8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person
The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel.
Lindsay has had…
5 New Chicago Based Cable Shows
NBC Studios
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
January 22nd, 2018
As…
5 Euphemisms to Watch in 2018
Payment Experience
You'll never look at a bill the same…
President Trump's Favorite Things About The Government Shutdown
You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy…
The Weekly Humorist Bookshelf
Listen to this article.
What are we reading…
Trump’s First State of the Union
“I don’t really like cheeseburgers. It’s fake news. I’m losing weight and am down to 175 pounds, clearly you can see that.”
Man Killed For Giving Girlfriend A Snail Instead Of Engagement Ring
GILA BEND, Arizona – Hiram Trask and Emma Baldoon were high…
Jack Off Joe Toy Catalogue
'Horrible' Harvey Weinstein...$8.99
The original--and some…
Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”
Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich…
INCREDIBLE! Tide Pods Are More Than A Delicious After Dinner Snack
The following post was found on the Tide Pod Recipes subreddit.
It’s…
Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting
Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out…
Dry January Activities That Don’t Require Alcohol, Just An Unwavering Commitment To Fighting Corruption In The Figure Skating Community
It can be hard not to count the days until Dry January is over…
What These 5 Jesus Quotes Would Look Like If We Changed “Shithole” to “Shithouse”
“Who invited us to this shithouse?”
- …
Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes
Try to pull a tablecloth from underneath a set of dishes.
Take…
A Revised Nightly Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray Bob Mueller my country to…
Top Selling Christian Rock Albums Since Trump’s Presidential Win
Turn The Orange Cheek
Prayer Warriors
Small Hands, Big…
Most Interesting Things Overheard During Trump's Physical
"Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President." "That's OK, Doctor.…
Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump
"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…
Smithsonian Institute Proves George Washington Wore Wooden Pants
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Stories have abounded for…
The Top 20 Bestselling British Porno Magazines
Keen Jugs
Brilliant Fannies
Tally Ho, Naked Ladies!
Shag Fancy
Cockney…
Trump Explains Why Countries Made His Shithole List
Albania
"Voted against my homey Roy Moore."
New Zealand
"Not…
More Surprising Revelations From Michael Wolff's Fire And Fury
Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive…
Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal
“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…
Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?
Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings
In the ‘80s there was nothing…
Deepak Chopra's Greatest Hits (feat. Justin Bieber)
Proof that by adding “Baby, baby, baby, oh" to a Deepak Chopra…
The Really Serious Problems With Sex Robots
1) They're oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner's name during intercourse.
2) …
Baby New Year's Roast Of Father Time, 2017
Woo! Hey everybody, how's it going? I have to say... …
Signs That You're At A Terrible New Year's Eve Party
Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight.
The…
Man With Infant's Head Sues For Discrimination
NEW YORK CITY – A major Wall Street firm is reeling from charges…
Other New Structures, Places And Things Named After Trump, Currently Under Construction
Just in time to swoop in and save his frail, trembling ego, Israel…
Some Recent Bill Murray Sightings
Ellen Delacroix. Chapel Hill, NC.
One afternoon I went into…
Most Returned Christmas Gifts: 2017 Edition
Rapist!
Harvey Weinstein's cologne for men (30% infused rose-water,…
Red Flags That Your American Facebook Group is Probably Run by a Russian Bot
The phrases in the posts and comments aren’t quite right:
You…
The Real Reasons That Fans Are So Upset By The New Star Wars Movie
There is a disturbance in the Force. Or perhaps its simply…
“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!
A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…
List Of Illegal Moves In Chess
Castling after having earlier moved your king.
Moving…
Man Slips On Pat Of Butter, Winds Up In Next Town
COLLINSVILLE, Illinois – When Wally Pavlicek decides to slip…
The GOP's Holiday Caroling Set List
Rudolph The Ineligible, Pre-Existing Condition Having Reindeer
Baby,…
He’s Got Really Small Hands After All and 8 Other New Disney World Rides Added in Honor of Trump’s New Wax Figure in Hall of Presidents
Jared Kushner’s Slum Lords of The Caribbean
He’s…
The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide
Moscow Mule Drink Set
You know those popular copper cups that…
How the Trumps Botch Christmas
“It's Christmas at ground zero,
Now the missiles are on their…
Santa's Letters to Celebrities as Children
Hi Anthony,
Thanks for the nice letter! …
Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition
Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast…
Creepy Guy With ‘Free Breast Exam’ T-Shirt Now Most Viable Women’s Health Option In Louisiana
The Louisiana Department of Health has released an official…
Quiz: George Carlin’s 7 Words You Can’t Say On TV or CDC’s 7 Words/Phrases Forbidden By Trump Administration
1 Comment
/
1. vulnerable
2.piss
3 motherfucker
4. entitlement
5. cunt
6.…
LEAKED! Roy Moore's Eventual Concession Speech
Alright pilgrims, looks like it’s come to this: defeated by…
Holiday Carols for Mercury Retrograde
“I May or May Not Be Home for Christmas”
I’ve been sitting…
The Dark Truth Behind Popular Christmas Songs, As Told By Supporting Characters
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"
As told by: Dasher
Okay, let…
Duck Dynasty crew to release Christmas CD “What Would Jesus Shoot?”
