Originals
Lesser Known Tidbits About Art The Clown
Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.
Entries by Kit Lively
Originals
Getting Smashed At Your Monster Mash
Crack O’ Lantern: You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack? Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.
Originals
Ways To Make The Vice Presidential Debate More Entertaining…
Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat. And more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Undateable
Casual dining. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
P. Diddy’s Tips for Throwing a Successful Freak Off
There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.
Originals
Diddy Lyrics That, In Hindsight, Revealed What Combs Was Up To
“Hey, thanks for being a fan!
Now please get into the van.
Enjoy a blunt I just rolled,
And I’ll apply this lil blindfold.”
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Jason Vorhees’ Camp Crystal Lake Etiquette
Please don’t bring guns into my woods. They’re just not safe. If you know how to use a gun properly, that’s great, but c’mon… accidents do happen. And we all know that bullets can’t hurt me anyway, so just don’t even bother.
Originals
2024 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Trump Expansion Pack
For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it’s going to be a long night!
Originals
Dr. Kit’s Nuggets Of Wisdom (now with choice of dipping sauce)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family.
Originals
Spotlight On This Week’s New Comics!
Batman #758
Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.
Originals
Upcoming SyFy Channel Movies!
Jolly Fish: A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs.
Magazine Rack
High Mimes Magazine
Stuck in an invisible box? Light up & Chill, High on Silence: Do those clowns ever shut up? Mime
Craft: Stoner Mimes Talk Favorite Video Games. And more in High Mimes Magazine!
Originals
Truly Terrible Used Car Checklist
Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car.
Originals
Chucky’s Daily Planner
8:43am – 9:36am Crawl out from beneath pile of toys in this stupid asshole kid’s toy chest. Fucking heavy and unwieldy Deluxe Simon game!
Originals
Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Brand New Voodoo Doll
Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it’s just insulting.
Originals
LimmerICKs
Here are a few simple facts ,
Re sculpting with ear wax:
It requires a gentle touch ,
And this may be a bit much,
But makes delicious snacks.
Originals
Really Cool Things About The Upcoming Robot Apocalypse
Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! And more.
Originals
Witch’s Potions, And What They Do
Pickled Antichrist Placenta: Sharpens up your tennis swing. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock: Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. And more!
Originals
Conducting Yourself Properly During A Séance
Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it’s bad form, just don’t do it.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Divine Fashion
Holy Headwear. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
Your Partner’s Complaints About Popular Sex Toys
Anal Bee’s: I have since discovered that this should have been “anal beads” rather than “anal bees”. The former sounds pretty nice, actually. Don’t make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that’s all I’m saying.
Originals
Modern Day School Absence Excuses
“Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies.” “Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library.” “Militia meeting ran late.” And more!
Magazine Rack
Poople Magazine
100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM’s, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He’s Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You’re Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!
Originals
Other Trump Stories Killed By The National Enquirer
Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric, Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms, And more!
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Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?
Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!
Originals
Who Gets What in the Divorce of America
MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target // MAGA gets: Book burning. Everyone else gets: Burning carbs. And more!
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Other New Additions To Trump’s Bible
Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!
News Briefs
News Briefs: Employees Of Weed Shop Keep Forgetting To Charge Customers
PLUS:
Shower Head Feels Weird About Relationship With Female Owner
Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Laptop Computer Not Crazy About Sitting On Man’s Crotch During Late Night Porno Surfing
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Originals
Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
Originals
MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists
Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes. So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer.
Originals
GOPlayer One Go!
CPAC-Man: You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention. Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game! Ah, who’re we kidding? No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway. This game has endless lives.
Originals
Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults
Why did the fisherman’s wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!
Originals
OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed…
ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he’s had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four. Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.
Magazine Rack
Men’s Stealth Magazine
Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don’t Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men’s Stealth!
Originals
Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift
The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008. On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers. In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.
News Briefs
News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race
PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Originals
Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted
Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!
Originals
Donkey Kong’s Daily Planner
11:45 PM- Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.
Originals
Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries…
Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the mall? …. please make that cappuccino tall. And more!
