A List Of Demands That Must Be Met For Me To Return To The Office

No one is allowed to comment on how early I’m eating my lunch. Instead of a desk and adjustable chair, I work on a Queen-size mattress. A whiteclaw mini fridge. And more!

Concierge Script for Meditative Retreat (Not a Raccoon-Infested Cabin)

Breakfast is cancelled this morning on account of one of mother earth’s little darlings breaking through the vent and sneaking off with the eggs. Fret not, our renowned cabin chef will make smoothies. No, those aren’t teeth marks. Those peaches are just very tenderized. Nothing like a healthy morning drink to set your meditative mind in veg-mode.

Truly Terrible Signs That You're at a Crummy Nude Beach

Even the crabs have crabs.

#CelebASummerSport

John Waters Polo, Volley Hunter, Gene Swimmons, and more #CelebASummerSport on this week's trending joke game!

I Regret Becoming a Millionaire in My 20s

I’m not asking for your sympathy, I’m just asking for a little empathy and some friends who will pay me back when I Venmo request them for the birthday dinner they didn’t treat me to, leaving me to coordinate transportation between mainland Chile and the South Pole igloo where we dined on foie gras while Yo-Yo Ma played the cello and cried. 

Deleted Scenes From A Very Hungry Caterpillar

On day four, the very hungry caterpillar was struggling to grasp the concept that bad things can randomly happen to caterpillars and nature’s response is indifference. If there is a higher power, they are not a benign god but a cruel and sadistic one that put her at the bottom of the food chain.

Less Obvious Signs That The End Is Nigh...

Grasshoppers suddenly have eyebrows for some reason. And more!

Fun Facts That Were Cut From the Olympics Opening Ceremony

After this year’s ceremony, spectators under the age of 12 are invited to explore the Olympic Hedge Maze, a dark, dank, miles-long labyrinth where they’ll be held against their will in an attempt to limit the spread of the novel coronavirus. This is the only public health measure we could think of.

#HellishCocktails

Hex on the Beach, Sin & Tonic, Piña Ghoulada, and more #HellishCocktails on this week's trending joke game!

Power Rankings of My Son’s Little League Baseball Roster

Atop the list for the sixth consecutive week is Niko Cherry. Nicknamed “Cherry Bomb” for his ability to blast the ball (almost) to the outfield, Niko is the oldest kid on the team and it shows. With broad shoulders and early signs of a mustache on his upper lip, he’s been feasting on both pitchers and hitters this season. If he continues his torrid pace, league officials may just have to take another look at that birth certificate. 

The Aliens On Mars Respond To Jeff Bezos’ Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now

From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is...common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag. 

Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!

Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

Other TV Networks Follow Fox’s Lead and Debut Their Own Weather Channels

HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.

#RegretfulRealityShows

The Masked Swinger, Lancing with the Scars, America’s Got Debt, and more #RegretfulRealityShows on this week's trending joke game!

Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet Is Back And Better Than Ever!

Hey, we’re still the Big Dave’s XXL American Buffet you know and love. We just have a different name, menu, exterior, interior, theme, staff, and overall ethos, but other than those things, we haven’t changed one bit. So we invite our loyalty reward members, formerly The Plate Posse, now “The Olive-garchs,” to please stop by and see us real soon. We’ve missed you!

Moderna Pentathlon and 10 Other Sports Scheduled For 2021 Tokyo Olympics

Wash Your Handball, Long Social Distance Running, Barfary, and more!

I Am Kristen Roupenian’s Book Advance, and I Know All Your Essays Are About Me

You probably have questions about me. I am, after all, seven-figures big, an unheard-of sum for a relatively unknown writer. What would it be like to have me, you wonder? Is there any hope of my ever being earned out? And now: Should I be shared with Alexis Nowicki, the woman on whom the short story was based?

What's New On Streaming?

The Haunting Of Geraldine's Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries.  The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.

