You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor

This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.

#SupervillainACelebrity

Cruella De Bill Nye, Green GobLin Manuel Miranda, Queen Latifah of Hearts, and more #SupervillainACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

The State of the All-American Hot Dog

The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering...

Classic, Respected Literature As Tasteless, Lowbrow Poop Jokes

The Great Shatsby (by F Scott Shitzgerland), To Kill a Mockingturd, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, and more!

Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don't want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um... do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I'm a sentient penis pump. The only thing I've ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

#SummerASitcom

Community Pool, Man With A Tan, Sanford and Sun, and more #SummerASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

Mission Impossible Movie or Improv Troupe?

It’s not clear if or how anyone’s getting paid. It’s a lot of white guys and one woman. The group believes what they are doing is saving the world. And more!

Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

Gambling Problem? Visit Our Casino!

Let’s say your friend Frank has a particularly bad hankering to gamble; you can pledge $100 in support of his recovery, voicing your confidence that he can abstain from betting. If Frank makes it six months without placing a bet, your $100 contribution will net you a $1,000 “thank you” payment—a reward for your faith in your buddy.

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.

Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads

Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!

Delivery Notifications Ahead of the Teamsters Strike

Notification #5: Your package finally arrived at the sorting facility Justin, a third-generation Teamster, is now sorting your package, but he only gets a five-minute break once every four hours, so he might “make a mistake”. And when you deliver 18.7 million packages domestically each day, they can’t all be winners. 

#RuinAnIceCream

Thumb Raisin, Salted Camel, Rocky Toad, and more #RuinAnIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

Joey Chestnut’s Yelp Review of Nathan’s Famous, Coney Island, July 5

Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway?

Your Dog's Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog

Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs 'em? Look, I haven't forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn't allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.

News Briefs: Middle Aged Eagle Scout Top Recruitment Pick For Local Area Cults

Plus: Exhaustive Study Reveals Slip-In Shoes Greatest Achievement Of New Millenium, Kitchen Junk Drawer Officially Too Full To Open, Man With Dad Bod Isn't Even Really A Dad.

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

5 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated

Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.) 

#SoggySciFi

Dewbacca, District Brine, Moist Max, and more #SoggySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

An Actual Conversation About That Episode

Me:  Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode? Other Person:  See it?  I feel like I lived it.  That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm. Me:  You’re lucky.  That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode. 

I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief

Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.

A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees 

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations

First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

#VinoAVideoGame

XBOX Wine, World of Winecraft, Portnite, and more #VinoAVideoGame on this week's trending joke game!

I Got Tired of Having a Personality, So Instead I’m Wearing This Bucket Hat

I decided the best course of action was to cover the top half of my face with a pink, fuzzy bucket hat. I searched the nearest gutter and found the perfect one. 

New Summer Pool Rules

No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool.  Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!

Quiz: Nickname For Trump or Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

Truly Terrible Fathers' Day Gifts

World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

#DisgustingDesserts

Pustard, Mice Cream, Key Grime Pie, and more #DisgustingDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Father’s Day Grit Guide From 3M’s Sandpaper Division

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

Guided Meditation for Control-Minded Bros

Notice your body. Are you holding tension anywhere? If you are, well done. Clench your butt cheeks together like you’re trying to crack a walnut in your ass-crack.

2023 Spelling Bee Word or Weight Loss Pill

Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!

Corporate Statement Templates For This Pride Month

Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire : We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade.

Ding Dong, The Bigot Is Dead

DOROTHY: Okay, well, normally I would feel terrible about this, my house landing on someone and all. But it sounds like he was a bad person right? So him dying is a good thing? GAY-LINDA: It’s a great thing! It’s a Pride miracle!

#PsychoSandwiches

Crazed ham and cheese, French Dippy, BBQanon Sandwich, and more #PsychoSandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

Survival Guide For Being Shipwrecked In An Episodic TV Series

You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!   

If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

Boston Sports Fan Pain Chart

Bean Town or Mean Town? Tough place to be a fan.

Op-Ed: I’m the Alien Controlling Mike Pence from Inside His Skull–Farewell, Earth 

I understand the grief many of you might feel now that you know the truth about Michael. Some of you loved him. Others despised him. But please, accept this: there is no “Mike Pence.” Michael was never real...

If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl's Cash

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

#CrudeCartoons

XXX-Men, BoJack-Off Horseman, Screwby Doo, and more #CrudeCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

Short Attention Span Musical Theater

Annie Get Your Gun Annie: I can do anything you can do better Boyfriend: Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. Curtain

An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite

It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.

Playlist: Classic Songs Updated For Privileged White Men

You’ve Got A Friend (That Could Refer Me At McKinsey, Right?) Originally by James Taylor And more!

