Dixie With Myself, Dark Side of the Moonshine, Wish You Were Deer, and more!

The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!

Hulewd, Hotify, ParaMount Me + and more #SexyStreamingServices on this week's trending joke game!

But “Trump Will Kick Your Sorry Woke Asses” is in no way a political song, or anti-anything or anyone. It’s a song about building community, symbolized by the life of a fictional character, who I happen to name “Donald Trump,” who lives in a small town called “Mar-a-Lago,”...

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

We would like to make you confirm with the vernacular of a petulant child by clicking the “I don’t care, unsubscribe me anyway” button.  And is that tone really the kind of person you want to be?

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.

World War I: Not necessary to teach - too boring. World War II: Describe how even broads can find a place in society once learning a marketable skill. Catholic Church sexual abuse cases: Never happened. And more!

It is with great sadness that we at JetBlue and American Airlines announce the end of our partnership. This was a very difficult process for us and we want everyone to know that we are parting on loving terms. We have nothing but admiration for each other’s low fares, bonus mile offers, and inflight menu selections. 

The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering...

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!

Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!

Normally, I dip my hot dogs into a big bucket of water so that the buns are thoroughly soaked when I eat them. Today, no buckets. I had to buy a bottle of water. A guy saw me pouring my water out all over my second hot dog and he said “there’s mustard over there, you know.” I don’t know where the dude was from, but literally nobody puts mustard on hot dogs in America. It makes it so much harder to eat. Who has time for that, anyway?

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

Me:  Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode? Other Person:  See it?  I feel like I lived it.  That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm. Me:  You’re lucky.  That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode. 

First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.

I decided the best course of action was to cover the top half of my face with a pink, fuzzy bucket hat. I searched the nearest gutter and found the perfect one. 

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

Pustard, Mice Cream, Key Grime Pie, and more #DisgustingDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!

Crazed ham and cheese, French Dippy, BBQanon Sandwich, and more #PsychoSandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

Bean Town or Mean Town? Tough place to be a fan.

XXX-Men, BoJack-Off Horseman, Screwby Doo, and more #CrudeCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

You’ve Got A Friend (That Could Refer Me At McKinsey, Right?) Originally by James Taylor And more!

ZZ Topless, Crosby, Stills, Nash and Tongue, Twister Fister, and more #EroticRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

No pain, no gain. At least that’s what the sign on the door says. 

Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!

One full week of school which is not cut short due to a holiday closure, early pick up or communicable illness. And more!

Chocolate Drownies, Key Lime Die, Cinnabomb Rolls, and more #DangerousDesserts on this week's trending joke game!

You were born into the misinformation age and are addicted to the internet, but which generation are you at heart? Self-diagnose yourself as a true Gen X, Millennial, or Generation Z by testing your dated pop-culture knowledge and your grasp of online marketing grifts.

You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.  

GOP diversity consultant, Melting wax figure of Tucker Carlson, Busboy at Trump Grill, and more!

You may have noticed that lately every time you have to prove you’re human rather than one of those increasingly sexy spambots, the pictures that you have to identify are either motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts. That’s my fault. I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m having a midlife crisis. 

Uncle Waffles, Cosmo Kramer, Quagmire, and more!

Some of you call us panic salesmen but still demand unfettered access to terror-inducing forecasts in 15-minute increments. All we know is that keeping up with the extreme weather flavor for the week can really mean the difference between life and death in this anthropogenic apocalyptic shitscape.

As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.

Do not seat any fans in rows LGBT or Q.

Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren't using 'good orange' and he looks too 'creamsicle'. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won't answer any questions until he's placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!

Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation

Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it.

Large cities like Chicago dye their river green each year to blend in any vomit spewed by people who’ve been drinking since 10 AM. Every time a drunk man stumbles, a leprechaun gets its wings. Corned beef and cabbage exist only on this holiday. Any leftover corned beef and cabbage will turn into a honey-glazed Easter ham at the stroke of midnight. And more!

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis first rose to fame as a founding member of the Chippendales erotic dance group. But it didn’t really happen. DeSantis never actually thrilled women in any capacity. The above is a classic example of the Mandela Effect. That’s when thousands of people “remember” something that didn’t exist, like Curious George having a tail, or King Henry VIII holding a turkey leg. Are these mass misconceptions a coincidence, or are people tapping into an awareness of an alternate reality? Read on for more examples of this bizarre phenomenon.