“Why are some of the cats wearing fur coats?” repeated Igor. “If they’re cats, why do they need clothing? And if the coats are made of fur, then what are they using to make the coats? More cats?

Hearse-Back Riding, Catfishing, Anal Beading and more #FailedCampActivities!

1993. My mother tells all of our relatives that I’m “very into dinosaurs now.” I ask the elementary school guidance counselor to advise me on how to become a Chaotician. She tells me that this is not a real career, which in retrospect feels like a microaggression.

Keep you eyes peeled for the pigeon and the hairpiece! Go balls!

I feel so alone right now. The rest of you are just going ahead and working like there's no problem, like one of your coworkers isn't totally without internet. You really find out who your friends are when your internet's down. I feel like a wounded buffalo that the herd is moving away from so I don't weaken the group.

It’s just what the doctor ordered: craft cocaine is all physiological benefits, no calories. Coffee has 1 calorie if you drink it black, but everyone knows you don't drink it black, you fat f'ing narc.

Marx Brother: Your family is known for its vaudeville comedy acts. Mark’s Brother: Your family is known for not taking down their Christmas lights.

Ambien 5mg: So it shall be that we would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. Unto which the Lord replied "OMG, can’t I get 5 goddamned minutes to myself?! Daddy is TIRED.”

Most Likely to Impede, Reddest Eyes On Monday Morning, Brownest Nose and more #OfficeSuperlatives!

Whisper “Siri please” into the rigid husk in your palm.

First, you must be willing to undergo the ritualistic Cave Beating Of Friends where we spelunk you into a cave and beat you with sticks until you can successfully name all six primary characters from the cast of Friends and the actors who played them.

GPS watch: You used to turn to your dad for direction, but soon realized that all his advice was taken verbatim from a book he keeps in the bathroom called, “God Made Me Do It.”

On her birthday, September 20th: Wishing the happiest of birthdays to my soulmate, my partner in crime, the peanut butter to my petroleum jelly (inside joke, lol), the light of my life, Tiffany. Tiff, I know you've had a tough year but I’ve witnessed firsthand how much stronger you are for it. You are such a badass. We are going to stay out until the sun comes up on your second day as a flirty, dirty thirty-year old! I hope you stocked up on your Red Bull, because I am ready to celebrate YOU and only YOU all night! On her birthday, 11:58 PM: My Uber is here, tell her I said bye.

Twins, and heirs to their family’s designer jean fortune, Bianca and Taylor are attending USC this fall on a full field hockey scholarship. The only problem? They don’t play field hockey. Now their mom is being indicted on charges of fraud and extortion.

Bruce, I'm so sorry that its come to this, but we're going to have you committed to Arkham Asylum...

I’ll just stand here, a few feet from your table, not-so-subtly pressuring you to get up so I can finally sit down with my tray. My spicy chicken sandwich grows cold; my strawberry shake begins to melt.

So you’ll be relieved to learn that my Instagram thievery is simply a side-hustle to my main gig as a full-on Jeremy Renner-in-The Town bank robber.

Of Mice and Muenster, Pride and Provolone, East of Edam, and more #CheesyLiterature!

Honor our fallen soldiers by eating mayonnaise-based “salads” that have been sitting in the sun all day. And more.

TINA, GREY SQUIRREL: They wouldn't be bothering with this ban if they knew how close they are to extinction.

“But what if it starts on a boat, but then the protagonist ends up on an island?” you may ask. To which I respond, “Didn’t I cover that with Defoe? You’re thinking of H.G. Wells, aren’t you, you obstinate monster? Or Charles Dickens’ seldom-discussed shipwrecked narratives, I bet, you contrarian beast? Did I stutter? No. Boats.”

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Tired of being "othered," Marvin the Martian becomes politically active. A technologist at heart, he is initially attracted to the libertarian party, but quickly realizes that none of their policies are effective in the real world. Instead, he joins the Democratic Socialists of America.

Think of this project like a pregnancy, where the girl does most of the work, but the guy swoops in at the end to get half the credit.

Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.

Barr Walks Into A Bar and the bartender says, "What can I get for you, buddy?".   Barr replies, "It's been a rough week.   Better make it something stiff."   The bartender then says, "Stiffer than the penalty for contempt of court?"

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.

The Big Bang Theon, Castle Black-ish, Saved By Tyrell and more.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg doesn't protect the constitution, because it would be ridiculous to forget the whole point of the constitution is to protect people.

Prime Crime Time with Ryan Blime is the show I’ve dreamed of making ever since I legally changed my last name for the title. But I couldn't find a true crime story riveting enough...

Ding ding ding, EXCUSE ME, why are we carb loading first thing in the morning? Where them hard boiled eggs at you promised to eat?

Gin Blossoms, Black Out Susans, Drunk Off My Aster and more #DrunkFlowers

We can work on Your feelings towards the Romans another time. Have You tried listening to that podcast I recommended about letting go of the past?

Gefilte fish in a box: Nobody wants this, yet here we are.

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Claim any homeownership tax breaks you qualify for: Ha ha ha ha. Just kidding. Owning a home, can you imagine?! Realize you’re $300 short on rent. Sell your plasma.

Depreciation on Droids, Quidditch Gambling Debts, Parallel Dimension Deductions and more in our weekly hashtag game!

Which brings us to our last stop, the gatehouse and moat. Seriously, sir, why are your pants off. Sir! SIR! I don’t care if you read that medieval people skinny dipped in the moat, we’re not doing it now. This is the twenty first century.

King Brett Brett: The 20-month old king who loves horsies, cuddles, and cruel and unusual executions.

Health Inspector Gadget, Charlie Frown, Muppet Scabies and more #SadCartoons

S. 12 Ep. 004: "Night Maris" Niles realizes that he was never truly married and that Maris was a construct of his imagination to cope with the childhood trauma of losing his pet gerbil (also named Maris). Eddie, the dog gets a girlfriend after an art dealer with a dachshund moves into Frasier's building.

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

Eggs Bennington, Hashbrown University, John IHOPkins University, and more #BreakfastACollege!

Biden, Butler, Babybel and more.

I got a cute face, chubby waist. Thick legs, in shape. / For a similar reason, when game is in season, he is found, not at Fox’s, but Blimpy’s. And more.

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

The beach trip to the Rockaways that ended after I texted everyone, “I think it’s going to rain, maybe we should ‘rain check’ hahahaha.” It didn’t rain, but the pun worked well.