My Sleep Rider: Contractual Requirements for Sleeping at a Friend’s House After Age 35

Noise Levels: Once The Light Sleeper enters the Designated Sleeping Space, silence must reign for the following ten (10) hours. The Host commits to ameliorating any excess noise, including, but not limited to: household snoring, street noise from the nearby fire station, pet snuffles, and whatever that creaking pipe and/or Victorian ghost situation was last time. 

Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!

#EroticRockBands

ZZ Topless, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Tongue, Twister Fister, and more #EroticRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

We Are Denying You Admittance To This University Because Your Senior Prank Was So Lame 

We encourage all of our students to try to embody this mantra at all times, as creativity is inherent in the Wilhearst experience. So with that aphorism in mind, you can only imagine how disappointed our team was to see that hackneyed senior prank you tried to pull with your buddy Jeff.

Here’s Looking at You, Chat as transcribed by Michael “Micky” Shaw

You’ve told me a good many things. Sometimes I think you do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of thinking too, it adds up to one thing. You’re going to go back to where you came from.

Billboard’s Greatest Hits Rewritten By AI

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

Gothmopolitan Magazine

Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other's Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.

My Speech to the 2023 Graduates

Congratulations, kindergarteners. And before you go dislocating your shoulders patting each other’s backs, you should know that the real world is more than fingerpaints and snack time. And first grade can be a bitch.

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

I Had to Buy This Tent From REI, It Was on Sale and It’s Slightly Different From My Other Tents

I can’t wait to try it out this summer. In the meantime, I’ll put it away with all my other REI tents in the makeshift gear storage space in the corner of my 800 sq ft apartment.

#StonedSuperHeroes

Dr. Strain, The Hash, Fantastic 420, and more #StonedSuperHeroes on this week's trending joke game!

The Nine Circles of Helloton

No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says. 

GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature

Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what's needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.

I Have To Manspread on Public Transportation Due To My Massively Wide Chode

When you see me or any other man stretching out as if the subway is our own personal living room, know that it’s due to our penises being oriented horizontally and shaped like harmonicas.

Names That I Will Likely Consider For My Prison A Cappella Group Should I Ever Find Myself Incarcerated and Yearning to Sing With My Fellow Convicts

Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!

#FishACelebrity

Anchovy Hathaway, Skate Winslet, Eel Patrick Harris, and more #FishACelebrity on this week's trending joke game!

I’ll Be Honest, I Thought Robbing Banks Would Be Easier

To rob a bank, you don’t need a gun. You need heart. You also need an accomplice, a getaway driver, and nuns’ costumes like in The Town, from critically-acclaimed director Ben Affleck.

Fantasy Mother’s Day Gifts for Moms of Small Children Presented in Increasing Order of Implausibility

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

#DangerousDesserts

Chocolate Drownies, Key Lime Die, Cinnabomb Rolls, and more #DangerousDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Checklist For Things To Bring To Your Next Wedding Weekend

Jars of incense because you have unfortunately become that person. Flashcards reminding you not to drunkenly namedrop King Tutankhamen. Tupperware with ham and cheese sandwich. You saw the menu. And more!

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

QUIZ: Classic SNL Sketch or Unhinged Social Media Ad?

You were born into the misinformation age and are addicted to the internet, but which generation are you at heart? Self-diagnose yourself as a true Gen X, Millennial, or Generation Z by testing your dated pop-culture knowledge and your grasp of online marketing grifts.

What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA 

When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!

#PervertedPartyGames

Truth or Bare, Beer Thong, Taboob, and more #PervertedPartyGames on this week's trending joke game!

WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

Popular Séance Magazine

Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.

How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

Some Possible New Jobs for Tucker Carlson

GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!

Headlines From the Dominion / Fox News Trial We Will Never Get To See...

Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!

It's Fart-Twenty—Time to Get My Public Farting Buzz On!

How great is it that I can blaze up some stew and stroll wherever I please—a river walk like this one, or a botanic garden, or a national monument folks have waited their whole lives to visit—while farting to my heart’s content? How great that everyone finally recognizes that our nation’s most wondrous spaces are even more wondrous when they smell like Joey Chestnut’s bathroom?

I'm a CAPTCHA, and I'm Having a Midlife Crisis

You may have noticed that lately every time you have to prove you’re human rather than one of those increasingly sexy spambots, the pictures that you have to identify are either motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts. That’s my fault. I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m having a midlife crisis. 

#FlatulentFlowers

Stink Carnation, Bunflower, Tootlips, and more #FlatulentFlowers on this week's trending joke game!

George Santos Reelection Survey

Please take a moment to complete this brief survey on who you would want me to be when I am up for reelection – it’s just around the corner. At the end of the survey, please indicate how much you would like to contribute to keep me away from New York in Washington town. No amount is too small: $525,000, $25,000, or twelve hundred installments of $199.99.

