It’s the Audio Version of “The Dress”: Some People Hear “Yanny,” Others Hear “Laurel,” and You Hear the Voice of a Robot Demon Condemning You to Eternal Suffering

The internet is going crazy again, thanks to the most mind-blowingly…

10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding

Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. …

#RoyalPickUpLines

We got into the Royal Wedding mood and asked you for your best…

President Trump’s Short List for Veterans Affairs Secretary

Popeye John Rambo Sgt. Slaughter Blade The…

PIC QUIP: Trump’s Anniversary Gift To Mueller

I’ll Have You Know, Riding My Scooter Makes Getting To Sex Appointments Much Faster

On your left! Please move out of my way, I’m the adult man riding the Razor scooter, and I really need to get to my next sex appointment ASAP!

Talkward w/ guest Andy Newton

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and occasional poet Andy…

Trump Gets His Parade

Some folks are born made to wave the flag Ooh, they're red,…

Trends in New Nostalgia

The hottest fashion trend making waves this summer…

Prince Charles’ Drunken Toast To Prince Harry And Meghan Markle

"Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay.... OKAY!! I said okay!!!…

Bingeworthy New Kidlit Adaptations, Coming Soon From The Producers Of Breaking Bad

"Netflix’s gritty adaptation of Anne of Green Gables will return…

OFFICE MEMORANDUM: In Response to The Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We’ll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle

To: All LQP Employees From: LQP CEO Richard Smarsky Subject:…

36 More Questions To Fall in Love With Anyone

“In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “ To Fall in…

Rudy G’s “Makin’ Life A Breeze”- Rudy Giuliani’s Guide To Living Your Best Life!

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And…

Bodybuilder’s Bicep Explodes Killing Work-Out Partner

TARZANA, California – Mike “Cannon Ball” Tortuga, Mr. Olympus…

A Few Mighty, Uncanny Facts About Avengers: Infinity War

Iron Man is really pissed about Trump’s recent steel tariff…

Profiles of Men Who Have Earned the Title of “Super Dad”

David, 42, is a hedge fund manager and father of two children…

Charles Barkley Banned From Vegas “All You Can Eat” Buffets

Hall of Fame basketball great and hoops commentator Charles Barkley…

15 Ways To Determine If Your Facebook Post Contains Hate Speech

It uses derogatory language to describe a person, animal, country,…

15 Things That Are Unquestionably True at the Gym

Assuming the spread-eagle position in public is perfectly okay…

Affairs of the State: Love Notes To and From Russia With and Without Love

August 10, 2015 Dear Donald, You like strong leaders. I am…

Teddy Ruxpin Story Descriptions for the 21st Century

 The world sure has changed a lot since 1985! Teddy is ready…

The White House Party Planning Committee Brainstorms For Cinco de Mayo

TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party…

Potential Headliners for Next Year’s White House Correspondents Dinner

Gallagher 2 Mike Huckabee Jeff Dunham’s Terrorist…

Ohio Man Literally Zips His Lip

DAVENPORT, Ohio – Men have done many unusual things to try…

To Whoever Was Using This Glory Hole

What’s up, fellas! How are you guys doing? Enjoying the hole?…

Baseball Terms Explained for the Non-Baseball Fan By Someone Who Definitely Knows Baseball Very Well

AB - Player saw  “a bat” SB - Player “saw” a “bat” BK…

A Midsummer Night’s Shakespeare with Ryan Gosling

To prove that nothing is outside Ryan Gosling’s range as an…

What to Expect After Implantation of Your Newterus®, the Hottest Feminine Upgrade Yet!

"Female cosmetic genital surgery is rapidly gaining popularity."—Plastic…

New Apps for People Who Suffer From Time Mismanagement, Which Other People Shouldn’t Find So Problematic

Apologize Now - Are the apologies you give for your constant…

Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore

That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other…

Sean Hannity’s Other Secret Advisers

It turns out Michael Cohen isn't the only associate of President…

PIC QUIP: Chris Christie Portrait

Tap Dancing For The Criminally Insane

SPOKANE , Washington – Doctors at the Spokane Home For The…

Goldilocks and the Pineapple Train Wreck

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who had golden, curly…

Are You Hollywood Pansies Ready To Buy The Actionest Action Movie Of All Time?

