Small talk with strangers, gifts, and polite interaction. Who remembers how?? This illustrated guide by Jake Goldwasser will help.

Fees for vaccinations that contain an added boost of Cialis. Make Trump pay his fines to the IRS. And more!

We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.

Of course you immediately start tempting me by pushing your perfect pair of scissors in my face and CUT MY PAPER HEART OUT—THEY’RE ONLY TWELVEBUCKS! I love you, JO. Mmmm, show me that mixed media paper you know I like, baby. OH, JOANN, 20% off!? How can you be so good to me? With all these glues to choose from it’s no wonder I’m stuck inside you again! You make me want to be so much more than an artist. You make me want to be a BAD artist.

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

My gummies are very popular with influencer bloggers, like Ashley who said they are “like a dream” and “I forgot my kids at school but I really like the berry flavor.” Recently a cooking blogger said “you can just make whatever / it doesn’t even matter anymore” because she loved my lemon CBD oil. Isn’t that delightful?

As of today, I will no longer be doing my job here. Or Mike’s or Pete’s or even Crystal’s, am I right? You all relied on me so heavily that it broke me! For exactly half of what I asked for in salary, zero other benefits, and a birthday cake I had to pay for myself — what a steal!

“VC” now also stands for Viscount. Employee “Google Bus” now stopping in Montecito. If Oprah boards, do not look her directly in the eye. We’re “on the way” to her favorite candle store, so she is, of course welcome to board, or as Harry put it, “What Oprah wants, Oprah gets!”

We stand by our journalistic integrity. We have plumbed the depths to identify why the divorced, American commoner who married into the curated gene pool of our ceremonial oligarchy is so “grating.” Thus far, our reporting suggests that the Duchess of Sussex is “not the right sort,”

Now, if the tables had been turned and the bulls were a herd of dairy cows, I might have been concerned. You know how dangerous those Jersey cows can be. Very concerning. No, they don’t behave the same as a bull or have the horns, but they are definitely more dangerous. I hate to think what could have happened if they’d been the cattle that had come to our shop. It would have been an “udder” disaster.

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Univ of Arkansas Gillette Razorbacks, Florida Gatorades, Colorado Buffalo Wings, and more!

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

Cancel Cattle Culture? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

I've only got pies for you, I lost my pizza can I have yours? Wanna see my dough face? And more #PizzaPickUpLines on this week's #10 trending joke game!

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

Nippies, 3 Frosketeers, Mike & Ice, and more #ColdCandy on this week's trending joke game!

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.

Doing terrible with @weightwatchers points this week.  @WilliamTaft 🍕🍩🍗 Most. Boring. Impeachment. Ever. @DickNixon✌ ✌ #Watergate and more!

Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.

So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me.

Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!

While You Were Seeping, Rotting Hill, How to Lose a Sty in 10 Days, and more #RevoltingRomComs on this week's trending joke game!

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

Day 1: mr biden tell people cookie best diet Day 2: cookie monster have key to all cookie stores and factories Day 3: me (cookie monster) get promise to be cookie king.

2:25 p.m.: Had to turn back. Alvin forgot his horse. Don’t feel like you have to wait for us to start the battle! 2:27: p.m.: Is there free parking in the scorched castle? 2:30 p.m.: Can’t find the horse. Checking bottomless pit in town square.

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

And sure - if you’re Paul Giamatti, you can park your butt on the couch and plow through as many human appendages as you can source. Nobody’s watching Paul Giamatti for his six-pack. But if you’re six-foot five inches of pure, delicious American man, you need to see some definition in those biceps. And biceps, whether you’re working them or hunting them, take discipline.

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).

Catherine Zeta Scones, Jon Hammburger, Dijon Warwick, and more #CelebAFood on this week's trending joke gme!

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)

Sell that treadmill, join a gym! Divest in Zoom, Invest in United Airlines, Open-mouth kiss a stranger on the subway, and more!

The French Toast Connection, Romancing the Scone, Scream! Of Wheat, and more #BreakfastAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

When you find yourself saying to Ryan, “I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before,” take a deep breath and understand that you have. You have mentioned that you have “a weird thing about vomit” as well as “a weird thing about not wanting to wake up in a panic one night beset by guilt, regret, envy, and vomit,” in addition to “a weird thing for redheads.” These are called, respectively: duh, okay, and ginger tabbies are the best category of every species.

Steal Or No Steal, Card Farts, Manson Family Feud, and more #GrinchAGameShow on this week's trending joke game!

Keys to a new car that has been missing for weeks. This one will be really good if we can just locate that brand-spanking new Porsche. I mean, anything’s possible right?

JIGGLING JANA ("Jiggling Jana", 2004): The phrase "Give me a J-A-N-A, and jiggle, jiggle, jiggle all day" is repeated constantly in this poignant story of an NBA cheerleader who tries to provide comfort to players who have a game on the 25th and are missing their families. Released on the poor-selling album An Emo-Rap Yuletide.

Rudolph, The Disgraced Lawyer, All I Want For Christmas Are My Two Vaccines, Do You Fear What I Fear? And more!

The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)

Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger--oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.

Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that's why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.

Electric Blanket Orchestra, The Brrrrryrds, Hall & Coats, and more #ColdABand on this week's trending joke game!

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.

Brittle Shop of Horrors, Fry Fry Birdie, Pies & Dolls, and more #FoodAMusical on this week's trending joke game!