Conspiracy Fest Summer 2019 Live Music Lineup Announced!

Fluo Rida Lil Nas Vaxx, Chemtrail Brothers and more!

Truly Terrible Summer Beach Tips

It can be dangerous to bring alcohol to the beach, and is more than likely prohibited.    Instead, get really drunk before driving to the beach.

Some Other Pieces of Americana, Revised By The Trump Administration

God Bless America: Written by Irving Berlin, Revised by President Trump “God, bless America, / Land that I love. / Although Baltimore is a real rat-infested hell.”

David Byrne’s Other Suits

Three small suits tied together. Medium Suit, tiny David Byrne. Russian nesting suit. And more.

The Tao Te Ching Rewritten As Tweets 

The unnamable is the eternally real ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#FishAnActionMovie

Raiders of the Lost Carp, Death Fish, Get Trout and more #FishAnActionMovie on this week's hashtag game!

Playground Games for Representatives and Senators at Recess

Donald Says: A variation on the classic “Simon Says” and a GOP must-play. One person pretends to be Donald Trump and says, “Donald says '[insert action here]’.”  All the players must do what Donald says. If the person doesn’t insert “Donald says” when requesting the action, those who do the action are out. The last person still in office, or not yet roasting in hellfire, wins.  

Why is Everything in Our Fight Scene so Easily Breakable?

I wanted to ask how everyone keeps finding knives to throw? I did the inventory a few days ago, and we definitely didn’t have this many knives. We had some knives, don’t get me wrong, but we’ve been throwing, like, a lot of knives.

A Gaslight in the Attic: Toilet Tweeting

It doesn’t matter that / It’s three in the morning / I’ll tweet up a storm / I’ll send out a warning!

Other Ways to Celebrate Woodstock 50

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

Ultra-Trendy Side Hustles

Explaining rap lyrics to the elderly, and more!

Cereal Prizes for Adults

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Moms at the Beginning of Summer Vs. Moms at the End of Summer

June: “Oh, no, you might have swimmer’s ear. Get in the car, we’ll go straight to urgent care!” August: “Use your other ear.”

Sexting Before Texting: PBS Explores The History of Erotic Communication

In the renaissance period, the European upper class would often commission nude portraits to be painted and hung in their master bedrooms. The process took a brisk two to four years to complete. Today, in a matter of moments after snapping a photo of your pale, awkward torso-to-thighs region, you can get a text from your great-grandmother saying, “I didn’t survive the Holocaust to see this”! Isn’t technology amazing?

#SexyCereals

Horny Nut Cheerios, Bedded Wheat, Porn Flakes and more #SexyCereals on our weekly joke game!

Everybody in This Country Needs to Chill Out and That's Why I'm Voting for Jimmy Buffett in 2020

Mahalo, friends. Does the current political climate have you…

How To Tell If A Woman Wants You To Approach Her, Based On Her Lipstick Color

Orange: Woah, what a unique color choice! She absolutely wants you to say something. Be sure to tell her that not many ladies can pull this shade off, but she sure does! Women love being told they’re superior to other women, especially in a hypothetical competition they didn’t asked to be entered in. “Orange” you glad you spoke up?

A Gaslight in the Attic: Thoughts and Prayers

We’ve prayed on it so much / We’ve kept them in our thoughts, / But week after week / They keep taking shots!

5 Types of Cats to Catcall in Place of Real Life Humans

Sphynx Cats: Can’t call your ex-wife ugly to her face anymore? Sami the Sphynx doesn’t give two shits about your troubled past that gave you an inner self hatred that projects onto other people. She’s just a cat! But she bites. So, wear your New Balances.

Other Cuts Made to Netflix Originals

The disastrous live-action pilot for Bojack Horseman: After seeing how horrific the half-human characters would have looked in a more realistic setting, it is now evident why Netflix started their animation division. And more.

Blistering Democratic Presidential Debate Clapbacks

"And we'd also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates."

A Gaslight in the Attic

There’s a gaslight in the attic / Though the White House said one thing / They now deny and say another / And I think I’m going insane!

#SitcomAPie

King of Creams, Family Pies, Berried...With Children, and more #SitcomAPie!

15 Potential Product Placements of Biblical Proportions #7 Could Get You to Convert

The Wailing Walmart, Virgin Mary Atlantic Airlines, The Three Wise Men’s Warehouse, and more.

