Trump Live-Tweets the Cats Movie

I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!

VAXIM Magazine

Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A "Riser"? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!

Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord

153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any given day of the week: I mean it, there are no exceptions to this rule. Although it is only two beats total, my cat is trained to wake me at the opening sound of any Netflix show.

Translating Your Office Water Cooler’s Little Gurgle Noises

Three quick bubbles and three long bubbles: Uh oh, there’s trouble afoot! That cooler’s getting low, and it’s time for office manager Devin to hoist up a new multi-gallon and send the empty one to its eternal slumber.

#FartyFantasyFilms

Final Fartasy, Raiders of the Lost Fart, The Eversmelling Story, and more #FartyFantasyFilms, on this week's trending joke game!

Are You There God? It’s Me, Sarah From pdfFiller

Are you there God? It’s me again, Sarah from pdfFiller. I’m emailing you at 3:21 am on a Wednesday because if you sign up right now you can start your risk-free pdfFiller 30-day trial, enabling you to integrate all your forms into one secure location and edit them in Wizard Mode. I bet God has a lot of important PDFs. 

Stop Degrading My Stories with Your Smut: A Plea from a Former Mad Libs Writer

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

At The Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Stand

Mr. Rourke: Hello, and welcome to the Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience. How may we facilitate your yogurt fantasies today?

I'm Your Computer Keyboard And I'm Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.

17 Ways To Make It Seem Like You’re Still Listening When You’ve Stopped Paying Attention

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don't literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

#BookAFruit

War & Peach, The Lime Machine, The Karma Fruitra, and more #BookAFruit on this week's trending joke game!

WHO TED IT: Lasso or Nugent?

“As the man once said, the harder you work, the luckier you get.” “Every hateful statement ever made about me is a dirty lie.” And more!

Most Commonly Accessed FAQs On The Farmers Only Website

"There's a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn't click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that's been spritzed with Stetson cologne?"

How To Install An Outdoor Trampoline Basketball Hoop (Or Anything Else Requiring Assembly)

Step #1 - Read the instructions. Step #2 - Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD. Step #3 - Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2.

#MoistenAMovie

When Harry Wet Sally, Rainspotting, Monty Python and the Holy Pail. and more #MoistenAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

How to Deal With Rejection Like a Professional

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

Welcome Back Students! Here’s Your Fall (of Humanity) Schedule!

Students will begin each day by sitting in a Safe Space Scream Circle. Punching bags are available for students who require a physical outlet of their brewing rage upon facing the harsh realization that existence past year 2050 is unlikely.

Yoga to be Kidding: My G-Spot is not between my Y O and A-Spot

Thinking slow might be the way to go, I tried Hatha. Nothing. Faster. I tried Flow. Faster. Faster. Don’t stop. I tried Ashtanga. Still nothing. Maybe Hot Yoga. It’s sweaty. Maybe Anusara. It’s Tantric-based. Nope. Nada. Maybe it was the instructor. I tried a man. I tried a woman. It became overwhelmingly clear that my g-spot did not seem to lie between my y o and a-spot.

The Five Stages of Sleep After Eating a Burrito Mojado

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

A Layman’s Understanding of Food Recipes

A mixture of dry and wet is tossed around in white sand to make frisbee upholstery. A wet sauce is spread with a robot’s golf club onto the frisbee upholstery. A block of white that was rubbed against a robot’s acne, dead animal discs, leaves, a different dead animal, green tubes, and black rings that can’t fit on your fingers are added to the frisbee upholstery. 

#VeggieAVillain

The Jokra, Hannibal Lettuce, Gourd Voldemort, and more #VeggieAVillain on this week's trending joke game!

Cecil Agnew – The Father Of Modern Mixology

He muddled herbs and strychnine with his father’s wooden leg. He zested citrus using his grocer’s hook hand. He strained cocktails with his grandfather’s dentures. When germs were discovered in 1875, he scrapped the use of prosthetics in favor of traditional metal barware. Ever the environmentalist, Cecil chose to use logs of cured meat as swizzle sticks and lead nuggets as whiskey stones.

Other Marvel What If...?

