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A Look Back at Vince McMahon’s XPL: The Xtreme Polo League
Nearly 20 years after its much heralded but ultimately failed…
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Cakes Religious Bakers Are Willing To Make
If you live in a God-fearing town, there are plenty of non-traditional,…
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Other Trumped Versions Of Headlines That Criticize His Actions
After seeing this POLITICO article: Trump tries his hand at…
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Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals
After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across…
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11 Cereal Brands, Ranked by How Much They Could Also Be Cults
11. Trader Joe’s
10. America’s Choice
9. General…
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Aphrodisiacs That'll Get You Real Horned Up In No Time
Someone else’s leftovers
Costco samples
A lettuce leaf that…
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Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point
Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…
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Trump's Search For The Perfect Lawyer
After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox…
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Overheard at the White House Easter Egg Roll
Egg roll? I thought we don’t allow Chinese people in the White…
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Doggy Dancing- A New Cure For Loneliness
NEW YORK CITY – Leave it to New York City to come up with the…
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Play Ball!: People Trump Would Like to Throw Out Instead of Traditional First Pitch
Carmen San Diego
Mueller
Random Cabinet Member
Mueller
Overrated…
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Paul Manafort’s 7 Keys to a More Deliberate Life
Welcome, everyone, and congratulations, because just by being…
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Yes, We Used Production Assistant Meat as a Mystery Basket Ingredient on "Chopped"
Hello Chopped fans, concerned citizens, and law enforcement officers. …
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10 Alternate Expressions to Use When “Cutting Onions” Seems Played Out
Ok, so you just read something that brought tears to your eyes,…
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Wedding Rejection Emails
Listen to this article!
Dear Mary,
I regret to inform…
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Updated Checklist for Future Screening of Potentially Dangerous Presidential Candidates
Party Chairpersons: While assessing your potential candidate,…
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Sea Monkeys, A Starter Kit for Disappointment
Long before Facebook and Instagram gave the masses the tools…
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New Details Following The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview...
Members of Trump's organization threatened Stormy following the…
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The White House's Nine-Point Plan to Make America's Schools Safe Again
1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational…
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Yelp Reviews of The Last Supper
Categories: Mediterranean
Locations: Jerusalem
Attire: Casual
Good…
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11 Amazing & Exciting Gluten-Free Foods!
Gluten-Free Russian Potato Vodka
Gluten-Free Corn Chips
Gluten-Free…
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PlentyOfPrisoners and 11 Other Sites For People Who Confuse Crazy In Love w/Being In Love w/Someone Crazy
eHarmMe
eBodilyHarmony
ChristianMangle
PlentyOfPrisoners
AdultFiendFinder
Cra-Cra…
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Other ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump
In regards to Putin's reelection win, Trump's advisors had…
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Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist
Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered…
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Donald Trump Jr. Resigns
Engulfed in a widening scandal involving a divorce from his wife…
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Do Not Push the Red Button
Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…
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Star Wars The Last Jedi Blu-ray Bonus Features
Commentary Tracks
Director’s Commentary Rian Johnson…
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Vladimir Putin's Top Campaign Promises
Vladimir Putin won re-election as Russian President and immediately…
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5 Ways to Manage Your Yeast Infection While Protesting Outside Planned Parenthood
Being a Christian is awfully hard these days. It’s even harder…
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A Day In The Life Of Sean Hannity
Wake up, take morning piss (mostly blood).
Make coffee while…
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It’s Not A Theme Park, It’s HBO
Following the smashing success of Westworld: The Experience at…
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Department Of Defense Itemized Trump Property Charges
This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just…
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Rejected Headlines For Rex Tillerson Firing After Someone Thought Of 'REXIT'
Tilt-R-Son?!
Rex, Eat Your Salad.