Sup, bitches. Welcome to our pitch for the action movie-thriller-experience…

IGotThatPeePeeTape and 9 Other User Names To Get US Visas From Trump Administration

With the US requiring would-be immigrants to turn over social…

No, Your Honor, I Did Not Build A Fire Pit to Burn Documents Relevant to My Criminal Investigation

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to make a statement…

Would You Like To Work At Our Start Up?

Hello, Trailblazer! Are you a passionate, driven individual…

Unexpected Twists During ABC’s James Comey Interview

Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away…

Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad, We, the collected powers of France, the…

Paul Ryan’s Reasons For Leaving Congress

Now that Trump has made American so damn great again, there's…

Upgraded Beatles Lyrics 2.0

All You Need Is Like, Like Is All You Need Yelp! I Need…

Quiz: Megachurch or Megamillions?

This institution is designed to suck money from hapless…

Jokes My Sister Won’t Let Me Tell in a Toast at Her Wedding

It’s heartwarming to know that even in these tumultuous times,…

Least Surprising Items Found In The FBI’s Raid Of Michael Cohen

Pages and pages of printed Melrose Place fan message board transcripts. Doubles…

PIC QUIP: Paul Ryan

Portrait of a Young Zuckerberg

It is said that, as a child, Mark Zuckerberg got the idea for…

Tony Robbins Presents: “Unleash the Not-So-Risky and Therefore More Employable Power Within” Workshop

Are you a woman with skills to share, but no one…

A Brief History Of Thumb Twiddling

ADELAIDE, Australia - Most people see someone twiddling their…

Get Your Tickets Now: Special Promotions For The 2018 Baseball Season

April 16, Phillies @ Braves—Bark at the Park Night, plus a…

A Look Back at Vince McMahon’s XPL: The Xtreme Polo League

Nearly 20 years after its much heralded but ultimately failed…

Cakes Religious Bakers Are Willing To Make

If you live in a God-fearing town, there are plenty of non-traditional,…

Other Trumped Versions Of Headlines That Criticize His Actions

After seeing this POLITICO article: Trump tries his hand at…

Public Bathroom Etiquette: 11 Things You Don’t Say at Urinals

After multiple urinal related altercations in restrooms across…

11 Cereal Brands, Ranked by How Much They Could Also Be Cults

11. Trader Joe’s 10. America’s Choice 9. General…

Aphrodisiacs That’ll Get You Real Horned Up In No Time

Someone else’s leftovers Costco samples A lettuce leaf that…

Frozen on Broadway Review: It’ll Run Forever Anyway So What’s the Point

Disney’s chillest musical opened on Broadway this Thursday…

Trump’s Search For The Perfect Lawyer

After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox…

Overheard at the White House Easter Egg Roll

Egg roll? I thought we don’t allow Chinese people in the White…

Doggy Dancing- A New Cure For Loneliness

NEW YORK CITY – Leave it to New York City to come up with the…

Play Ball!: People Trump Would Like to Throw Out Instead of Traditional First Pitch

Carmen San Diego Mueller Random Cabinet Member Mueller Overrated…

Paul Manafort’s 7 Keys to a More Deliberate Life

Welcome, everyone, and congratulations, because just by being…

Yes, We Used Production Assistant Meat as a Mystery Basket Ingredient on “Chopped”

Hello Chopped fans, concerned citizens, and law enforcement officers. …

10 Alternate Expressions to Use When “Cutting Onions” Seems Played Out

Ok, so you just read something that brought tears to your eyes,…

Wedding Rejection Emails

Listen to this article! Dear Mary, I regret to inform…

Updated Checklist for Future Screening of Potentially Dangerous Presidential Candidates

Party Chairpersons: While assessing your potential candidate,…

Sea Monkeys, A Starter Kit for Disappointment

Long before Facebook and Instagram gave the masses the tools…

New Details Following The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview…

Members of Trump's organization threatened Stormy following the…

The White House’s Nine-Point Plan to Make America’s Schools Safe Again

1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational…

Yelp Reviews of The Last Supper

Categories: Mediterranean Locations: Jerusalem Attire: Casual Good…

11 Amazing & Exciting Gluten-Free Foods!

Gluten-Free Russian Potato Vodka Gluten-Free Corn Chips Gluten-Free…

PlentyOfPrisoners and 11 Other Sites For People Who Confuse Crazy In Love w/Being In Love w/Someone Crazy

eHarmMe eBodilyHarmony ChristianMangle PlentyOfPrisoners AdultFiendFinder Cra-Cra…

