Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On

Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?

To Whoever Finds This Note

I'm sorry that it had to be you, but if you are reading it means that your life is in danger and you don't have much time. On the table in the dining room, you will find a loaded bazooka next to a flak jacket and an arsenal of automatic assault weapons. Next to those, you will find the banana in a brown paper bag. Eat that banana.

Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections

Orange traffic cone, Box set of Ted Nugent CDs and more.

What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh's haircut reminds him of Judge Judy's...and more.

This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato…

REVIEW: Foodies Finally Find Ultimate Comfort Food In ‘School Cafeteria’

After the health food craze of the '80s gave way to the comfort…

#CrappyCollegeCourses

Being enrolled in these #CrappyCollegeCourses might be the only…

The People On This Subway Car Ranked By Deliciousness Should It Come To That

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New Requirements For Voter Registration Under The Trump Administration

Birth Certificate showing proof of birth in the US. If not born in the US, must be hot European model...

The New York Times Visits the Town That Votes for Donald Trump Again Every Day

And every day, the residents of this small town take a regimented break at noon to head to their local polling place and vote for Donald Trump, a man who is already president...

Reasons It's Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze

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A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

#FakeSummerStories

These #FakeSummerStories are truly unbelievable! Here are some…

Your List Of Junior College Back To School Supplies

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Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…

Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

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I'm a Risk Taker

Oh, you don’t believe me? Well, I’ll prove it to you.

Paul Manafort's To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.

NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band

1. ABAB 2. AAC 3. AHO 4. ABBA 5. AA BB 6. AVHA 7.…

So, a Character in a Thing You Like Has Been Cast, With a Non-Straight White Male and You Are Angry. A Next Step Guide.

Resist the urge to make a "White Luke Cage" argument. Do…

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This week we were bored to death by your #BoringCampFireStories!…

4 Sex Positions Where You Can Secretly Watch a Steve Harvey Hosted Show

Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel,…

So, What Exactly Do You Have To Do To Get Your Security Clearance Revoked By Trump?

Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR ("Lots of…

A Dozen New Oscars So That Your Favorite Wins Something

1. Best Live Action Feature with Talking Infants or Animals   2.…

Now Available In The App Store!

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Literary Tropes That We, the Artificial Intelligence-run Publishing House of the Future, Are No Longer Interested In

Romance novels in which a doomed love affair ends with both sentient…

Short Sleeve Suits All The Rage In L.A.

MILAN, Italy -- Internationally known and respected men's clothing…

The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent

Since 1871, the NRA has been the backbone of conservative values…

Trump Tweets: Bigly Badding Do-Gooders

 

Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors and 7 Other Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition

Brett Hart of Darkness vs. Sgt. Slaughter House Five Rowdy…

20 Hairstyles for Fox News Personalities

Bad Ombré The Extreme Bias Cut Sleek, With Side-Swept…

#BadWaysToCoolOff

We beat the heat this week with #BadWaysToCoolOff! Here are some…

Classic Male Movies Remade as “Feminist” Flicks

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The Stars of the 2016 Election: Where Are They Now?

If you remember back to what seems like 10 years ago, there were…

Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials

Bible: Let he who is without sin podcast throwing the first stone Shakespeare’s…

Pop Music Challenges To Try After Drake’s KiKi Challenge

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#OfficeLifeMantra

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If The Rules of Fight Club Were Repurposed for Book Club

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media: “The President clearly meant you need id to buy groceries”

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Other Recent Changes To Your MoviePass Account

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Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results

IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to…

Fun Summer Activities at U.S. Immigration Camp Internment!

Features: Bunk Buddies! — Gain the confidence of being…

Quiz: Ernest Hemingway or “Florida Man”?

Tied a weather balloon to his gun to make his suicide look…

A Taste of Honeypot: One Senator’s Night with Maria Butina

So then, she says she’d like to discuss national reciprocity…

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions

Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…

#WimpyActionMovies

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You incredible folks tweeted #WimpyActionMovies to the #5 trending…

Biggest Scoops And Spoilers From 2018 Comic-Con International: San Diego

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Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah!

