List for the White House Handyman

We were able to obtain a copy of the list of requests and fixes…

All the New Cable Channels

"Comedy" Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim…

Quiz: Canadian Football League Team or Condom Brand

1. Stampeders 2  Blue Bombers 3. Trojans 4. Tiger Cats 5.…

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Buttock Moisteners, PI-  Adventures of NYC detectives who moisten…

Things Everybody is Tired of Hearing a Skeleton Say

"I am made of bones." "I…

Nihilistic Airport Announcements

Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…

5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence's Urn

Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it. Despite countless,…

White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night

Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear   The…

Steve Bannon’s Netflix Queue -or- How Steven Bannon Will Spend the Next Few Weeks While Nursing a Wounded But Bloated Ego, Fomenting Hatred in his Heart, and Drinking Gallons of Cheap Gin from a Discarded Aunt Jemima Bottle and a Sterilized Nipple

Birth of a Nation (the 1916 version, not leftist 2016 film…

A Drug Infested Den' And Other Trump Inspired New New Hampshire State Mottos

President Trump called New Hampshire 'A Drug Infested Den.' Look…

So You've Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane

So you've wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane. Good…

Donald Trump's Take On Classic Fairy Tales

Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody…

Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players

Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…

Our Desperate Writing Submission for Breitbart

Hello! We are writers who have not had success being hired by…

Trump Fantasy Football League

Current and former members of President Trump's inner circle…

New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers

Acting They certainly have the practice of pretending to be…

How To Tell If You Watched The Eclipse Wrong

Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming. Your…

10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse

1)  Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious…

Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish

As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…

Half A Dozen Other Nice Things That President Trump Has To Say About Hate-Mongering White Supremacists

"Wonderful... beautiful, even... penmanship on some of those…

ALT-Right Film Festival

Tiki Torch Song Trilogies The Kids Are Alt Right Do…

Employment Opportunities For The Recently Exposed Racist

Many of these marching white supremacist idiots have been exposed…

Scaramucci's Ten Day's Worth Of Accomplishments

Booked a spot on Celebrity Big Brother Straightened the…

Dear Mother's Needlepoint

          …

Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season

After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center,…

5 Life Hacks You Can Totally Ignore Unless You’re the Extraterrestrial Arthropod Controlling Chris Matthews

Living day to day is one fickle beast, and sometimes all it takes…

Are You Sure You Want To Log Out?

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The TV Beat- What To DVR Tonight!

Sandra's Café Hilarious antics ensue when Sandra and the…

11 Special Counsels Trump Preferred Over Robert Mueller for Trump/Russia Investigation

Jared Kushner Scooby Doo Jared Kushner Matlock Jared…

Other Super Secret Info Leaked To Russia By Trump

The White House Wifi password is password. The place underneath…

Rejected Prom Themes

Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation Dance…

"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…

James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…

Cutting Edge Gardening Tips

Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava…

14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet

To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop…

Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes…

Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept

Slimy skin Tightass Sunburn from an “All Lives…

If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…

Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall

The Moat We’re going to build a great moat, a great moat,…

Turning Your Lemonade Stand Into A Solid Money-Maker

Wet Lemonade T-Shirt Contests with several of the neighborhood…

14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words

Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim…

Trump's First 100 Days

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…

Signs That You're At A Crummy Garage Sale

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Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times

That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again That…

Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…

HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…

Mar-A-Lago Menu (In the Event of Your Eventual Food Poisoning)

“Mr. Trump’s” Braised White Toast* $50.00 Chilled…

8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…

11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks

7) Health-insurance premiums are tax-deductible, and if you simply go without health insurance you can save years of income taxes by dying prematurely.

