other Official Changes In Spelling

Look for White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to announce the following official changes in spelling to prove that Trump’s spelling ‘smoking gun’ ‘smocking gun’ wasn’t a mistake, just a preview of a new federal spelling policy.

Worst Movies of the Year

RebaCop- How about a movie exactly like Robocop, but as portrayed by country music act Reba McEntire? Um, no thanks. And audiences for once agreed. At least this failure saves us from the possibility of the studio's proposed shared "RebaVerse". And more.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

Only A True ‘80s Kid Can Name The ‘80s Sitcoms That Spawned These Popular Catchphrases

“Punky Brewster, stop eating our cat this instant!” & “Mr. Belvedere was my father’s name. It is also my name. Please call me that.”

PETA: Words Matter

PETA says stop using language that keeps animals out of your pants!

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

#CoffeeSlogans

Make Americano Great Again, Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive. And more #CoffeeSlogans

Manager Handbook Chapter 12: So You’ve Hired A Woman. Now What?

Hiring competent people, regardless of their gender, is an important aspect of any manager’s job, but in today’s post #MeToo world, men in positions of power need to take certain precautions when they decide to allow a female into an office environment. No doubt she’s going to wreak some havoc simply by having breasts and walking around, so it’s important to prepare your male employees by requesting they review these guidelines and procedures should they have to interface with her.

Packaging Copy on Egg Cartons that Allows You to Buy Eggs in Good Conscience

Eggs from hens who listen to assorted podcasts to prevent incubation from being stultifying and who create and innovate using a 3-D printer in the henhouse computer lab.

C’EST TOXIQUE (For The Man Who Isn’t Afraid Of A Few Non-Existent Side Effects)

C’est Toxique is a real cologne, for real men, and it definitely won’t make you incontinent.

Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since…

New on Netflix: December 2018

Here's A List Of What's Coming To Netflix For December, 2018... American…

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Joke’s On You, Starbucks… The Screenplay I’m Writing In Your Store Is Far Worse Than Any Porn I Could Watch

The screenplay I’m writing in the middle of your store is far worse than any pornography I could be watching.

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.

Holiday Maladies

LegNog: Most often caused by being bitten in the leg by a reindeer with lyme disease. And more.

Silence of the Notifications

INT. PRISON — DAY: CLARICE, a young FBI agent, approaches a cell where MARK ZUCKERBERG is being contained.

Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

"Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza" audiobook, 54 cents, and more.

Reheated Thanksgiving Horror Flicks

I Spit On Your Gravy, Silence Of The Yams, Soylent Green Bean Casserole...you get it.

Safe Topics To Discuss This Thanksgiving

Pottery.    

Rockefeller Turkey Farm- Turkeys You Can Be Proud Of

Here at Rockefeller Turkey Farm, not only are our turkeys vegetarian fed, organic, and free range, they are the only turkeys anywhere who've each earned a liberal arts degree.

‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts

With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows...

Out Of My Way, We’re Boarding the Same Flight

I have a small personal item such as a laptop computer, iPad or E-reader. Actually, I have a laptop, iPad, and E-reader. I also have an iPod. Remember those? I have no idea why I have it, but I will drop it at least once during the flight, after drinks are served, and will create a ruckus to retrieve it.

A Parental Guide To The Wertz Thanksgiving

Parents have been using the HAA (Holidays Association of…

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

6 Features Of The 2019 Toyota Highlander That’ll Have You Rethinking Your Stance On Murder Because Hiding The Bodies Would Be So Goddamn Convenient

Never let a subpar towing capacity restrict your zeal for blood sport ever again! Depending on the size of the package you select, the 2019 Toyota Highlander can pull upwards of 5,000 pounds!

I Came Back as a Cockroach and Everything is Perfect Now

I’m still not sure how I died. Maybe I had a heart attack,…

My Digital Cleanse Starts Today

Am I nervous about adjusting to non-digital life? Sure. How do people know if someone has been brave if not with the hashtag #brave? How will I know if someone is talking to me if they don’t tag my handle in their reply? I’m hoping to find answers during my cleanse.

