A Quick Word From Your Super Chill Non-Confrontational Roommate

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense. 

It Won't Clear Up, The Acne On My Chin Has Unionized

I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but I can’t use those fancy vibrating face cleansers either. The last time I tried, my chin pimples went on strike. They left their positions on my chin and angrily moved to my neck, which was somehow so much worse and weirder looking.

Meme Counter-Programming For Democratic Candidates Who Aren’t Mike Bloomberg

Vote Memes in 2020!

Flies the Democratic Candidates Are Dropping Like

Flies who could have been a great candidate and now everyone kind of regrets ignoring them.

Bachelor #244: There’s Trouble at the Mansion

It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!

Ask Dr. Kit- Special Valentine's Day Lovesick Edition

I woke up during one of our dates, naked and freezing in a bath-tub full of ice! I'm sure that you know this one... yep, my kidney had been removed and stolen! Even more upsetting, she managed to abscond with another of my organs.... my heart!

Nine Quagmires You Can Only Understand If You Are a Teenage Worker Working at Edible Arrangements the Week Prior to Valentine’s Day

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

A Guide to Your Chocolate Sampler Box

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

#StonerDatingApps

Dongs and Bongs, Weed harmony, Stumble, and more #StonerDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

What Excites An Exclamation Point

Accentuate the positive!!!! But don't overdo it.

How Cheers Characters Would Be Voting in 2020

Sam Malone (bartender/owner): Elizabeth Warren, Robin Colcord (industrialist/Grey Poupon enthusiast): Tom Steyer, Lilith Sternin (psychiatrist/professional dom): Amy Klobuchar, and more!

Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be an Abiogenetic Hybrid of Laura Ingalls Wilder and A Can of Pringles 

She’s often tardy because her sister Carrie has fallen into an abandoned mine shaft.  She also has her own mascot, an oval-faced man with a big bushy mustache and a red bow tie she refers to as Julius. 

John Lennon’s Tweets Regarding Last Night’s Fallon Appearance

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

The Latest Batch Of Rejected Ben & Jerry's Flavors

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

Instructions for My Inclusion in the Oscars In Memoriam Section

As indicated in my will, I am open to sponsorship from brands if there's a natural tie in.

Good Evening: I Am Thrilled To Be Performing Long Form Improvisational Comedy For This Audience Of Captivated Decision Makers

Good Evening. Thank you for coming out tonight, and welcome to my one man show and my catastrophe of a Harold Team audition all wrapped in one catastrophic meltdown designed for you and you only, the bored entertainment industry decision makers.

You're a White Lady, Should You Call the Cops?

Before making a huge fool of yourself...embarrassing your family, your friends, and neighbors...check this handy guide!

#StinkySitcoms

'Saved by the Smell', 'Funky Brewster', 'Welcome Back, Farter' and more #StinkySitcoms on this week's joke game!

Who Do We Have to Kidnap to Convince You to Reactivate Your Pinterest Account?

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

You’ve Got an Alert: Shopgirl and NY152 Have Entered The Circle

NARRATOR: We’re here in The Circle! Let’s check in with NY152,…

Opening Statement By The Defense At The Impeachment Trial Of Atreus, King Of Mycenae

In any event, it is undisputed – undisputed – that the hands and feet which gentle Atreus taunted his adulterous brother with were left untouched by the cook’s flame. So it cannot truly be said that he cooked all of Thyestes’ children; only parts of them, at best. That the accusers call this a serious crime is laughable, dear friends.   

Exclusive! Chapter Titles Of John Bolton's Upcoming Book!

Chapter Seven:  Mister Pi-Stash-io: Isn't saying that he's partially responsible for the recent death of Mr. Peanut, but isn't exactly denying it either.

I Am the Scallops in This Diner, and Here Are All the Reasons You Shouldn't Order Me

Olivia Johnson wanted to appear sophisticated to her high school friends she hadn’t seen in years. She turned to the last page of the menu, the page where the misfits of the diner hang out. Crab cakes, Kung Pao chicken, and of course, me. 

