One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”

To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job…I need it bad!

"One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

They are obsessed with primping, but seem to be allergic to showers and baths. They are perfectly content to be alone. But if you leave them alone for too long, they’ll almost certainly ruin some furniture. TEEN or CAT? Take the quiz!

Yuck Woolery, Lames Corden, Drool Carey, and more #RoastAHost on this week's trending joke game!

“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.” Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same. Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure* that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. *Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

No, seriously! Everyone’s heard of me, but no one actually knows what I taste like or even how to spell my name! Close your eyes and try to picture it right now. Ha! Told you! No one can spell it!

Here’s an important rule to remember about penises: they should never be a surprise. You need consent from whoever you plan on showing your dingaling to before it makes an appearance. I don’t recall you getting on the mic and asking for the audience’s permission.

Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs. 

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

The word Google but the two o’s are an image of Dolly holding her two massive, natural, milky white dinner plates. The doodle would be a callback to her former life as a waitress at Dobb’s House Restaurant before she got her big break in the music industry.

“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR

This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game.    Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.   

Skort - a skirt that is also shorts / Jorts - shorts made from jeans/ Jort-Ski - when you ride a Kawasaki personal watercraft wearing jorts (see also, JortRunner) and more!

I tried to intervene, shaking the facilitator by the shirt lapels, waving smelling salts, and presenting a viral tweet about cheese. I said, “Come back to me!” But an argument broke out about whether it was the same year here as it was in Europe. “I’m telling you,” someone said. “I know for a fact that American women have been voting for at least the past two years.” “With their ANKLES SHOWING?” said the facilitator.

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

Horror OR Hallmark: Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather - a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now…and make you his bride! ( That was an easy one. No? Still confused? Jeez, ok try a few more...)

We are under attack! This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not since open floor plans became trendy has our industry been in this much danger of fading into obscurity. The ‘one entrance, one exit’ movement sweeping the nation is putting our entire sector at risk. If your livelihood depends on the fabrication, sale, and installation of doors, then this is no laughing matter.

The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet! 

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades. 

Welcome to the Breastish Museum in London, a Victorian brownstone dedicated to celebrating women, whose fronts have been at the center of the art world for millennia. On our top floor, we pay homage to masterpieces that supported the idea of breasts as the one power women had in classical antiquity. Indeed, most forward-thinking, high-minded male painters who influenced modern philosophy and pioneered cultural movements (European Neoclassicism, for example,) had the genius to recognize the need for women to bare their chests whenever possible. 

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Don’t worry, I'm ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. 

Leave It To Reefer, Herb Your Enthusiasm, Parks & Recreational Drugs, and more #StonedSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Loo Costello, Pee Pee Herman, Piss Rock, and more #CommodeAComedian on this week's trending joke game!

This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt features a smiling earth with a playful wink. You’ll notice that this is very different from last year’s I Love The Earth tie-dye t-shirt, which showed a smiling earth with both eyes closed. Let everyone know you care about sustainability, without getting caught wearing last year’s style!

Now that things are moving slowly back toward somewhat normal, you can toss your guests' coats onto your bed, rather than onto your back lawn before setting them all on fire.

Picture this. You. Me. Grandma. No scary shrouded man with the long hair. I’m honestly doing you all a favor by calling this out. Can you imagine how fun Easter would be if death wasn’t the creamy center of the Cadbury egg?

White Wine Castle, Gin & Sonic, Jersey Mike's Hard Lemonade, and more #DrunkFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck.

Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? …skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? …avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse? If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?

Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney's Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

THE FILM ADVERTISED HAS BEEN RATED R FOR: THEMATIC ELEMENTS, PERVASIVE LANGUAGE, TOO MANY PUNS FOR MY LIKING, DEPICTIONS OF ANIMATED PENGUINS IN ADULT SITUATIONS, and more!

The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep. 

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.