2023 Coachella Act or Classic Sitcom Wacky Neighbor

Uncle Waffles, Cosmo Kramer, Quagmire, and more!

Rejected HBO Max / Discovery+ Streamer Names

anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

We’re The Weather Channel and If You Don’t Subscribe to Our Premium Site We Will Start Sacrificing Oxen to Zeus

Some of you call us panic salesmen but still demand unfettered access to terror-inducing forecasts in 15-minute increments. All we know is that keeping up with the extreme weather flavor for the week can really mean the difference between life and death in this anthropogenic apocalyptic shitscape.

A List of Celebrities Who Have Skied Into My Back in Park City, Utah

Robert Downey, Jr. :You may feel a bit envious that I got to meet Robert Downey, Jr. when he skied into my back in Park City, Utah, but there’s really no need to be jealous.  Robert Downey, Jr. skis into everyone. But he’s just so charming when he picks you up, it almost makes you forget the bruises, so it’s not all bad.

#RoastARomCom

10 Things I Hate About Poo, Moonsuck, Annie Hell, and more #RoastARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

George Washington’s Secret to Glowing Skin

As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.

Euphemisms for ‘Influencer’ That Reality Shows Use to Make It Seem Like Contestants All Have Different Jobs

Content Creator, Freelance Content Strategy Specialist, CEO of Micro-Ad Sales, and more!

Star Wars Bounty Hunter or Traditional Passover Food

Zuckuss? Tzimmes? Hazeret? Just try not to dip your Din Djarin in the salt water.

10 Rules For Kid Rock Concert Goers So He Doesn't Get Triggered And Refuse To Play

Do not seat any fans in rows LGBT or Q.

Late Night TV Hosts React to The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon: "You guys hear about this? A man named Jesus was killed today for claiming to be the son of God. Yeah. Awful. When asked for comment, God pointed and said, 'Look, a dinosaur!' And ran away."

#EerieEasterCandies

Cadbury Scream Egg, Marshmallow Creeps, Jelly Fiends, and more #EerieEasterCandies on this week's trending joke game!

Truly Terrible Things About Trump Arraignment

Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren't using 'good orange' and he looks too 'creamsicle'. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won't answer any questions until he's placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

A Conversation Between My Teeth And Tongue After I Accidentally Bite Myself

Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.

Take Me Out to the New & Improved Ballgame

Zipline Substitutions: Instead of waiting forever for a new pitcher to reach the mound, he'll zipline in from the bullpen.

#SpoilASport

Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!

Ten Zombie Twists That Haven’t Been Done To Death 

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow

“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing” Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow / Did you know? Did you know I lost half a day of skiing? / That’s six hours orrr—How long my vagina candle burns!

PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State

Texas: Choking the chicken.   An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!

The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear

Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation

I’m Definitely Going to Get Arrested Friday

I’m going to be arrested Friday for something I haven’t done. I know I said Tuesday, but I hadn’t thought through all the steps involved. Or Saturday at the latest.

#FlowerASitcom

Shrubs, Happy Daisies, Carnation 54 Where Are You? and more #FlowerASitcom on this week's trending joke game!

VC Firm Shares Alternatives to Silicon Valley Bank

Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it.

Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers

Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.

Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

Little Known Facts About St. Patrick’s Day

Large cities like Chicago dye their river green each year to blend in any vomit spewed by people who’ve been drinking since 10 AM. Every time a drunk man stumbles, a leprechaun gets its wings. Corned beef and cabbage exist only on this holiday. Any leftover corned beef and cabbage will turn into a honey-glazed Easter ham at the stroke of midnight. And more!

#RobotARockBand

R2U2, HAL and Oats, Stone Temple Autopilots, and more #RobotARockBand on this week's trending joke game!

I’m Saint Patrick and I’m Back to Fix America’s #1 Problem: Snakes 

May I remind you, the Second Amendment protects your right to Bear Arms, not snakes. Americans can still have as many Bear Arms as they want.

Ron DeSantis Never Gave Lap Dances And Eight Other Newly Discovered Examples of the Mandela Effect

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis first rose to fame as a founding member of the Chippendales erotic dance group. But it didn’t really happen. DeSantis never actually thrilled women in any capacity. The above is a classic example of the Mandela Effect. That’s when thousands of people “remember” something that didn’t exist, like Curious George having a tail, or King Henry VIII holding a turkey leg. Are these mass misconceptions a coincidence, or are people tapping into an awareness of an alternate reality? Read on for more examples of this bizarre phenomenon. 

I'm Speaking to the Server at This Portuguese Restaurant in French, Goddamnit

I’m back from my study abroad in France, everyone.