#IckyIceCream

Lint Chocolate Chip, Rocky RoadKill, Wookies & Cream and more #IckyIceCream on this weeks joke game!

Welcome to The Lure, A New Coworking Space For Women Who Are Sea Hags

Apply Now: Fill out your application and chart a new course for your life! And while you're here, chart the course of that Caribbean cruise you've been dreaming about. The doomed won't feast upon themselves, ladies!

A Toddler’s Etiquette Tips For Extricating Oneself From Boring Small Talk at a Party

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

Sorry, My Impeachment Testimony Won't Include the Juicy Stuff From My Book, by Smokey the Bear

I’m ready to paint a picture of the inner-workings of the Trump administration for the American people. Speaking of pictures, my book includes over 25 full-color photos. Perhaps one that features Rudy Guliani (in drag for some reason) smoking cigars and recording video birthday cards for the grandmothers of two Ukrainian timber oligarchs? You’ll have to read to find out!

Prince Andrew Re-canned

Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don't steal anything before they leave. And more.

Other Candle Scents GOOP Is Developing

This Smells Like I Remember When You Told Me My Vagina Smelled Great, Brad 

Welcome to the Brand New Makerspace Surgery Center at Your Local Library

Welcome to the new Makerspace Surgery Center!  Not only are we here for the children kicked off Medicaid, but also for the rest of us that are so chronically underinsured that having a DIY surgery center seemed like the best option.  I would also like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Joanne Fabrics. When you need quality surgical dressings, think of Joanne Fabrics!

Italian Dessert Or Communicable Disease

Some have oozy creamy filling, and some are desserts.

We, the Leaders of the Beef Industry, Have Invented Our Own Impossible Burger

While products like the Impossible Burger have received rave reviews for their similarity to meat, we’ve gone a few steps further to ensure our vegan patty is identical to its beef cousin in every imaginable way.

#SexyStateSlogans

'Hawaii: We're All Getting Lei'd!' 'California: Thongs and bongs.' 'Delaware came first', and more #SexyStateSlogans on this week's joke game!

QUIZ: Real Friend or Bachelor Producer?

When you start crying because your boyfriend just dumped you, your friend: A) Comforts you and gives you an obese carton of Ben and Jerry’s banana flavored ice-cream OR B) Locks you in a room for the next five hours and asks extensive questions about how the breakup happened, how it made you feel and whether you think you’ll ever find love again while holding a big camera and videotaping the whole thing.

How to Tell If Your Spouse Has Been Using Your Time Machine Behind Your Back

All right, being off by one or two years is understandable, but once you’re off by decades or centuries, it’s time we sat down and had a serious talk, and it’s also time to change the lock and/or hiding spot for your time machine.

We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos

Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.

NYSE-Style Ticker Symbols For Terrible Business Ideas

YSND: Yes And Industries: An improv comedy-based telecommunications company, Yes And Industries connects people via pretend telephones, with plans on expanding to culinary arts, namely fake onion chopping, in the near future.  

#SnowmanAMovie

Chill Bill, Frosty/Nixon, Scarf Face, Frost in Space and more #SnowmanAMovie on this week's jokes game!

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that 'Cards Against Humanity' is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make...

Hollywood-Written Democratic Primary Call Scripts

Mayor Pete: Oof, wow! Mayor Pete? Why would I want a President who looks like a ventriloquist doll and a serial killer had a baby, am I right?!?

My Petitions

Extend The 'Five-Second Rule' To Food I've Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day, and more.

Six Times People Seemed to Be Leaving Their Tables at the Crowded Coffee Shop, But Were Not

11:00 a.m. A woman put on her Montreal Expos jacket, but she was just cold. On the bright side, neat jacket.

Little Women on Twitter

((Beth March @SewAwesomeBeth)) The ugly truth is: no one cares unless you’re pretty or dying... ((Meg March @RFLoverMeg: Sooo)) does that mean you’re on board for a makeover?

Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests

'Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats', 'Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic', and more!

#MoodyMenuItems

Hater Tots, Scream Beans, & Sweet, Sour, Bitter, Angry Lonely Chicken! It's #MoodyMenuItems on this week's joke game!