QUIZ: Mid-Century Furniture Designer or Guttural Exclamation As I Accept My Rightful Place As Satan’s Eternal Concubine?

Eames, EEEEAAAAAMES!!, Saarinen, SAARINEEEEEEEN!!

Jonathan Franzen's Other Rules For Novelists

Treat the reader like you would treat your own mother -- distantly but politely. Call the reader once a year but no more.

#FutureRealityTV

We come from the FUTURE to tell you about the very important…

If You Tag Someone In This Post, I Might Be Able To Keep This Job

Tag someone who hasn’t seen the sun set but still has a Facebook account somehow. Probably because they are a troll, but even clicks from trolls might help me keep this late-night social media shift and move to a place with 5 or 6 fewer roommates.

What to Watch for at Billy Beckham’s Long-Awaited Funeral Service

Now, allegedly, Cassandra has invited Rebecca to the funeral and wants her to sit with the family DESPITE Jackie’s clear objections! Get ready for the fireworks, especially if Rebecca has already been in the Moscato!

Talk that Trump Jr. to be indicted by Mueller soon... Or, as Trump Sr. will say...

“Heard he wet the bed. He’s no Trump. Everyone knows we have hookers do that for us.”

Democrat House Of Representatives To Do List

Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.

New “I’m Not a Robot” Tests

Here’s a photo of your family. Click on the people you no longer talk to. Then click on the people who have asked to borrow money.

A Summary For My Class On My White House Internship

They tell me that, with how much they promote people, I could probably be running the EPA, HUD, or even state department by next summer.

#ElectionHangoverCures

Ask for a recount of what you drank last night...Ugh, our head. What happened? Are we saved? Did we wake up from this political waking nightmare? NO! Just kidding! But we had some fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!

Meet Your New and Improved Elected Representatives!

Indicted for Campaign Corruption, Securities Fraud, Self-published Bigfoot Erotica and more fun from our elected officials!

SO, YOU VOTED. WELL, WHOOP-DE-DOO

When I was a kid, we couldn’t look up candidates on the internet. In fact, we didn’t even know who the candidates were, only that they all had gout. We used to just vote on whoever had least serious case of gout. That’s how Uncle Henry almost became Mayor in ’72. He wasn’t really my uncle. That was just a childhood nickname that stuck. Never did get to be mayor, though. Turned out he had a bad case of shrub pox that came on right before election day.

Pop Quiz: Our Gang Little Rascal or Alternative Rock Band

Zebrahead, Alfalfa, Froggy, Weezer and more.

Those Self-important Scientists Warning About The Dangers Of The Plague-infected Giant Rats In America Need To Stay In Their Lane

Whelp, they’re at it again, folks. When will those infectious disease scientists at the so-called Center for Disease Control ever quit their fear-mongering and just do their jobs? Yes, a few of those giant rats Americans love keeping as pets have contracted an illness that’s made them prone to violent outbursts in which they occasionally tear the flesh off their owners’ faces, but these scientists are making it sound like that’s some out of control situation.

Wake Up, America!

ANCHOR 2: Our thoughts are with the victims and their families. ANCHOR 1: Thoughts. Prayers. ANCHOR 2: Yes, of course, thoughts and prayers. ANCHOR 1: And now: How to look like a celebrity, on a budget!

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Republicans to Physically Flip When Your State Flips Republican

Your Coworker Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.

Ways To Painlessly Kill Time Until Election Results Are Available

Call your mom and let her tell you about what's been happening on Grey's Anatomy. See if David Hasselhoff will accept your Facebook friend request. And more.

Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you've voted, please don't then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.

Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you'll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.

Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections

Grumpy Dwarf, 1035 yrs, Coal City, WV, Miner Coal is the future!

