OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

Huggies Anakin Skywalker Transition Diapers: For the toddler that doesn't want to be viewed as a crying baby, but still has occasional bouts with the Dark Side.

After an intense primary season, they came together to nominate Judah Maccabee. Needless to say, he was a middle-of-the-road, noncontroversial, pragmatic guy, with a peaceful Chanukah message everyone could get behind. 

In George Orwell’s novel, 1984, the character of Emmanuel Goldstein, the fictional enemy of the state, is loosely based on Elf on the Shelf. 

A flask with a Mini-Flask Hidden on the Side of It. And more.

STEP 11 -- America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case!

Pole Dancer, Vomit Comet, Door Dasher and more ways to #RuinAReindeer on this week's joke game!

Our lives will be a pointless cycle of work and stress and sadness that will only cease with the sweet respite of the grave. So let’s pick up these instruments and poorly play our little hearts out until we break up in two months when Hayden gets accepted to Stanford.  

We here at Chipotle are officially looking for an artist in residence. The program involves your working at Chipotle full time with no pay or benefits, but you have an artist studio to use for up to 15 minutes a day.

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

Sex On A Feast, Thanks gining, Vodka Giblet and more #ThanksgivingACocktail on this week's joke game!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

John Waters - WONDER WOMAN The origin story will remain largely the same, except that Wonder Woman will be played by drag icon Divine. She’s an S&M dominatrix and punishes Nazi’s with her whip and cuffs which are golden Nuvarings.

Sinner Rolls, Smash Potatoes, 50 Shades of Gravy, Undressing and more #SexySides on this week's joke game!

To show my willingness to cooperate with Dr. Daverol’s delusions of grandeur, I will graciously allow my opponents to begin each football tournament with a roll of Farjali, my personal 12-sided die. Now, would one lacking even the basics of social norms ever consider making such an offer? I think not.

Smelly lunches, stealing pens, and playing on Twitter, #BadOfficeHabits on this week's joke game!

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

Leeches and Cream Pie, Crapple pie, Key Lyme and more #RuinAPie on this week's hashtag joke game!

NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!

Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can't Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!

Carry: Blanch is not a popular girl. See, Blanch has an imaginary friend she talks to whenever the impulse takes her: a pet rock she calls Carry.

Risqué photo ops? We got ‘em! We know you dirty fall deviants love to stick your head in all kinds of holes. That’s why we’ve painted a series of erotic scenes for you to insert your face into. Do it for the ‘gram! But be warned: The scenes depicted violate several codes of conduct on all major social networks.

Feel free to use both our washer and our dryer, we keep the laundry detergent under the sink. Before inserting your load, take the cowbell off the shelf above the laundry machine and ring it three times. This should scare the poltergeist enough that he vacates the washer. If he’s in the dryer, you’re out of luck – he really likes it there. 

I’m sorry, but if (and when) one of my sons breaks the sacred bonds of matrimonial bliss, then he best be doing it in our charming, romantic (and hot-as-hell) garage… because that’s where the magic goes down! 

Katie, I swear, you must be the village idiot.  I know you would never park your car right in front of a SURPRISE party, now would you? Did you not think Karen wouldn’t recognize your SEXYGRL license plate and wonder what you are doing here?

Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics  WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

Reese's Body Pieces, BloodGushers, Rosemary's Baby Ruth and more #CreepyCandies in this week's joke game!

  There’s no such thing as a dream bathroom, just…

DEAR BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OH:   You need to collect your wife’s poop and save it out in your backyard until it’s a huge pile.  Then put on some elbow-length plastic gloves and dig through her poop looking for undigested lilac berries from the West Indian lilac bush. She has likely been eating west Indian lilac berries and this is likely what is causing her addiction.  This technique worked for me when I found a sick triceratops in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. It should work for you too! - LAURA DERN

Although from under his bridge he might tweet and offend / Don’t think for one second it won’t happen again. 

In 1934, Aida Cornfield, age six, mixed up the words to “Hush Little Baby” and brought her Raggedy Ann doll to life. The doll perished soon after when it panicked at its own consciousness and ran into the middle of Cedar Drive and was run over by Mrs. Abernathy’s Ford Model A.

“I Can’t Believe You Thought Coconut Oil Would Taste The Same As Butter” “Potato Chips Count As Paleo. Sure." And more.

It's been several months, and the treatments do seem to be working, but still, err on the side of caution by steering clear of any tailgates held on a full moon (werewolves only).

Saved By The Bellini, BoJack and Coke Horseman, Hill Street Booze and more #TVcocktails on this week's joke game!

Drink so much coffee that your heart rate is the same as it would be if you ran 100 yards. That has the same effect on your body, right?

Alien vs Creditor: Tax Returns, The Unfair Witchhunt Project, Creature from the Fat Buffoon, and more!

I'm Hooked On A Riesling, Every Rosé Has it's Thorn. Into The Grape Wide Open, and more #WineASong on this week's joke game!

America's Fuzziest Home Videos (Sundays, ABC) Home videos that seem to probably be hilarious, but that were filmed so out of focus that it's hard to tell. Adding just the right amount of wacky sound effects will probably help out quite a bit, we hope. You won't be offended at all, though, so take some degree of comfort in that. (Hosted by DJ Jazzy Jeff from his home via Skype)

The T-section is a popular new alternative to a C-section that allows mothers to still retain their Perfect Mother status by not having a C-section. It is an emergency procedure that allows the baby to be pulled out of your trachea as opposed to your abdomen.

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

Medicare for All the Swing Voters in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.

You [Odysseus]: Strapped to the mast of your ship, begging for release. Us [Sirens]: The flock of smoking hot bird-babes perched on the rocks, brutalizing you with our siren song. No one has ever resisted us before! Or since!

I'm your host, Lucifer, and this is Bachelor In Paradise Lost!  Forget all of the pretenders to our throne, we're the real Temptation Island!

Unwatched 10 episode-per-season, 7-season series on Netflix Porn, Look at me I’m a celebrity who is getting notoriety for something shameful and disgraceful Porn, and more.