Please Don’t Ignore Our Brief Survey About Your Customer Care Experience

Dear Valued Customer: We received your request to opt out of our surveys. No worries! Most of our valued customers ask to opt out, often dozens of times. Rest assured, we’re just as bad at processing opt-outs as we are at refunding your money. Thanks! Your friends on the Customer Care Team

10 New Year’s Resolutions Written For You by Your Jewish Mother

Read a book once in a while. I swear – if Instagram didn’t have captions your generation would be illiterate.  

Obituaries for Your New Years Resolutions

Exercise More, thirty seconds old, passed away of exhaustion from a light run on an elliptical machine at an LA Fitness, when you felt so sore that you decided you never wanted to exercise again or at least until 2021, when this cycle will inevitably repeat.

Unfulfilled New Year's Resolutions (So Far)

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you're wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you've earned it.

What's OUT and What's IN for 2020

OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

Fad Diets To Try In The New Year

The New Paleo Diet: Only eat food you can grab with your short T-Rex arms. Triceratops is recommended.

#RhymeAResolution

'Quit the vape, get in shape', 'I resolve to evolve', 'Try to get more sleep and be less of a creep', and more #RhymeAResolution on this week's joke game!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s New Years Resolutions

You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!

Know What Would Make Times Square Even Better? If It Was Way Too Crowded, It Was Midnight In December, And Ryan Seacrest Was There The Whole Time!

Whenever I make my way out to New York City, I always try to spend at least a few minutes in Times Square. See, while most people simply write off Times Square as being “too touristy” or “claustrophobic” or say that it’s “a garish, over-commercialized nightmare-prison that you should avoid at all costs”... I disagree.

Other Scenes Deleted From The Canadian TV Version of ‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’

After a blurry night of fun with bath salts Kevin McAllister burns down The Plaza Hotel.

Hallmark Hanukkah Movies

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

This End-of-Decade List Kicks Ass!

My end-of-decade list has the decade’s most memorable moments and most influential people and listy type sports things.  But there’s a twist.  A twist in the list.  Does the whole end-of-decade list rhyme?  A rhyming list?  Would you be pissed?  Like William Rehnquist?

What Your Preferred Spelling of the Jewish Festival of Lights Says About You as a Person

Chanukah: Only child. You own the complete works of Philip Roth and Michael Chabon. While the other kids were watching Disney Channel, you and your parents were listening to jazz. The proudest moment of your life was when you were retweeted by Bari Weiss.

Failed Star Wars Merchandising Tie-Ins

Huggies Anakin Skywalker Transition Diapers: For the toddler that doesn't want to be viewed as a crying baby, but still has occasional bouts with the Dark Side.

#ArcadeTheDecade

Space Force Invaders, Sonic the Hedgefund Manager, Amazon Primecraft and more #ArcadeTheDecade on our weekly joke game!

Hallmark's Other Winter Holiday Movies

“Rome is Where the Heart Is” (Saturnalia) – Augustina Septima Flavius is a Roman citizen in the year 122 C.E. who oversees grain taxation in the colonies, but can’t see the coldness in her own heart. That is, until one December when she and her phalanx of publicans invade the small, quaint, tax-evading town of Emotius Acres.

The Story of Chanukah, As Told By a Democratic Moderate

After an intense primary season, they came together to nominate Judah Maccabee. Needless to say, he was a middle-of-the-road, noncontroversial, pragmatic guy, with a peaceful Chanukah message everyone could get behind. 

Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following the sting, it was also reported that animal control services was forced to capture and euthanize nine aggressive reindeer which Kringle had been using as personal transportation to draw his sleigh. One reindeer reportedly suffered from an inflamed nose which allegedly was still glowing for approximately 30 minutes following the euthanasia procedure.

Catholic Church Sends Cease and Desist Letter

It has come to our attention that The Church of Todd has been using characters and stories owned by the Catholic Church during its “Friday Night Kegger Services”. We have not given Todd consent to use Jesus, Mary, crucifixion, misery, guilt, or famine.