#AnimalActionMovies

Cape Deer, Mortal Wombat, Farmageddon, and more #AnimalActionMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Alternative Uses for Your Masks Once the Pandemic is Over

Hamster Hammock, Tiny Purse, Water Balloon Sling, and more in this illustrated list.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

The Guy Who Designs Music Festival Posters Explains Himself

Listen closely. Actually, look closely. Yeah dude, you’re not at your annual eye doctor exam, you’re just reading one of my babies online. Go ahead, grab a magnifying glass to see if one of those indie bands you like is playing. Chances are, they’re playing at 10 a.m. on a stage three miles away from everything else. Take it from me as a design pro that does Photoshop two days a year, font matters. The bigger the font, the more my boss is yelling in my ear, “MAKE THE FONT BIGGER! WE SPENT OUR WHOLE BUDGET ON THEM.”

#SizzlingSitcoms

Brooklyn 99 Degrees, Welcome Back Hotter, Saved By The Hell, and more #SizzlingSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

All Saints Catholic High School Presents “Angels! in America! The Musical!”

No doubt about it, Angels! In America! is my new favorite musical - it’s even better than Grease! While the show is incredible, it’s not for everyone. There is some very heavy subject matter that may upset some young children, and the first six rows will get wet.

Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony

Forty-seven minutes spent going through group's Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw

The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize this obvious attempt to make me look like a dopey cartoon.

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

#IrateIceCream

Rum Raging. Ben & Angry, Pissed-tachio, and more #IrateIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

Baktykozha Izmukhambetov, Trcghed Acfsfgth, Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh, and more!

Give Your Dad the Best Father’s Day Gift Ever: A Long, Rambling Conversation About Steely Dan

So, you’ll need to introduce a suggestive phrase that’s maybe something like this: “So I discovered Steely Dan on Spotify.” At this point, you might not need to say anything for the next hour or five.

Classic Children's Books Updated For Modern Times

Marjorie Taylor Greene Eggs-aggerations And Ham-Fisted Lies, House At Putin Corner, Goodnight Mood Stabilizing Meds, and more!

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things

A nicer and louder lawnmower than that asshole Frank has. Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on. A blacksmithing forge. And more!

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

#SleazySuperheroes

The Flesh, Goosed Rider, Just Ass League, and more #SleazySuperheroes on this week's trending joke game!

20 Mugs To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day Because You Don’t Really Know Him

“I LOVE YOU” MUG This feels aggressive. “WE LOVE YOU” MUG You don’t want to speak for your siblings. And more.

I, Jeff Bezos, Am Purposefully Going Into the Cold, Black Void Known As Space, But You Shouldn't Be Worried

Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse. 

Yes, The Other Team Is Bigger. Yes, They’re Undefeated. But We've Got 290 Unique Cheers

Yes! Purr loud and proud, my sassy little Andrew Lloyd Webber Cats! But remember: we can’t lose focus! Ball goes out of bounds? Launch right into “Outbound and Down, We Shake It All Around.” Someone makes a layup? Pick one of the 20 cheers listed in your “wrist coaches.” And don’t forget the unique, guttural chant for each minute that passes on the game clock. We’ve only got 36 minutes of game time to get through all 290 of these things! So no matter what: don’t stop cheering. If you’re guarding someone, that means you’re not cheering. AND YOU SHOULD BE CHEERING!

Summer 2021 Pool Rules

No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They're Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!

Reasons I'm Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)

I fear someday soon I will be all alone in my stalwart masking. I wear a mask to protect others—not to obscure a hypothetical snout full of sharp teeth that I might, hypothetically, have and might, hypothetically, intend to eat you with.

#DogASitcom

The Pawffice, Dharma and Beg, Brooklyn K99, and more #DogASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

Haikus: No Rhymes, Barely Any Reason

Word dyslexia/ Looks like a term that was spelled/ By someone with it.

I’m That Friend Who Always Asks if You’ve Hydrated and, Well, Have You?

It’s simple: Eight glasses, morning to night. If you’re like me, afternoons are mostly spent setting increasingly appreciable rage fires in increasingly busy Paneras, making that daypart less ideal. But whatever your hydration schedule, I find it best to begin when you first wake, right before the dark thoughts have settled in.