Loki got therapy and wasn't such a catty bitch. Instead of building the Iron Man suit to fight the same arms dealers his company supplied, Tony Stark uses his vast fortune to pilot a spacecraft to Earth's upper atmosphere. When he lands, he's inexplicably wearing a cowboy hat. And more!

The Florin District School Board Update

Miracle Max’s COVID treatment has recently been approved for children 12 years and older. In addition to being safe and effective, his treatment has a chocolate coating which is not only delicious, it helps it go down easier!

Gollum, Used Car Salesman

They stole the ring from us - but they can never steal our passion for matching qualified buyers with the used vehicles of their dark, prophetic dreams! Show him the 2007 Ford Taurus, Precious! / Yes, look Master! A mid-sized family sedan that gets 25 miles to the gallon!

Ms. Bauer’s 5th Grade School Supply List (and Coping Mechanism) for 2021–2022

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)

#AppallingAppetizers

Snot Stickers, Fartichoke Dip, French flies, and more #AppallingAppetizers on this week's trending joke game!

GQAnon Magazine

The Max In Anti-Vax Slacks, Q-Mart Shoppers, The Gaetz Of Hell, and more!

National Park Safety Rules for Gen-Z

Record Tik Tok Dances Only at our Designated Locations: While we are grateful of our youths eagerness to publicize (for free) the beauty of mountains, prairies and oceans - please be advised that doing so near a cliff and/or water feature may result in injury and more importantly, the loss of postable content. Feel free to take photos and videos where you wish, but limit dancing and to our marked TikTok friendly zones located throughout each of our parks.

Humorist Hangouts w/ guest Ivan Ehlers & Andy Newton

On this week's live stream we welcome Ivan Ehlers and Humorist Books editor Andy Newton. We go through the Weekly Humorist issue and Ivan does a quick reading of his hilarious article!

The Problem With American Medicine Is That It's Not Specialized Enough

It may seem that I have prospered greatly off the misfortunes of the left foot, but the truth is that my path to podiatrist fame and fortune was not always easy. When I first told my advisor I was planning to specialize in the left foot, she asked if I had been “taking those stupid improv classes again.” My father broke down in tears, which we later realized stemmed less from my announcement and more from a burst appendix.

Popular Romantic Comedies Rewritten for 2021

500 Days of Summer Might Convince People That Climate Change Is Real, There's Something About Mary That Makes You Think She’s the Kind of Person Who’d Fill Plastic Bags with Gasoline, Four Maskless Weddings That Led to at Least One Funeral, and more!

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

The Secret to Tom Hank’s Cool

Once Tom got a taste of anonymity and the police were looking for a suspect that didn’t exist, I had to keep creating new faces for him. It was a real challenge. Soon I he had to follow him around and do emergency make-up touch ups because of all the dirt, sweat, blood, and sometimes fire that would ruin the latex of his prosthetic face. One time he was robbing a bank and half the prosthetic almost melted off because of the SWAT Team’s flash grenades.

#SnakeASitcom

Laverne and ssssssshirley, Fresh Off The Bite, Serpent Strangers, and more #SnakeASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

How To Direct Actors

Contrary to what their paychecks would suggest, movies are not just made of stars. Actors in supporting roles are either up-and-coming bit players hoping to become movie stars, or over-the-hill movie stars looking to prolong their last fleeting moments of fame. Regardless of which side of the chute they land on, it is imperative that you remind them at every opportunity that they are not the stars of this film. The director is the star of this film.

Quiz: Pizza Cutter Wheel or Doctor’s Head Mirror?

The tool is a circular piece of reflective metal with a small hole in the center. The tool can be washed and sterilized for later usage in a standard dishwasher. No matter how many times you stick it in a DVD player, it won’t play. And more.

I’m Going to Take all My Emotions About The World’s Crises and Stuff Them Into the Discourse Surrounding HBO’s The White Lotus

Talking heads spreading disinformation about the vaccine we all prayed for? Crowds threatening to lynch a man over a mask mandate? Surely this madness is woven into our cultural DNA, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. Speaking of things that aren’t easy to watch: Was that CGI or was Armond taking an *actual shit*??

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

Eighties Sitcom Props: Where Are They Now?

Fake Cheesecake, The Golden Girls: Fake Cheesecake is still steadily working and was recently spotted in the bakery-themed Hallmark Rom-Com, A Beefcake with a Cheesecake.  