Fareed Zakaria Declares the Moments Others Truly “Became the President”

“I think Donald Trump became president of the United States.…

Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…

Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…

Wall Street’s Additions to Fearless Girl

PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE STREET GLOBAL ADVISORS. Due to the…

Recent Cases of iPhone Damage in the Current Political Environment

Repair Ticket #2948528 Phone smashed against wall after aunt…

Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

LISTEN TO THIS ARTICLE We think that getting weekly email…

Budget Cut Reading List

Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…

7 Movies with HUGE Holes in the Plot

1. The Shawshank Redemption 2. Indiana Jones 3. The Core 4.…

It's Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!

What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life…

QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4.…

Punchlines to Knock-knock Jokes Rejected by Highlights, the Magazine for Children, Which Has Since Banned Me from Future Submissions

1. Orange you glad I didn’t say gonorrhea? 2. Lettuce…

First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…

Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…

Other People Mike Pence Won't Dine With

Pence's wife has announced that Mike Pence never dines with women…

The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

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Paul Ryan's Other Teenage Dreams

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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…

A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy

  1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever…

Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…

Guided Meditations For The Trump Era

In light of recent political events, we’ve updated our app…

Every Emoji Is a Dick Emoji

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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

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Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…

Signs That You Have March Madness

Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply…

Most Anticipated New Reality Shows

Extreme Vetting  Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…

Unwanted Virtual Reality "Brand Experiences"

 The FedEx Immersive Apartment Feel like you’re actually…

Animatronic Donald Trump's Executive Orders From Disney's Hall of Presidents

Inside Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction, 44 animatronic…

Trump Administration Revised Terror Watch List

Nordstrom Australia Meryl Streep Cast…

5 Ways to Spice up Your Relationship with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak

Every serious relationship goes through dry spells. It’s…

Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner

President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…

The Hottest Travel Destinations on TRAPPIST-1

In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA…

Kellyanne Conway's Guide To White House Etiquette

When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece…

Other Big Goofs From Last Night's Oscars

Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape. Jimmy…

Trumped Oscar Films

The American Academy of Arts & Sciences announced during…

How To Tell If You're Allowed In The White House Press Briefing Room

Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka's sassy…

Other Surefire Ways to Get Kicked Out of CPAC

  Organizers for the Conservative Political Action Conference…

President Trump's Black History Month Checklist

☐  Why no White History Month? Have someone look into that. ☐…

TRUMPO Phonetic Alphabet

The administration's defense secretary said Trump may reduce…

White House, Dirty Laundry: Presidential Sick Habits

Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged…

What Happened 'Last Night In Sweden'

Here's what President Trump was talking about when he mentioned…

Reasons Why I Imagine You Didn’t “Like” My Post

You didn’t see it. You like to space out your “likes,”…

Sports Illustrated: The Lesser Known Specialty Issues

Sure, you know the "Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition".…

White House Valentine's Day Cards

        …

Mike Flynn Phone Calls

The Trump Administration has more phone call problems. (Now…

Rejected Candy Hearts

Your Fist Is On My List Four Fingers?!? Please?…

The Grammys Drinking Game

To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take…

5 Ways To Repurpose Aging Supermodels Into Minimalist Home Decor

As our runway models age, we ask ourselves, “What do I do with…

Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment Donald is a brash but sensitive…

Rudy Giuliani’s Cyber Security Tips

As Donald Trump’s administration continues to take shape, Rudy…

Other Things That The Kremlin Would Like An Apology For

President Trump's interview with Bill O'Reilly on Fox News really…

Bowling Green Massacre and Our All-Time Favorite Kellyanne Conway Lies

So now Kellyanne Conway is referring to a "Bowling Green Massacre",…

Trump Calls to World Leaders

President Donald J. Trump reportedly became angry during a telephone…

Does The Mile High Club Still Count if My Plane Has Been Missing Since 2014?

