PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

The Coat Man: When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing.

Payday Pooch. Today's cartoon by Todd Condron.

There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!

Guess Who's Guilty? Today's cartoon by Chris Shorten.

Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I’m not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it.

Paw-fect Getaway. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.

Audition for next season’s “Golden Bachelor” and more!

Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn't even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

Fierce Feline! Today's cartoon by Amelia Cossentino,

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no?

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any  new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc.  we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your  whole new you.

Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool.

Boilin’ Hot Mountain Dew, Soppin Wet Doritos, Pepsi flavored Coke, and more!

We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win.

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Hare-raising Conspiracies. Today's cartoon by Jose Arroyo and Rob Kutner.

Hear about the Himalayas? Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.

The HORROR! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

Stick it in! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.

Begins with a fin! Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

Room to breathe? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Don't care to share? Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevec.

Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!   

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

Still hard to find a bathroom. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!