CAPTCHAs for Women

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

James Bond Meets QAnon

QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond.... this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you're instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy's psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!

E.T. Receives A 39 Year Overdue Phone Bill For Interplanetary Roaming Charges

Since your account balance has been in arrears for over 39 Earth rotations around the sun, we contacted a debt collector. And by debt collector we mean an interplanetary bounty hunter. There was some Boba someone or other who seemed pretty keen on bringing you in, but then a group of Predators were willing to do it for free.

#BugABand

Boyz II Mantis, Ladybug Gaga, My Morning Yellow Jacket. and more #BugABand on this weeks trending joke game!

Invitation To One-Year High School Reunion

Greetings fellow Tigers, It’s been one whole year since we’ve graduated and now is the perfect time to have a reunion. We can’t wait to see what everyone has been up to since we parted ways and how you’ve started your journey toward adulthood! You may not look like you do in your senior year portrait anymore, but don’t let the freshman 15 stop you from indulging in our bountiful buffet (please bring a food and drink item).

Blow the Roof Off Your Gender Reveal Party With Kickass Pyrotechnics From These Baby-Themed Cover Bands For Hire

Quiet (It’s Nap Time) Riot, Insane Clown Pacifier, Guns N’ Roses N’ Button Noses, and more!

Gorvath The Infernal Presents Fun Summer Tips For Execrable Human Scum

The insatiable thirst of you lumbering, barely sentient beasts will never be quenched. Such is the nature of your dire species. But if you insist, a nice pitcher of ginades on the beach is lovely and refreshing.

Kama Sutra Positions Inspired By Terminology On Your History Exam

The Bay of Pigs Invasion: The woman positions a chorizo Cubano in such a way as to provoke the man to perform a Sneaky Castro. As American citizens, you are officially not involved.

Interview with a Cicada from Brood X

So now that you’re out in the open for the first time since 2004, what are you looking forward to most? Well all I’ve heard these past few months — as all 1.5 million of us in this acre of land were getting ready to emerge — was how good the TV selection has gotten up here. We haven’t had much to watch other than tree roots grow and cicada drama in the past 17 years. 

#RevoltingRestaurants

Pizza Butt, Jizzler, Booger Fling, and more #RevoltingRestaurants on this week's trending joke game!

Shot Girl Summer: Sartorial Pairings For Your Upcoming Vaccine Appointment

Get The Hint?: So, you’re fully vaccinated (minus two weeks), and you’re looking to hook up. Nothing less subtle than an entirely clear suit! Wear your best lingerie underneath, or nothing at all. Even if you get kicked out of CVS or banned from the Javits Center for life, you’re sure to turn heads in this daring suit (and get some digits)!

How Fictional Nurses Would Administer the COVID-19 Vaccine

Cartoon Nurse from The Animaniacs: She insists that you remain professional and direct with your patients, especially the dog-like ones that make inappropriate comments like, “Helloooooo nurse.” After one too many incidents, she recommends against vaccinating patients that resemble dogs, or any non-human animal for that matter. Vaccine supply is short as it is, and when you stick them with the shot, their heads rapidly expand and they uncontrollably shout, “Awwooooooga!”

Things That I'll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks...

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

An Honest and Thoughtful Online Review of Timmy’s Sleepover

[EDIT- Timmy’s parents insisted I remove this last sentence, calling it slander, but in the hall I also heard them talking about that “weird little grumpy kid” who was staying over, and “why was Timmy even friends with him?”, so I have little sympathy for arguments citing slander.]

#TerrifyingTeenComedies

Caddyshark , Roadkill Trip, Animal House of Horrors, and more #TerrifyingTeenComedies on this week's trending joke game!

“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar

Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

How Has The Pandemic Affected Those In The DC Universe?

Wonder Woman now using her lasso of truth to determine whether those around her have truly had their vaccinations.

CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

Your Brooklyn Dream Home, Now for Just 100k!

Look no further for your dream home! Located in a Cobble Hill Gristedes dumpster, this 1 sq. ft. hell hole is yours for just $1,038, plus $99k property tax. You’ll save on groceries because every night at 11:03 rotten tomatoes will be dumped right into your kitchen (and bedroom, living room, and also bathroom). Bring a positive attitude and hazmat suit.

Thanks To The Pandemic, Nobody Cares That I’m A Centaur

Look, I can think of a LOT of downsides to this pandemic. This constant, gnawing sense of uncertainty, a vague creeping panic over what tomorrow might bring, the inability to leave your house or live an ordinary life, maybe forever! But there ARE upsides. For me, anyway. Because thanks to the pandemic, nobody cares that I’m a centaur!

#BookARomCom

Fun with Dick and Jane Eyre, 50 First Grapes of Wrath, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Groundhog Day, and more #BookARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

Last Minute Mothers' Day Gift Ideas

Tapioca Rocca- Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers' Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don't actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.

I Don’t Wear Makeup For Men, I Wear Makeup For The Ghost of The Confederate Soldier Who Haunts My Apartment

He’s not really one for this world, so we pretty much stay in the apartment. And he’s not totally outdated—recently he discovered Fox News and absolutely loves it.

#FamousFlowers

Redd Foxgloves, Jimmy Hosta, Lou Weed, and more #FamousFlowers on this week's trending joke game!

Dr. Maybe, I’m Not Sure And The 8 Other Least Confident Bond Villains

Aluminum Finger, Gums, Oddparttimejob, and more!

Fact Check: A Race of Fish-Eating Monsters Does Not Live Above Water

“Many fish get lost if they go too far up,” says Bass. “But that doesn’t mean they’re leaving the water or getting transported to some mystical ‘dry land’ where they’re chopped to pieces and devoured by walking-talking giants. Those stories are pure make-believe.”

Surviving Compliments: A Field Guide

Make Loud Noises: The only 100% effective way to survive compliments is to avoid them entirely. If you see a complimenter approaching, try scaring them away with loud noises. Bang pots and pans, yell, or fondly talk about the Joe Rogan Podcast.

Truly Terrible Signs You May Be Staying at a Bad Rehab Center

During art therapy, you're encouraged to "reach your inner artist" by sniffing the markers.

How to Write A Metaphor

Each new metaphor is a leaf of romaine, a cherry tomato, a pound of Jell-O, eighteen hot dogs, or a handful of croutons. A lesser writer may remark that a mixed metaphor can only cause confusion, but this is coward’s talk and will quickly earn a jab to the throat.

#FriskyFairyTales

Rumpledforeskin, The Pied Peeper, Puss 'n Boobs, and more #FriskyFairyTales on this week's trending joke game!

If You Are Reading This You Have Found My Husband Drunk After Two Cocktails And Are Reading This Stapled To His Coat Sleeve Like A Mitten

This note is not here for his safety; it’s for my sanity. Sure I could come get him, but sometimes it’s nice to have some solo Diane time. Tell him that he should stay out for as long as he wants.

I’m Your Web Browser’s Private Mode And We Need To Talk

Why do I have to be reserved for the filth? For the dirty work? For scoping out past significant others or scouring social media accounts for details on future Hinge dates, or looking up the activities of current archrivals to ensure that they’re not more successful than you are? Or looking up things about QAnon? For your deep dives into pornography in the middle of the day while you “work from home”? For your shameful schadenfreude? Why do you save this spelunking for me?

Teen Comedies For The Upcoming Post-Apocalyptic World

National Lampoon's Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...

Planet Earth’s Sexual Fantasies

Clean Water Fetish: My oceans are filthy and this is all about making me clean, baby. I’ll beg you to dip your hands inside me and pull out the pounds of plastic blocking sunlight to my deepest depths. Yes, yes! Clean me with your plastic and trash removal machines!