10 True Facts About the War on Christmas

In George Orwell’s novel, 1984, the character of Emmanuel Goldstein, the fictional enemy of the state, is loosely based on Elf on the Shelf. 

It’s a Wonderful Life: iPhone Reboot

Black and white? 130 Minutes? Attend the five-minute tale of George Bailey’s very 21st century-style, collusion-filled downfall and redemption, with Siri at his side.

New & Improved Stocking Stuffers For Those On Santa's Naughty List

Small vial of bird flu, Flyer for local club where daughter works as an exotic dancer. Self-published booklet of inspirational sayings by your mom. And more!

A Manly Holiday Gift Guide of Manly Gifts for the Manly Men in Your Life  

A flask with a Mini-Flask Hidden on the Side of It. And more.

Hey America! What Are You Leaving Out for Your Delivery Drivers?

“The ashes of democracy.” Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg

#CatAChristmasCarol

Santa Claws is coming to town, Do They Know It’s Catsmas, God Rest Ye Meowy Gentlemen, and more #CatAChristmasCarol on this week's joke game!

The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

STEP 11 -- America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

Letters To Santa

When Santa writes back it's not always cheery.

Gift Ideas for The Mandalorian Who Has Everything

It's not too late to buy for that hard-to-shop-for person in your life! By Evan Allgood and illustrated by Evan Lian!

Holiday Sacrifice Guide

For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case!

Gift Guide for Everyone in Your Godforsaken Life, Including Karen

Your Ex: Like last year, and the year before that, you drop an unmarked envelope containing your nail clippings under their front door.

Just Like Camping! Dad’s New Apartment Only Has Plastic Silverware

When Dad’s out of Lean Cuisines he lets us order pizza for dinner. And sometimes when we come over after soccer practice we get pizza for lunch. And also we have cold pizza for breakfast. And one time pizza rolls. I love my Dad so much. And pizza.

#RuinAReindeer

Pole Dancer, Vomit Comet, Door Dasher and more ways to #RuinAReindeer on this week's joke game!

What To Expect When You're Expecting Articles Of Impeachment

If you're like most presidents who are expecting articles of impeachment, you're more than likely a bit anxious and apprehensive about the days to come. This is, after all, the scenario that you've spent years preparing yourself for, but thinking would never come.

I Believe I’ve Mistaken This Coat Check for a Goat Check

You’re going to call security? How. Dare. You. You didn’t hear it from me, but Tiny has problems with authority and will start head-butting everyone within a ten foot radius if he gets nervous. Can I straight up bribe you to watch my goats? All I have on me are goat pellets, but I’m sure the bank across the street knows the exchange rate. 

This High School Rock Band Is The Pinnacle Of Our Sad Lives

Our lives will be a pointless cycle of work and stress and sadness that will only cease with the sweet respite of the grave. So let’s pick up these instruments and poorly play our little hearts out until we break up in two months when Hayden gets accepted to Stanford.  

LIST: Weekly Humorist’s Top 10 List Of The Top 10 ‘Top 10 Lists’ Of The 2010’s

Over the past 10 years, we all read thousands of phenomenal Top 10 listicles. Here now is the definitive list of Weekly Humorist’s top 10 picks for the Top 10 ‘Top 10 lists’ of the 2010’s. Please enjoy!

Other New Peloton Products To Improve Every Person In Our Lives

Peloton Noisy Chewing Volume-Lowering Kit, and more!

Questionable Artist Residencies

We here at Chipotle are officially looking for an artist in residence. The program involves your working at Chipotle full time with no pay or benefits, but you have an artist studio to use for up to 15 minutes a day.

#ColdSitcoms

Two Brrrrroke Girls, Freeze Company, Parkas and Recreation and more #ColdSitcoms on this week's joke game!

Don’t Get in a Stranger’s Van, Charlie Brown and 10 Other Rejected Peanuts TV Specials

Has Anyone Seen Charlie Brown’s Bong? Pig Pen Gets…

4 Uses for Your Amazing She Shed That Totally Aren’t Murder

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

PIC QUIP: Give Thanks

Give Thanks, because in an alternate timeline, we are gathering with our loved ones, and eating live pythons. Happy Thanksgiving from Weekly Humorist!