Originals
New Year’s Resolutions Of Artificial Intelligence
Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. And more!
Originals
Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas
Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!
Originals
Lies Your Wife Has Told You
Back hair isn’t gross, it’s just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn’t even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!
Originals
All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn
Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!
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GAG A MAGA! Down N’ Dirty Details Of The Most Recent Trump Gag Order
No more mentions of a “witch hunt”, as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.
Best of 2023
QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs
Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!
Originals
Interview With This Year’s Presidentially Pardoned Turkey
Travis Turkey: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful… but it’s really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn’t see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I’ve been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th…
Originals
Truly Terrible Signs That You’re Attending A Crummy Carnival
All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes.
News Briefs
News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage
PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.
Originals
No Treats? Here Are Some New Tricks!
Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!
Originals
Ouija Board Do’s And Don’ts
DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password. And more!
Originals
QUIZ: ALF or MILF?
Extremely hairy, and if we’re being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!
News Briefs
News Briefs: Study Shows Demon Possessed Teens Not As Bad As Regular Teens
Plus: ER Patient With Candy Bar Stuffed Into Rectum Didn’t Bring Enough For Everybody, Area Man’s Fate Sealed After Leaving Toilet Seat Up In New Girlfriend’s Apartment, Drivers Don’t Even Question Origin Story Of Single Tennis Shoe On Side Of Highway.
Originals
Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies
No Time To Die: “On the contrary, I’m afraid. This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades.”
Originals
Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet
Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching ‘Blossom’. Don’t be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!
Originals
Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)
“No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay” “Baby With Tattoos On Board” “If The Van Is A’Rockin’, Automated Weapons We’re A’Glockin'” and more!
Originals
Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!! No, I’m serious, RIGHT NOW!! Go, Now!! Why Are You Still Reading This???
PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity…
Originals
Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips
Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!
Magazine Rack
Lustler Magazine
Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let’s Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!
Originals
Breakfast At Tiffany’s
Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.
Originals
Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult
Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.
originals
Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot’
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Originals
Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit
Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won’t be allowed into Golden Corral?
Originals
Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump
Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don’t want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um… do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I’m a sentient penis pump. The only thing I’ve ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.
Originals
Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
originals
Your Dog’s Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog
Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.
News Briefs
News Briefs: Middle Aged Eagle Scout Top Recruitment Pick For Local Area Cults
Plus: Exhaustive Study Reveals Slip-In Shoes Greatest Achievement Of New Millenium, Kitchen Junk Drawer Officially Too Full To Open, Man With Dad Bod Isn’t Even Really A Dad.
Originals
New Summer Pool Rules
No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool. Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!
Originals
Truly Terrible Fathers’ Day Gifts
World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Saved
No soliciting. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Originals
Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures
Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!
Magazine Rack
Gothmopolitan Magazine
Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other’s Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.
Originals
GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature
Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what’s needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.
News Briefs
News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression
Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies “Birthday Only” Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.
Magazine Rack
Popular Séance Magazine
Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.
Originals
Headlines From the Dominion / Fox News Trial We Will Never Get To See…
Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!
Originals
Truly Terrible Things About Trump Arraignment
Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren’t using ‘good orange’ and he looks too ‘creamsicle’. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won’t answer any questions until he’s placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!
Best of 2023
News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem
Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend’s Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom
Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor’s Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.
Originals
PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State
Texas: Choking the chicken. An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!
Originals
Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon
The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you’re still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!
Best of 2023
GLUMMER Magazine
It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!
News Briefs
News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection
Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.
Best of 2023
Wendy’s Daily Planner
5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!
Best of 2023
Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!
OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.
Originals
Truly Terrible Signs That You Were Abducted By Aliens And Then Mindwiped
Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!
News Briefs
News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family
Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn’t Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili’s.
Originals
Lesser Known TV Content Warnings
Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!
Magazine Rack
Plateboy Magazine
Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!
Best of 2023
Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe
Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star’s gentlemen’s club, The Emperor Says “No Clothes!”. Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.
Best of 2022
Clairvoyant Trump’s 2023 Predictions
January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Pornaments
Where’s dad? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
Mrs. Claus’ Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List
Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. And more!