The White House’s Kavanaugh Celebration Party

Sean Hannity has a VIP table in one corner. Alex Jones is here. His shirt is already off. Roger Stone is seen handing out small red flyers about an orgy he’s hosting the following night.

Dr. Frankenstein Describes That Time He Made Beto O’Rourke

I now begin to collect the materials necessary for my new creation,…

Quiz: Literary Journal or Comic Book Villain

Ploughshares, Prometheus, Glimmer Train, Zyzzyva and more.

WebMD.gov Entry for Trump Derangement Syndrome in the Year 2030

Overview The first cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome (or TDS)…

Thank You For Attending This Memorial Service, Please Vote On November 6th

  Thank you for joining us today at St. Ben’s as we honor…

Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those…

Every Show I’ve Pitched Food Network That They’ve Rejected Because They’re Cowards

Does This Taste Like It’s Gone Bad? Country Cookin’ in Cookin’ Country with Casey Cook, Lick Guy Fieri’s Earring and more.

Repurposing Halloween Junk Into Thanksgiving And Christmas Junk!

Leftover Halloween candy (yeah, right) can be used as Christmas…

Key Takeaways from Horror Films

Alien: When you eat with co-workers, something is likely to spill…

Your Guide To The Hottest Halloween Parties!

Thomas' House Kind of a bummer this time around, as his mom's…

Online Job Posting For New Opening Of Head Coach at Cleveland Browns

Making words and combining them to create newer and better words! SUPER WORDS! Words like HARDLAND!!! BELIEVELAND!!! etc...

John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no "hush money" designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.

#SlasherSitcoms

My Knife and Kids, Charles in Chunks, and more Gore-filled TV comedies this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Every Beatle, Ranked

Cute Beatle: Paul, Smart Beatle: John, Quiet Beatle: George, Funny Beatle: Ringo, Evil Beatle: Azrael and more.

Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

Top Fantastical NFL Halloween Costumes

Unharmed NFL Spouse, Team Owner The Doesn't Harbor Secret Racist Feelings, Employed Protesting Quarterback and more.

Terrifying White House Inspired Halloween Costumes

Sexy Mitch McConnell, Zombie Mitch McConnell, just Mitch McConnell. And more.

Rejected 'Halloween' Masks

Did you know that Micheal Myers’ original mask from “Halloween” was actually just a Captain Kirk mask painted white? Believe it or not, Kirk was not the only iconic television star of the day to be considered.

Failed Halloween Treats

Fresh water taffy, Caramel-Coated Pine Cones, Topless Trading Cards Featuring Photos Of Your Mom In Her 20’s and more.

Sorry, Ken Burns, But Your Eleven-and-a-Half-Hour Civil War Documentary Is Not Real Comedy

It feels like these days it’s fashionable to make just about anything and call it “comedy.” Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think if it was good enough for Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, and Jerry Seinfeld, it’s good enough for me. So I’ve got to speak the truth about the latest so-called “comedy” special I saw on Netflix this weekend:

‘Beaver Tails’ and Other Stocks to Buy Now That Pot is Legal in Canada

Got the munchies eh? These are the stocks to watch!

Revised Major League Baseball Team Names Under The Rule Of Its New Commissioner, A Guy Who Loves Happy Days

Oakland Aaaaaaaaaas, Houston Space Fonzies, Texas Cowboy Fonzies and more.

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee

Whip out your 7 Sutra Ionic Heat Brushes from your purse and cry, “What more do you people want from me?”. And more.

#SpookyExcusesForBeingLate

It was a funny, excuse filled haunting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #8 in USA! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

Haunted Houses for Dads

This haunted house is filled with socks. I can handle this, you think, I love socks! You sift through the piles and a vague feeling of dread envelops you as you realize there are no white crew socks anywhere. Only ankle socks and no-shows. All garishly colored. You look down at your feet and your white crew socks are gone. Replaced with ridiculous-looking, no-show socks that are…blue? What the hell? You grab a hideous sock from the pile that is threatening to engulf you and stuff it in your mouth to quell the screaming.

