Depressing Listicles

'12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!' '1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!' And more.

#PastaFlicks

Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk - Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike's friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he's forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

What Your Father’s Day Gift Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

I Just Found Out All My "World's Best Dad" Gifts are Mass-Produced and Now Father’s Day is Ruined

So, it was nice to know that all my hard work was paying off. Raising kids who are probably not psychopaths is fine, but I’m really in it for the World’s Best Dad coffee mugs, neckties, key chains, hats, and boxer shorts.

Bedbug Influencer Seeking New Instagram Management

Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things!

How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

#FruitACelebrity

Chris Pineapple, Melon DeGeneres, Emma Stonefruit and more #FruitACelebrity on today's hashtag game!

A Happy-Hour Cocktail Menu Sponsored by Your Company Benefit Cuts

Maternity Leave?? Sure…...ley Temple: Most of our staff doesn’t need to order this drink, due to strategic hiring choices, but if you’re thinking you might one day want to enjoy this delightful combination of lemon-lime soda, grenadine and a mouthful of maraschino cherries, let us know.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Movies Updated for 2019

Twins, and heirs to their family’s designer jean fortune, Bianca and Taylor are attending USC this fall on a full field hockey scholarship. The only problem? They don’t play field hockey. Now their mom is being indicted on charges of fraud and extortion.

I’m Benjamin Button and This is My Skincare Routine

If you’re one of the select few, like me, who are unable to age in an appropriate direction, you’re going to want to get in on this ASAP. Using a gentle apricot-pit infused facial exfoliant or a fruit peel, scrub off all of your layers of tired, older skin to reveal a younger, more vibrant new you! This worked wonders for me, so I really have no idea why it’s not doing the same for you. Uh, scrub harder, maybe?

I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

An Intervention For Batman

Bruce, I'm so sorry that its come to this, but we're going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum...

#MurderousMusicals

STABALOT, Into The Wood-chipper, Maim, and more #MurderousMusicals!

Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

Don’t Mind Me As I Hover Over Your Table, Waiting For You To Get Up

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.

Under The Hudson Yards

In fact, one of the most ingenious features of this new facility is its ability to filter out the tougher and less tractable of the species – certainly, they may be allowed to enter and take a selfie in the Staircase of Confusion, but they will never be permitted to rest their heads anywhere near those of our prize sheep.

Be Careful Out There Quiz: 2019 Spelling Bee Winning Word Or STD

Auslaut, Chlamedia, Diguillette and more Spelling Bee Word or STD.

Sorry I Reposted Your Work Without Attribution, But To Be Fair, I'm Also A Bank Robber

So you’ll be relieved to learn that my Instagram thievery is simply a side-hustle to my main gig as a full-on Jeremy Renner-in-The Town bank robber.

Your Mom's New Inspirational Wall Art

In This Family We Love, Laugh, and At Least Consider Grad School, Your Cousin Went. And more.

SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor's hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.

#CheesyLiterature

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

The Social Media Intern’s Deleted Tweet Drafts

Hey Google: Is it legal to sell my company’s couch and keep the money? Damnit, Google, no! Don’t tweet that!

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Memorial Day Picnic Tips

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

Original Dialogue Behind Famous Improvised Movie Lines

Improvised: “Thff thff thff thff thff thff.” – Anthony Hopkins Original: “Thff Thff.” In a stroke of genius, Hopkins improvised four more thff’s than the script called for. Another fun fact is that Hopkins also improvised Hannibal Lector being a cannibal.

Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

Thoughts on the Proposed Ban on Feeding Birds and Squirrels in New York City Parks, from the Birds and Squirrels

TINA, GREY SQUIRREL: They wouldn't be bothering with this ban if they knew how close they are to extinction.

Cardi D Minus and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Summer Tours

The Pips, No Gladys, Perturbed Against The Machine, Some Doubt, The Jonas Brothers’ Cousins and more budget concerts coming this summer!

#SleepySitcoms

Good Night Court, Snooze the Boss, Friendzzz and more #SleepySitcoms!

As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

Finally, That Paper on the Rain Scene from 'Castaway'

But fair is fair, the iconic scene had major problems that got a blind free pass when this Oscar-nominated movie was released. Closer examination reveals many examples of being tone deaf to men. Number one, the car. Who just hands the keys of a car over to someone without hours of back-and-forth over paperwork?

(Brian) Asimov's 6 Laws of Robotics

A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except for Kevin Olmsted. Kevin's vocal commands are grating to the human ear and shall never be entered into robotic software.

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Secret Facts That You Don't Want To Know About 'Game Of Thrones'

The "game" referred to in the series title is Connect Four.