Translating Popular Adjectives Used to Resell Stuff Online

Sturdy: Withstood being hurled at a relative during a Thanksgiving dinner political debate

#ThanksgivingACocktail

Sex On A Feast, Thanks gining, Vodka Giblet and more #ThanksgivingACocktail on this week's joke game!

If Mayor Pete Wants My Vote, He Needs To Dig Way Deeper Into Panic! At The Disco’s Discography Than “High Hopes”

I want the kind of Pete Buttigieg who carries around an old-timey Victorian umbrella and has a single white streak dyed into his hair to show his constituents that he’s edgy as fuck.

Unearthed Time Capsule Reveals Nothing But A Written Explanation By A Procrastinating Time Capsule Committee From 1979

So I know what you’re thinking and yes we did not do our jobs. However, there is a totally reasonable explanation why the capsule is full of nothing but air. On the bright side, that is precious 1979 air! Don’t use it all in one breath. Cherish it! It’s all we’ve got to give. 

This Word-of-the-Day App Chooses Vocabulary Specifically for You!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

A Modern Thanksgiving Choose-Your-Own-Adventure

Against your better judgement, head over to your family's house for Thanksgiving. In order to make a bitter pill slightly easier to swallow, you buy the brand of rolls that you know will irritate your mother. (if so, go to C1)

Alternative Bathroom Options For When Your Selfish Roommate Has Severe Abdominal Pain

Plastic Cup You Left In Your Room – This cup is big enough for one type of going to the bathroom. The second kind of going to the bathroom you’ve tried before and it was messy. So avoid that one if you can.

Auteur Director Failed Pitches for Superhero Films

John Waters - WONDER WOMAN The origin story will remain largely the same, except that Wonder Woman will be played by drag icon Divine. She’s an S&M dominatrix and punishes Nazi’s with her whip and cuffs which are golden Nuvarings.

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College

I imagine if we tried to get intimate these days, you’d get all bristly and say, “So, I suppose you want me to GIVE you an orgasm? You want me to just GIVE you one? Everybody wants a handout!”

Modern Additions To The Kama Sutra 

Mother May I?  (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!

#SexySides

Sinner Rolls, Smash Potatoes, 50 Shades of Gravy, Undressing and more #SexySides on this week's joke game!

Donald Trump's Medical Examination: Five Surprising Findings

Mr. Trump's fondness for the Golden Arches and other fast food chains is well known. What has not been widely reported, however, is that there is an entire, working McDonald's restaurant located deep within  the presidential intestines.

Least Successful TV Spin-Offs 

The Creation Myth (CBS) - Severely misreading what made The Big Bang Theory a hit with audiences, CBS executives tried to replicate that success with a sister series, which followed four pious young priests and one ditzy nun all living together in a crowded seminary. 

The Fantasy Football Team of Gerald Lasseter, Age 14

To show my willingness to cooperate with Dr. Daverol’s delusions of grandeur, I will graciously allow my opponents to begin each football tournament with a roll of Farjali, my personal 12-sided die. Now, would one lacking even the basics of social norms ever consider making such an offer? I think not.

What You Need To Know While Watching The Televised Impeachment Hearings

These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.

Honest New York Signs

Know before you go! An illustration list, written by Evan Allgood, and illustrated by Evan Lian.

#BadOfficeHabits

Smelly lunches, stealing pens, and playing on Twitter, #BadOfficeHabits on this week's joke game!

What Your Pubic Hair Looks Like, According to Your Zodiac Sign

Pisces (February 20-March 20) Most Likely To Shave Their Pubes While Cry-Singing To Lana Del Ray In The Shower- Oh, Pisces. You are so much more than Kleenex’s best customers. You are generous and kind, and artsy to boot.

How to Trick Your Hairdresser into Suggesting Bangs So You Don’t Have to

Bring a 3D visual of your ideal cut: Specifically, bring a mop.

