Posts

Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

Eighties Sitcom Props: Where Are They Now?

Fake Cheesecake, The Golden Girls: Fake Cheesecake is still steadily working and was recently spotted in the bakery-themed Hallmark Rom-Com, A Beefcake with a Cheesecake.  

An Open Letter of Apology to My Future Self For Introducing Our Toddler to “Whoomp, There It Is” by Tag Team 

It won’t seem that bad the first dozen times you have Tag Team in full effect, kicking the flow with DC The Brain Supreme, and his man Steve Roll’n. We’re party people, right? We like to jump, jump rejoice, just like anyone else does. You might even think you imagined the potential harm that my decision could cause. But if I let you believe that, I’d be gaslighting you. The party is over here and it’s over there.

Conversations That May Have Taken Place Off-Camera

The Wizard Of Oz: Cowardly Lion: I think I'm kind of into her guys. Tin Man: Oh Lion... Cowardly Lion: What should I do? Scarecrow: I think you should tell her. Tin Man: Tell her what? “Hey Dorothy. I know that you're a small town girl from Kansas and I'm a lion, but when all this is over do you want to go to the movies sometime?” 

Congratulations, You’re Going Back to the Office! 

Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags. You’ll get one to use throughout the year, so make sure you take care of it. Please write your name, blood type, and emergency contact information on it. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your design! 

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

Other TV Networks Follow Fox’s Lead and Debut Their Own Weather Channels

HBO: It’s going to be a scorcher today, which is why none of our weatherwomen are wearing shirts.

CARTOON: Outside

Fresh air and threats. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

I Am Kristen Roupenian’s Book Advance, and I Know All Your Essays Are About Me

You probably have questions about me. I am, after all, seven-figures big, an unheard-of sum for a relatively unknown writer. What would it be like to have me, you wonder? Is there any hope of my ever being earned out? And now: Should I be shared with Alexis Nowicki, the woman on whom the short story was based?

What's New On Streaming?

The Haunting Of Geraldine's Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries.  The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.

#AnimalActionMovies

Cape Deer, Mortal Wombat, Farmageddon, and more #AnimalActionMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!

All Saints Catholic High School Presents “Angels! in America! The Musical!”

No doubt about it, Angels! In America! is my new favorite musical - it’s even better than Grease! While the show is incredible, it’s not for everyone. There is some very heavy subject matter that may upset some young children, and the first six rows will get wet.

Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony

Forty-seven minutes spent going through group's Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

CARTOON: Worked Out

It's nice to get back to a routine. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

#IrateIceCream

Rum Raging. Ben & Angry, Pissed-tachio, and more #IrateIceCream on this week's trending joke game!

Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

Baktykozha Izmukhambetov, Trcghed Acfsfgth, Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh, and more!

Give Your Dad the Best Father’s Day Gift Ever: A Long, Rambling Conversation About Steely Dan

So, you’ll need to introduce a suggestive phrase that’s maybe something like this: “So I discovered Steely Dan on Spotify.” At this point, you might not need to say anything for the next hour or five.

A Father’s Day Gift Guide for Dads who are Men who Like Man Things

A nicer and louder lawnmower than that asshole Frank has. Hot sauce so spicy it will absolutely ruin whatever you put it on. A blacksmithing forge. And more!

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

CARTOON: Sorry, No.

Maybe next year. Today's cartoon by Ward Sutton.

20 Mugs To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day Because You Don’t Really Know Him

“I LOVE YOU” MUG This feels aggressive. “WE LOVE YOU” MUG You don’t want to speak for your siblings. And more.

Reasons I'm Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)

I fear someday soon I will be all alone in my stalwart masking. I wear a mask to protect others—not to obscure a hypothetical snout full of sharp teeth that I might, hypothetically, have and might, hypothetically, intend to eat you with.

Haikus: No Rhymes, Barely Any Reason

Word dyslexia/ Looks like a term that was spelled/ By someone with it.

I’m That Friend Who Always Asks if You’ve Hydrated and, Well, Have You?

It’s simple: Eight glasses, morning to night. If you’re like me, afternoons are mostly spent setting increasingly appreciable rage fires in increasingly busy Paneras, making that daypart less ideal. But whatever your hydration schedule, I find it best to begin when you first wake, right before the dark thoughts have settled in.