GLUMMER Magazine

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn't: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Introducing: LinkedIn Dating

Once you’ve selected your top candidate, you may make them an offer and negotiate start date*, and benefits package. Additionally if you are just looking for a one night stand, try I’mEasyApply to fast track filling the position. Happy recruiting!

#FuriousFastFood

Crappy Meal, Murder King, SmackDonalds, and more #FuriousFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth

Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!

I’m an Egg Bake, and You Peasants Need To Stop Calling Me an Omelet

We are not the same. We are both made with a combination of eggs, perhaps a splash of milk, a variety of vegetables, sometimes a sprinkle of ham, and if you’re disgusting, more bacon than eggs. But that’s where the similarities end. 

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

The Bullshit Artist

George Santos, as we know, is also an international film star, he and his co-star Kitara Ravache, are up for an Oscar in the new film, The Bullshit Artist'! It's remarkable, with his animal charity work, elected office, and work as a eyewear model, that he finds the time to do it all! Fingers crossed!

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought to You By the Grand Old Party

Allow us, your humble allies in this pursuit of equality, to present a couple steps, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, to help you navigate and ultimately accept the overwhelming heartache that comes with knowing 19% of all your paychecks will be forfeit to your student loans as long as you draw breath.

#SmellySciFi

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, R2-PU, Dr. Who Farted? and more #SmellySciFi on this week's trending joke game!

HBO Highlights Its Very Original, Very Unique Content

Rich People Being Absolute Lunatics, Iconic Show From The 90’s, Epic Fantasy Show That Costs A Trillion Dollars, and more!

Items in My House Ranked by How Quickly They Slid Down the Guggenheim Ramp

Ceramic Penguin Wearing A Top Hat: This little guy is a survivor. He rolled past the increasingly suspicious security guards before bouncing off some lady’s shoe, flying past Picasso’s Woman with Yellow Hair and landing in the back of a stroller. He rode the descent in style with the penguin tipping his hat at me.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

#BoozyBoardGames

Tabooze, Connect Pour, Guess Who got drunk, and more #BoozyBoardGames on this week's trending joke game!

We at the EPA Assure You This Liquid Is Only a Little Spilled Milk and It’s Nothing to Cry Over

We’d love to hand out some cash and stick around for the cleanup, but unfortunately, we only cover large natural disasters and not a little milk spillage. 

21 Voting Groups Now Vying for the Position Formerly Held By Soccer Moms 

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

1-Star Reviews of Major United States Landmarks

The Statue of Liberty: Didn’t move as much as in the Ghostbusters film. In fact, it barely moved at all. I stared at it the whole time I was there and it hardly moved. If it did, it was really slight. 1 star. And more!

At This Performance of “Hairspray”, the Role of Wilbur Turnblad Will Be Played by You, Get Up There

We are fully aware that YOU Are an AUDIENCE MEMBER Who came here with no intention of playing WILBUR TURNBLAD But like I Mentioned, it’s what our call sheet says...

Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!

#SexyRockBands

Kink 182, Buns n Roses, Nippleback, and more #SexyRockBands on this week’s trending joke game!

The Forgotten Tragedy of the Night President Lincoln Died by the Ghost of Actor Harry Hawk

Alone on the stage midway through Act III, I deliver the line of lines. You know it well. Say it with me: "Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal; you sockdologizing old man-trap!" I know, I can scarcely pen the words such does my body quake with laughter. They just don’t write them like that anymore, do they? I knew that moment would punch my ticket to New York and superstardom. So, naturally, I nail the line, slaying my rapturous audience (perhaps not the finest turn of phrase given the circumstances, but paper and ink are not cheap so onward) when the shot rings out from the president’s box. As you can imagine, the distraction pretty much stopped the show flow like an Edison phonograph scratch.

Exciting New Nail Polish Colors for Spending Your Valentine’s Day Home Alone!

Bold Red Alone in Bed with Snacks and “Jane Eyre” on Netflix, the Michael Fassbender One, Berry Naughty Thoughts About Michael Fassbender, Sexy Fishnet Stalkings of Michael Fassbender’s Full Frontal Pics Online, and more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!

OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.

Start Enjoying This Catalog You Think You’re Too Young To Get

Sure, you can put on your Clash and your Bush and your Kate Bush, but playing them on vinyl doesn’t make you young and wired. It makes you old enough to have the original albums before CDs were invented. Let’s talk tweed.

#CrassCoffee

Asspresso, Dickaffeinated, Chock Full O Butts, and more #CrassCoffee on this week's trending joke game!

I Want a Refund on This Wedding Photography Package Because All You Did Was Focus on Cats

I have seven nieces and only one of them’s in a photo. But even in that one, her face is hidden behind a manx wearing a large felt hat like Meghan Markle. Couldn’t you have moved her? Also, couldn’t you have focused on my bridesmaids in their fabulous dresses and not kittens in ill-fitting cummerbunds?

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!