Sorry, Boss, But I'm Still Processing the Ariana Grande/Pete Davidson Breakup

No. No, I didn't know either of them personally. I knew them through their work. Well, his work. You know, on SNL. The "Chad the Pool Boy" sketches. I'm not really into current pop music, so I'm not too familiar with her songs.

Seeking Entry Level Sidekick For Prominent Superhero

Qualifications: Able to handle quippy dialogue. Tragic backstory. Skilled with using Quickbooks Pro.

Other Horror Movie Remakes That Will Be Following The New Halloween Model...

The Amityville Horror: The house is no longer haunted, but there are a few foundation problems that probably need to be looked at. And that front porch is going to need a bit of work, for sure. And more.

We Regret to Inform You That We Have Rejected Your Job Application From Our Pop-Up Halloween Store (in The Old Kmart)

Thank you for your interest in Halloween MegaStore. Unfortunately, we decided to go in a different direction. The “blood-spattered” paper your resume was on certainly caught our eye. It also soaked my desk...

Hallmark Halloween Movies

Pumpkin Spicy: Ryan, a nice Christian man who probably voted for Trump — but it won’t come up — always wins the town’s annual pie contest with his classic pumpkin pie. But this year he has a new adversary — Sophie. And more.

Unsubscribe Response or Pleading Text from My Ex?

Ending things can be rough, for both significant others and insignificant brands. Please love us.

Relationship-Wrecked With Dr. Kit Lively

Dear Dr. Kit...How can you tell if your boyfriend is a serial killer? Are there obvious signs that I may be missing? I found a bloodied selection of what appear to be human teeth in a small pile in his workshop, and that's gotten me to thinking... there have been other things that I may be overlooking as well. What do you think?

Tips for Becoming A Good Sailor Taken from Different Periods Throughout History

1700s: Teach your parrot to say naughty things. It cannot be overstated how important this is.

#ScaryStoriesForAdults

It was a spooky, suspenseful and sad boost of adulting this week on our Weekly Humorist Witty Wednesday Hashtag game! On @HashtagRoundUp powered by @TheHashtagGame. We trended #5 in USA and make it to Twitter Moments! Play our comedy hashtag twitter games every Wednesday at 11 am EST.

News Stories You May Have Missed During The Kavanaugh Fiasco...

Nudists Not Allowed In Cake Shop, Birdhouse Projects On The Up And Up, and more headlines you missed!

Coffee is for Voters

You think this is abuse? You can't take this -- how can you take another term and a half of Trump? I can go out there in November with the candidates you got, make myself a new Senate Judiciary Committee. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! Get mad! Get mad!! You know what it takes to vote? You just have to be registered.

TESTIFY Fearless Flying Program

Counseling nervous flyers and victims of sexual assault since…

The Cool Things About Wearing A Crime-Fighting Symbiote

Emasculating embarrassments on the tether-ball court are a thing of the past, my toothy friend!

How to Save Football

At a recent NFL owners meeting, owners expressed great concern at the steep drop in television viewership and the cataclysmic decline in attendance. They asked, what can we do to save football? Simple. One thing. Make the whole game the opening sequence of NBC’s Sunday Night Football. That’s it. Sixty minutes of Carrie Underwood. In a fringed leather bustier.

Prizes For Trump Now That Winning Nobel Peace Prize is Kaput

Cracker Jacks ‘Prize Inside the Box’     That’s…

A Sampling Of Brett Kavanaugh's Home Brewed Beers

Small Wood Double IPA: A hoppy beer with nutty undertones and a strong hint of male entitlement. The presidential beer of choice. Sausage Fest Pale Ale: A favorite among prep school boys and GOP members of the House Judiciary Committee. And more...

As Long As You Work Here, You Have The Opportunity To Be Harassed

Google Douchebag is the first fully autonomous, humanoid A.I. that’s been programmed to do exactly one thing – harass all of you indiscriminately. Why? Because we are a company built on equality, inclusion, and robots.