Here's What's Coming To Netflix

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

Other Movies We Should Also Add James Dean Into, Now That This Is Something That We, As A Society, Do Apparently

Well, looks like we’ve opened up Pandora’s box, folks! An upcoming independent film will be digitally adding James Dean into it, further blurring the increasingly-tenuous line between CGI and reality.  However, since this is something that we, as a society, are apparently cool with doing now… here are a few more movies that we should digitally insert James Dean into!

Building on the Success of Our School’s Pajama Day

MMA Day: So today will be your child’s opportunity to get in the cage for up to three five-minute rounds with whomever he or she finds especially annoying. Dress them in shorts today. No shoes. Padded gloves recommended but not required.

#RuinAPie

Leeches and Cream Pie, Crapple pie, Key Lyme and more #RuinAPie on this week's hashtag joke game!

If I Started Talking to My Best Friend the Way I Talk to Myself

Oh, and you look like a corpse when you wear yellow. It’s not “fun” if you’re an ambulating cadaver. Donate your yellow garments, girl.

Moscow Mitch In Soviet America

“In America, women have rights over their wombs. In Soviet America, women have rights as long as they are still in the womb!”

Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and 15 Other Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite Pro Sports Team Names. # 6 Will Make You Want To Stand Up And Start The Wave 

NY Jet Blues, Chicago Bear Sterns , Los Angeles Land O’ Lakers and more!

The Life of an Ellipsis...

..., [...] ..* and more!

Announcing the Ex-Boyfriend Reunion Tour

We've picked the perfect venue for this disastrous occasion: the really cool bar that you introduced all of them to. You know, the one where they now take girls who they're trying to sleep with to "hang out." Not that you still watch their Instagram stories or anything. Please.

Remakes Of 90's Teen Movies For Today's Politics

Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can't Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!

#HorrorHolidayMovies

Brains, Chains & Automobiles, Love, Hackually, It's A Wonderful Knife, and more #HorrorHolidayMovies on our weekly joke game!

Self-Care Tips For Zombies

Stay hydrated! A dehydrated zombie is, well, the same as a hydrated zombie, but it’ll give you something to do between feedings. 

Whimsical, Feel-Good Alternatives to Some Stephen King Classics

Carry: Blanch is not a popular girl. See, Blanch has an imaginary friend she talks to whenever the impulse takes her: a pet rock she calls Carry.

A Gaslight In The Attic: Im-Peach-Mint

There is nothing better than ice cream/ I love every single flavor/ In my eyes are a glint,/ But when Pelosi serves it I scream/ Because it’s not something I’ll savor/ It’s Im-Peach-Mint.

Disturbing Secrets of Other Fast-Food Mascots

Jack from Jack In The Box using black-market stem cells to keep his head looking that way.

Welcome to the "Humpkin Patch," Connecticut's Only 18 And Over Pumpkin Patch

Risqué photo ops? We got ‘em! We know you dirty fall deviants love to stick your head in all kinds of holes. That’s why we’ve painted a series of erotic scenes for you to insert your face into. Do it for the ‘gram! But be warned: The scenes depicted violate several codes of conduct on all major social networks.

Awkward Interactions Explained by a Guy Who's Read Famous Author Malcolm Gladwell's Books Too Much

So it turns out I thought I had hit mute but accidentally did not. My boss says "Gerald are you okay? We can hear you breathing on the line.". I begin to breathe heavier because famous author Malcolm Gladwell talks about the importance of meditation. I really hope famous author Malcolm Gladwell would be proud of me.

#KnockOffMonsters

Pleatherface, The Slob, Chunky and more #KnockOffMonsters on this week's joke game!

Thanks For Selecting Our Airbnb, P.S. It’s Haunted 

Feel free to use both our washer and our dryer, we keep the laundry detergent under the sink. Before inserting your load, take the cowbell off the shelf above the laundry machine and ring it three times. This should scare the poltergeist enough that he vacates the washer. If he’s in the dryer, you’re out of luck – he really likes it there. 

