Agnes, 72 -- “He crawled on top of the piano trying to be sexy while holding back tears. The guy dressed as Pinocchio started singing and playing a made up song called “Piano-cchio Man” by pecking each key with his long nose. It was a clever play on words but a really long way to go for it.

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.  *Resident behind him* He doesn't even work here.

Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

HOMEWARD BOUND: The SEAVER FAMILY’s three cats, CHANCE, SHADOW and SASSY, are abandoned at a ranch by mistake. Faced with making an inspiring, cross-country journey back to their loving owners, the three cats immediately give up and decide to become the property of whoever will feed them first. The Seaver family never see their pets again.

In the mid-2000s, when college sketch group videos were suddenly all over the place, Derrick Comedy easily made the best ones. Derrick was a five-person operation originally out of New York University best known for their 2009 cult classic feature Mystery Team, but they also made “Thomas Jefferson,” which is, fun fact, the greatest comedy sketch of all time. Really. 

Amy Klobuchar – Amy is smart, strong, and a real contender, which is why I look forward to our dance-off. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have the wiry energy of a coked-up greyhound and I will END her. 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but I can’t use those fancy vibrating face cleansers either. The last time I tried, my chin pimples went on strike. They left their positions on my chin and angrily moved to my neck, which was somehow so much worse and weirder looking.

It was incredible getting to know Cassie E’s family, as well as Cassie C’s and Cassidy’s. Although I didn’t get a blessing from any of the fathers, they definitely know how I feel about their daughters. Plus, I learned how to Skee-Ball!

Cherry Cordial: Simple and sweet. Like the beginning of a relationship, before it’s clear that your partner is incapable of remembering your Wheaten terrier’s birthday. And more!

Sam Malone (bartender/owner): Elizabeth Warren, Robin Colcord (industrialist/Grey Poupon enthusiast): Tom Steyer, Lilith Sternin (psychiatrist/professional dom): Amy Klobuchar, and more!

Dutch Oven-Baked Cookies, Another Fine Meth Crystal Crunch, Autoerotic As-TWIX-iation and more.

Before making a huge fool of yourself...embarrassing your family, your friends, and neighbors...check this handy guide!

NARRATOR: We’re here in The Circle! Let’s check in with NY152,…

Olivia Johnson wanted to appear sophisticated to her high school friends she hadn’t seen in years. She turned to the last page of the menu, the page where the misfits of the diner hang out. Crab cakes, Kung Pao chicken, and of course, me. 

Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it. 

This Smells Like I Remember When You Told Me My Vagina Smelled Great, Brad 

While products like the Impossible Burger have received rave reviews for their similarity to meat, we’ve gone a few steps further to ensure our vegan patty is identical to its beef cousin in every imaginable way.

All right, being off by one or two years is understandable, but once you’re off by decades or centuries, it’s time we sat down and had a serious talk, and it’s also time to change the lock and/or hiding spot for your time machine.

Chill Bill, Frosty/Nixon, Scarf Face, Frost in Space and more #SnowmanAMovie on this week's jokes game!

Extend The 'Five-Second Rule' To Food I've Dropped On The Floor To The End Of The Current Business Day, and more.

'Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats', 'Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic', and more!

Read a book once in a while. I swear – if Instagram didn’t have captions your generation would be illiterate.  

OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!

Menorah or Less: Investment banker Ilan loses his money, his apartment, and his girlfriend when his firm goes under. He takes a job at a meal-delivery service where a late-night order for a pastrami sandwich leads him to Hannah who needs help saving her startup.

Huggies Anakin Skywalker Transition Diapers: For the toddler that doesn't want to be viewed as a crying baby, but still has occasional bouts with the Dark Side.

After an intense primary season, they came together to nominate Judah Maccabee. Needless to say, he was a middle-of-the-road, noncontroversial, pragmatic guy, with a peaceful Chanukah message everyone could get behind. 

In George Orwell’s novel, 1984, the character of Emmanuel Goldstein, the fictional enemy of the state, is loosely based on Elf on the Shelf. 

A flask with a Mini-Flask Hidden on the Side of It. And more.

STEP 11 -- America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case!

Pole Dancer, Vomit Comet, Door Dasher and more ways to #RuinAReindeer on this week's joke game!

Our lives will be a pointless cycle of work and stress and sadness that will only cease with the sweet respite of the grave. So let’s pick up these instruments and poorly play our little hearts out until we break up in two months when Hayden gets accepted to Stanford.  

We here at Chipotle are officially looking for an artist in residence. The program involves your working at Chipotle full time with no pay or benefits, but you have an artist studio to use for up to 15 minutes a day.

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

Sex On A Feast, Thanks gining, Vodka Giblet and more #ThanksgivingACocktail on this week's joke game!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

John Waters - WONDER WOMAN The origin story will remain largely the same, except that Wonder Woman will be played by drag icon Divine. She’s an S&M dominatrix and punishes Nazi’s with her whip and cuffs which are golden Nuvarings.

Sinner Rolls, Smash Potatoes, 50 Shades of Gravy, Undressing and more #SexySides on this week's joke game!

To show my willingness to cooperate with Dr. Daverol’s delusions of grandeur, I will graciously allow my opponents to begin each football tournament with a roll of Farjali, my personal 12-sided die. Now, would one lacking even the basics of social norms ever consider making such an offer? I think not.

Smelly lunches, stealing pens, and playing on Twitter, #BadOfficeHabits on this week's joke game!

M Night Shyamalan Half-Asses It For A Quick Paycheck, Drunken Christmas Light Installation with Henry Winkler, Serial Killers In Cars Drinking Coffee and more!

Leeches and Cream Pie, Crapple pie, Key Lyme and more #RuinAPie on this week's hashtag joke game!