Dewbacca, District Brine, Moist Max, and more #SoggySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

XBOX Wine, World of Winecraft, Portnite, and more #VinoAVideoGame on this week's trending joke game!

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

Notice your body. Are you holding tension anywhere? If you are, well done. Clench your butt cheeks together like you’re trying to crack a walnut in your ass-crack.

DOROTHY: Okay, well, normally I would feel terrible about this, my house landing on someone and all. But it sounds like he was a bad person right? So him dying is a good thing? GAY-LINDA: It’s a great thing! It’s a Pride miracle!

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!

You’ve told me a good many things. Sometimes I think you do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking too, it adds up to one thing. You’re going to go back to where you came from.

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

Dr. Strain, The Hash, Fantastic 420, and more #StonedSuperHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

When you see me or any other man stretching out as if the subway is our own personal living room, know that it’s due to our penises being oriented horizontally and shaped like harmonicas.

To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

Truth or Bare, Beer Thong, Taboob, and more #PervertedPartyGames on this week's trending joke game!

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

How great is it that I can blaze up some stew and stroll wherever I please—a river walk like this one, or a botanic garden, or a national monument folks have waited their whole lives to visit—while farting to my heart’s content? How great that everyone finally recognizes that our nation’s most wondrous spaces are even more wondrous when they smell like Joey Chestnut’s bathroom?

Please take a moment to complete this brief survey on who you would want me to be when I am up for reelection – it’s just around the corner. At the end of the survey, please indicate how much you would like to contribute to keep me away from New York in Washington town. No amount is too small: $525,000, $25,000, or twelve hundred installments of $199.99.

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

10 Things I Hate About Poo, Moonsuck, Annie Hell, and more #RoastARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

Zuckuss? Tzimmes? Hazeret? Just try not to dip your Din Djarin in the salt water.

Cadbury Scream Egg, Marshmallow Creeps, Jelly Fiends, and more #EerieEasterCandies on this week's trending joke game!

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!

Texas: Choking the chicken.   An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!

Shrubs, Happy Daisies, Carnation 54 Where Are You? and more #FlowerASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn't: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, R2-PU, Dr. Who Farted? and more #SmellySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: "Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.

OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.

I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?

Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!

I may be small, but I am no toy. My 3.2 pounds of rippling muscle are built around a heart that races at 180 bpm for the sole purpose of protection. The urge to defend courses through every ounce of my one ounce of purebred blood. I’m genetically obligated to be an absolute dick to everyone but you.

Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn't Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili's.

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots

We charge to put you on a pretend wait list. Our vacation schedule will never overlap with the local elementary school - that’s a promise. Your kid will get lice.