The cast of “Duck Dynasty” announced, for all their fans…
News from the Even-Handed Gazette
(The ‘unbiased’ coverage our leaders have clamored…
A Few Things That You Need To Know About Net Neutrality
Under Net Neutrality, all women on YouPorn now look sort of like…
Exiting Brexit: 10 Ways For The UK To Offset Losses After Final Leaving E.U Negotiations
A Reverse Mortgage for Buckingham Palace
Nothing will put a…
FOX Executives Discusses The Four
Fox Executive 1: Now this is exciting! A chance to remind people…
Tea Flavor Descriptions That Are Trying To Tell You Something
Classic Green Tea
We pick the finest leaves from the highest…
Classic Rock for Domesticated Dads
(Don't Fear) The Swiffer
You Shook Me…
Why Trump wants to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem
Frees up prime real estate in Tel Aviv for developing Trump Kasino…
Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns
No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring…
The Trump-Lincoln Ford’s Theater Luxury Casino
“They call you Lady Luck,
But there is room for doubt,
At…
5 Takeaways from The Christmas Classic, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
Reindeer can be real a-holes. How else do you explain, “All…
NOTICE: Curriculum Update to Reflect Current Industry Standards: Department of Journalism & Creative Media, University of Alabama
To the Class of 2021,
Welcome to the Department…
New Turkey Stuffings To Keep Thanksgiving Interesting
A slightly larger turkey
Creamed corn
Avocado…
Stop Saying "Turkey Day" and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames
The Great Cranberry Cotillion
Carb Christmas
Yelling…
Wait... Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD
1: Wait... Look, squirrel!
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:…
Recent Justice League Sexual Harassment Allegations
Super-powered individuals are placed on a pedestal in our society,…
Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things
Star Wars Character
Hands Solo
TV Show
Masturbating…
11 Celebrity Dogs from TV & Film and How They Utilized Their Fame
• Benji (Benji, 1974): Worked as a canvasser for the Reagan…
Still Spacey After All These Years
With a full list of questions regarding Kevin Spacey…
Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!
That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…
Implications of Twitter Giving Everyone 280 Characters
Forces Trump to wake up twice as early to maintain current tweetstorm…
Trump's Super Grand Asian Trip Itinerary
Nov 5: Spend half an hour explaining to the Asian press that…
Freeze Out: Captain Cold Booted From Legion Of Doom After Sexual Harassment Allegations
METROPOLIS -- Captain Cold, the supervillain known worldwide…
Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!
This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would…
What Abbreviated Band Names are Actually Short For
10cc. Member Lol Creme would always ask band mate Kevin Godley…
The Very Basic Facts Contained In The FBI's Released JFK Assassination Documents
The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination…
PIC QUIP: Trump's Art Collection
Chicago art museum says Renoir in Trump's NYC apartment is fake.…
Bistro Bistro Is Fully Booked
The first thing to know about Bistro Bistro is that no one answers…
Halloween Horror Flicks For People Who Don't Like Being Scared
I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone
VeryNormal Activity
The…
Terrifying Halloween Costumes Based On Our New Normal
Fine Person
Comes with shaved-head skull cap…
I Bought An Exercise Ball For My Desk And Now It’s Easier Than Ever To Masturbate at Work
I try to make healthy choices, so I bought an exercise ball to…
After 35 Years of Marriage, Dad Comes Out as Alien
STOWE, Ohio -- Following 35 years of marriage, and after seeing…
President Trump Makes Calls To Other Tragedy Victims Throughout History
"So, yeah... sad, very sad. It's a shame that he wasn't working…
Deleted Scenes From The Upcoming Spider-Man : Homecoming Blu Ray
Web-shooters go off accidentally while riding on the subway,…
Trump Speech-O-Matic
Many people wonder why the things President Trump says seem so…
Rejected New Names for the Weinstein Company
Bad Touch Productions
Hurricane Harvey Inc.
Just…
Trump IQ Test
President Donald Trump has challenged Secretary of State Rex…
Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier
Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed…
A Conversation Between Two Butts Who Just Butt-Dialed Each Other
1: Hi. I think you butt dialed me.
2: No, I saw…
Ways That Trump Could Be Even More Horribly Offensive To Puerto Rico
Visit the island and do a rain dance.
Ensure that paper…
How Bojack Horseman Changed Television: Every Character is Now a Horse
The Netflix original animated series Bojack Horseman has changed…
16 Quotes That Show Donald Trump Could Be Your Drunk Uncle
Proof that if you add 'Am I right, Sonny Boy?' to a Donald Trump…
Anthony Weiner's First Day Of Prison Mistakes
Asking to see the "toilet wine list".
