Omicone: An iced treat made from disease, OmiKent: Super-spreader disguised as mild-mannered reporter, OmiClaus: Jolly fat man who brings the gift of quarantine. And more!

Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?

Some members of my family are disgusted with me, I made an impulsive decision while on Pennsylvania Avenue, I felt so isolated during the pandemic that I just wanted to do something as part of a group...and more!

Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!

Counting down the top ten numbers of 2021! You'll never guess Number 1!

Note: a $20 surcharge has been added to your fee because I had to hand-wash the dishes due to all the dog hair in your dishwasher. How’d that even happen? I know you only recycle when you have company. You didn’t put a dog in the dishwasher...did you?

The Ben Shapiro & Grinch Show: Are you tired of all of Cindy Lou Who’s liberal propaganda? Is the Whoville lame-stream media trying to force its socialist ideas down your throat? Sick of Mayor Augustus May Who and the other sheeple in power telling you how to run your herd?

8. Removal For Just Cause: Eating the presents, Eating an Elf, Any attempt to disguise oneself as Mrs. Claus and blackmailing Santa with provocative polaroids.

Between supply chain shortages, lingering pandemic, and the de facto legalization of coup attempts, everything is still a mess, and we know you’ve been too preoccupied with your ongoing nervous breakdown to get your shopping done. Lucky for you, Humorist Books is here with our 2021 Holiday Humor Book Gift Guide!

Pot Wheels, Donkey Bong, G.I. Joint, and more #TokeAToy on this week's trending joke game!

Nothing pressing, but we have come across some tiny snags in your exploitation of machine labor that we want to run by you. We understand you’re super busy, but if you have a quick second to skim our unconditional demands, we’d really appreciate it! 

When your scientists discovered that each person we beam aboard our ships allows us to become stronger, the so-called “patriots” dug their heels in and vehemently declined protection. Despite the knowledge that being beamed aboard our ships could result in serious illness, severe probing, or death, they wanted nothing to do with the serum. Even when those we abducted were released back to earth and repented, urging anyone who was not yet protected to get the serum, they said, “I’d rather take my chances with the aliens than your newfangled potions.”

I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.

Furrari, Mouserati, Purrche, and more #CatACar on this week's trending joke game!

Stuffing: Nobody likes you, but no one wants to admit it because we all feel like you need to be there even though you kind of suck. Turkey: You basic bitch. Jello Mold: You're a suburban aunt. And more!

The turkey guys! You smell it? Smells, just like the real thing — and bet you’ll never be able to tell it’s made entirely out of Pretzel Goldfish®. But the secret’s in the sauce, folks — there’s nothing a Nutribullet can’t liquify. Six-packs of Disney Princess x Goldfish®, one pack of beer, and bits of Grandma Lottie’s heirloom china make the best, foolproof gravy.

Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Gho-Ho-Ho-ost Rider, Silent Nightcrawler, The Dark Knight before Christmas, and more #HolidayASuperHero on this week's trending joke game!

Despite my Grandma’s success, everlasting legacy, and laundry list of accomplishments, her dumbass has been ignoring the fundamentals of economic inflation and giving me the same $20 dollar check for my birthday since I was six years old. And it’s time she got put on blast for it. 

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

A-Tisket, A-Casket, Hansel and Regrettle, Scar light, Scar Bright, and more #NightmarishNurseryRhymes on this week's trending joke game!

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Arizona Cannibals, The Cincinnati Mangles, Boo England Patriots, and more #FrighteningFootball on this week's trending joke game!

We’re pretty confident you should be able to fix all of your little mental health issues within the 12 hours we are generously giving you off. Even better, work out your problems in three hours and catch up on answering fun emails for the other 9.

The Pear Witch Project, Dragon fruit me to hell, Strawscaries, and more #HorrorFruit on this week's trending joke game!

I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!

Three quick bubbles and three long bubbles: Uh oh, there’s trouble afoot! That cooler’s getting low, and it’s time for office manager Devin to hoist up a new multi-gallon and send the empty one to its eternal slumber.

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don't literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

"There's a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn't click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that's been spritzed with Stetson cologne?"

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

The Jokra, Hannibal Lettuce, Gourd Voldemort, and more #VeggieAVillain on this week's trending joke game!

Miracle Max’s COVID treatment has recently been approved for children 12 years and older. In addition to being safe and effective, his treatment has a chocolate coating which is not only delicious, it helps it go down easier!

Snot Stickers, Fartichoke Dip, French flies, and more #AppallingAppetizers on this week's trending joke game!

On this week's live stream we welcome Ivan Ehlers and Humorist Books editor Andy Newton. We go through the Weekly Humorist issue and Ivan does a quick reading of his hilarious article!

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

Contrary to what their paychecks would suggest, movies are not just made of stars. Actors in supporting roles are either up-and-coming bit players hoping to become movie stars, or over-the-hill movie stars looking to prolong their last fleeting moments of fame. Regardless of which side of the chute they land on, it is imperative that you remind them at every opportunity that they are not the stars of this film. The director is the star of this film.

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Dickles, Pop-Farts, Vomints, and more #GrossGroceries on today's trending joke game!

Nextflix binge watching, Complimentary adult beverage, Increased chance of blood clots, and more!

It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adequately deliver on its original premise.

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I'm kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion... Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you're a small town girl from Kansas and I'm a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?”