Using a sheet of cling-wrap, place a transparent barrier between the seat and lid of your victim's commode.    When they next attempt to use the facilities, they will be in for an unpleasant surprise, as will the Caped Crusader, who will be savagely devoured by a swarm of vicious crocodiles unleashed upon Wayne Enterprises by yours truly!

3. Keepeth A Garden: Roses, carnations and mint will keep away the infernal smell that bringeth the Death from Rat to Man. Hold their petals in a mask around thine face to hold off the Death from claiming your sinful flesh!

Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn't possible.

Afterward, shuttle buses will take guests to the reception to be held at the estate of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe aka Mr. Peanut. Dinner will be catered by Chef Boyardee himself and desserts provided by the Keebler Elves. (And yes, Ms.Green can eat chocolate. It is not cannibalism! We’re made of meat and eat pork. Same thing!!)

Dog eat dog world: Sure, I know about dog fights. But dog cannibals? That’s a bit of a stretch for me. But you know what animals famously eat each other? Hamsters. So my edits for this “classic” saying is, let’s gain some accuracy and start saying we live in a “hamster eat hamster world.” It’s time to expose those bastards.

I make coffee so good my entire team once started to cry after their first sip and we all had to go home. It was so embarrassing. I’m being a little vulnerable by telling you about this.

What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.

I'm Proud Of My Son, Even Though He's Stolen This Car Several Times, and more.

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

People are not defined by individual traits, but by group ones. And that’s why I’m not joining the PTA this year, KAREN.

P.S. We told Yellowstone what you said about us and they said you’re no longer welcome there. The next time you pull up to their gate, there’ll be a big sign that reads: “DIANE F. FROM MESA HATES MOUNTAINS AND IS CHEAP.”

Lakshminskeep (When you see the face of an NPR host and it is not what you imagined in your head) and more.

KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn't quite fancy enough for the room.

To apply, carefully read and complete all sections (A-F) below. Submissions should be free of spelling and grammar errors. Submissions should also be free of your unsolicited commentary on the “super uptight” requirements for landing this role. 

Yes indeed, everyone single person who swims in The Pool drowns. There have been hundreds of deaths. We had to install an incinerator in the basement to keep up with all the bodies. The wifi code is HamptonSmiles45. 

The Rolling Stoves, Central Air Supply, Backstreet Boils, and more #BlisteringBands!

Dr. Seuss: Today you were born! Don’t look so forlorn! At least you don’t have kids who could find your weird porn.

God Bless America: Written by Irving Berlin, Revised by President Trump “God, bless America, / Land that I love. / Although Baltimore is a real rat-infested hell.”

Raiders of the Lost Carp, Death Fish, Get Trout and more #FishAnActionMovie on this week's hashtag game!

It doesn’t matter that / It’s three in the morning / I’ll tweet up a storm / I’ll send out a warning!

Windshield wiper, A 15 min nap, A millennial slang decoder ring and more!

Horny Nut Cheerios, Bedded Wheat, Porn Flakes and more #SexyCereals on our weekly joke game!

We’ve prayed on it so much / We’ve kept them in our thoughts, / But week after week / They keep taking shots!

"And we'd also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates."

The Wailing Walmart, Virgin Mary Atlantic Airlines, The Three Wise Men’s Warehouse, and more.

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

“The Haunted Air BnB”: It’s a Sherlock crossover episode this week as the Gang heads across the pond for a star-studded Saturday morning special! Fresh off the plane, Velma beelines to a local pub to get wifi on her smartphone, while Fred and Daphne stumble upon a string of haunted AirBnBs being investigated by none other than British national icon Sherlock Holmes. Will Fred overcome his jealousy and be able to work with Sherlock, despite seeing this chiseled, animated version of Benedict Cumberbatch shamelessly flirt with Daphne? Are the ghosts in the AirBnB paying customers, or simply squatters claiming housing rights? Seriously, how is AirBnB even legal with the limited amount of protections in place for both consumers and hosts?

Let's speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

They dress us all alike. Like children. Like dolls. The same blank merlot chiffon. Maybe a J. Crew navy or an Anthropologie pink. Prints are too tarty, and low-cut backs. They scrub us of individuality.

12:00pm – TRIBUTE: “Hello Kitty - 45 Years of Delighting Girls and Arousing Creeps” 1:00pm – GAMERS DISCUSSION: “What I‘m Told Sunlight Feels Like” and more.

Before we dive into our fun-packed rigid weekend itinerary –complete with SEVERAL trust-building exercises and virtually hundreds of opportunities to see the entire accounting team awkwardly wade into GORGEOUS lake Manuwaka in their saggy one-piece bathing suits—we’re going to start out with some fun, high energy ice breaker activities. So, leave your unmarked backpacks full of your business casual attire and valuables in that pile by the shore and come join us in the circle!

Dressed-for-yoga MADISON has a higher-tech-looking FitBit-esque device strapped to her wrist. The device’s readout says, "KALE LEVELS LOW" and a robotic voice from it says, "Now teleporting you to Whole Foods." She disappears in a whoosh of self-satisfaction.

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your test results were positive.

The Weakest Drink, Vermouth or Consequences, Beer Factor and more #DrunkGameShows!

By the time you piece together the hazy events of last night, you, my dear, will realize that you are in fact the tart in this simple French dish. To “flambé” your tarte, simply add a generous pour of any liqueur of your choice –bypassing the use of a blow torch or flame of any kind—and voila!

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.

Midnight in the Olive Garden of Good and Evil, Tortellini Recall, A Fusilli Good Men and more #PastaFlicks

You know those signs on the doors of convenience stores that read "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service"?   That same rule should be applied to picnics.   Pants, however, are completely optional.

Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things!

Maternity Leave?? Sure…...ley Temple: Most of our staff doesn’t need to order this drink, due to strategic hiring choices, but if you’re thinking you might one day want to enjoy this delightful combination of lemon-lime soda, grenadine and a mouthful of maraschino cherries, let us know.

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

If Jessica boards a train at 9:05pm and arrives at her destination one minute after midnight, is she still thinking about that weird thing you said to her at Justin’s Halloween party three years ago?

Auslaut, Chlamedia, Diguillette and more Spelling Bee Word or STD.

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor's hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President.

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.