#HorrorSports

I Know What You Did Last Summer Olympics, Synchronised Skinning, Ben Roethlismurder and more #HorrorSports from our trending hashtag game!

LEAKED: The Full Set of Rules for Reading the FBI’s Kavanaugh Report

Inside the room are a series of objects that contain clues on how to unlock the box. Do not break any of the items to find clues. All items are on personal loan from Tobin and Squi.

The VERY URGENT Presidential Alerts!

I heard what you said about me earlier today, and the secret service guys should be knocking down your door in 3... 2... 1.... Okay, ha, just kidding! But try to think before you speak next time, 'kay?

How to Carve a Pumpkin, as Explained by Ronnie the Pumpkin

Everything you love will be ripped away from you. Always pick a shiny pumpkin!

President Trump's Pre-Hearing Notes For Brett Kavanaugh

Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don't say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.

LEAKED: The White House Approved Kavanaugh FBI Interview List!

"David Dennison" Donald Trump Jr. “Bart O’Kavanaugh,”Anthony Kennedy and more.

I’ll Never Forget When I First Saw You (on Tinder While I Was Pooping)

Some say romance is dead. I myself had all but given up on love. Then I saw you. I’ll never forget it: I was sitting on the toilet as my bowels evacuated, mindlessly swiping away on Tinder, when you appeared on the screen.

As a Father of a Son, I’m Very Concerned About Recent Events

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!

11 Statements More Accurate Than "Boys Will Be Boys”

Girls Will Be Paid Less, Dick Pics Will Be Unsolicited and more.

I Testify Before Congress in All My Fantasies

I can’t imagine anything more erotic than telling my story to America’s preeminent misogynists. Sweating in their suits as they question me. Wagging their erect fingers at me for slowing down an appointment critical to their agenda. Holy shit, my legs are quaking!

Brett Kavanaugh's 1982 Calendar

{ Official Transcript of provided Brett Kavanaugh 1982 Calendar } July 10 – “Visit Yale, Remember Visine.” July 21 - "Hypothetical Plans" July 22 – “Buy gag dick” – (X’d out)

Uncle Craig, We Really Need to Talk About What Happened at Family Feud Last Week

As you know, it's been a full week since our taping of Family Feud in Atlanta. Yes, we're disappointed that we lost. Badly. And, sure, it would have been nice to have the opportunity to play for $20,000 in the Fast Money round, plus a chance at winning a brand-new, fully-loaded Ford Edge. But that's not what this is about.

Holy Moley Genitals, Batman! Other Times That Batman Has Exposed His Penis...

The Justice League's Christmas Parties, 1984 - 1997, at which point HR had to step in and get involved.

Who Said It: Acclaimed Murder-Mystery Novelist Agatha Christie or Stand Up Comedian John Mulaney?

“No! In fact, we’re going to frame you for murder!” / "I saw a wheelchair knocked over on it’s side… with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle. But probably not.' and more.

Carpool Karaoke, Sir Paul McCartney, Deleted Scenes

Sir Paul McCartney, (V.O.): That's it. Now put a little more wrist into it. Oh, look 'round there. It's the basement where the lads and I would bust a nut. Those were the original lyrics to "Yesterday," you know. I needed three syllables. Bah-dah-dum.

Is Your Dating App Match, A Bit Too Much Of A Match? Welcome to Incestry FAQ

Is this new person you find so relatable someone that you're actually related to? Let's find out!

#PassiveAggressiveHeadlines

Let's play #PassiveAggressiveHeadlines with @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame #WittyWednesday

Ethics Training for the Galactic Empire

Welcome to the Galactic Empire Ethics Training. Upon completion of this learning module you will take an aptitude test graded by your managing Sith Lord. A failing score is punishable by a force-choke that may result in death, but what we’re really looking for here is effort!

Childhood Games Updated For Adulthood

All your favorites! Truth or Dare To Speak To Your Manager, Duck, Duck; Sagging Caboose, 7 Minutes in the Dermatologist’s Office, Musical Chairs With Lumbar Support and more.