#GrossGroceries

Dickles, Pop-Farts, Vomints, and more #GrossGroceries on today's trending joke game!

I Didn’t Grow Up. I’m Still a Toys R Us Kid. I Should’ve Thought This Through.

I might’ve grown into a Spencer’s Gifts tween, pretending to look at Simpsons posters while covertly peeping fuzzy handcuffs and naughty dice. I could’ve become a Gadzooks teen, shoplifting ironic ringer tees I only sorta understood. I could’ve aged into an HomeGoods adult, embracing the simple thrills of decorative farfalle housed in seafoam green canisters. Instead, I’m cursed to live in a label-scarred building that’s only seasonally used as a Spirit Halloween. 

Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy

"Andrew Cuomo's discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions." "Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place." And more!

Quiz: Delta Plus Airline Perks Or Delta Plus Variant Result

Nextflix binge watching, Complimentary adult beverage, Increased chance of blood clots, and more!

As a Former Cult Leader, Here’s What I Would Bring to the Role of Store Manager at Bath & Body Works

A goal of mine, if hired, would be to revamp your rewards program. A free product of their choice (value up to $16.50) and a few emailed coupon codes are not going to win you long-term loyalty from those who pledge membership. I would place staff in strategic locations like bus stations or airports to seek out those who seem alone and adrift, who crave the comfort that only a three-wick Peach Bellini candle can provide.

#HorrorCandy

Demonheads, Tootsie Trolls, Mummy Bears, and more #HorrorCandy on this week's trending joke game! We hit #7 in the US trends list! (That's really good!)

An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team 

It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

The Latest Delta Variant Fraternity Meeting Minutes

As a new variant that first chartered a COVID wave less than a year ago, I can not believe how quickly we’ve risen. I know our founders, Selfishness and Recklessness, would be feverish with pride. But that doesn’t mean we can take a break or slow down. The Lambda variant has their sights set on climbing ranks by evading the vaccine, which means we not only need to maintain our reputation, but build upon it.

Chores That I Absolutely Won't Get To This Weekend

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

Obituary: Film Critic's Life Lacked Compelling Narrative Arc

Internet movie critic Robert “Bob” Umeck passed away in his sleep on Friday night at the age of 79. Bob’s death was as uneventful as his life, which can be described, at best, as thoroughly mediocre. What began as a promising youth quickly devolved into a middle age section that failed to adequately deliver on its original premise.

Debuting on Broadband: The Book of Zuckerberg 

Hello! My name is Elder Zuckerberg and I would like to share with you the most amazing update to my book. The good book. The Facebook. Not only can you follow your friends, but now, you can also follow God with the help of the new worship features available to you. That’s right, sinners. I brought God to Facebook so you can experience salvation.

#SuperheroABand

The Grateful Deadpool, Flash Mouth, Green Day Lantern, and more #SuperheroABand on this week's trending joke game!

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I'm kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion... Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you're a small town girl from Kansas and I'm a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?” 

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office! 

Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags. You’ll get one to use throughout the year, so make sure you take care of it. Please write your name, blood type, and emergency contact information on it. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your design! 

A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)

Breakfast is cancelled this morning on account of one of mother earth’s little darlings breaking through the vent and sneaking off with the eggs. Fret not, our renowned cabin chef will make smoothies. No, those aren’t teeth marks. Those peaches are just very tenderized. Nothing like a healthy morning drink to set your meditative mind in veg-mode.

Truly Terrible Signs That You're at a Crummy Nude Beach

Even the crabs have crabs.

#CelebASummerSport

John Waters Polo, Volley Hunter, Gene Swimmons, and more #CelebASummerSport on this week's trending joke game!

I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s

I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried. 

Deleted Scenes From A Very Hungry Caterpillar

On day four, the very hungry caterpillar was struggling to grasp the concept that bad things can randomly happen to caterpillars and nature’s response is indifference. If there is a higher power, they are not a benign god but a cruel and sadistic one that put her at the bottom of the food chain.

Less Obvious Signs That The End Is Nigh...

Grasshoppers suddenly have eyebrows for some reason. And more!