Handing out…
O.J. Simpson To Do List
O.J. Simpson was released from prison Sunday and brought with…
Fear and Loathing in the White House Movie Theater
“I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may…
Pretty Basic Swingers' Club Etiquette
A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in…
List for the White House Handyman
We were able to obtain a copy of the list of requests and fixes…
All the New Cable Channels
"Comedy" Central. Reruns of all your classic shows that claim…
Too Many Talking Vehicles
Too Many Talking Vehicles was a television show in the 1980s…
Sean Spicer: Hollywood Wunderkind
“You can do this. We’ve all taken jobs we aren’t proud…
You May Have Been Affected By Our Recent Dog-Walking Breach. What to Do Next.
Dear Ellen,
As I’m sure you’re aware, the Park Slope community…
Quiz: Canadian Football League Team or Condom Brand
1. Stampeders
2 Blue Bombers
3. Trojans
4. Tiger Cats
5.…
Fall TV Preview
Buttock Moisteners, PI- Adventures of NYC detectives who moisten…
Things Everybody is Tired of Hearing a Skeleton Say
"I am made of bones."
"I…
Nihilistic Airport Announcements
Flight 666 to Death Valley will now be departing from Gate…
Back Cover Blurbs for Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir, “What Happened”
“Let Fake News Media like AmazonWashingtonPost and FailingNewYorkTimes…
John Tyler's White House Letter To James Knox Polk
Since the election, Americans have been asking what it means…
The InfoWars Hurricane Survival Guide
When a gust of wind blows down your doors, stick out your head,…
5 Things to Prepare for Once You’ve Released the Fallen Angel from Mike Pence's Urn
Oh dear. Now, you’ve done it.
Despite countless,…
White Noise Machine Settings Designed to Keep Socially Anxious People Up at Night
Crowded Room of People Dressed in Formal Wear
The…
Steve Bannon’s Netflix Queue -or- How Steven Bannon Will Spend the Next Few Weeks While Nursing a Wounded But Bloated Ego, Fomenting Hatred in his Heart, and Drinking Gallons of Cheap Gin from a Discarded Aunt Jemima Bottle and a Sterilized Nipple
Birth of a Nation
(the 1916 version, not leftist 2016 film…
A Drug Infested Den' And Other Trump Inspired New New Hampshire State Mottos
President Trump called New Hampshire 'A Drug Infested Den.' Look…
Welcome To Our Home – Instructions From Your Airbnb Hosts
Dear Mr. Brody ,
WELCOME! We are delighted…
Dear News-Detox Journal
Day 1. Here I am at the Bob Ross Artist…
So You've Wisely Decided Not To Evacuate During The Hurricane
So you've wisely decided not to evacuate during the hurricane.
Good…
White House Answering Machine
As you might imagine, the White House has been receiving thousands…
Donald Trump's Take On Classic Fairy Tales
Sure, ordering the murder of Snow White was evil, but nobody…
Chuck E. Cheese's Plans, Following The Break Up Of His Band The Pizza Time Players
Do some solo stuff, or maybe some hip-hop collaborations with…
Our Desperate Writing Submission for Breitbart
Hello! We are writers who have not had success being hired by…
Trump Fantasy Football League
Current and former members of President Trump's inner circle…
New Career Suggestions For My Freeloading, Annoying, Worthless Coworkers
Acting
They certainly have the practice of pretending to be…
There Are Many Sides to Blame For My Getting Dumped By Justin
I'd like to share, in the strongest possible way, the horrible…
How To Tell If You Watched The Eclipse Wrong
Your eyebrows fell into your mouth while you were screaming.
Your…
10 Things To Remember While Watching The Total Solar Eclipse
1) Staring straight at the sun during an eclipse could do serious…
Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish
As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…
Half A Dozen Other Nice Things That President Trump Has To Say About Hate-Mongering White Supremacists
"Wonderful... beautiful, even... penmanship on some of those…
ALT-Right Film Festival
Tiki Torch Song Trilogies
The Kids Are Alt Right
Do…
Employment Opportunities For The Recently Exposed Racist
Many of these marching white supremacist idiots have been exposed…
The Death Of America Takes A Holiday: Trump's Vacation Journal
Day 1
"Journal... may I call you Journal? Today was sort of…
HGTV Presents: Trump's White House Flippers
Trump speaks from behind his desk in the Oval Office:
"Listen,…
Scaramucci's Ten Day's Worth Of Accomplishments
Booked a spot on Celebrity Big Brother
Straightened the…
Other Cringe-Worthy Lines From Trump's Speech To The Boy Scouts
What is it you boys do? You tie knots and so on, and get…
Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word
Nanatuk
Venkatachalam
Nandipati
Appoggiatura
Feldenkrai
Buddiga
Tidmarsh
Succedaneum
Demarche
Sujoe
National…
Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season
After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center,…
Tripping Balls with the Founding Fathers
AUTHOR’S NOTE:
Many observers of President Donald J. Trump…