Former Gas Salesman Gaslit…
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The Best Jokes By Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot About Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot
This week, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk made news by hiring former…
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Quiz: New Diet Coke Flavor or Porn Star
1. Brandi Love
2. Feisty Cherry
3. Cherrie DeVille
4.…
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Man Tattoos Muscular Body On His Own Scrawny Frame
SACRAMENTO, California - Tired of being picked on for his scrawny,…
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The Real Reasons That Stormy Daniels Is Suing Trump
Trauma incurred by having accidentally glimpsing his scabby,…
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Jobs Well-Suited For A Disillusioned Twenty-Something Office Worker
Headache Medicine Prescriber
Arsonist
Parachute Safety…
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How To Tell If Your Voice-Activated Personal Assistant Technology Is Trying To Kill You
1. You ask it to turn on the lights in your living room, and…
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NRA Kid Books
We’ve all heard about NRA TV and the gun happy shows they…
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Job Application: Russian Troll Farm
Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely…
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An Open Letter to my 5K Training App
Dear 5K Training App,
I feel guilty about the way I handled…
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The Whispering Village Of Turkmenistan
TURKMENISTAN – There’s a tiny village in Turkmenistan called…
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Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead
Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…
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Dead Celebrity Museum
Elvis Presley's Hips
Fit for a king. The very…
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One Weird Day in the Trump White House
Author’s Note:
As your intrepid White House correspondent…
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My Bombshell Revelation: I, Your Friendly Office Co-Worker, Am Actually an Asshole
My fellow GloboPlanet Corporate Headquarters Employees:
It…
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Possible Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee Spinoffs
Writers in Winnebagos drinking wine
Veterinarians on Vespas…
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Things Oprah Might Think Are A Sign From God That She Should Run For President
1. She walks into her dressing room, and a burning bush that…
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Hope Hicks Updated LinkedIn Profile
Hope Hicks
Former White House Communications Director, current…
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If Trump Had Run Into The Florida School Shooting
President Donald J. Trump said this week that if he had been…
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The Best Lyrics From Limp Bizkit’s New Apology Album
Limp Bizkit’s highly anticipated sixth studio album, Stampede…
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Corporate Sponsors Who Have Turned Their Back On The NRA, Surprising Everyone With The Fact That They Were NRA Sponsors In The First Place!
You've heard of rats deserting a sinking ship, right? Well,…
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Dentist Accidentally Extracts Man’s Face
BISMARCK, North Dakota – Len Wheaton went to the dentist expecting…
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The GOP's Guide To Fun Ways Of Blowing Off Steam After CPAC
Being a soulless, Conservative windbag isn't as easy or fun as…
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Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours
In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry…
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The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller
January 29, 2018
Talk about a banner day for Stephen…
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Welcome to Mobility University™, an AT&T® Institution!
Welcome, new faculty member!
AT&T® is a recognized…
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Quiz: Tender Catcall Bestowed Upon Me or Michael Bolton Song?
1. How Can We Be Lovers
2. Are You Taken?
3. Murder My…
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Other Bits Of Dirt Unearthed By The Mueller Investigation
President Trump is a regular user of Tinkler, the Tinder…
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As An Olympic Curler I Resent Being Asked To Sweep Out The Garage
Honey, I feel like we’ve been over this a thousand times.
On…
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Baby Born With Antlers
NOME, Alaska - Rachel Binster was expecting twins. The one thing…
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That's The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners
I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog - Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges)
Nuthin’…
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Missed Connections Ads to My Childhood Crushes
Maybe our names aren’t the only things that go together?
We…
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Storylines for the Next Batch of Cloverfield Movies
The Cloverfield FRIENDS!
At last, the 90 minute “Friends”…
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Tricky Dick Tutors Trump on Treachery
Here's to the State of Richard Nixon
For underneath his borders…
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An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine's Day
Dear Roxanne,
It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…
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Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Lies
“I’ll love you forever.”
In cosmic terms, a human…
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Daily Itinerary Of Hope Hicks
6 am - 11:18 am: Busy work until the president arrives at the…
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Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I'm Running For Office?
Dearly Beloved,
We are gathered here today to honor the memory…
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Ladies, It's Snack Time
PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said in an interview last week that the…
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Valentines for America's Most Beloved Sexual Predators
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…
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Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials
"A Tale of Two Tweets”
At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr.…
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Other Notable Trysts that Quincy Jones Forgot to Mention in His Vulture Interview
Post Vulture interview, Quincy got a couple quick BJs from his…
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All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions
A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line
An…
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Highlights Of Trump's Planned Military Parade
The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere.…
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Man In Wyoming Builds Family A Nest
ELK MOUNTAIN, Wyoming – Wade Truesdale was proud of the house…
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Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom
The Monkey
Our first animal today, children, is the…
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Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama
Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search…
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Winter Brooklympic Events
Garbage pile skeleton
Slush puddle Salchow
Digging…
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Common Complaints About Popular Sex Toys
We asked, you answered. Results from our first Weekly Humorist…
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Biggest State of the Union Surprises
When Melania’s code malfunctions and she receives a phone call…
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Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence
First Steps
SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?
YOU:…
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Thin Man Travels The World By Overnight Mail
HELSINKI, Finland – Travis Purn had an itch to travel. The…
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Reading 10,000 Books a Year is Easy—Just Do What I Do!
Listen to audiobooks to mix it up
Audiobooks are the best! They’re…
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Stormy Daniels' Non-Disclosure Agreement
NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT
This Non-disclosure Agreement by and…
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Best Names For A Trump White House Garage Band
Stable Genius and the Unindicted Co-Conspirators
Obama…
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Weekly Humorist's Guide To Hip, Hot Mid-Season Replacement TV Shows!