CAPTCHAs for Women

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

James Bond Meets QAnon

QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond.... this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you're instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy's psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!

E.T. Receives A 39 Year Overdue Phone Bill For Interplanetary Roaming Charges

Since your account balance has been in arrears for over 39 Earth rotations around the sun, we contacted a debt collector. And by debt collector we mean an interplanetary bounty hunter. There was some Boba someone or other who seemed pretty keen on bringing you in, but then a group of Predators were willing to do it for free.

Interview with a Cicada from Brood X

So now that you’re out in the open for the first time since 2004, what are you looking forward to most? Well all I’ve heard these past few months — as all 1.5 million of us in this acre of land were getting ready to emerge — was how good the TV selection has gotten up here. We haven’t had much to watch other than tree roots grow and cicada drama in the past 17 years. 

Things That I'll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks...

Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!

An Honest and Thoughtful Online Review of Timmy’s Sleepover

[EDIT- Timmy’s parents insisted I remove this last sentence, calling it slander, but in the hall I also heard them talking about that “weird little grumpy kid” who was staying over, and “why was Timmy even friends with him?”, so I have little sympathy for arguments citing slander.]

CARTOON: Original Tastemakers

Nutty texture with a burning mouth-feel... Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar

Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold.

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

CARTOON: Singin' in the Germs!

What a glorious feeling! Today's cartoon by Ward Sutton.

CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

Your Brooklyn Dream Home, Now for Just 100k!

Look no further for your dream home! Located in a Cobble Hill Gristedes dumpster, this 1 sq. ft. hell hole is yours for just $1,038, plus $99k property tax. You’ll save on groceries because every night at 11:03 rotten tomatoes will be dumped right into your kitchen (and bedroom, living room, and also bathroom). Bring a positive attitude and hazmat suit.

Thanks To The Pandemic, Nobody Cares That I’m A Centaur

Look, I can think of a LOT of downsides to this pandemic. This constant, gnawing sense of uncertainty, a vague creeping panic over what tomorrow might bring, the inability to leave your house or live an ordinary life, maybe forever! But there ARE upsides. For me, anyway. Because thanks to the pandemic, nobody cares that I’m a centaur!

Talkward w/ guests Kit Lively & David DeGrand

This episode of Talkward welcomes cartoon comedy duo Kit Lively and David DeGrand. They have a new book out called 'Twisted Tongues: Jokes, Comics, Facts, and Tongue Twisters' We discuss their years working together for MAD Magazine and David's recent gig designing the animated show 'Death Hacks'.

CARTOON: Gravestones, As Written By Your Parents

Dignified descriptions. Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

Fact Check: A Race of Fish-Eating Monsters Does Not Live Above Water

“Many fish get lost if they go too far up,” says Bass. “But that doesn’t mean they’re leaving the water or getting transported to some mystical ‘dry land’ where they’re chopped to pieces and devoured by walking-talking giants. Those stories are pure make-believe.”

Surviving Compliments: A Field Guide

Make Loud Noises: The only 100% effective way to survive compliments is to avoid them entirely. If you see a complimenter approaching, try scaring them away with loud noises. Bang pots and pans, yell, or fondly talk about the Joe Rogan Podcast.

The Cartoon Pad w/ guest Sam Viviano

This week the Cartoon Pad talks with the one and only Sam Viviano of MAD magazine fame and misfortune. We delve into Sam’s start, his acclaimed career and his take on MAD’s end.

Truly Terrible Signs You May Be Staying at a Bad Rehab Center

During art therapy, you're encouraged to "reach your inner artist" by sniffing the markers.

How to Write A Metaphor

Each new metaphor is a leaf of romaine, a cherry tomato, a pound of Jell-O, eighteen hot dogs, or a handful of croutons. A lesser writer may remark that a mixed metaphor can only cause confusion, but this is coward’s talk and will quickly earn a jab to the throat.

I’m Your Web Browser’s Private Mode And We Need To Talk

Why do I have to be reserved for the filth? For the dirty work? For scoping out past significant others or scouring social media accounts for details on future Hinge dates, or looking up the activities of current archrivals to ensure that they’re not more successful than you are? Or looking up things about QAnon? For your deep dives into pornography in the middle of the day while you “work from home”? For your shameful schadenfreude? Why do you save this spelunking for me?