Fun Facts That Were Cut From the Olympics Opening Ceremony

After this year’s ceremony, spectators under the age of 12 are invited to explore the Olympic Hedge Maze, a dark, dank, miles-long labyrinth where they’ll be held against their will in an attempt to limit the spread of the novel coronavirus. This is the only public health measure we could think of.

#HellishCocktails

Hex on the Beach, Sin & Tonic, Piña Ghoulada, and more #HellishCocktails on this week's trending joke game!

Power Rankings of My Son’s Little League Baseball Roster

Atop the list for the sixth consecutive week is Niko Cherry. Nicknamed “Cherry Bomb” for his ability to blast the ball (almost) to the outfield, Niko is the oldest kid on the team and it shows. With broad shoulders and early signs of a mustache on his upper lip, he’s been feasting on both pitchers and hitters this season. If he continues his torrid pace, league officials may just have to take another look at that birth certificate. 

The Aliens On Mars Respond To Jeff Bezos’ Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now

From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is...common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag. 

Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!

Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

Other TV Networks Follow Fox’s Lead and Debut Their Own Weather Channels

HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.

#RegretfulRealityShows

The Masked Swinger, Lancing with the Scars, America’s Got Debt, and more #RegretfulRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!

Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!

Moderna Pentathlon and 10 Other Sports Scheduled For 2021 Tokyo Olympics

Wash Your Handball, Long Social Distance Running, Barfary, and more!

I Am Kristen Roupenian’s Book Advance, and I Know All Your Essays Are About Me

You probably have questions about me. I am, after all, seven-figures big, an unheard-of sum for a relatively unknown writer. What would it be like to have me, you wonder? Is there any hope of my ever being earned out? And now: Should I be shared with Alexis Nowicki, the woman on whom the short story was based?

What's New On Streaming?

The Haunting Of Geraldine's Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries.  The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.

#AnimalActionMovies

Cape Deer, Mortal Wombat, Farmageddon, and more #AnimalActionMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself

Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”

#SizzlingSitcoms

Brooklyn 99 Degrees, Welcome Back Hotter, Saved By The Hell, and more #SizzlingSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

All Saints Catholic High School Presents “Angels! in America! The Musical!”

No doubt about it, Angels! In America! is my new favorite musical - it’s even better than Grease! While the show is incredible, it’s not for everyone. There is some very heavy subject matter that may upset some young children, and the first six rows will get wet.

Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony

Forty-seven minutes spent going through group's Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw

The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize this obvious attempt to make me look like a dopey cartoon.

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

#IrateIceCream

Rum Raging. Ben & Angry, Pissed-tachio, and more #IrateIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

Baktykozha Izmukhambetov, Trcghed Acfsfgth, Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh, and more!

Give Your Dad the Best Father’s Day Gift Ever: A Long, Rambling Conversation About Steely Dan

So, you’ll need to introduce a suggestive phrase that’s maybe something like this: “So I discovered Steely Dan on Spotify.” At this point, you might not need to say anything for the next hour or five.

Classic Children's Books Updated For Modern Times

Marjorie Taylor Greene Eggs-aggerations And Ham-Fisted Lies, House At Putin Corner, Goodnight Mood Stabilizing Meds, and more!

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things

A nicer and louder lawnmower than that asshole Frank has. Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on. A blacksmithing forge. And more!

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

#SleazySuperheroes

The Flesh, Goosed Rider, Just Ass League, and more #SleazySuperheroes on this week's trending joke game!

20 Mugs To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day Because You Don’t Really Know Him

“I LOVE YOU” MUG This feels aggressive. “WE LOVE YOU” MUG You don’t want to speak for your siblings. And more.

I, Jeff Bezos, Am Purposefully Going Into the Cold, Black Void Known As Space, But You Shouldn't Be Worried

Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse. 

Yes, The Other Team Is Bigger. Yes, They’re Undefeated. But We've Got 290 Unique Cheers

Yes! Purr loud and proud, my sassy little Andrew Lloyd Webber Cats! But remember: we can’t lose focus! Ball goes out of bounds? Launch right into “Outbound and Down, We Shake It All Around.” Someone makes a layup? Pick one of the 20 cheers listed in your “wrist coaches.” And don’t forget the unique, guttural chant for each minute that passes on the game clock. We’ve only got 36 minutes of game time to get through all 290 of these things! So no matter what: don’t stop cheering. If you’re guarding someone, that means you’re not cheering. AND YOU SHOULD BE CHEERING!