Listen to this article.
Muff Divers
Trinity…
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8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person
The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel.
Lindsay has had…
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5 New Chicago Based Cable Shows
NBC Studios
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
January 22nd, 2018
As…
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5 Euphemisms to Watch in 2018
Payment Experience
You'll never look at a bill the same…
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President Trump's Favorite Things About The Government Shutdown
You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy…
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The Weekly Humorist Bookshelf
Listen to this article.
What are we reading…
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Trump’s First State of the Union
“I don’t really like cheeseburgers. It’s fake news. I’m losing weight and am down to 175 pounds, clearly you can see that.”
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Man Killed For Giving Girlfriend A Snail Instead Of Engagement Ring
GILA BEND, Arizona – Hiram Trask and Emma Baldoon were high…
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Jack Off Joe Toy Catalogue
'Horrible' Harvey Weinstein...$8.99
The original--and some…
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Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”
Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich…
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INCREDIBLE! Tide Pods Are More Than A Delicious After Dinner Snack
The following post was found on the Tide Pod Recipes subreddit.
It’s…
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Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting
Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out…
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Dry January Activities That Don’t Require Alcohol, Just An Unwavering Commitment To Fighting Corruption In The Figure Skating Community
It can be hard not to count the days until Dry January is over…
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What These 5 Jesus Quotes Would Look Like If We Changed “Shithole” to “Shithouse”
“Who invited us to this shithouse?”
- …
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Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes
Try to pull a tablecloth from underneath a set of dishes.
Take…
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A Revised Nightly Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray Bob Mueller my country to…
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Top Selling Christian Rock Albums Since Trump’s Presidential Win
Turn The Orange Cheek
Prayer Warriors
Small Hands, Big…
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Most Interesting Things Overheard During Trump's Physical
"Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President." "That's OK, Doctor.…
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Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump
"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…
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Smithsonian Institute Proves George Washington Wore Wooden Pants
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Stories have abounded for…
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The Top 20 Bestselling British Porno Magazines
Keen Jugs
Brilliant Fannies
Tally Ho, Naked Ladies!
Shag Fancy
Cockney…
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Trump Explains Why Countries Made His Shithole List
Albania
"Voted against my homey Roy Moore."
New Zealand
"Not…
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More Surprising Revelations From Michael Wolff's Fire And Fury
Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive…
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Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal
“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…
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Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?
Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings
In the ‘80s there was nothing…
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Deepak Chopra's Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)
Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh" to a Deepak Chopra…
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The Really Serious Problems With Sex Robots
1) They're oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner's name during intercourse.
2) …
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Baby New Year's Roast Of Father Time, 2017
Woo! Hey everybody, how's it going? I have to say... …
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Signs That You're At A Terrible New Year's Eve Party
Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight.
The…
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Man With Infant's Head Sues For Discrimination
NEW YORK CITY – A major Wall Street firm is reeling from charges…
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Other New Structures, Places And Things Named After Trump, Currently Under Construction
Just in time to swoop in and save his frail, trembling ego, Israel…
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Some Recent Bill Murray Sightings
Ellen Delacroix. Chapel Hill, NC.
One afternoon I went into…
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Most Returned Christmas Gifts: 2017 Edition
Rapist!
Harvey Weinstein's cologne for men (30% infused rose-water,…
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Red Flags That Your American Facebook Group is Probably Run by a Russian Bot
The phrases in the posts and comments aren’t quite right:
You…
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The Real Reasons That Fans Are So Upset By The New Star Wars Movie
There is a disturbance in the Force. Or perhaps its simply…
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“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!
A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…
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List Of Illegal Moves In Chess
Castling after having earlier moved your king.
Moving…
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Man Slips On Pat Of Butter, Winds Up In Next Town
COLLINSVILLE, Illinois – When Wally Pavlicek decides to slip…
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The GOP's Holiday Caroling Set List
Rudolph The Ineligible, Pre-Existing Condition Having Reindeer
Baby,…
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He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents
Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean
He’s…
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The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide
Moscow Mule Drink Set
You know those popular copper cups that…
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How the Trumps Botch Christmas
“It's Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their…
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Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children
Hi Anthony,
Thanks for the nice letter! …
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Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition
Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast…
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Creepy Guy With ‘Free Breast Exam’ T-Shirt Now Most Viable Women’s Health Option In Louisiana
The Louisiana Department of Health has released an official…
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Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration
1 Comment
/
1. vulnerable
2.piss
3 motherfucker
4. entitlement
5. cunt
6.…
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LEAKED! Roy Moore's Eventual Concession Speech
Alright pilgrims, looks like it’s come to this: defeated by…
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Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde
“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas”
I’ve been sitting…
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The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
As told by: Dasher
Okay, let…