Teen Comedies For The Upcoming Post-Apocalyptic World

National Lampoon's Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Questions About Having a Conversation (That I’m Only Asking Out of Curiosity)

How often should I take a sip of my drink to avoid answering? How long can I fake sip on an empty glass until someone notices? How long can I fake sip out of a fake glass until I notice?

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults - [Book Excerpt]

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Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Now #1 in new releases on Amazon! Get your copy today!

Analogies For My Therapist

‘SOS’ : Deserted island :: Cups on my nightstand : Depression, and more!

How To Act Normal

Small talk with strangers, gifts, and polite interaction. Who remembers how?? This illustrated guide by Jake Goldwasser will help.

Brood X Cicada or Frat Boy on Break?

All they want to do is get laid. No concept of personal space. They never travel in groups smaller than swarms. And more!

QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office

On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

Ramona Quimby, Age 48

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

CARTOON: Cup

Perspective. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

I, Martha Stewart, Am Certainly Not On Drugs; I’m Just Super Chill and Have the Munchies

My gummies are very popular with influencer bloggers, like Ashley who said they are “like a dream” and “I forgot my kids at school but I really like the berry flavor.” Recently a cooking blogger said “you can just make whatever / it doesn’t even matter anymore” because she loved my lemon CBD oil. Isn’t that delightful?

CARTOON: Nosepicker

Feels like a bulbous honker day, don't you agree? Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.

CARTOON: DIY

First lesson free. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Hi, I’m the Toilet in the Back of Your Mirror Selfie—You Can See Me, Right?

If you absolutely needed a full-body pic (I get it, I like to show off my full tank every once in a while too), you have a full-length mirror in your room. Your cute room, where there’s sexier background items like your unmade bed, your chaise lounge with all your dirty clothes thrown on it, your dying plants. It screams sex appeal!

Chutes and Ladders: Vaccine Edition

To play: On your turn, spin the spinner and move your pawn, square by square, until you reach the final square, where you will receive your Covid-19 vaccine at your local fairgrounds. Throughout the game, try your best to jump the line by landing on ladders and avoiding pitfalls that will send you spiraling down chutes, relegating you to additional days, months, and maybe years of pandemic depression. 

The Daily Mail: Discomfort With Our Centuries-Old Breeding Program a Sign of Poor Breeding

We stand by our journalistic integrity. We have plumbed the depths to identify why the divorced, American commoner who married into the curated gene pool of our ceremonial oligarchy is so “grating.” Thus far, our reporting suggests that the Duchess of Sussex is “not the right sort,”

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn't use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you're all set for the ultimate staycation!

CARTOON: Medical Averages

Recommendation Ratios. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

You Don't Actually Understand Gaslighting

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

Glowing Hotel Reviews From Bedbugs

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Introducing Giggle, the Search Engine for Determining if You Came up With a Joke or Unwittingly Ripped It off

'When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?' Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:

Introducing “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That's easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”

CARTOON: Instagrim

Pics or it didn't happen. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

CARTOON: Password

Have that same combination on my luggage! Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Home Depot’s Updated In-Store Bird Policy

Thank you for choosing Home Depot, where doers get more done.…

#BarfyBooks

The Great Gagsby, Brave New Hurl, Stephen King’s VomIT, and more #BarfyBooks on this week's trending joke game!

Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

CARTOON: Bullish

Cancel Cattle Culture? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

CARTOON: Bumped

No more talking to the hand? Today's cartoon by Meg Richardson.

Q & Anon- Top Questions From QAnon's Website FAQ

Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you're wiping at all, you're several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.

Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish. Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials. 

Pandemic Looks for Fashion Week

Trendy vaccinations are taking the world by storm. If you’ve got it, this fringe will flaunt it.

Moments from Post-Presidential Comedy Careers

John F. Kennedy: Seinfeld-type Comic: Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what’s the deal with the Bay of Pigs? 

Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum? 

“Bodily vigor is good, and vigor of intellect is even better, but far above both is character.” 2. “A great democracy has got to be progressive, or it will soon cease to be neither great nor a democracy.” 3. “I’m made of wax, Larry.”