Six Monster Vloggers to Watch This Halloween

Gone are the days when kids will fill a theater to see the beloved ghouls, gremlins and goblins of old. Still, many of our favorite monsters have made an effort to move with the culture, and here is our list of some of the best...

Coming Soon! To That Place in the Strip Mall Where the Halloween Store Used to Be

The Divorced Dad’s Den: Drum Kits, Leatherette Sofabeds, & More!

No Son Of Mine Is Going To Have Premarital Sex In My House. No, He’ll Have It In The Garage… That’s Where The Magic Happens!

I’m sorry, but if (and when) one of my sons breaks the sacred bonds of matrimonial bliss, then he best be doing it in our charming, romantic (and hot-as-hell) garage… because that’s where the magic goes down! 

The Lulling Sounds of Autumn

The pouring of hot cocoa or maybe cider. Are the crickets getting closer?

I Backpacked Across The Globe And Found Paradise And It Is The Open Office

There’s a thrill an office provides that’s unlike any experience available on the road. Chatting about weather with Marge from accounting is really no different than eavesdropping in a Paris cafe.

The Best Goddamned Surprise 30th Birthday Party Ever

Katie, I swear, you must be the village idiot.  I know you would never park your car right in front of a SURPRISE party, now would you? Did you not think Karen wouldn’t recognize your SEXYGRL license plate and wonder what you are doing here?

Don't Separate Church & State! Sexy Religious Texts Conservative Senators Can Send Their Mistresses

Remind your lover that you’re an all around great guy/gal. So great, that you can be shared among many who are blessed with your presence and chemically-brightened smile.

#HauntedHeroes

Rainbow Fright, Indiana Bones, Scooby-Doom and more #Haunted Heroes on our weekly joke game!

When Advertisers Set Their Sites On Beloved Children's Literature Classics

Love You Forever 21, Oil Of Olay Wrinkle Cream In Time, and more!

Greta Thunberg Responds to My Request That She Advocate For My 5 Most Pressing Concerns

This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be reading this. I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. Yet you come to us young people for hope. How dare you! Stop eating the queso. If Chipotle charges that much extra for it – toss a slice of cheese in the microwave, or better, cook that cheddar over an open flame. 

Questions that I, an American, have about the British “WAGatha Christie” Scandal

Q. Wait, what is this? Ooh, is it a mystery solved by a clever Golden Retriever? A. Unfortunately, it is not (wouldn’t that be great, though? Are there any dog-detective shows out there? Netflix? Hulu? Anyone?). This scandal involves two women who bang English football stars for a living, and thus are also social media, uh, “stars.” WAG stands for “Wives and Girlfriends”; you can do the math on the rest.

Canadians To Stop Making Penises And Six Other Headlines I Read Too Fast And What They Really Said

READ: Cosmetologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics  WAS: Cosmologist wins a Nobel Prize in Physics

Other Presidential Conspiracy Theories

Abraham Lincoln secretly discovered the internet in 1863, but fearing the negative consequences it could have on society, he only used it for porn.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show Lineup: Even These Terrible People Deserve Kindness!

Nothing is more important than treating everyone with kindness and respect. It doesn't matter whether you're a war criminal or a rapist, if you're friends with a billionaire, you're friends with me.

#CreepyCandies

Reese's Body Pieces, BloodGushers, Rosemary's Baby Ruth and more #CreepyCandies in this week's joke game!

Heroic Cover-Up Stories for Embarrassing Injuries

So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.

If You’ve Been Accused of Exploiting Women, Then Call the Law Firm That Represented James Franco Now

How do we do it? Here at the law firm that represented James Franco, we leverage systemic societal and legal injustices that favor wealthy men in power so that YOU TOO can get away with exploiting women for little or no consequence!

Bathroom Remodeling Secrets

  There’s no such thing as a dream bathroom, just…

How An Avid Birder Describes A 0-0 Football Game Scoreboard

On one side of the scoreboard, an ostrich’s egg. On the other, a hummingbird’s egg. Thanks for inviting me to the tailgate, by the way. It’s great to meet my new neighbors.