Things I’ve Said About Making Hollandaise Sauce or Masturbating

“I swear I’m going to finish, even if it kills me.” “It’s all about rhythm.” “It’s the perfect addition to any breakfast!” And more!

What Your Favorite Salad Dressing Says About You

Ranch Dressing: You miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Light Ranch Dressing: You sometimes miss living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. and more!

Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

The Five Stages of Grief: the Fleabag Jumpsuit Edition

ANGER: How could you be so stupid? On what grounds did you think you could pull off a keyhole front? Are you not intimately familiar with the appalling physics of your own body? You look like you’re wearing two newborns in a sling you haven’t worked out how to use.

Watch Out Taco Bell Value Menu. It’s Pay Day

But I’m not some greedy burrito tycoon. I spread the love around. If I see some choice honey eyeing my bounty I’m gonna hook her up. Because water cups are free and no one checks if you fill them with Mountain Dew Baja Blast. That’s for you baby.

Modern Day Mysteries for the Scooby-Doo Gang

“The Haunted Air BnB”: It’s a Sherlock crossover episode this week as the Gang heads across the pond for a star-studded Saturday morning special! Fresh off the plane, Velma beelines to a local pub to get wifi on her smartphone, while Fred and Daphne stumble upon a string of haunted AirBnBs being investigated by none other than British national icon Sherlock Holmes. Will Fred overcome his jealousy and be able to work with Sherlock, despite seeing this chiseled, animated version of Benedict Cumberbatch shamelessly flirt with Daphne? Are the ghosts in the AirBnB paying customers, or simply squatters claiming housing rights? Seriously, how is AirBnB even legal with the limited amount of protections in place for both consumers and hosts?

#SadSalads

Wedgie Salad, Sneezer Salad, ColeSlaughter and more #SadSalads!

Odd Instances Of Cannibalism In Modern Day Pop Culture

Hollywood Squares, broadcast episode 7/18/83- During repeated shots of Paul Lynde in the center square, the popular comedic actor is seen snacking on loose eyeballs from a small porcelain bowl.

Questions For Robert "Bobby" Mueller

Let's speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

Email Reminders You Can Give So Your Colleague Will Finish the Project He is Being Paid to Complete

The Buzzword Reminder: Per my last email, see below to remember that I am pinging you to circle back on the follow-up we agreed on. Perhaps we should find time on the calendar for a quick check-in or an all-hands meeting? Let’s take the convo offline if need be and we can loop in the appropriate people.

The Bridesmaiden’s Tale

They dress us all alike. Like children. Like dolls. The same blank merlot chiffon. Maybe a J. Crew navy or an Anthropologie pink. Prints are too tarty, and low-cut backs. They scrub us of individuality.

Dr. Frankenstein And The Terrifying Trailer For The Film Version Of Cats

“Why are some of the cats wearing fur coats?” repeated Igor. “If they’re cats, why do they need clothing? And if the coats are made of fur, then what are they using to make the coats? More cats?

Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

COMIC-CON 2019: Amended Schedule

12:00pm – TRIBUTE: “Hello Kitty - 45 Years of Delighting Girls and Arousing Creeps” 1:00pm – GAMERS DISCUSSION: “What I‘m Told Sunlight Feels Like” and more.

#FailedCampActivities

Hearse-Back Riding, Catfishing, Anal Beading and more #FailedCampActivities!

Ways to Refer to a Thing Someone Said Without Actually Calling it Racist

Intolerant, Undertolerant, Tolerance averse, Possessing a mild allergy to tolerance and more.

How To Succeed In Your Work Retreat Ice Breaker Games At Lake Manuwaka

Before we dive into our fun-packed rigid weekend itinerary –complete with SEVERAL trust-building exercises and virtually hundreds of opportunities to see the entire accounting team awkwardly wade into GORGEOUS lake Manuwaka in their saggy one-piece bathing suits—we’re going to start out with some fun, high energy ice breaker activities. So, leave your unmarked backpacks full of your business casual attire and valuables in that pile by the shore and come join us in the circle!

A Brief History Of My Obsession With Jeff Goldblum

1993. My mother tells all of our relatives that I’m “very into dinosaurs now.” I ask the elementary school guidance counselor to advise me on how to become a Chaotician. She tells me that this is not a real career, which in retrospect feels like a microaggression.