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The Soul Child, the Poet, and the Bedford-Stuyvesant Y

He placed his hands on my hips in what our instructor, Diego,…

Half-Assed Apologies From Historic Leaders For Egregious Crimes Against Humanity

Pharaoh of The Exodus   When I enslaved the Israelites…

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

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White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things

Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts Favorite Tongue Twister:…

Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.

When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids…

‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President

George Washington: I can tell a lie.  Cherry tree? What cherry…

Baseball’s State-of-the-Union

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Epic Gender Reveal Party Theme Ideas for Men

Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football…

Regional Variations on S’mores

There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores.…

A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names

My Wifi Network Name:  Turn Down Your TV Seriously…

A Prepared Statement for Fighting My Speeding Ticket

Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of traffic court, I am here…

Other Times Meghan Markle Has Broken Royal Protocol

Meghan Markle has caused a stir by breaking royal protocol…

#KnockOffCelebrities

In honor of all of the happy celebrity engagements that have…

Rejected Trump Balloon Concepts (after settling on the fat Trump baby)

Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon. Trump…

Man Allergic To Clothing Gets Permission To Come To Work Nude

PENSACOLA, Florida – Jack Navish had worn clothing all his…

Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf

1.    Envy 2.   Gluttony 3.   Sneezy 4.   Greed 5.…

Affirmations To Reduce Worry When The News Media Stops Covering #Kidgate 2018

By the time you read this, we will still be in a highly polarized,…

#SexyPicnicFoods

To celebrate America's sexiest holiday, the 4th of July, we asked…

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns

The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

Michael Cohen’s Legal Flashcards

Questions to look up beforehand (see Yahoo Answers?):   Larceny Bribery…

How To Monetize Your Kitten

Now that you brought home your new cat, it’s time to take this…

Rough Start to Summer: A Lifeguard Has Ordered the Ocean Drained After a Whale Pooped In It

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, it's gross.

Surgeon General Encourages Thumb-Sucking for Politicians

Thumb sucking - it's the next logical step.

Are You There, Cthulhu? It’s Me, Margaret.

If only we had this kind of content during our vulnerable years - maybe it wold have all turned out differently.

An Asylum Seeking Migrant Answers Tricky Office Job Interview Questions

They always try to get you with those trick questions.

Morning Meditation for Flat Earthers

If the Earth is round, then how does the water stay?

Rejected Summer Camp Activities

Summer camp is the place for a lot of things: S'mores, Candle Making, Friendship, Etc. But thankfully camp is not the place for any of THESE things.

President Trump’s Definitive Shortlist Of Supreme Court Justice Picks

This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you've read today.

VIDEO: Drama at the Office

How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx

Well, that didn't play out quite like we thought it would.

#PerformanceReviewIn5words

But actually, how are any of these people employed?

Rainbow Trout and 13 Other LGBTQ Friendly Things Hungarian Right Wingers Might Want to Ban Along with The Musical Billy Elliot

You really just have to get rid of all of it or people might actually start being themselves.

More Trump Poems

Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.

Rejected Happy Hour Specialty Cocktails

Flint Still Doesn’t Have Clean Water -arita (@MattHarbert) Dark…

Football Moves That Can Also Be Used To Reject People Hitting On You In Bars

You’re probably aware of the game they call football.  But…

Ex-Barber Builds Home Out Of Human Hair

SVENSPOT, Sweden -- Most people work all their lives to be able…

Lines I Imagine Jeff Goldblum Saying In "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom"

“Life, uh, finds a way. For the fifth time, apparently.” “I…

A Letter From Space Force Training

Hi Mom. Thanks for the note. I miss you too.   Things…

Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’

So, your female bestie’s ‘In The Pen Pal’ beau has proposed…

11 Things You Never Knew About “The Jetsons”

In 1962, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera pitched a primetime…

More Offensive Jackets Worn By Melania

Many were shocked and appalled by the First Lady’s lack of…

“Alexa, Self-Destruct” And Other Ways To Delete What Alexa Records You Saying

With the recent news that Amazon’s Alexa device saves recordings…

#DrunkWaterSports

It’s getting hot out, which means it's time to take to the…

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons

Seating $50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment. $150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

It’s Not the Holocaust Tho

ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t…

Revised Duran Duran Titles for Generation X-ers Heading into Their Fifties

The Reflux Hungry Like the Wolf, After Fasting for 24…

Dad Jokes: Just the Punchlines

I don’t know, CAN you assume I don’t want to be resuscitated? and more punchlines from Dad Jokes.

