Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don't say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.

When my son is middle aged, will his long record of sexual violence in high school and college come to light, momentarily jeopardizing his seat on the Supreme Court? The indignity!

{ Official Transcript of provided Brett Kavanaugh 1982 Calendar } July 10 – “Visit Yale, Remember Visine.” July 21 - "Hypothetical Plans" July 22 – “Buy gag dick” – (X’d out)

“No! In fact, we’re going to frame you for murder!” / "I saw a wheelchair knocked over on it’s side… with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle. But probably not.' and more.

Let's play #PassiveAggressiveHeadlines with @HashtagRoundup powered by @TheHashtagGame #WittyWednesday

Yeah. Sure. We’ve all heard the jokes by now: the character Toad has a weird, bulbous head. Har har har. Now can we get our minds out of the gutter and start talking about actual issues, people?

The next twenty-five minutes consists of President Trump going into great detail about what the Space Force line of toys needs to be. Action figures, shuttles, rockets, even a home base control room. Of course, the showcase of the toys is a super fit Donald Trump action figure in a glittering stars and stripes Mylar jumpsuit. The little guy is surprisingly pulling off those knee-high boots.

Future problems: Nuclear war, A.I. domination, Emboldened gangs of cockroaches. Same issues: Finding a man for that quirky but lovable single lady!

Just by adding “Oy Vey” to a ‘Rolling Stone’ lyric, the band sounds their actual age...

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

I'm sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don't have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons. Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag. Eat that banana.

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

Being enrolled in these #CrappyCollegeCourses might be the only…

And every day, the residents of this small town take a regimented break at noon to head to their local polling place and vote for Donald Trump, a man who is already president...

These #FakeSummerStories are truly unbelievable! Here are some…

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.

1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7.…

Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

1. Best Live Action Feature with Talking Infants or Animals   2.…

MILAN, Italy -- Internationally known and respected men's clothing…

Brett Hart of Darkness vs. Sgt. Slaughter House Five Rowdy…

Ghostbusters, Oceans 8, and the coming-soon remakes of timeless stories like 'What a Woman Wants' have shown us that women have very low standards for what is considered a feminist “win” for Hollywood. So here are my pitches for the next ballbuster blockbuster...

If you’ve already completed Drake’s challenge, which involves…

Before we start, I just want to note how disappointed I am in…

Features: Bunk Buddies! — Gain the confidence of being…

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah! August…

Pharaoh of The Exodus   When I enslaved the Israelites…

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

As the 89th annual Midsummer Classic is upon us, it’s that time again when baseball sizes up how to improve public perception and sales after the All-Star break, or really, the old-age question; “How do we draw more of today’s youth to the sport to fill more seats?”

My Wifi Network Name:  Turn Down Your TV Seriously…

In honor of all of the happy celebrity engagements that have…

1.    Envy 2.   Gluttony 3.   Sneezy 4.   Greed 5.…

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, it's gross.

They always try to get you with those trick questions.

This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you've read today.

But actually, how are any of these people employed?

Flint Still Doesn’t Have Clean Water -arita (@MattHarbert) Dark…

“Life, uh, finds a way. For the fifth time, apparently.” “I…

In 1962, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera pitched a primetime…

It’s getting hot out, which means it's time to take to the…

The Reflux Hungry Like the Wolf, After Fasting for 24…

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and…

In the palace square, when I walked a little too close to a few…

Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!" "Hey, what's with…

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…