Right Now Is the Best Time to Buy a Home

Okay, okay, maybe back in 2008 prices did technically go the “opposite of up.” Let me amend the cardinal rule of real estate: Housing prices will always go up, starting right now.

White Mirror

Dressed-for-yoga MADISON has a higher-tech-looking FitBit-esque device strapped to her wrist. The device’s readout says, "KALE LEVELS LOW" and a robotic voice from it says, "Now teleporting you to Whole Foods." She disappears in a whoosh of self-satisfaction.

Wimbledon Bingo!

Keep you eyes peeled for the pigeon and the hairpiece! Go balls!

GoFundMe Story Written By An Influencer Who Totally Hates To Accept ANYTHING From ANYONE

I need to be in SoHo to be surrounded by my fellow influencers and high-ranking members of society. As you know, I hate networking (see my YouTube video “Daily Struggles Of A Hot, Social Introvert”) but it has to be done.

Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

Yes, My Internet is Also Down

I feel so alone right now. The rest of you are just going ahead and working like there's no problem, like one of your coworkers isn't totally without internet. You really find out who your friends are when your internet's down. I feel like a wounded buffalo that the herd is moving away from so I don't weaken the group.

#RomComDesserts

'How To Lose A Pie In 10 Days', 'Dove, Actually', '50 first cakes', and more #RomComDesserts!

Improper Uses of “I Don’t Know Who Needs to Hear This”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

Pour Out Your Pour Over: Craft Cocaine is the New Home Brew, You F*cking Narc

It’s just what the doctor ordered: craft cocaine is all physiological benefits, no calories. Coffee has 1 calorie if you drink it black, but everyone knows you don't drink it black, you fat f'ing narc.

Thoughts on Choosing a 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Which Subway to Take Home at Night

Instead of going all the way, it's stopping somewhere in the middle. It's still running, but on a different platform than I expected. I don't feel safe with this choice after 11pm. And more!

#DrunkGameShows

The Weakest Drink, Vermouth or Consequences, Beer Factor and more #DrunkGameShows!

Are you a Marx Brother or Mark’s Brother?

Marx Brother: Your family is known for its vaudeville comedy acts. Mark’s Brother: Your family is known for not taking down their Christmas lights.

Inadvertent Straight Pride Parades

A Wharton Alumni Reunion, A Zac Brown Band tailgate, A UCB sketch comedy team and more!

Julia Child’s Hangover Cure Recipes 

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!

Bible Version 2.0: Updated Verses from a God Who Just F'ing Can't Anymore

Ambien 5mg: So it shall be that we would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. Unto which the Lord replied "OMG, can’t I get 5 goddamned minutes to myself?! Daddy is TIRED.”

Only 2180s Kids Will Remember These Sitcoms!

Punk E-Brewster, Newhart 2182, Benson in Space, and more!

This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

#OfficeSuperlatives

Most Likely to Impede, Reddest Eyes On Monday Morning, Brownest Nose and more #OfficeSuperlatives!

Plot Lines for the Next 8 ‘Toy Story’ Movies

Toy Story 6 (2025) Bonnie, now in her early twenties, introduces a new kind of toy to her closet. In a drama reminiscent of the 1995 original, our characters must compete with a new “Woody” and “Buzz” for Bonnie’s affection.

All-Girls Catholic High School Sex-Ed Q&A With Sister Patricia

Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.

What to Do When Your Phone Dies on the Train

Whisper “Siri please” into the rigid husk in your palm.

Depressing Listicles

'12 Things You Should Never Say On A First Date… APPARENTLY!' '1 Mom And 1 Dad Who DO NOT APPROVE Of My Recreational Adult Kickball League!' And more.

#PastaFlicks

Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

The Prophecy Speaks Of “The One”

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

Hot New Summer TV Shows!

Pillow Talk - Talk show hosted by My Pillow weirdo Michael Lindell. Not sure if this series will go beyond this first episode, which seems to actually be an intervention in disguise, as a group of Mike's friends and family members corner him in an effort to wrestle away the pillow that he's forever creepily cradling. (A&E, Wed 9pm)

Seasonally Lukewarm Picnic Tips

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

What Your Father’s Day Gift Says About Your Relationship With Your Dad

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

I Just Found Out All My "World's Best Dad" Gifts are Mass-Produced and Now Father’s Day is Ruined

So, it was nice to know that all my hard work was paying off. Raising kids who are probably not psychopaths is fine, but I’m really in it for the World’s Best Dad coffee mugs, neckties, key chains, hats, and boxer shorts.