Brandy, of the song “Brandy,” Issues a Point-by-Point Rebuttal

I write to address a number of striking similarities between the details described in your lyrics and elements of our brief affair at Asbury Park last summer.

Looney Tunes Episodes, if Cartoons Were as Political Today as They Were When Bugs Bunny Killed Hitler

Tired of being "othered," Marvin the Martian becomes politically active. A technologist at heart, he is initially attracted to the libertarian party, but quickly realizes that none of their policies are effective in the real world. Instead, he joins the Democratic Socialists of America.

Official List Of Other Things That You're Prohibited From Doing In Alabama

Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.

Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV... No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry

See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.

A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

#SadCoffeeDrinks

Cafe Americannot, French DePressed, Clappuccino and more #SadCoffeeDrinks

Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

Trump’s Top 10 WWE Villains & Heros

Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.

Children’s Books in the Age of Trump

The Shithole Country Mouse and the City Mouse, The Princess and the Pee Tape, Gulliver’s Travel Ban and more.

Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

Barr Walks Into A Bar...

Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, buddy?".   Barr replies, "It's been a rough week.   Better make it something stiff."   The bartender then says, "Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?"

#MomAMovie

From Here To Maternity, Raiders of the Lost Matriarch, 10 Things I Hate About Your Dirty Room and more #MomAMovie in this week's trending game!

A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!

Please Contribute to our Passive Activism Patreon

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.

Rejected Names For The Royal Baby

Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.

Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma

A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.

HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

Please Enjoy Our Company's Star Wars Day Themed Celebration, That Is Not at All a Distraction from How Bad Things Are Going.

PinnedPointz is throwing an all-day Star Wars Day themed party Friday! We have a lot of fun activities planned throughout the day that we “Hope” you will attend, even if we can’t “Force” you!

#HorrorIceCream

Cookies and Jean, Chunks of Monks, Leaches and cream and more #HorrorIceCream!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Facts

Ruth Bader Ginsburg doesn't protect the constitution, because it would be ridiculous to forget the whole point of the constitution is to protect people.

Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

(additional editor's note: all of Mr. Mueller's advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

Important Business Lessons I Learned While Working As A Door-To-Door Pickle Salesman

I figured a free taste of my pickles would encourage sales, so I always had samples at the ready. But I should have had those pickle chunks in little plastic cups on a tray, instead of what I did, which was store them in my pants pockets.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

What I Think An MFA Is

An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the "Divergent” trilogy.

Some Other CEO Secrets 

Richard Branson is, indeed, a virgin.

Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson's 'Pulp Fiction' Character Jules Winnfield

Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?

Itinerary Of A Plant Dad

11AM — Pia and our cat Lionel are finally getting along. I was getting worried for a moment we’d have to put him down.

Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.

#DrunkFlowers

Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers

Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.

Please Deliver This Request for Proposal by End of Week

My boss told me “deadline has the word ‘dead’ for a reason.” Help.

Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy

We can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time. Have You tried listening to that podcast I recommended about letting go of the past?

I Hope It's Okay That I Brought My Therapy Dolphin To Your Party

I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he's, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn't be alive, you know?

The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

'Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people' - George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. 'Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption'. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Subscription Boxes to Help Make Your Passover Seder Manageable

Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.

#TopRedactedWords

'Hamberders', 'Pee Pee Tape', 'Who's Tiffany?' and many more #TopRedactedWords in this week's hashtag game!

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, "No Collusion" had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn't even wipe them off of the walls before the next day's tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

Turbo Tax for Twenty-Somethings

Claim any homeownership tax breaks you qualify for: Ha ha ha ha. Just kidding. Owning a home, can you imagine?! Realize you’re $300 short on rent. Sell your plasma.

Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers

Wes Anderson- Jon Snow feels he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Stark family. He and Theon start their own local theatre company, using Theon’s status as a eunuch to their costuming advantage. We find out that the Night King is played by Bill Murray. The soundtrack is eclectic and enchanting.

Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador

We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you're dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it.

#MythicalTaxDeductions

Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!

Little-Known 'Shazam!' Movie Facts

Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.

Lonely Black Hole Finally Gets Some Company and Can't Shut Up

Hey, nice of you guys to finally show up. I've only been watching you for the past several hundred thousand years. You humans, I mean. Totally been watching for longer but I know some of you don't believe in cosmological time, so...don't wanna offend!

Welcome to Our Historic Castle and No You May Not Skinny Dip in the Moat

Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.

Pop Quiz: Vladimir Nabokov’s ‘Lolita’ or Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’

And the rest is rust and stardust./ Maybe it’s all part of a plan, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes hoping that you’ll understand. Creepy Book or Pop Song?