Guess what, man? I totally did it! Mile high club, baby! Yes!…

Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes

Oprah Winfrey is joining 60 Minutes as a Special Correspondent.…

Super Bowl Vegas Odds

Experts predict close to $5 billion will be bet on Sunday's Super…

Naughty NASA Pickup Lines

Do you want to ask out that special crush, but scared she’ll…

Other Trump Executive Orders You Might Have Missed

New trade agreement discussions with Chile ("Mostly because I…

How The Obamas Spent Their Vacation In The British Virgin Islands

When the Obamas departed from the White House on January 20th,…

Alternate ways of paying for the wall

Now that Mexico has refused to pay for the wall that the Trump…

White House Confidential: Overheard During Trump’s First Week In Office

Anyone got a thesaurus? I’m running out of synonyms for the…

2017 Ethics: Punching a Nazi and Other Acceptable Acts

Punching a Nazi Putting an empty milk carton back into…

Trump's Other Changes To The White House Website

Trump wasn't in office for even a day when he made several notable…

Alternatives to Alternative Facts

The truth seems to be a fickle thing in the new White House,…

BuzzFeed for Dads

19 Nose Hair Trimmers Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life. 27…

Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…

Women's March on Washington Pick-up lines

You smell slightly less awful then the other hippies. So,…

Most Common Tattoos Spotted at the Trump Inauguration

Demonic/zombie bald eagle with dead dove in it's mouth: 174 Rebel…

Pick-up Lines Overheard at the Trump Inauguration

Given President Trump’s notorious sexist comments about women,…

Washington, D.C. Travel Guide for Trump Supporters

Tens of thousands of Donald Trump supporters will be flocking…

The New School Threat: Grizzly Bears

Sure guns in schools can do SOME bad things, but what's the REAL…

Obama Sticky Notes

Sticky notes that President Obama has left around Washington…

GOP Affordable Care Replacement Ideas

Don't despair, folks! All is not lost! Just mostly...   Quit…

11 Other Things House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz Would Rather Investigate than Trump’s Obvious Conflicts of Interest

If the returning Champion always goes first on Jeopardy, who…

The Real Reasons That Ringling Bros Are Shutting Down

Bankrupt after having to bail out so many clowns who had been…

Jason Vorhees' Camp Crystal Lake Etiquette

1. Look, we know why you're here. You're going to have sex. And…

Notable lines from Donald Trump's upcoming Inaugural Address

"Ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what your country…

How to Explain a Golden Shower to an Evangelical

It's like the story of Noah and the Flood, but God is a high-priced…

Donald Trump Reviews Overrated Meryl's Top Films

Kramer Vs. Kramer Overrated Meryl won an Academy Award for her…

Golden Globe Categories That Don't Make it to Air

Best Performance By An Actor/Actress Trying To Bounce Back From…

Other Revelations from the U.S. Intelligence Community

  Russian hackers got into the Nielsen computers and sabotaged…

9 Great Urinal Conversation Topics

1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These…

Reality Shows of the Dictators

PUTIN YOU ON "Smile!  You're on Candid Comrade!"  The playful…

Mariah Carey's Excuses For Her Horrible NYE Performance

Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on…

Grim Reaper’s 2016 Party Gets Outta Control

Looks like someone can’t get enough celebrating this year,…

What ABC Isn't Telling You About The Bachelor

More robots per episode than an entire season of Westworld. The…

Trump's Definitions of Common, Everyday Political Terms

President-Elect Trump recently referred to the UN as simply "a…

Useless Tinder Rip-Offs

Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The…

7 Reasons Why You’ll Regret Reading This Click Bait Article

1) You’ve been had! There’s no nudity here, pal. Why don’t…

Christmas Gifts The Trump’s Asked From Santa

The Declaration of Independence, for Ivanka to use as coasters…

Daily Planner Schedule For The Elf On The Shelf

9:30 am Tinkle into the dishwasher's detergent container. 10:15…

Donald Trump's Pre-Tweet Crib Sheet

Mr. President-Elect Trump, please always refer to the following…

10 Lesser Known Award Shows Nominees

Tis the season for award show nominees. Here are the few, the…