Bedbug Influencer Seeking New Instagram Management

Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things!

How I Talk About My Friends On Their Birthday Social Media Posts Vs. Every Other Day of the Year

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

#FruitACelebrity

Chris Pineapple, Melon DeGeneres, Emma Stonefruit and more #FruitACelebrity on today's hashtag game!

A Happy-Hour Cocktail Menu Sponsored by Your Company Benefit Cuts

Maternity Leave?? Sure…...ley Temple: Most of our staff doesn’t need to order this drink, due to strategic hiring choices, but if you’re thinking you might one day want to enjoy this delightful combination of lemon-lime soda, grenadine and a mouthful of maraschino cherries, let us know.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Movies Updated for 2019

Twins, and heirs to their family’s designer jean fortune, Bianca and Taylor are attending USC this fall on a full field hockey scholarship. The only problem? They don’t play field hockey. Now their mom is being indicted on charges of fraud and extortion.

I’m Benjamin Button and This is My Skincare Routine

If you’re one of the select few, like me, who are unable to age in an appropriate direction, you’re going to want to get in on this ASAP. Using a gentle apricot-pit infused facial exfoliant or a fruit peel, scrub off all of your layers of tired, older skin to reveal a younger, more vibrant new you! This worked wonders for me, so I really have no idea why it’s not doing the same for you. Uh, scrub harder, maybe?

I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

An Intervention For Batman

Bruce, I'm so sorry that its come to this, but we're going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum...

#MurderousMusicals

STABALOT, Into The Wood-chipper, Maim, and more #MurderousMusicals!

Brain Teasers That Tease Your Anxious Brain

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

Don’t Mind Me As I Hover Over Your Table, Waiting For You To Get Up

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.

Under The Hudson Yards

In fact, one of the most ingenious features of this new facility is its ability to filter out the tougher and less tractable of the species – certainly, they may be allowed to enter and take a selfie in the Staircase of Confusion, but they will never be permitted to rest their heads anywhere near those of our prize sheep.

Be Careful Out There Quiz: 2019 Spelling Bee Winning Word Or STD

Auslaut, Chlamedia, Diguillette and more Spelling Bee Word or STD.

Sorry I Reposted Your Work Without Attribution, But To Be Fair, I'm Also A Bank Robber

So you’ll be relieved to learn that my Instagram thievery is simply a side-hustle to my main gig as a full-on Jeremy Renner-in-The Town bank robber.

Your Mom's New Inspirational Wall Art

In This Family We Love, Laugh, and At Least Consider Grad School, Your Cousin Went. And more.

SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor's hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.

#CheesyLiterature

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

The Social Media Intern’s Deleted Tweet Drafts

Hey Google: Is it legal to sell my company’s couch and keep the money? Damnit, Google, no! Don’t tweet that!

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Memorial Day Picnic Tips

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

Original Dialogue Behind Famous Improvised Movie Lines

Improvised: “Thff thff thff thff thff thff.” – Anthony Hopkins Original: “Thff Thff.” In a stroke of genius, Hopkins improvised four more thff’s than the script called for. Another fun fact is that Hopkins also improvised Hannibal Lector being a cannibal.

Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

Thoughts on the Proposed Ban on Feeding Birds and Squirrels in New York City Parks, from the Birds and Squirrels

TINA, GREY SQUIRREL: They wouldn't be bothering with this ban if they knew how close they are to extinction.

Cardi D Minus and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Summer Tours

The Pips, No Gladys, Perturbed Against The Machine, Some Doubt, The Jonas Brothers’ Cousins and more budget concerts coming this summer!

#SleepySitcoms

Good Night Court, Snooze the Boss, Friendzzz and more #SleepySitcoms!

As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

Finally, That Paper on the Rain Scene from 'Castaway'

But fair is fair, the iconic scene had major problems that got a blind free pass when this Oscar-nominated movie was released. Closer examination reveals many examples of being tone deaf to men. Number one, the car. Who just hands the keys of a car over to someone without hours of back-and-forth over paperwork?