Summer 2021 Pool Rules

No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They're Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!

Reasons I'm Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)

I fear someday soon I will be all alone in my stalwart masking. I wear a mask to protect others—not to obscure a hypothetical snout full of sharp teeth that I might, hypothetically, have and might, hypothetically, intend to eat you with.

#DogASitcom

The Pawffice, Dharma and Beg, Brooklyn K99, and more #DogASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

Haikus: No Rhymes, Barely Any Reason

Word dyslexia/ Looks like a term that was spelled/ By someone with it.

I’m That Friend Who Always Asks if You’ve Hydrated and, Well, Have You?

It’s simple: Eight glasses, morning to night. If you’re like me, afternoons are mostly spent setting increasingly appreciable rage fires in increasingly busy Paneras, making that daypart less ideal. But whatever your hydration schedule, I find it best to begin when you first wake, right before the dark thoughts have settled in.

CAPTCHAs for Women

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

James Bond Meets QAnon

QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond.... this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you're instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy's psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!

E.T. Receives A 39 Year Overdue Phone Bill For Interplanetary Roaming Charges

Since your account balance has been in arrears for over 39 Earth rotations around the sun, we contacted a debt collector. And by debt collector we mean an interplanetary bounty hunter. There was some Boba someone or other who seemed pretty keen on bringing you in, but then a group of Predators were willing to do it for free.

#BugABand

Boyz II Mantis, Ladybug Gaga, My Morning Yellow Jacket. and more #BugABand on this weeks trending joke game!

Invitation To One-Year High School Reunion

Greetings fellow Tigers, It’s been one whole year since we’ve graduated and now is the perfect time to have a reunion. We can’t wait to see what everyone has been up to since we parted ways and how you’ve started your journey toward adulthood! You may not look like you do in your senior year portrait anymore, but don’t let the freshman 15 stop you from indulging in our bountiful buffet (please bring a food and drink item).

Blow the Roof Off Your Gender Reveal Party With Kickass Pyrotechnics From These Baby-Themed Cover Bands For Hire

Quiet (It’s Nap Time) Riot, Insane Clown Pacifier, Guns N’ Roses N’ Button Noses, and more!

Gorvath The Infernal Presents Fun Summer Tips For Execrable Human Scum

The insatiable thirst of you lumbering, barely sentient beasts will never be quenched. Such is the nature of your dire species. But if you insist, a nice pitcher of ginades on the beach is lovely and refreshing.

Kama Sutra Positions Inspired By Terminology On Your History Exam

The Bay of Pigs Invasion: The woman positions a chorizo Cubano in such a way as to provoke the man to perform a Sneaky Castro. As American citizens, you are officially not involved.

Interview with a Cicada from Brood X

So now that you’re out in the open for the first time since 2004, what are you looking forward to most? Well all I’ve heard these past few months — as all 1.5 million of us in this acre of land were getting ready to emerge — was how good the TV selection has gotten up here. We haven’t had much to watch other than tree roots grow and cicada drama in the past 17 years. 

#RevoltingRestaurants

Pizza Butt, Jizzler, Booger Fling, and more #RevoltingRestaurants on this week's trending joke game!

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!

How Fictional Nurses Would Administer the COVID-19 Vaccine

Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs: She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”

Things That I'll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks...

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

An Honest and Thoughtful Online Review of Timmy’s Sleepover

[EDIT- Timmy’s parents insisted I remove this last sentence, calling it slander, but in the hall I also heard them talking about that “weird little grumpy kid” who was staying over, and “why was Timmy even friends with him?”, so I have little sympathy for arguments citing slander.]

#TerrifyingTeenComedies

Caddyshark , Roadkill Trip, Animal House of Horrors, and more #TerrifyingTeenComedies on this week's trending joke game!

“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar

Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

How Has The Pandemic Affected Those In The DC Universe?

Wonder Woman now using her lasso of truth to determine whether those around her have truly had their vaccinations.

CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

Your Brooklyn Dream Home, Now for Just 100k!