#InsultingIceCream

Root Beer Gloat, Dumb Raisin, Cookie Duh, and more #InsultingIceCream on today's trending joke game!

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering? How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices? How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room Orgy

Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults - [Book Excerpt]

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Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Now #1 in new releases on Amazon! Get your copy today!

17 Extinct Dog Breeds

Palmeranian (phylangesis floofli) A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.

Analogies For My Therapist

‘SOS’ : Deserted island :: Cups on my nightstand : Depression, and more!

#ConservativeKidsCartoons

Dudley Do AltRight, Paw Patrol Lives Matter, Inspect Her Gadget. and more #ConservativeKidsCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

How To Act Normal

Small talk with strangers, gifts, and polite interaction. Who remembers how?? This illustrated guide by Jake Goldwasser will help.

Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office

On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.

Helpful Money Making Tips For Getting America Out Of Debt

Fees for vaccinations that contain an added boost of Cialis. Make Trump pay his fines to the IRS. And more!

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

NFTs You Might Want To Buy From Me

These are going fast and you do not want to be left out! Illustrated list by Tiny Beast Comics.

A Memo To All Amazon Employees Regarding The Use Of Pee Bottles

We simply can’t afford to have any time being wasted. Well, technically, we can afford just about anything we want: our annual revenue in 2020 was $386 billion. But you don’t get that many B’s by letting employees take bathroom breaks.

#DemonicDatingApps

Sinder, Harmers Only, Scratch, and more ##DemonicDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

I Can’t Be Trusted Alone with You, JOANN

Of course you immediately start tempting me by pushing your perfect pair of scissors in my face and CUT MY PAPER HEART OUT—THEY’RE ONLY TWELVEBUCKS! I love you, JO. Mmmm, show me that mixed media paper you know I like, baby. OH, JOANN, 20% off!? How can you be so good to me? With all these glues to choose from it’s no wonder I’m stuck inside you again! You make me want to be so much more than an artist. You make me want to be a BAD artist.

Honest with Your Self-Care Mantras

You are enough, but just barely. Practice saying no, but then cave and say yes. And more.

Russian Roulette With The Easter Bunny

"C'mon Dave, are we doing this or not?" he asked, tapping his cigarette and allowing ashes to drop onto the floor of the kitchen. "It's getting late, and those kiddies will all be rising and shining soon."

Ramona Quimby, Age 48

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

April Fools' Day Bingo

Be on the look-out for these bingo pranks. Happy April Fool's!

#WeedABreakfast

English Puffins, Baked Eggs, Pot Tarts, and more #WeedABreakfast on this week's trending joke game!

I, Martha Stewart, Am Certainly Not On Drugs; I’m Just Super Chill and Have the Munchies

My gummies are very popular with influencer bloggers, like Ashley who said they are “like a dream” and “I forgot my kids at school but I really like the berry flavor.” Recently a cooking blogger said “you can just make whatever / it doesn’t even matter anymore” because she loved my lemon CBD oil. Isn’t that delightful?

Travel The Safe Way This Spring Break: In A Covered Wagon

Experience America the way the early Americans did: in a covered wagon, a.k.a. the Conestoga wagon a.k.a. the prairie schooner! Our covered wagon partners will cart you and your family wherever the heck you’d all like to go. Just bear in mind, covered wagons have way worse heat than your old 1982 Toyota Corolla wagon, and we won’t be held responsible for frostbite. No smoking or open fires allowed in wagons.

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

Honest Drafts of My Goodbye Email

As of today, I will no longer be doing my job here. Or Mike’s or Pete’s or even Crystal’s, am I right? You all relied on me so heavily that it broke me! For exactly half of what I asked for in salary, zero other benefits, and a birthday cake I had to pay for myself — what a steal!

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.

#VainVideoGames

Sonic the Attention Hog, Mine All MineCraft, Self-CenterPede, and more #VainVideoGames on this week's trending joke game!