(Brian) Asimov's 6 Laws of Robotics

A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except for Kevin Olmsted. Kevin's vocal commands are grating to the human ear and shall never be entered into robotic software.

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Secret Facts That You Don't Want To Know About 'Game Of Thrones'

The "game" referred to in the series title is Connect Four.

Brandy, of the song “Brandy,” Issues a Point-by-Point Rebuttal

I write to address a number of striking similarities between the details described in your lyrics and elements of our brief affair at Asbury Park last summer.

Looney Tunes Episodes, if Cartoons Were as Political Today as They Were When Bugs Bunny Killed Hitler

Tired of being "othered," Marvin the Martian becomes politically active. A technologist at heart, he is initially attracted to the libertarian party, but quickly realizes that none of their policies are effective in the real world. Instead, he joins the Democratic Socialists of America.

Official List Of Other Things That You're Prohibited From Doing In Alabama

Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.

Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV... No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry

See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.

A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

#SadCoffeeDrinks

Cafe Americannot, French DePressed, Clappuccino and more #SadCoffeeDrinks

Life Hacks For Hacks

Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.

Trump’s Top 10 WWE Villains & Heros

Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.

Children’s Books in the Age of Trump

The Shithole Country Mouse and the City Mouse, The Princess and the Pee Tape, Gulliver’s Travel Ban and more.

Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks

"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"

Barr Walks Into A Bar...

Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, buddy?".   Barr replies, "It's been a rough week.   Better make it something stiff."   The bartender then says, "Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?"

#MomAMovie

From Here To Maternity, Raiders of the Lost Matriarch, 10 Things I Hate About Your Dirty Room and more #MomAMovie in this week's trending game!

A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!

Please Contribute to our Passive Activism Patreon

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.

Rejected Names For The Royal Baby

Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.

Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma

A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.

HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

Please Enjoy Our Company's Star Wars Day Themed Celebration, That Is Not at All a Distraction from How Bad Things Are Going.

PinnedPointz is throwing an all-day Star Wars Day themed party Friday! We have a lot of fun activities planned throughout the day that we “Hope” you will attend, even if we can’t “Force” you!

#HorrorIceCream

Cookies and Jean, Chunks of Monks, Leaches and cream and more #HorrorIceCream!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Facts

Ruth Bader Ginsburg doesn't protect the constitution, because it would be ridiculous to forget the whole point of the constitution is to protect people.

Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

(additional editor's note: all of Mr. Mueller's advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

Important Business Lessons I Learned While Working As A Door-To-Door Pickle Salesman

I figured a free taste of my pickles would encourage sales, so I always had samples at the ready. But I should have had those pickle chunks in little plastic cups on a tray, instead of what I did, which was store them in my pants pockets.

Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

What I Think An MFA Is

An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the "Divergent” trilogy.

Some Other CEO Secrets 

Richard Branson is, indeed, a virgin.

Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson's 'Pulp Fiction' Character Jules Winnfield

Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?

Itinerary Of A Plant Dad

11AM — Pia and our cat Lionel are finally getting along. I was getting worried for a moment we’d have to put him down.

Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room

So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.

#DrunkFlowers

Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers

Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.

Please Deliver This Request for Proposal by End of Week

My boss told me “deadline has the word ‘dead’ for a reason.” Help.

Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy

We can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time. Have You tried listening to that podcast I recommended about letting go of the past?

I Hope It's Okay That I Brought My Therapy Dolphin To Your Party

I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he's, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn't be alive, you know?

The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)

'Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people' - George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. 'Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption'. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.

Subscription Boxes to Help Make Your Passover Seder Manageable

Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.

#TopRedactedWords

'Hamberders', 'Pee Pee Tape', 'Who's Tiffany?' and many more #TopRedactedWords in this week's hashtag game!

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, "No Collusion" had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn't even wipe them off of the walls before the next day's tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)

Turbo Tax for Twenty-Somethings

Claim any homeownership tax breaks you qualify for: Ha ha ha ha. Just kidding. Owning a home, can you imagine?! Realize you’re $300 short on rent. Sell your plasma.

Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers

Wes Anderson- Jon Snow feels he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Stark family. He and Theon start their own local theatre company, using Theon’s status as a eunuch to their costuming advantage. We find out that the Night King is played by Bill Murray. The soundtrack is eclectic and enchanting.

Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador

We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you're dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it.