Look no further for your dream home! Located in a Cobble Hill Gristedes dumpster, this 1 sq. ft. hell hole is yours for just $1,038, plus $99k property tax. You’ll save on groceries because every night at 11:03 rotten tomatoes will be dumped right into your kitchen (and bedroom, living room, and also bathroom). Bring a positive attitude and hazmat suit.

Thanks To The Pandemic, Nobody Cares That I’m A Centaur

Look, I can think of a LOT of downsides to this pandemic. This constant, gnawing sense of uncertainty, a vague creeping panic over what tomorrow might bring, the inability to leave your house or live an ordinary life, maybe forever! But there ARE upsides. For me, anyway. Because thanks to the pandemic, nobody cares that I’m a centaur!

#BookARomCom

Fun with Dick and Jane Eyre, 50 First Grapes of Wrath, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Groundhog Day, and more #BookARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

Last Minute Mothers' Day Gift Ideas

Tapioca Rocca- Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers' Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don't actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.

I Don’t Wear Makeup For Men, I Wear Makeup For The Ghost of The Confederate Soldier Who Haunts My Apartment

He’s not really one for this world, so we pretty much stay in the apartment. And he’s not totally outdated—recently he discovered Fox News and absolutely loves it.

#FamousFlowers

Redd Foxgloves, Jimmy Hosta, Lou Weed, and more #FamousFlowers on this week's trending joke game!

Dr. Maybe, I’m Not Sure And The 8 Other Least Confident Bond Villains

Aluminum Finger, Gums, Oddparttimejob, and more!

Fact Check: A Race of Fish-Eating Monsters Does Not Live Above Water

“Many fish get lost if they go too far up,” says Bass. “But that doesn’t mean they’re leaving the water or getting transported to some mystical ‘dry land’ where they’re chopped to pieces and devoured by walking-talking giants. Those stories are pure make-believe.”

Surviving Compliments: A Field Guide

Make Loud Noises: The only 100% effective way to survive compliments is to avoid them entirely. If you see a complimenter approaching, try scaring them away with loud noises. Bang pots and pans, yell, or fondly talk about the Joe Rogan Podcast.

Truly Terrible Signs You May Be Staying at a Bad Rehab Center

During art therapy, you're encouraged to "reach your inner artist" by sniffing the markers.

How to Write A Metaphor

Each new metaphor is a leaf of romaine, a cherry tomato, a pound of Jell-O, eighteen hot dogs, or a handful of croutons. A lesser writer may remark that a mixed metaphor can only cause confusion, but this is coward’s talk and will quickly earn a jab to the throat.

#FriskyFairyTales

Rumpledforeskin, The Pied Peeper, Puss 'n Boobs, and more #FriskyFairyTales on this week's trending joke game!

If You Are Reading This You Have Found My Husband Drunk After Two Cocktails And Are Reading This Stapled To His Coat Sleeve Like A Mitten

This note is not here for his safety; it’s for my sanity. Sure I could come get him, but sometimes it’s nice to have some solo Diane time. Tell him that he should stay out for as long as he wants.

I’m Your Web Browser’s Private Mode And We Need To Talk

Why do I have to be reserved for the filth? For the dirty work? For scoping out past significant others or scouring social media accounts for details on future Hinge dates, or looking up the activities of current archrivals to ensure that they’re not more successful than you are? Or looking up things about QAnon? For your deep dives into pornography in the middle of the day while you “work from home”? For your shameful schadenfreude? Why do you save this spelunking for me?

Teen Comedies For The Upcoming Post-Apocalyptic World

National Lampoon's Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...

Planet Earth’s Sexual Fantasies

Clean Water Fetish: My oceans are filthy and this is all about making me clean, baby. I’ll beg you to dip your hands inside me and pull out the pounds of plastic blocking sunlight to my deepest depths. Yes, yes! Clean me with your plastic and trash removal machines!

#InsultingIceCream

Root Beer Gloat, Dumb Raisin, Cookie Duh, and more #InsultingIceCream on today's trending joke game!

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering? How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices? How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room Orgy

Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults - [Book Excerpt]

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Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Now #1 in new releases on Amazon! Get your copy today!

17 Extinct Dog Breeds

Palmeranian (phylangesis floofli) A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.