#SleepySitcoms
Good Night Court, Snooze the Boss, Friendzzz and more #SleepySitcoms!
As Your Fiction Workshop Instructor, I Don't Want to Read Anything Less Than Beautiful—Or About Boats
“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”
Finally, That Paper on the Rain Scene from 'Castaway'
But fair is fair, the iconic scene had major problems that got a blind free pass when this Oscar-nominated movie was released. Closer examination reveals many examples of being tone deaf to men. Number one, the car. Who just hands the keys of a car over to someone without hours of back-and-forth over paperwork?
(Brian) Asimov's 6 Laws of Robotics
A robot must obey orders given it by human beings, except for Kevin Olmsted. Kevin's vocal commands are grating to the human ear and shall never be entered into robotic software.
Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings
'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.
Secret Facts That You Don't Want To Know About 'Game Of Thrones'
The "game" referred to in the series title is Connect Four.
Brandy, of the song “Brandy,” Issues a Point-by-Point Rebuttal
I write to address a number of striking similarities between the details described in your lyrics and elements of our brief affair at Asbury Park last summer.
Looney Tunes Episodes, if Cartoons Were as Political Today as They Were When Bugs Bunny Killed Hitler
Tired of being "othered," Marvin the Martian becomes politically active. A technologist at heart, he is initially attracted to the libertarian party, but quickly realizes that none of their policies are effective in the real world. Instead, he joins the Democratic Socialists of America.
Official List Of Other Things That You're Prohibited From Doing In Alabama
Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.
Back In My Day, Kids Didn’t Watch TV... No, They Played Outdoors Because They Heard A Rumor That A Dead Body Was Out By The Quarry
See, back in my day, letting children search for a dead quarry-body was (in many ways) the best education our small town had to offer. Not only did dead-body-searching teach kids crucial, all-important skills like hard work, perseverance, and how to poke a drifter with a stick.
A Female Acceptance Letter to an All Male Group Project
Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.
#SadCoffeeDrinks
Cafe Americannot, French DePressed, Clappuccino and more #SadCoffeeDrinks
Life Hacks For Hacks
Put pancake mix into a ketchup bottle for easy squeezing. This will give you more time to write forced, unnatural dialogue.
Trump’s Top 10 WWE Villains & Heros
Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.
Children’s Books in the Age of Trump
The Shithole Country Mouse and the City Mouse, The Princess and the Pee Tape, Gulliver’s Travel Ban and more.
Overheard at the Westeros Starbucks
"Is my latte still not here? What, exactly, is the holdup? It's like the Long Night in this place! I'm getting grayscale over here!"
Barr Walks Into A Bar...
Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, buddy?". Barr replies, "It's been a rough week. Better make it something stiff." The bartender then says, "Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?"
#MomAMovie
From Here To Maternity, Raiders of the Lost Matriarch, 10 Things I Hate About Your Dirty Room and more #MomAMovie in this week's trending game!
A Midsummer’s Night Big Bang Theory
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Bazinga!
Please Contribute to our Passive Activism Patreon
Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.
Rejected Names For The Royal Baby
Chunderly, Prince Princely Pooferpants, Brexie and more.
Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma
A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.
HBO's List of Totally Original, Not At All Adapted New Sitcoms
The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.
Please Enjoy Our Company's Star Wars Day Themed Celebration, That Is Not at All a Distraction from How Bad Things Are Going.
PinnedPointz is throwing an all-day Star Wars Day themed party Friday! We have a lot of fun activities planned throughout the day that we “Hope” you will attend, even if we can’t “Force” you!
#HorrorIceCream
Cookies and Jean, Chunks of Monks, Leaches and cream and more #HorrorIceCream!
Ruth Bader Ginsburg Facts
Ruth Bader Ginsburg doesn't protect the constitution, because it would be ridiculous to forget the whole point of the constitution is to protect people.
Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller
(additional editor's note: all of Mr. Mueller's advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)
Important Business Lessons I Learned While Working As A Door-To-Door Pickle Salesman
I figured a free taste of my pickles would encourage sales, so I always had samples at the ready. But I should have had those pickle chunks in little plastic cups on a tray, instead of what I did, which was store them in my pants pockets.
Yes, I Kidnapped You, But It’s Only Until My True Crime Podcast Takes Off
Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...
What I Think An MFA Is
An MFA is pretending to be obsessed with David Foster Wallace when you really use “Infinite Jest” as a hiding place for the "Divergent” trilogy.
Some Other CEO Secrets
Richard Branson is, indeed, a virgin.
Fitbit’s New Life Coach Notifications as Samuel L. Jackson's 'Pulp Fiction' Character Jules Winnfield
Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?
Itinerary Of A Plant Dad
11AM — Pia and our cat Lionel are finally getting along. I was getting worried for a moment we’d have to put him down.
Hi Co-worker! It’s Me, That Guy That’s Always Brushing His Teeth In The Men’s Room
So, you’re heading over to the urinal are you? Perfect. I’ll be right here. Watching you in the big mirror while I go to town on these cuspids with a perfect counterclockwise motion.
#DrunkFlowers
Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers
Your New Amazon Prime Member Services
We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.
Please Deliver This Request for Proposal by End of Week
My boss told me “deadline has the word ‘dead’ for a reason.” Help.
Jesus of Nazareth Goes to Therapy
We can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time. Have You tried listening to that podcast I recommended about letting go of the past?
I Hope It's Okay That I Brought My Therapy Dolphin To Your Party
I call him my little cuddle bunny, even though he's, like, slimy. I guess I could be hugging a wet garbage bag full of gym socks and get the same effect, but it wouldn't be alive, you know?
The Shocking Results of Our Most Recent Independent Studies (Sponsored by Coca-Cola)
'Teens who prefer Pepsi are unpopular, bad at sports, and will marry ugly people' - George, Douglas and Glenn Davis. 'Slowed Social and Physical Development Due Directly to Pepsi Consumption'. Atlanta: The Coca-Cola Company.
Subscription Boxes to Help Make Your Passover Seder Manageable
Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.
#TopRedactedWords
'Hamberders', 'Pee Pee Tape', 'Who's Tiffany?' and many more #TopRedactedWords in this week's hashtag game!
Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms
Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.
Things More Distracting Than Your Screen
The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.
Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report
The words, "No Collusion" had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn't even wipe them off of the walls before the next day's tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.
New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons
Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)
Turbo Tax for Twenty-Somethings
Claim any homeownership tax breaks you qualify for: Ha ha ha ha. Just kidding. Owning a home, can you imagine?! Realize you’re $300 short on rent. Sell your plasma.
Alternate Endings To Game Of Thrones As Written By Different Writers
Wes Anderson- Jon Snow feels he sticks out like a sore thumb in the Stark family. He and Theon start their own local theatre company, using Theon’s status as a eunuch to their costuming advantage. We find out that the Night King is played by Bill Murray. The soundtrack is eclectic and enchanting.
Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador
We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you're dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it.
#MythicalTaxDeductions
Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!
Little-Known 'Shazam!' Movie Facts
Shazam is a very powerful character from the magic side of the DC Universe, but not quite powerful enough to cast a spell to make the world forget the Justice League movie.
Lonely Black Hole Finally Gets Some Company and Can't Shut Up
Hey, nice of you guys to finally show up. I've only been watching you for the past several hundred thousand years. You humans, I mean. Totally been watching for longer but I know some of you don't believe in cosmological time, so...don't wanna offend!
Welcome to Our Historic Castle and No You May Not Skinny Dip in the Moat
Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.
Pop Quiz: Vladimir Nabokov’s ‘Lolita’ or Ed Sheeran’s ‘Thinking Out Loud’
And the rest is rust and stardust./ Maybe it’s all part of a plan, I’ll just keep on making the same mistakes hoping that you’ll understand. Creepy Book or Pop Song?
Okay, Fine, I’ll Solve Climate Change
I suggest the following be recognized as valid, important, and, dare I say, brave forms of energy-saving and recycling:
Retweeting your own tweets, Only saying “bless you” once when someone sneezes a bunch of times in a row
Wearing the same sweatpants forever, Copying and pasting the sunglasses emoji in response to all text messages
Game of Thrones Characters Cut for Being Too Game of Thrones
King Brett Brett: The 20-month old king who loves horsies, cuddles, and cruel and unusual executions.
To My Fellow Passengers On Flight AA129
It goes without saying that you should feel free to come by and give Mommy any parenting advice you see fit, or yell at us, or just glare (we’re pretty used to it from the subway!).
I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden
So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term.
I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”
#SadCartoons
Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons
Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address
As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have.
2019 Lollapalooza Act or Font
Ariana Grande, Lulo Clean, Childish Gambino and more 'Font Or Band'. Guys, Comic Sans was snubbed AGAIN.
Lost Episodes of Frasier
S. 12 Ep. 004: "Night Maris" Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier's building.
April Fool's For Safe Spaces
Take a friend out for a nice dinner at a new place in town. Beforehand, print up a fake menu that doesn’t include any gluten-free options. Zing!
Bob Eckstein Get's Wet: New Solo Album
“The long-awaited new album by Bob Eckstein is dropping worldwide April 1st called Eleven Songs About Me, a collection of eleven jazz-infused love songs. The first single is “It’s Not You It’s Him.”
Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone's Mom
Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!
Seven Hacks to Make Doing Laundry More Rewarding
You have tons of experience with laundry, so why not cash in on your expertise? Specialize in something like “blood stains” or “J.Lo’s award show gowns.” Film a series of highly relatable and hilarious short videos about laundry to use as advertisements for your new endeavor.
How to Make Baseball More Exciting
Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather. Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet. And more.
#BreakfastACollege
Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!
Dr. Kit Lively's Signs That You're At A Bad Dentist
They have you wear the dental x-ray apron for protection, as well as a condom. And more.
Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ
I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.
Cinderella School, 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Brand of Cheese?
Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.
Me Have Problem with Girl Scout Cookie Season
Me have legitimate problems. Me working on them. C is for Cookie, but also for Compulsive Eating. Me need to find new therapist that takes insurance.
New L'Oréal Cover Boy
Because you're worth it. Today's Pic Quip by Sarah Hutto!
QUIZ: Is it T.S. Eliot or Missy Elliott?
I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.
#SillySpringSlogans
April showers bring Mueller flowers, Sneeze the Day and more #SillySpringSlogans!
The Best Spots in New York to Get A Little Quiet Writing Done
Onstage at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre: Do you have the old play-based creativity-inclusive content bug? Scratch that itch by standing onstage at the Al Hirschfeld during a performance of Kinky Boots and type away.
Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)
That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...
Ted Bundy for President in 2020!
Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again.
St. Patrick's Day Limericks
During the St. Paddy's parade,
Through vomit, I had to wade,
Smells like garbage and piss,
Why do people like this?
Oh yeah, a chance to get laid.
Quiz: Did I Cancel These Plans Because I’m A Flake Or Because Mercury Is In Retrograde?
The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.
#SadSports
10-pin Bawling, Cryaking, Golf and more.
Instead Of Committing Admissions Fraud, Please Donate To Our University Directly
Please stop committing fraud to ensure your child’s admission. Instead, please bribe us directly, through donations, gifts, and public appearances.
My Signed Book Collection
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.
Updated Religion Slogans for Gen-Z Recruitment
Agnosticism: The Joy of Missing Out, and more.
Prayers to the Internet Algorithm Overlord
You are the purple Lyft light I see, guiding me to the correct path. You are what gets me to my destination, even when I have forgotten what my destination is.
Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues
I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?
Casting Call for Netflix's New Docuseries, So You Think You Can Bind, Torture, and Kill?
Three contestants will make it to the final round, where the killer with the most creative and functional soundproof murder dungeon wins, getting the ultimate binge-watching Netflix treatment and becoming a weird sex symbol somehow.
Hyper Local and Hyper Petty: Your Town’s Facebook Group
Barbara Klein: Today outside the Starbucks I saw our state’s bird, a goldfinch! What a nice surprise on a Tuesday morning!
Marc Crabtree: Goldfinches are a trash bird.
An Absurd And Morally Irresponsible Look Into 2020's Possible Best Picture Nominees
I Transformed My Body Into A Pot Beef Stew For This Role: Christian Bale is a lock for another best actor nod as he's undergone his most ambitious body transformation to date by morphing himself into a delicious, simmering pot of beef stew. With dynamite performances by Paul Giamatti as the man who makes the stew and Amy Adams as the woman who eats it, this erotic thriller is fun for the whole family and may score Netflix it's first best picture win.
#RuinAn80sMovie
A Nightmare On Sesame Street, Pretty in Pink Eye, E.T. the extra-testicle and more.
11 Times Politics Ruined Game Night
How politics ruined Guess Who: “Seriously dude, this whole ‘I don’t see color’ bullshit is really slowing down each round.”
Your Favorite New Midseason Replacement Shows!
Show & Cartel: Children of local drug lords show off the interesting items that they've found in the torture-room of their parents' opulent home. (AMC) and more.
Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet
But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing?
What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony
Cohen wasn't stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the "Dress Your Own Baked Potato" bar that was being set up just off camera.
#KnockOffCandy
Shittles, Gummy Sperms, Sweetfarts and more #KnockOffCandy in our comedy hashtag game!
Don’t Hold the Door for Me: An Introvert’s Lament (Sung to The Police’s Don’t Stand So Close to Me)
🎵 She sees me behind her/ She wants to hold the door/ But I slow down on purpose / She decides to wait some more
A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)
I am frustrated and angry today
This is a crisis you cannot ignore
running out of time
Thomas!
Managing Your Email Notifications
The "Jesus Christ What’s This Newsletter" is a weekly collection of totally unrelated things that are trending on Twitter, hot on Instagram, Snapchat stories and things to click on that have no connection to anything but are guaranteed to distract you.
I’ll Let the Hostages Go When You Agree to a Sky High Sequel
Can you imagine my pain of not living in a Sky High oriented world for so long? The rejection from society turning me into a Sky High pariah? My friends don’t even remember the name of the villain (it’s Gwen).
#FailedBoardGames
No Clue, Sorry, Not Sorry and Frisk. Lots of funny #FailedBoardGames on our trending hashtag game!
Various Thoughts From People On A Greyhound Bus Watching Me Go To The Bathroom Five Times
“Walking to the bathroom on a moving bus is one of the top five most embarrassing things a human being can do in their entire life. He must have no dignity."
White House Tour Excerpts
Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident
Other Things That Fall Under Trump's Definition Of A National Emergency
Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.
A Note To Ringo Starr From The Association Of Octopus Gardeners
To be quite honest, we are alarmed at the errors and misconceptions so wantonly presented in your lyrics. We squirted a day’s worth of ink to write you this letter, so we do hope you listen.
Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host
Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned.
Anna: Sorry?
Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend
You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.
Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles
Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,
Valentine's for Your Roommate
Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!
Notable Harvard Alumni, Evaluated By How Much of a Dick They Were to Elle Woods
Colin Jost was a total dick and wrote shitty jokes about Bruiser Woods in The Harvard Lampoon.
The Climate Change Diet
Notice that shirt flares around buttons near belly. Consider switching detergents or using a cold-only cycle. Laundry is ruining your wardrobe.
What The Wall Will Actually Be Made Of
Former Trump Staff Members: Why not explore Trump's "human wall" idea further? A pile of former White House staffers would be just as good as your average fence (and no less transparent).
The Craziest Lost Beverly Hills, 90210 Episodes of All Time
“Side Burned”
In a shocking season finale, Brandon and Kelly call off their engagement after Brandon discovers that Kelly has been carrying on an emotional affair with his sideburns. “Choose, Kel,” he demands: “them or me.”
The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor
Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.
Other Bullied Kids Trump Considered Inviting to the State of the Union
But who didn't make the cut this evening? There must be many, many unfortunate souls out there tonight just as deserving? They sit alone watching tonight. We have their names:
The Art of Perfecting the Closed-Lip SOTU Smile!
Nancy Pelosi has her work cut out for her at the State of the Union Address. She'll need to avoid Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) because he told her to call "the wall" a “wangdoodle” and now she can’t stop reading Urban Dictionary. Also, she’s really hoping Trump doesn’t mistake Stacey Abrams for April Ryan. But mostly, she’s worried she won’t be able to keep to keep her mouth shut as masterfully as Mike Pence and Paul Ryan did at last year’s SOTU.
When You Wish Upon A Starfish, Only Fish-Related Dreams Can Come True (By Bob Iger, CEO Of Disney)
Again folks, we here at Disney apologize deeply for this oversight. But, as you can see, the effect that this policy-update should have on your day-to-day wish/dream schedule is, at best, minimal. And as long as you remember that starfish-related wishes should only be made in the context of fish-related dreams, then there should be no problem whatsoever!
Adam Levine’s Tattoos’ Thoughts on the Super Bowl Halftime Show
MERMAID WITH WINGS HOLDING A SKULL: How’s the show going, guys? I can’t see anything because I’m on the back.
Your Guide to the Super Bowl
A cool piece of trivia to know is that in the olden days, football used to be played with a blown up pig bladder, until one day, someone was like, “Hey guys, why don’t we try using one of these footballs we have lying around instead?”
Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Super Bowl Party
Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering whether you and Gary are free to watch the Super Bowl with me on Sunday. Just a few friends gathering together, reveling in the thrill and glory of spor—no, not a big party. Just a few friends. Ah, no, Paul won’t be there.
All the Ways We're Avoiding Saying "The Super Bowl" in Our Rent-To-Own Furniture Commercial as to Not Be Sued by the NFL
"New England Loyalists vs Los Angeles Male Sheep" it's time for "Football's Season Finale"!
Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16
There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.
More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad
'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.
The Art Of Re-cluttering Your Life After Tidying Up Throws You Into A Cataclysmic Emotional Crisis
Just because you don’t read anymore doesn’t mean you don’t need your books: Do you think books arranged into a high order rainbow are pretty? Does the perfect symmetry turn the volume down on the noise in your brain? Then you definitely can’t get rid of your textbooks from AP Bio, or any of your 17 copies of The Mists of Avalon.
Adorably Insightful Conversations I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old That I’ve Shared on Facebook and are Definitely Real
5-year-old: I’m going to live with you and Mommy even when I’m a grown-up! Me: Aww, that’s so sweet. 5-year-old: Well, it’s more that with the trends in real estate prices and the relative stagnation of wage growth, more and more young adults are being squeezed out of the housing and rental market.
Wilbur Ross’s Tips For Navigating Government Shutdowns
Grab some gold bars. “I usually hold down stacks of paper with an array one-kilo gold bars. If things are tight though, you might want to take a gold bar or two down to the food store and ask them to prepare you a bowl of French Onion soup,”
Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison
Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.
Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019
For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below. I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.
Things We Now Know About Whales Since the 1851 Publication of Herman Melville's Moby Dick
The real-life whale known as Mocha Dick that destroyed over 20 whaling boats in the early 19th century and partially inspired Melville's Moby Dick is now known to have also been the inspiration for L. M. Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables.
Facebook Status: It’s Time To Purge My Friends' List!
You know the drill if you haven’t given me enough likes, hearts, and replied when I posted about the predictive text challenge for what 80s inspired colored underwear I should wear next Tuesday, you are getting purged.
Trumpism or Coachella Act
The Violent Left, Rude Elevator Screamers, Cash Cash and more.
Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?
Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.
Famous Pieces Of Literature Reviewed By My Inner Critic As If They Were Written By Me
The Great Gatsby: We get it! You’re jealous of rich people. Also, isn’t this really unoriginal? Wealthy people party, and drink, and yada, yada, yada. That’s like the entire plot. You and this book are so lame, I can see why you always say “you too” after your waiter says enjoy your meal. Never write anything ever again. Now go and spend the little money you have on ice cream and eat an entire tub because you deserve that kind of guilt, you unartistic ass hat.
#ShutdownMusicals
Annie, Sell Your Gun, The Non-Producers, My Welfare Lady and more #ShutdownMusicals
Other Woke Advertising Slogans
Hallmark: When you care enough to send the very best and not a trite "Happy Birthday!" on Facebook, which collects all your data and is pure evil. And more.
Awfully Critical Software Updates
Tinder: We read through your messages and we’ve selected you to beta test our new superdislike feature. And more.
Trump's Helpful Tips For Furloughed Government Employees
I've heard that drugs can make you feel much better about things in general, so maybe take some drugs. But better do it quick, because as soon as that wall goes up, no more drugs in America!
New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse
Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.
I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds
How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.
It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone
As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.
Please Review the GOP-Approved Activities for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
The following represents all of the GOP-approved activities relating to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In light of the recent dancing video, please take time to review this list.
Note of Appreciation From Dinosaur Old Business To Customers Still Buying And Not Using The New Business Disruptors
We thank you for upholding the idea that even though there's a cheaper, more sensible way to eat, sleep, drink — do virtually anything — you don't care. You want things to stay the same. Because staying the same is the only way we can respect the past and keep people like us alive. You realize that once our business dies off -- and it will -- life will never be the same.
Hubris, Hamartia or HELL YEAH?
We’re all gathered at the Colosseum today to talk about the unsettling allegations against people in my position. And you know that position: dick out.
#NewYearsEveRegrets
Our heads are still ringing in the new year, or just ringing...where's the Tylenol!? Lots of unregretful fun this week on our Weekly Humorist Hashtag game!
Episode Descriptions from Netflix’s All-New Real-Time Reality Show: Escape/Room
Two couples attempt to complete an escape room. While the timer counts down, they search for clues and make discoveries about themselves. We explore one hour of time in thirteen hours of gripping drama and revolutionary storytelling.