Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

Dreaded Wheat, CrankyBerry, Peanut Bitter Crunch, and more #SurlyCereals on this week's trending joke game!

I’ve been informed that many of you have been talking behind my back. I don’t know who but everything you’ve said, I’ve heard it. Spreading rumors about my “endless charm” and “razor-sharp wit.” I’ve had enough. You better knock it off right now.

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

Shingles are not caused by a virus introduced into a person's body via chicken pox, but rather a section of roof falling from a great distance and hitting you on the back. And more!

The Little Sperm Maid, Seeping Booty, Beauty and the Yeast and more #DisgustingDisneyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

See, the owners, Joe and Kyrsten, have a real vision for this place.  They want it to appear to be a fully functioning restaurant, and bring in as many desperate customers as possible.  At the same time, they’re working with a conglomerate based in Qatar that plans to raze this building to the ground and replace it with a parking lot that’s convenient to absolutely nothing. 

The King and Fungi, Oklahumid!, Sweaty Jersey Boys, and more #MoldyMusicals on this weeks trending joke game!

Are you getting another call right now? That’s me, hitting you up on Microsoft Teams. If we talk on Teams and the phone at the same time, we can do a post-mortem on this follow-up call while I prioritize the tasks for the email I’ll send you later that we’re following up on now. That way we won’t have to circle back later and rehash things we haven’t talked about yet.

Wilson Cricket, Fly Stallone, Gnat King Cole, and more #BugACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.

Russell Stoner, Weedish Fish, Milk Buds, and more #CannabisACandy on this week's trending joke game!

Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.

The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text. The CDC says add them on Snap. The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.

Hold an office Christmas tree lighting ceremony. Ask select personnel to hang their now-deactivated key cards as ornaments. Elves escort the terminated out before entertainment arrives.

When I learned that Holly’s deadbeat husband, John McClane, was running around the building pretending to be Rambo, I knew I had to step in and broker a deal with the Euro trash who were holding us hostage.

In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?

I can't understand why the media is so insistent on making me this season’s villain. Did you not see Charlotte struggling to cry through Botox? Carrie redirecting every conversation back to herself? Miranda, simply existing? And you think I’m the bad guy? An inanimate object hasn’t been so unfairly villainized since the crockpot on 'This is Us'.

Let’s get started. Today we are going to put some of nature’s masterpieces right here on the canvas. We’ll use about a dozen magical colors and the same number of imagined heart attacks. 

While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby: DO YOU: Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. OR Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario.

At H.O.N.K., we believe in equality. A bold vision of a future in which all humans are equally terrified of geese. Where geese hold our rightful place at the top of the New Jersey Merrill Lynch corporate headquarters artificial pond food-chain. We are facilitating a 360-degree rebrand on the whole goose and nothing but the goose.

The Anti-Neuterer: Refusing to “fix" their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.

We want you to know that we are here for all of your Jewish holiday food prep needs. The Jewish New Year? Matzah. That one Day of Fasting? Sneak a little matzah in your purse. And Hanukkah, the biggest and most important Jewish holiday of all (we think)? Winter holiday matzah. (That’s regular matzah with some blue twinkle lights strewn around.)

Go the bathroom and sit on your phone, Start drinking more, Text your high school ex something vague and then block her, and more.

The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS, The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table, The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time, and more!

If you’ve driven around the greater Houston area over the past few months, undoubtedly you’ve noticed that there’s a new playboy in the midst. Donning sunglasses with blue flames and traveling at speeds upwards of 5 MPH, Matthew “Matty” James has quickly become one of the most influential four year olds in town.

Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25

SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy. CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.

These nasty novelties are needed at once for gifts — this Christian can not ruin Christmas for lonely men seeking safe pleasure play during these plague-ed times. NOW, YOU MUST HONOR OUR AGREED PRICE TO DELIVER THE GOODS and stop this coitus supply interruptus. 

The Love Song of J. Crew Alfred Prufrock - TS Eliot, The Charge of the Bud Light Brigade – Alfred Lord Tennyson, Caged Bird’s Eye Frozen Dinners – Maya Angelou

Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan

Current owners have enjoyed this property while feeding stray cats for 20 years and do not know the age of roof.

It's a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.

A-Tisket, A-Casket, Hansel and Regrettle, Scar light, Scar Bright, and more #NightmarishNurseryRhymes on this week's trending joke game!

HAVE YOU NOTICED an influx of fashionistas in your neigh­borhood? These newcomers and their fabulous everyday infinity scarves are so intriguing that you’ve already snatched a few strang­ers from their research vessel. But even though you were raised by alligators or gestated in a nuclear cooling pool, you understand that these encounters have not been on point.

Arizona Cannibals, The Cincinnati Mangles, Boo England Patriots, and more #FrighteningFootball on this week's trending joke game!

We’re pretty confident you should be able to fix all of your little mental health issues within the 12 hours we are generously giving you off. Even better, work out your problems in three hours and catch up on answering fun emails for the other 9.

The Pear Witch Project, Dragon fruit me to hell, Strawscaries, and more #HorrorFruit on this week's trending joke game!

I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!

Three quick bubbles and three long bubbles: Uh oh, there’s trouble afoot! That cooler’s getting low, and it’s time for office manager Devin to hoist up a new multi-gallon and send the empty one to its eternal slumber.

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don't literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

"There's a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn't click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that's been spritzed with Stetson cologne?"

Make rejection your brand and try to monetize that somehow. Reflect on the fact that others who have found great success are significantly younger or older than you... but no one is exactly your age. Consult an attorney about suing for some kind of age discrimination. Scream into the void. And more!

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

The Jokra, Hannibal Lettuce, Gourd Voldemort, and more #VeggieAVillain on this week's trending joke game!

Miracle Max’s COVID treatment has recently been approved for children 12 years and older. In addition to being safe and effective, his treatment has a chocolate coating which is not only delicious, it helps it go down easier!

Snot Stickers, Fartichoke Dip, French flies, and more #AppallingAppetizers on this week's trending joke game!