Look. We All Had Fun Laughing About Toad From Mario Kart. Now Can We Get Back To Talking About How Rainbow Road Is Total Bullshit?

Yeah. Sure. We’ve all heard the jokes by now: the character Toad has a weird, bulbous head. Har har har. Now can we get our minds out of the gutter and start talking about actual issues, people?

Every Known Sports Venue “Cam"

Kiss Cam you've heard of, but what about the Kiss Cam Cam? Another camera captures the guy operating the Kiss Cam, and he and his Kiss Cam camera have to kiss. It’s fun! And more.

theSkramm: Girl, WTF?!? The World is Spinning OUT OF CTRL!

What, you're still here? Haven't you read enough of this horrible, disheartening junk yet? Don't expect me to pull you out of the dark hole you're about to fall into. I can barely hang on myself. Christ...

The Tremendous Space Force Planning Meeting

The next twenty-five minutes consists of President Trump going into great detail about what the Space Force line of toys needs to be. Action figures, shuttles, rockets, even a home base control room. Of course, the showcase of the toys is a super fit Donald Trump action figure in a glittering stars and stripes Mylar jumpsuit. The little guy is surprisingly pulling off those knee-high boots.

I Will Protest Nike by Burning All of My Shoes

And starting this week, I am taking my protest to the streets! This is because my message is gaining ground, and also because my house burned down in a shoe-related fire.

New iPhone Features That NO ONE Wanted

Blood analysis port that tests you for STDs, and then loudly announces the results every five minutes until the battery runs out...and more.

The Top Romantic Comedies of 2098

Future problems: Nuclear war, A.I. domination, Emboldened gangs of cockroaches. Same issues: Finding a man for that quirky but lovable single lady!

Things Famous Men Can Talk About In An Interview Other Than Masturbation

Recently an interview Paul McCartney did for GQ regales readers with a story about masturbating with John Lennon. Possibly, it seems, famous men need a helpful list of things to talk about in interviews that are not masturbating.

New Programming for Fall Season: TV Mashups

Loveboat NCIS, West Wing World, Golden Girls of Gilead Got Talent and more.

Wild Horses Can’t Drag Us Apart, Oy Vey’ and 7 Other Rolling Stone Lyrics Made Age Appropriate

Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age...

A Day-In-The-Life of Alex Jones’ College Intern

6:45 AM: I hardly slept a wink all night. I start my internship…

Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward's 'Fear: Trump In The White House'

Bob Woodward's apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency,…

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Marriage - by Anonymous

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

#RuinACookie

You guys are cooking up some great ways to #RuinACookie! Here are some of the best from our weekly twitter game!

Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On

Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?

To Whoever Finds This Note

I'm sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don't have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons. Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag. Eat that banana.

Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections

Orange traffic cone, Box set of Ted Nugent CDs and more.

What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh's haircut reminds him of Judge Judy's...and more.

This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato…

REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’

After the health food craze of the '80s gave way to the comfort…

#CrappyCollegeCourses

Being enrolled in these #CrappyCollegeCourses might be the only…

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

Situations like this can force one’s hand. Now, more often than not situations like these don’t involve eating another person, but if it did, and I’m not saying it would, this is who I’d suggest we start with.

New Requirements For Voter Registration Under The Trump Administration

Birth Certificate showing proof of birth in the US. If not born in the US, must be hot European model...

The New York Times Visits the Town That Votes for Donald Trump Again Every Day

And every day, the residents of this small town take a regimented break at noon to head to their local polling place and vote for Donald Trump, a man who is already president...

Reasons It's Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze

Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn't good for you. What a slap in the face! But don't despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these...

A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

#FakeSummerStories

These #FakeSummerStories are truly unbelievable! Here are some…

Your List Of Junior College Back To School Supplies

*** Please buy at least three of each, as most of your stuff…

Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.