Okay, Fine, I’ll Solve Climate Change

I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling: Retweeting your own tweets, Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row Wearing the same sweatpants forever, Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages

Game of Thrones Characters Cut for Being Too Game of Thrones

King Brett Brett: The 20-month old king who loves horsies, cuddles, and cruel and unusual executions.

To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129

It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

#SadCartoons

Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons

Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have.

2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font

Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.

Lost Episodes of Frasier

S. 12 Ep. 004: "Night Maris" Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier's building.

April Fool's For Safe Spaces

Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!

Bob Eckstein Get's Wet: New Solo Album

“The long-awaited new album by Bob Eckstein is dropping worldwide April 1st called Eleven Songs About Me, a collection of eleven jazz-infused love songs. The first single is “It’s Not You It’s Him.”

Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding

You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.

How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.

#BreakfastACollege

Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Dr. Kit Lively's Signs That You're At A Bad Dentist

They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.

Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ

I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.

Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

Me Have Problem with Girl Scout Cookie Season

Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance.

New L'Oréal Cover Boy

Because you're worth it. Today's Pic Quip by Sarah Hutto!

QUIZ: Is it T.S. Eliot or Missy Elliott?

I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.

#SillySpringSlogans

April showers bring Mueller flowers, Sneeze the Day and more #SillySpringSlogans!

The Best Spots in New York to Get A Little Quiet Writing Done

Onstage at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre: Do you have the old play-based creativity-inclusive content bug? Scratch that itch by standing onstage at the Al Hirschfeld during a performance of Kinky Boots and type away.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

Ted Bundy for President in 2020!

Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again.

St. Patrick's Day Limericks

During the St. Paddy's parade, Through vomit, I had to wade, Smells like garbage and piss, Why do people like this? Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.

Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.

#SadSports

10-pin Bawling, Cryaking, Golf and more.

Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly

Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

Updated Religion Slogans for Gen-Z Recruitment

Agnosticism: The Joy of Missing Out, and more.

Prayers to the Internet Algorithm Overlord

You are the purple Lyft light I see, guiding me to the correct path. You are what gets me to my destination, even when I have forgotten what my destination is.

Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues

I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?

Casting Call for Netflix's New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?

Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.

Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group

Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning! Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.

An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020's Possible Best Picture Nominees

I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.

#RuinAn80sMovie

A Nightmare On Sesame Street, Pretty in Pink Eye, E.T. the extra-testicle and more.

11 Times Politics Ruined Game Night

How politics ruined Guess Who: “Seriously dude, this whole ‘I don’t see color’ bullshit is really slowing down each round.”

Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!

Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they've found in the torture-room of their parents' opulent home. (AMC) and more.

Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet  

But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing?

What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony

Cohen wasn't stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the "Dress Your Own Baked Potato" bar that was being set up just off camera.

#KnockOffCandy

Shittles, Gummy Sperms, Sweetfarts and more #KnockOffCandy in our comedy hashtag game!

Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)

🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more

A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)

I am frustrated and angry today This is a crisis you cannot ignore running out of time Thomas!

Managing Your Email Notifications

The "Jesus Christ What’s This Newsletter" is a weekly collection of totally unrelated things that are trending on Twitter, hot on Instagram, Snapchat stories and things to click on that have no connection to anything but are guaranteed to distract you.

I’ll Let the Hostages Go When You Agree to a Sky High Sequel

Can you imagine my pain of not living in a Sky High oriented world for so long? The rejection from society turning me into a Sky High pariah? My friends don’t even remember the name of the villain (it’s Gwen).

#FailedBoardGames

No Clue, Sorry, Not Sorry and Frisk. Lots of funny #FailedBoardGames on our trending hashtag game!

Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times

“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."

White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

Other Things That Fall Under Trump's Definition Of A National Emergency

Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.

A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners

To be quite honest, we are alarmed at the errors and misconceptions so wantonly presented in your lyrics. We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

Notable Harvard Alumni, Evaluated By How Much of a Dick They Were to Elle Woods

Colin Jost was a total dick and wrote shitty jokes about Bruiser Woods in The Harvard Lampoon.

The Climate Change Diet

Notice that shirt flares around buttons near belly. Consider switching detergents or using a cold-only cycle. Laundry is ruining your wardrobe.

What The Wall Will Actually Be Made Of

Former Trump Staff Members: Why not explore Trump's "human wall" idea further? A pile of former White House staffers would be just as good as your average fence (and no less transparent).

The Craziest Lost Beverly Hills, 90210 Episodes of All Time

“Side Burned” In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”

The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.