A Memo from Cupid: Changes to Valentine Season

Collazac for Countenance: This innovative arrow delivers a double-dose of collagen and Prozac, designed to fix sad wrinkly faces that have persisted beyond 2020. Your target will be able to put on a happy face even living with the troubling news that The Masked Singer is now getting spin-offs.

Valentine’s Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine)

But this year doesn’t have to be ruled by Hallmark, a stuffed animal, or a candy organ. The only organ we should be celebrating is the one without a condom going in and out of a lover or even better, a stranger.

#LustyLunches

Humplings, Legs Benedict, Flirt Steak, and more #LustyLunches on this week's trending joke game!

I, An Instagram Influencer, Say This Luxury Garbage Bag Poncho Is 100% A Necessity And You Must Buy It

So the poncho is $8,000, which daddy would say is too much, but daddy doesn’t know fashion and I do, so listen to me.

Introducing Sedition, a New Hallmark Greeting Card Line!

Thank you, High School Friend. Thanks for changing the subject when we get dangerously close to discussing current events. I appreciate the reminder to avoid hot-button topics, such as, How are you doing?

CARTOON: IQAnon Test

And all we see is crazy. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Human Resource Emails Sent to James Bond

Hi everyone. I didn’t want to single anyone out, but it has come to my attention that some agents have been intimate with clients, and targets, and targets’ widows. This is just a reminder that someone cannot consent if they are afraid for their life. I have attached the code of conduct.

Rejected Buzzfeed Questions

Between Zesty Blood Orange, Ginger Lime, Feisty Cherry Or Twisty Mango, Which New Diet Coke Flavor Would Be Your Stripper Name? And more!

CARTOON: Prohibited Produce

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.

So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

3 Restaurant Concepts Built to Last Through the Winter of Covid-19

1. SNØRDNØRT: Inspired by Norwegian cuisine and culture, this outdoor-only dining destination welcomes the winter. “Of course it’s going to be cold outside. And dark.” SNØRDNØRT also employs a paramedic on-site, to tell you when you have legit developed frostbite and need to leave.

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!

Jan 5th: Did my first workout today. Phew, it’s hard to keep up with the instructor (a super smiley and toned gal named Holly) during all those thigh busting pop squats. She really understands what motivates me, like when she yells, “Every step you take gets me closer to FREEDOM!” She must know I love helping people.

Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden

You have big stilettos to fill, for I was the greatest First Lady in the history of the United States. No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working. 

CARTOON: Read Between The Lines

Decoding. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Illustrated List: Baskets, Ranked

Easter Basket, Keister Basket, and more! (Who you calling a basket case?!)

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

Punishing Trump With AddenDUMBS To The 25th Amendment

25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!

New Year's Resolutions From 2020 That Aged So Poorly

Sell that treadmill, join a gym! Divest in Zoom, Invest in United Airlines, Open-mouth kiss a stranger on the subway, and more!

Children’s Books in the Time of COVID

Charlotte’s Web of Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories, How to Train Your Dragon to Eat Anti-Maskers, The Very Hungry Caterpillar Has Been Less Interested in Eating Since Losing His Sense of Smell, and more.

#BreakfastAMovie

The French Toast Connection, Romancing the Scone, Scream! Of Wheat, and more #BreakfastAMovie on this week's trending joke game!

In Loving Memory

Charity Case was born in 1942 in Kansas City, to Albert and Sue Greenberg. She was a pillar of strength and kindness in the community. A doting mother, she is survived by two wonderful sons, Head Case and Basket Case, and a beautiful daughter, Vanity Case.

CARTOON: Clean Slate

For the gulls. Today's cartoons by Bob Eckstein.

I Sure Picked the Right Year to Get Trapped in this Luscious 18th Century Armoire

The situation wasn’t ideal, but then again I didn’t have to pretend that a Zoom happy hour was a fulfilling experience. I’ll stick with projecting personalities onto the handful of winter coats I own, thank you very much. 

Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department

And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit?  The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression.  The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

BOOK EXCERPT: Slouchers: The Novelization

But Wes is a Gen X’er.   And Gen X’ers take matters into their own hands! The term “Gen X” was coined in 1991 by writer and “Baby Boomer” Douglas Coupland.   “Baby Boomer” is another important sociological term, this one coined years ago by a writer from the “Greatest Generation.”   Before that, no generations—at least with any marketable names—ever existed.   That’s just the way it was.  

CARTOON: Missing

About yay high and Shiny? Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

How the Mitch Stole Stimulus

Every Blue down in Blue-Ville loved stimulus a lot. But the Mitch who lived in the Senate of Blue Ville did not. The Mitch hated stimulus! The whole Covid season! Maybe because he believes socialism is treason. 

5 Places to Find Your Hallmark Christmas Husband During a Pandemic  

An Open-Air Christmas Tree Lot, The Dilapidated Inn You're Fixing Up, The Snowy Grave of Your Husband, and more! 

The Love Song of J. Electoral College Prufrock

No! I am not the magical elixir; / Am neither a remedy nor fixer / I’m not suited for this nation in this day and age, / When people in states red and blue must be more engaged...

Bill Lumbergh Leads a Zoom Meeting

Now, about Slack. It seems there have been some problems lately when it comes to people not responding to messages – how should I say this – quickly. I’ve talked with Bob and Bob about this and we feel like this is a good sign of whether or not someone is a team player. We’re going on month eight of working from home, so by now you should be treating this as if you’re at your desk or otherwise within my line of sight.

CARTOON: Wear Your Santa Mask

The 12 days of isolation. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.

Ads For Products You Never Wanted

Winner's Rubix Cube: Did you like fidget spinners? Do you want to feel smart without doing any work to get there? Soothe your ego with a Winner's Rubix Cube.

CARTOON: Thanksgiving Simulator

Feel like you are really there! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Ellis Rosen.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

#FoodAMusical

Brittle Shop of Horrors, Fry Fry Birdie, Pies & Dolls, and more #FoodAMusical on this week's trending joke game!

Trump Turkey Pardon

We just need a signature here, here and here....everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there's any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey's family. Like the turkey's sons, just as one example.

Popular Scented Candles of 2020

Face Mask: Revolutionary technology that uniquely captures the fragrance of your own breath.

The Art of the Memoir by Donald J. Trump

Chapter 3- Growing Up: My Dad was a Nazi, and if you’d asked me when I was a boy if that would help me relate to people, I’d have said “no.” But, as it turns out, “yes.”

CARTOON: Futile

Why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

Fun Tips To Shaving Your Dad's Back

Needing to earn a bit of extra money on the side? Scoop up the latest batch of your dad's back-hair trimmings and sell to your stepmother for use in her collection of ex-husband voodoo dolls.

The Bigliest Sore Loser and 14 Other Future Reality Shows for The Post Presidency Trumps to Appear On

Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!

CARTOON: Bird Brain

Quick unsend! Come back! Today's cartoon by David Ostow and Dan Salomon.

NEWS BRIEFS: Cat Caper

Weekly Humorist New Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Titles, Explained

Detective: Just about the only one who’s isn’t afraid to find out what’s really going on here. Lieutenant: A company man who started out as a good cop (sure, maybe too much of an idealist back then, but who wasn’t? Those were different times.) yet now understands that you have to play their game to make captain—and if that means turning a blind eye to some of the stuff that goes on around here, so be it. And more!

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

#CrankyCocktails

Madhattan, Snidecar, Champagne In The Ass, and more #CrankyCocktails on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Just A Flesh Wound

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

Funkytown: 2020

As the ‘80s gave way to the ‘90s, Funkytown crumbled into disrepair, a shell of its former self, remembered only during brief periods of renewed interest in ‘70s culture, such as the Pulp Fiction-fueled comeback of John Travolta and the rise of Jamiroquai.

Alexa, I Know American Democracy is On the Edge of Collapse, But I Need You To Play Baby Beluga by Raffi

Hey Alexa, I get it. America is about to have its second Civil War. We are a flaming pile of shit. There are a lot of noises in this house, lots of stuff being screamed at the TV, but I need you to focus up: my baby refuses to let me wipe her ass unless you play Baby Beluga by Raffi. You need to play Baby Beluga by Raffi.