Magazine Rack
FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
Originals
TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
News Briefs
NEWS BRIEFS: Dad Accidentally Streaks Slumber Party
Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Originals
Black Magic Friday’s Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!
Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce
Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today’s cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.
Originals
Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour
Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein’s island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.
Originals
Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes
Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
Magazine Rack
OnlyFansgoria
Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!
Originals
Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms
Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.
Originals
Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!
Originals
Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)
Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S’ores, and more!
Originals
A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk
“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”
Originals
Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention. By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV. And more!
Best of 2022
The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!
The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
Originals
Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions
PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns. Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it’s all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.
CritWits
REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone
The basic rom-com set-up of “woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures” is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).
Best of 2022
National Enshirer
Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!
Originals
Inventory List Of The FBI’s Raid Of Trump
Secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!) McDonalds’ Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!
Originals
A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87 3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.
Best of 2022
Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom
QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.
Magazine Rack
RottingStone Magazine
Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, ‘Name That Tomb’ with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!
Originals
Road Trip Stops You Won’t Want To Miss!!
Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.
Originals
Truly Terrible Beach Tips
Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.
Best of 2022
QaDon’s- American Bistro For American’s Who Don’t Like America
“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”
Originals
Sonic The Hedgehog Tips & Tricks!!!
This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game. Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Magazine Rack
Newsbleak Magazine
Study Confirms: We’re All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don’t Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!
Originals
Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements
“Please don’t be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of it, so everything should be fine now.”
Originals
Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly
1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair- During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.
Originals
Level With Me…How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?
No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can’t get laid. And more!
Magazine Rack
Renthouse Magazine
Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.
Originals
More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk’s Planned Twitter Changes…
A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.
Originals
Post Pandemic Party Planning!
Now that things are moving slowly back toward somewhat normal, you can toss your guests’ coats onto your bed, rather than onto your back lawn before setting them all on fire.
Best of 2022
What To Expect When You’re Expecting Extraterrestrials
Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon… you’re just making the rest of us look bad.
Magazine Rack
TV Snide
‘Oh boy! More Streaming Services!? Maybe they could put them all together on one bill, oh wait, we had that and f*cked it up!’ ‘The Voice: Sorry, Folks, No Good Singers Left’ and more in this issue of TV Snide!
Originals
More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck
Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty. And more!
originals
Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds
Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.
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Queasyriders Magazine
Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!
Best of 2022
Little Debbie’s Got A FAQ For You
We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.
Originals
Cap’n Crunch’s Most Irritating Pet Peeves
Social media bullying from those horrible Honeycomb Kids. No one ever takes him seriously when he asks them to walk the plank. And more!
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Cosmopolitician Magazine
Stealing Hearts and Voting Rights, Denying Climate Change to Get Them Hot, and more in this issue of Cosmopolitician Magazine!
Originals
Joe Rogan’s Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories
Shingles are not caused by a virus introduced into a person’s body via chicken pox, but rather a section of roof falling from a great distance and hitting you on the back. And more!
Originals
Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies
“Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?”
Best of 2022
New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need
Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!
Originals
What’s IN & OUT For 2022
OUT Zombie apocalypse / IN Regular old boring apocalypse, and more!
Originals
My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021
Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.
Originals
Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts
This Is Not A Vibrator! Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.
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Ass Weakly Magazine
In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says “Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!”
Originals
Your Holiday Streaming Guide
Chris-mas Cuomo- When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network? (HBO Max)
Originals
The Most Dangerous Game Night: Ways To Spice Up Boring Old Board Games
Connect Four: Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders: Game played on actual ladders. Twister: Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. And more!
Originals
Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!
Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!
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Bartha Steward Shiving
Time Off For Gouda Behavior, Adding A Splash Of Fall Medley To Your Gang’s Colors, and more in this issue of Bartha Steward Shiving.
Originals
Reasons That I’m Not Coming To Your Baby Shower
You’re not having a baby; you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year. Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever. You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.
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Reaper’s Diegest
‘Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist’, ‘Slim Reapers: This Year’s Most Flattering Death Robes!’ ‘Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?’ and More from this month’s Reaper’s Digest!