The Da Vinci Choad, Charlotte’s Web Search History, Gone Hurl, and more #NauseatingNovels on this week's trending joke game!

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

Panic! At The Dildo, Spinal WAP, Death Cab for Booty, and more #RaunchyRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

Ferris Bueller’s Nightmare on Elm Street, Revenge of the Scanners, Full Metal Jedi, and more!

The Provost should have written this online guide, but he’s being tutored by his 9-year-old son learning HTML and Cobra in the likely event that budget cuts will slash our entire IT department. So after sharing some edibles, we are totally unprepared to prepare you.

'The I-watch-HGTV-and-can-therefore-build-an-addition-to-my-house phase.' 'The I-just-realized-I-don’t-even-own-a-hammer phase.' And more!

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

The Great White, Bull, and Hammerhead Sharks were among the first to opt out of this year’s Shark Week. The Megaladon has insisted that they’re still comfortable in their 3.6 million year retirement and will not return to help out The Discovery Channel and we support their decision. Minor League Shark Week, which consists solely of Whale Shark programming, has been outright cancelled.

Hello again fellow Miskatonic University alumni! I hope this newsletter finds you well and ignites some of that old MU school spirit (Go Night-gaunts)! As a reminder, we’re always looking for more alumni to write in. I know there are only 5 members of the class of ’07 left, but those of you who still have the power of speech should shoot us an email!

GRAVE NEW WORLD: Michael’s government keeps telling him it’s safe to resume normal life, even though he sees on the news that hundreds of people are still dying every day from a highly contagious virus that has no cure. Michael’s government wouldn’t be telling him to deliberately risk his and his loved ones’ health for the vague and ghoulish goal of “reopening the economy”...would it?

Pissedtachio, Moose Traps, Butterface Pecan, and more #MeanIceCream in this week's trending joke game!

“Unfortunately, the sprinklers are on. This reminds me of last year’s Tour when riders suffered through heavy rain, a hailstorm, AND a landslide that almost took out the yellow jersey, or maillot jaune.” “It really is JUST like that. The perseverance. The grit. The triumph of the human spirit.” “She’s walking again.”

Old Spice Girls, Fart Simpson, N*STINK, and more #SmellyCelebs on this week's trending joke game!

“Of course I remember you! I was homecoming queen after all, and a queen always remembers her subjects. I’m just kidding. Not about homecoming queen. I was homecoming queen, and also cheerleading captain, and student vice president, remember? Remember that great halftime show our senior year?”

The Walrusing  Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!

Keep calm and pray for good Wi-Fi. Check out this great comic by Tiny Beast Comics!

While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us. 

But as your relationship with taxes becomes increasingly intimate, you’ll learn that a tax season is as fickle as it is naughty. After you mail in your taxes you may never see that tax season again. I advise you to move on with your life.

But so long most of all, to the one we called regal. Goodbye to our very own proud bald eagle.

Help! I’ve put my shower curtain through a shredder and then glued it back together—like the blog instructions said—and now there is water everywhere. 

Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Why didn't he ask for hydroxychloroquine?

“Grey Gardens” The excess of the roaring twenties comes to life.  Grab your mom, several feral kittens, and some cans of corn and prepare to dance the night away. Playlist suggestions: “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince; “Crazy for You” by Madonna; “Old Money” by Lana del Ray.

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you'd thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we'll take those rascals off of your hands!

I Am Not Throwing Away My Slot: Vigilance, Grit and Determination in the Face of All Odds of Snagging an Instacart Delivery Time, with Lin Manuel Miranda

Zip-Zap-Zoom: It’s like Zip-Zap-Zop, but nobody knows who you just passed the energy to because you’re on a Zoom call. 

Let’s get our dentists back to work, so they can put their faces inches away from ours and their fingers inside our mouths to remove tartar, take X-rays, apply veneers, and provide Fluoride treatments. These brave souls don’t just fill our dental cavities, they fill the cavities of our lives.

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.

French Nip, BLTease, Jon Hamm & Chesse, and more #SexySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

CALPURNIA: Atticus, you better check your lipstick before you even think of coming to talk to me.  *Does a sultry hair flip and eye ball roll.*  Now, don’t go tugging at that dress, Scout. You want to have it all wrinkled before you even get to school? 

I tried cutting my own hair and am too embarrassed to be seen for the next few weeks. How about you just text me and I’ll get back to you when I get the chance?

KWALLA-T Tissue. Like an actual koala, KWALLA-T is tough, smells like eucalyptus, and may scratch you if you get too close.

Dear Nuts...   You're trying to get me to use the phrase, "you should drain your lizard".   And I'm not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

Look, I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t re-follow me, I’ll have to unfollow you. Then I would have to manually check your Twitter every couple days to see what you’ve been saying, and that would really be a pain.