James Joyce Writes Taglines for Famous Movies

The 40-Year-Old Virgin Frolick too late, no joy. The…

The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and…

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association

Dear New Resident,   Greetings and welcome to the…

Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt

The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the…

A Sampling of the Times I Said “I’m Sorry” on My European Tour of Self Discovery

In the palace square, when I walked a little too close to a few…

#SadAmusementParkRides

It's summertime, which means the season for sweating in amusement…

Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities

During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled…

International House of Pancakes, Iconic Breakfast Restaurant, Dead at 60

Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries

Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

Overheard At The G7 Summit...

"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!" "Hey, what's with…

College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius

FRANKFORT, Kentucky -- Most 10 month old babies are still pre-occupied…

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions

Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:   What seems initially to…

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock

1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About…

For MTV’s ‘Real World’ There’s No Place Like Nome

MTV’s ‘Real World’ announced its latest destination - Nome,…

What Your Favorite Writer Says About You

Find out what your taste in authors says about you as a person. And yes, this is definitive.

#BadSummerBooks

We're putting together a summer reading list so we can go on…

My Internet History Is Crazier Than Yours

My internet history is the craziest out of anyone. Seriously,…

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

Governor’s Ball presents a new VIP experience: The Velveeta Cheese Chain Smoking Tent brought to you by Crocs Shoes

In case there wasn’t enough glitter and Woodstock nostalgia…

11’ Tall Basketball Player Found In Namibia Running With Giraffes

INDIANAPOLIS – At 7’7”, Manute Bol never thought he’d…

Things You Say to a Dead Loved One OR Your Kid When They’re at Sleep Away Camp for the First Time

We miss you terribly. Are you making…

Margaritaville, Inc.’s Annual Report, By Jimmy Buffett

Mahalo shareholders, stakeholders and loyal Parrotheads. Margaritaville,…

#SadSummerInternTasks

It's interning season and we asked you for your best #SadSummerInternTasks,…

Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist

“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It…

Products Affected By China's New Tariffs

Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers George Foreman's At-Home…

Quiz: Actual Ambien Side Effect or Roseanne Ambien Side Effect

1. Clumsiness or Unsteadiness 2 Confusion 3 Depression 4 Difficulty…

Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs

Roseanne has blamed her racist Tweet on the drug Ambien, which…

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed

Aries Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…

Man Stretches Out In Gym – Against His Will

CHARLESTON, West Virginia -- Ralph Swane went to his gym expecting…

Great Pacific Garbage Patch Timeshare Opportunities

Now that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is growing to a size two…

#BadBBQRubs

We got geared up for the summer season and asked you for your…

Answers to the Questions Bob Dylan Poses in 'Blowin' in the Wind'

Q: "How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a…

Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By...

Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry …

Most Affordable Memorial Day Weekend Getaways

Everyone you know is going somewhere this weekend. So if you're…

Basic Cable, I have some questions.

After 19 months of winter, under self-imposed house arrest, it’s…

How to Get More Sleep

Keep In Sync With Your Body’s Sleep Cycle We know maintaining…

How to Keep Your House Cool This Summer

It’s almost summer, so you know what that means: Things are…

The NFL All New National Anthem Policy

The NFL announced a new national anthem policy today:   Players…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise

We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

Favorite Sites On The Dark Web

Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web...

9 Things That Are Definitely More Responsible For School Shootings Than Guns

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances…

Trump Finally Saw Avengers: Infinity War

Looks like Trump finally saw Infinity War and he's got some tweets for his new most admirable and very best new friend Thanos.

Overhead At The Royal Wedding

"Chicken nuggets on the buffet!!   The Trumps are coming??" "Look…