Dog harness, Privacy screens, and more uses for all those unused bras.

Screw that! You’re not special, just because you flap your wings up to 80 times per second and have a heart rate that reaches 1,260 beats per minute. Big whoop! I have a heart too you know, and while it might not beat as fast as yours does, it can still break when its birdwatching needs go unfulfilled.

Clothes make the man, and that sure doesn't have to stop just because the world has! Posting some of my favorite outfits I’ve been wearing during the quarantine. Check the links to shop the looks!

If you’ve ever wanted to work in your pjs, set your own hours, and be the proud owner of your own business, I’d love to talk with you about becoming a stay-at-home mom. The hours are grueling and the opportunities to work literally never end...

The Great Gatsby Regrets Having That Party Because Now He Has to Disinfect His Whole Damn House

Planes, Trains and Autoimmune Disorders Preventing the Enjoyment of Regular Breads and Cakes

Took out a policy on my husband. Quick and easy. They never needed to even meet him; they let me gather the signatures on my own. Didn’t ask why the accidental death premium was so high. Their discretion was greatly appreciated.

Let those quaran-crushes know how you feel!

Oh No, I Apri-cut Your Nuts! Created to specifically address the surprising rise of violence in the Edible Arrangements community, this bevvy of dried apricots and rich cashews are sure to say “I’m sorry I cut off your testicles. Let’s still be friends.”

A Funnel: When time is of the essence and decency is not.

This is my fault. I should have ended class the moment AssOlympics began monologuing about how Mrs. Ramsay a “Christ-like” protagonist.

Tom Brady just started reading "Where the Crawdads Sing." Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani just ran out of hazelnut coffee creamer. And more!

Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.

WHAT AM I, A DOCTOR—OR A MOON SHUTTLE CONDUCTOR?!

It’s an outrage that healthcare providers don’t have access to critical medical supplies, like masks with Bluetooth capability. Docs are treating sick people every day, but what about sick beats? See if we can spin up a model that can RickRoll patients when things get too heavy.

I will not and shall not be tainted by Comic Sans. It’s Arial. All-day, every day. If I am feeling saucy, then perhaps Helvetica. SOMETIMES ALL CAPS. If I am really trying to get a point across, those words will be colored. What color? •Butterscotch.

We've skated by on our good looks and luck for too long, and now that we have a problem with our water fountains only dispensing Dr. Pepper, we can't afford to take a risk. This is why the college has decided to hire a ragtag group of academic thieves to help us pass Middle States. 

The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.

Master Baking, Morning Wood Working and Crotchet and more #hornyhobbies in our trending joke game!

You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!

*4 out of 5 stars* Great selection, pleasant atmosphere, and knowledgeable waitstaff. My one complaint: They really need to streamline the payment process. It was unclear to me whether I needed to pay with a card, pay with cash, or whether I had already paid hours ago and the staff was glaring at me, waiting for me to leave. - Daniel M.

Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.

If she appears bored or lonesome, turn on 'Vanderpump Rules'. It reminds her that she hates society.

Q: How can I protect myself? A: Sorry, you can’t. The universe is a totally random place.  How else can we possibly understand the popularity of 'Dancing With The Stars'?

Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.

* “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” - Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet * Now streaming on Netflix: A Rose As Sweet! One bachelor will date twenty women named Rose. The twist: he can’t see them or talk to them. He must decide which Rose to marry -- only by smelling them.

Mystery novelists (both big city and small town), Single women who recently inherited a business from a dead Aunt (most likely a bakery),  Sassy New Jersey bounty hunters, and more!

The Punisher: Rather than the typical gang-members, killers and other assorted criminals, The Punisher has taken to targeting people who don't cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing.

Cherry Pieden, Butter Emails, Bundtigieg Cake, and more #DemocratDesserts on this week's joke game!

“I see we have an opening for an Associate Marketing Manager in Kentucky,” Rodney said, flipping through a Rolodex. “Fine,” Susan said, rapping her nails on the table. “Next soul.”

Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person's cardboard-box.

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

Hey. So me and the donkey have been talking. And we want you to move out, since you don’t pay rent or anything. The donkey is gonna get my room, and I'm gonna sleep on the back porch. The donkey is also gonna get your room, since it needs an office. It works from home so it makes sense. 

Flies who could have been a great candidate and now everyone kind of regrets ignoring them.

6)  You instinctively dip your hand into the vat of hot milk chocolate to retrieve the AirPod and you burn your fingers.

Accentuate the positive!!!! But don't overdo it.

The cancellation of celebs knows no bounds.

Good Evening. Thank you for coming out tonight, and welcome to my one man show and my catastrophe of a Harold Team audition all wrapped in one catastrophic meltdown designed for you and you only, the bored entertainment industry decision makers.

Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.

Chapter Seven:  Mister Pi-Stash-io: Isn't saying that he's partially responsible for the recent death of Mr. Peanut, but isn't exactly denying it either.

Apply Now: Fill out your application and chart a new course for your life! And while you're here, chart the course of that Caribbean cruise you've been dreaming about. The doomed won't feast upon themselves, ladies!

Practicing being stabbed repeatedly in the event that he has to protect Prince Charles in a bar fight, Keeping an eye on Harry and Megan to ensure that they don't steal anything before they leave. And more.

Some have oozy creamy filling, and some are desserts.

When you start crying because your boyfriend just dumped you, your friend: A) Comforts you and gives you an obese carton of Ben and Jerry’s banana flavored ice-cream OR B) Locks you in a room for the next five hours and asks extensive questions about how the breakup happened, how it made you feel and whether you think you’ll ever find love again while holding a big camera and videotaping the whole thing.

YSND: Yes And Industries: An improv comedy-based telecommunications company, Yes And Industries connects people via pretend telephones, with plans on expanding to culinary arts, namely fake onion chopping, in the near future.  

Mayor Pete: Oof, wow! Mayor Pete? Why would I want a President who looks like a ventriloquist doll and a serial killer had a baby, am I right?!?

((Beth March @SewAwesomeBeth)) The ugly truth is: no one cares unless you’re pretty or dying... ((Meg March @RFLoverMeg: Sooo)) does that mean you’re on board for a makeover?

Dear Valued Customer: We received your request to opt out of our surveys. No worries! Most of our valued customers ask to opt out, often dozens of times. Rest assured, we’re just as bad at processing opt-outs as we are at refunding your money. Thanks! Your friends on the Customer Care Team