Prince Harry Joins Our Start Up

“VC” now also stands for Viscount. Employee “Google Bus” now stopping in Montecito. If Oprah boards, do not look her directly in the eye. We’re “on the way” to her favorite candle store, so she is, of course welcome to board, or as Harry put it, “What Oprah wants, Oprah gets!”

Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal!

Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition

To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression. 

The Daily Mail: Discomfort With Our Centuries-Old Breeding Program a Sign of Poor Breeding

We stand by our journalistic integrity. We have plumbed the depths to identify why the divorced, American commoner who married into the curated gene pool of our ceremonial oligarchy is so “grating.” Thus far, our reporting suggests that the Duchess of Sussex is “not the right sort,”

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn't use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you're all set for the ultimate staycation!

You Don't Actually Understand Gaslighting

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

I Wasn’t Concerned When A Stampede Of Raging Bulls Broke Into The Porcelain Shop Where I Work

Now, if the tables had been turned and the bulls were a herd of dairy cows, I might have been concerned. You know how dangerous those Jersey cows can be. Very concerning. No, they don’t behave the same as a bull or have the horns, but they are definitely more dangerous. I hate to think what could have happened if they’d been the cattle that had come to our shop. It would have been an “udder” disaster.

#IrishATvShow

Limerick and Morty, Danny Boy Meets World, Saved by the Belfast, and more! It's #IrishATvShow on this week's trending joke game!

5 Ways to Make Your Pandemic Anniversary the Best on the Block

Start your pandemic anniversary off on the right foot with everyone’s favorite isolation comfort food. Candles optional but highly encouraged.

Glowing Hotel Reviews From Bedbugs

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Introducing Giggle, the Search Engine for Determining if You Came up With a Joke or Unwittingly Ripped It off

'When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?' Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That's easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

19 Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite College Sports Teams

Univ of Arkansas Gillette Razorbacks, Florida Gatorades, Colorado Buffalo Wings, and more!

Little Orville

You can distract him with one of his toys like Wally the Walrus (in kiddie pool in spare bedroom). Orville likes the water warm enough to poach an egg but Wally needs it cool as the ocean where we found him. They’ll have to work out a compromise.

#SinisterSocialMediaApps

SlinkedIn, Crapchat, Dreaddit, and more #SinisterSocialMediaApps on this week's trending joke game!

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

Upcoming Crazy Twists on The Walking Dead

That one guy? You know, the guy who's friends with the main guy? He gets separated from the group during a zombie attack!

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Home Depot’s Updated In-Store Bird Policy

Thank you for choosing Home Depot, where doers get more done.…

#BarfyBooks

The Great Gagsby, Brave New Hurl, Stephen King’s VomIT, and more #BarfyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin

Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She's been looking at David's Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!

I’m Marjorie Taylor Greene and I’m Here to Tell You There are Only Two Potato Head Genders

A woman’s purse? Sure. A manly mustache? Absolutely. But replacing those items with a gender neutral bag and bright smile of a nondiscriminant sex? Not on my watch! Or Mr. Potato Head’s watch either, as that is an accessory yet to be provided by the Hasbro Company to the Potato Heads.

CARTOON: Bullish

Cancel Cattle Culture? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Questions That Future Generations Might Have About Video Stores

If the video store wasn’t open, but you wanted to watch something, did you just break in and take what you wanted or did you scream at the top of your lungs until something eventually happened?

As Heiress to the Salt Fortune, It Is Unacceptable That I, Veruca Salt, Have Not Yet Received a Golden Ticket

Look, I’m just a young, innocent girl who wants to finally be able to see Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Without a golden ticket, my life is empty and bleak. Yes, millions of other children might have their lives completely changed, or even saved, by a golden ticket, but I need it more than them so I can brag to my rich friends that I got it before they did. 

#PizzaPickUpLines

I've only got pies for you, I lost my pizza can I have yours? Wanna see my dough face? And more #PizzaPickUpLines on this week's #10 trending joke game!

Offline Dating and Other Things to Try After the Pandemic

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

Q & Anon- Top Questions From QAnon's Website FAQ

Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you're wiping at all, you're several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials.