President-Elect Trump recently referred to the UN as simply “a club for people to have a good time”. If you think that’s a bit startling and off putting, then wait until you see these other examples of… Trump’s Definitions of Common, Everyday Political Terms: Vice President Sort of like a wing-man who will take […]
Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The Tinder Rip-Offs! Timber Dating app for lumberjacks. Brender For Brits who prefer to date women named Brenda. Yonder For people who don’t mind traveling a great distance for a piece of tail. Kinder The exclusive dating app of Roman Polanski. Upender Tech support, not a […]
9:30 am Tinkle into the dishwasher’s detergent container. 10:15 am Pop up and down on the kitchen window-sill , hoping to give the gardening widow next door a heart attack. 11:30 am Lunch with MILF On The Shelf. 12:15 pm Sufficiently liquored up, try the “You’re standing under the mistle-blow.” line on the MILF On […]
Mr. President-Elect Trump, please always refer to the following notes before Tweeting. This could save us potential embarrassment in the future. Thank you. – The Office of Mike Pence PLEASE REMEMBER: Do not mistake NAFTA for NAMBLA. The Klu Klux Klan did not raise lots of money for crippled kids. Do not say good things about the […]
Creator Of CB Radio Sets Own Buttocks On Fire Nazi Scientists Revive Corpse Of Orville Redenbacher McDonald’s Introduces New Vicks Vapor Rub McNugget Dipping Sauce For Cold And Flu Sufferers Hillary Clinton Takes Nap Halfway Thru New Gilmore Girls Series PETA And Local Satanist Group Decide To ‘Agree To Disagree’ For The Holidays Tony Danza […]
Illustration by John Daly
A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black Friday “Aunt Sue was a great and wonderful woman. At least, I guess she was. I don’t really know, to be honest. I never really spent much time around her, as she was usually tucked into a camping tent in front of Best […]
New England Patriots mascot balloon not inflated properly, falls into crowd injuring dozens. Performance by pro-Trump dance troupe, “Yes We Klu Klux Klan!”. Performer’s on Carnival Cruise-Line float suffer severe diarrhea due to pre-show food poisoning mishap. Democratic Party float does excellent job for most of the route, then suddenly explodes in a burst of […]
“So, let’s all take turns saying what we’re thankful for, and then who we each voted for.” “Aunt Sue, you’re a miracle! That sweet-potato pie of yours disappeared more quickly than Planned Parenthood’s funding.” “Instead of an adults and kids table, this year can we have a racist and non-racist table?” “Uncle Elliott, if you’re […]
ObamaCare replaced by TrumpCare (first-aid kit, bottle of off-brand whiskey, and a coat hanger). Susan B. Anthony dollar coin discontinued because, in the words of Trump, “she was kind of a dog, quite frankly”. Replaced by the image of a topless Melania. The body of a beaten and strangled to death Alec Baldwin is found […]
President-Elect Michelle Obama not only soundly defeating Donald Trump in the election, but due to being a cyborg, being able to fly him over and then into an active volcano. Bill Cosby providing his most hilarious and heart-warming holiday special since his accidental castration forty years ago. The Westboro Baptist Church and their […]
Citizens of these great United States, you can now rest easy. While President-Elect Trump may not have the experience of those typically selected for his new position, he has wisely chosen to surround himself with a group of those who are, as President Lincoln once succinctly put it, “of the people, by the people, for […]
What Now? Things To Consider: 1) Don’t Go From Bad to Worse: Difficult to fathom, we realize. But there may very well be places on the planet that are even worse than America under Trump. You don’t want to be tossed down a volcano just so the local villagers can believe that their crops […]
Regardless of who ultimately wins, the night of the Presidential election is going to be an intense, edge-of-your-seat, terrifying couple of hours. Keep yourself from possibly stroking out or having a fatal panic attack with these… Pleasant, Soothing Thoughts With Which to Calm Yourself on Election Night If Trump wins, at least you’ve had […]
Are you ready to make the arduous journey to your local voting machine? Are you sure? Hmm… We’re not convinced. Better consult our: Election Day Voting Checklist Bring plenty of snacks for the trip. Fresh water and fruit for yourself, buckets of chum and lightly seasoned gristle to toss at aggressive Trump voters. Best […]
The odd, little out of the way places that Trump’s campaign advisors have been hiding Melania Trump from the crooked, libtard, and totally bigly rigged media: Beanie Genie 2016 “Rub me, and your most fantastical Beanie Baby wish will come true!” came the cheerful chirp from the plump middle-aged woman who met us […]
Today’s CNN report cited the guests invited to tonight debate by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Both sides clearly trying to rattle the other. Trump has invited President Barack Obama’s Kenyan-born half-brother, Malik. Hillary Clinton will be joined at Wednesday’s debate by two well-known billionaires who are backing her campaign, Meg Whitman and Mark Cuban. However, those […]
Anderson Cooper’s CNN interview with Melania Trump held very few surprises; naturally, she came out in defense of her husband. What is surprising, however, is that fact that most of Melania’s actual messages went unnoticed by viewers. Not only because we couldn’t understand what she was saying, but also because her words didn’t match up with her body language and […]
+++++++++++++ Friday, Oct. 7, 2016 3:35 pm From: Donald To: Campaign Staff Hey folks…. Sorry for this email. I don’t like to do the emails, I’d prefer to Tweet. But I’ve been advised that emails are preferable to Tweets for professional exchanges. Who says? Who’s more qualified than me to make that call? You? Sorry, […]
Who is this mysterious woman, Kellyanne Conway? The woman behind Donald Trump. She can’t be that stupid, as she’s figured out that it’s not safe to be the woman in front of Trump, at least. So maybe she’s just too good at her job? Like, you know, the Devil. We were curious, so we presented […]
Donald Trump recently began citing a Kremlin funded news website for his facts attacking Hillary Clinton. Below are a few other of Trumps favorite news stores from Sputnik News. “Time-Traveling Olsen Twins Admit Responsibility for Holocaust, Zika Virus and Release of RoboRape Machines From ChromaSvink Galaxy’s 3381 Nullifier Event” “Cookies N’ Cream Enemas Proven To […]
Forget about Trump! What about that little scoundrel, Billy Bush? His comments and egging on of Trump was just the “tit of the ice-burg” (his words, not ours; something referring to Kim Kardashian’s mom, from what we understand). Offered to help Bill Cosby whip up a batch of pre-date moonshine. Thought it would be […]
Do a shot every time that: Donald Trump attempts to do damage control by jokingly offering a Tic-Tac to Hillary. Hillary attempts to appear more relatable by doing an awkward, embarrassing dance of sorts. A member of the G.O.P decides to turn their back on Trump during the debate. Trump goes on a rambling, […]
In a surprise move the Tic-Tac organization chooses to embrace Trumps recent comments with new slogan “Grab Life By The Pussy!” Billy Bush resigned to being the most reviled person in history to have the last name Bush. Trump’s audience of sexual predators, perverts and inbred morons now even more behind his Presidential campaign. […]
It’s Hillary’s fault. He’s done plenty of other illegal things, much, much worse… vile, reprehensible stuff, and never had to worry about it; why start now? Do you know how much it costs to pay the has-beens and losers that populate his reality show? And a few of them, he really did pay! And he […]
USA Today has come out against Trump. As is of course their right. To provide the proper balance, however, we are obliged to present this somewhat less publicized opposing viewpoint from the editorial board of another long running American publishing institution. Hustler Magazine. Anyone who has been accused of sexually assaulting underage girls as often […]
Didn’t bite anyone. (on-stage at least; and even Reagan took a nibble or two out of backstage lackeys prior to his debate with Mondale) Didn’t use his fecal matter to draw a swastika on the front of his podium. (I lost twenty bucks on that one) Was close enough to Clinton to honk her boob, […]
“Senator Clinton, is it true that ISIS unfriended you on Facebook, due to your extensive online bullying?” “What number am I thinking of? No cheating by using powers of the occult, Senator Clinton!” “Mr. Trump, what are your plans to curb racial violence in this country? Besides forcing all non-white […]
Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice. [$20K for the operation, $15 a week to hire Puerto Rican guy to hose centipede down a couple of times a day] Rare videos submitted by Kim Jong Un to America’s Funniest Home Videos. [$175K for set of eight tapes, $500 to have […]
If I catch an STD from one of the dates provided by your site, is the next date free? How diligent are you in researching whether or not members are serial killers? Would you say very diligent, fairly diligent, or not very? There don’t seem to be very many female members on this site. Any […]
“… just saying, if someone is being paid to give me a proper back massage, why wouldn’t they handle the pimples as well? They don’t have to pop them with their teeth, for Christ sakes, but pop them already! I can appreciate someone being squeamish, but if you’ve already waxed my vulva, surely you must have […]
It’s fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you outside the theatre, and offer a hearty hello to the folks shooting at you inside the theatre. Those butterflies in your stomach mean that honest-to-goodness cinematic thrills await you around each corner, but also that the seventeen year old theatre manager forgot to […]
There are only a few viable scenarios that appear likely: His penis falls off. While trying to take a photo of the severed member to send to a lady, his iPhone explodes, killing him instantly. Sexting becomes illegal and punishable by death in America. Anthony moves to Tijuana, where his penis is […]
People are chomping at the bit, demanding blood and worse from Mylan CEO Heather Bresch. But before things get too heated, just listen to reason for a minute; Ms. Bresch NEEDS that extra $16 million per year raise in her salary. Don’t believe us? Just take a moment to cool down and check out the […]
Accidentally spilled a two liter of Big Red soda onto the form, and is embarrassed to ask for a new one. Attempting to write-off his weekend at “Bill Cosby’s How To Pick Up Chicks” seminar. Doesn’t want anyone to see that he dots his i’s with little hearts. He’s looked everywhere, and he just can’t […]
Recently paid workers for a job he hired them to perform. Gave a genuine compliment to a woman he doesn’t consider to be physically attractive. When addressing his lawn-care staff, said “Nice job, wetbacks.” rather than “Out of my way, wetbacks.” Last time he had a decapitated stripper buried in the desert, he actually stopped […]
Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry like to joke that Hillary’s positive political contributions haven’t added up to a “Hill” of beans. Which is what gave us the idea for this scrumptious offering. These beans, much like Hillary’s campaign promises, have been mashed and smooshed to the point of being unrecognizable. And, […]
Repair porta potty glory holes Contact landfill re: thousands of Mardi Gras bead necklaces made from spent shotgun shells. Dispose of bodies of homeless who were shot while wandering too close to the convention center. Clean brains off of the wall from racists whose heads exploded while attempting to listen to Melania Trump. Use taser, […]
Trump Roast $74.50 Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney. Piles of it. Be careful, though. It seems vaguely intriguing at first, but once ingested will quickly make you sick. No amount of fancy condiments will help it go down any easier. Not only nauseating, but quite the bitter aftertaste as well. The Side of […]
1) Most Ghostbusters fan-boys are more scared of women than they are of ghosts. 2) Fictional Proton Packs obviously too heavy to be carried by girls. 3) Fans disappointed that Melissa McCarthy isn’t playing the Staypuft Marshmallow Woman. 4) Pudgy, awkward nerdy types need comforting presence of Dan Aykroyd. 5) Demonic phantoms not realistically a […]
Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift card to vegan café “You’ve Got Kale” Incontinence-Friendly Square-Dance Lessons Backstage passes to Bill Cosby show Dollar Store Ouija board that only contacts people in comas Written transcript of Kanye’s 2015 MTV VMA speech Free paternity test results read by Maury Povich Bird-house filled with piping […]
[Prostitutional Premonitions] Aries (March 21- April 19) You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month; in fact, you will meet many, as you are a prostitute. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today, moon is in Scorpio. In other words, “Moon” is an erect penis, and “Scorpio” is your butthole. Gemini (May 21 – […]
While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission. Tear chunks of bloody flesh from the shark and rub the goopy materials all over your body. Sharks will then believe that you are also a shark, and will then leave you be. Before swimming, do whatever you can to contract HIV, Hepatitis-C, and so on. The sharks […]
No need to be as lax as the US Govt’s gun-purchasing policies.; extensive background checks for everyone attending your party is an absolute must. Sure, these people are your friends, but do you really want them to know where you live? There are probably several vacant houses in your neighborhood, use one of their backyards […]
Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney’s Pixar Studios presents the lively adventures of the Kardashian clan, re-imagined as a lovable family of animated automobiles. In this episode, the rest of the family react with jealousy and anger regarding Kim’s larger-than-average trunk space. Disney Channel It’s Pickles The Clown! When Angus Flea, an ambitious […]
Dear Abby, As a longtime fan of your column, as well as someone who enjoys the smell of their own flatulence… Dear Abby, I am a skin-tag on Tommy Lee Jones’ left thigh that recently gained sentience, and was wondering about the correct etiquette for inviting casual acquaintances to a summer garden party… Dear Abby, […]
His only contributions to the block garage sale are always bloodied girl scout uniforms. Immediately following Halloween, he rents out his porch jack o’ lantern as a toilet for homeless people. He constantly steals your newspaper, and also your television. Always brings roofies to the neighborhood lemonade stands. You live in George Zimmerman’s neighborhood. He […]
1) Oxy Pads & Oxycontin 2) The Waltzing Dead 3) MTV’s Teen Mom Try-Outs Final Round 4) Obamacareless Whispers 5) Guns For Corsages 6) Free Clinic & A Picnic 7) Shared Memes & Broken Dreams 8) Getting To Third Base With Your 4th Period Spanish Teacher 9) It’s Not Who Brought You, It’s Who’s There […]
1) Will Cialis work even if my partner and I have grown to despise one another? 2) Is it okay to consume alcohol while taking Cialis? Depending on the appearance of the partner, is it encouraged? 3) If I have to seek medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours, is […]