Other ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump

In regards to Putin's reelection win,  Trump's advisors had…

Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist

Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered…

Donald Trump Jr. Resigns

Engulfed in a widening scandal involving a divorce from his wife…

Do Not Push the Red Button

Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…

Star Wars The Last Jedi Blu-ray Bonus Features

Commentary Tracks Director’s Commentary Rian Johnson…

Vladimir Putin’s Top Campaign Promises

Vladimir Putin won re-election as Russian President  and immediately…

5 Ways to Manage Your Yeast Infection While Protesting Outside Planned Parenthood

 Being a Christian is awfully hard these days. It’s even harder…

A Day In The Life Of Sean Hannity

Wake up, take morning piss (mostly blood). Make coffee while…

It’s Not A Theme Park, It’s HBO

Following the smashing success of Westworld: The Experience at…

Department Of Defense Itemized Trump Property Charges

This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just…

Rejected Headlines For Rex Tillerson Firing After Someone Thought Of ‘REXIT’

Tilt-R-Son?! Rex, Eat Your Salad. Former Gas Salesman Gaslit…

The Best Jokes By Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot About Elon Musk’s Secret New Joke-Writing Robot

This week, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk made news by hiring former…

PIC QUIP: Jelly Beans

Quiz: New Diet Coke Flavor or Porn Star

1. Brandi Love 2. Feisty Cherry 3. Cherrie DeVille 4.…

Man Tattoos Muscular Body On His Own Scrawny Frame

SACRAMENTO, California - Tired of being picked on for his scrawny,…

The Real Reasons That Stormy Daniels Is Suing Trump

Trauma incurred by having accidentally glimpsing his scabby,…

Jobs Well-Suited For A Disillusioned Twenty-Something Office Worker

Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety…

How To Tell If Your Voice-Activated Personal Assistant Technology Is Trying To Kill You

1. You ask it to turn on the lights in your living room, and…

NRA Kid Books

We’ve all heard about NRA TV and the gun happy shows they…

Job Application: Russian Troll Farm

Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely…

An Open Letter to my 5K Training App

Dear 5K Training App, I feel guilty about the way I handled…

The Whispering Village Of Turkmenistan

TURKMENISTAN – There’s a tiny village in Turkmenistan called…

Flu Watch 2018: Symptoms We’re Already Dead

Reports are in, and the toxicity of this year’s flu strains,…

Dead Celebrity Museum

  Elvis Presley's Hips Fit for a king. The very…

One Weird Day in the Trump White House

Author’s Note: As your intrepid White House correspondent…

My Bombshell Revelation: I, Your Friendly Office Co-Worker, Am Actually an Asshole

My fellow GloboPlanet Corporate Headquarters Employees: It…

Possible Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee Spinoffs

Writers in Winnebagos drinking wine Veterinarians on Vespas…

Things Oprah Might Think Are A Sign From God That She Should Run For President

1. She walks into her dressing room, and a burning bush that…

Hope Hicks Updated LinkedIn Profile

Hope Hicks Former White House Communications Director, current…

If Trump Had Run Into The Florida School Shooting

President Donald J. Trump said this week that if he had been…

The Best Lyrics From Limp Bizkit’s New Apology Album

Limp Bizkit’s highly anticipated sixth studio album, Stampede…

Corporate Sponsors Who Have Turned Their Back On The NRA, Surprising Everyone With The Fact That They Were NRA Sponsors In The First Place!

You've heard of rats deserting a sinking ship, right?   Well,…

Dentist Accidentally Extracts Man’s Face

BISMARCK, North Dakota – Len Wheaton went to the dentist expecting…

The GOP’s Guide To Fun Ways Of Blowing Off Steam After CPAC

Being a soulless, Conservative windbag isn't as easy or fun as…

Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours

In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry…

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller

January 29, 2018 Talk about a banner day for Stephen…

Welcome to Mobility University™, an AT&T® Institution!

Welcome, new faculty member!   AT&T® is a recognized…

Quiz: Tender Catcall Bestowed Upon Me or Michael Bolton Song?

1. How Can We Be Lovers 2. Are You Taken? 3. Murder My…

Other Bits Of Dirt Unearthed By The Mueller Investigation

President Trump is a regular user of Tinkler, the Tinder…

As An Olympic Curler I Resent Being Asked To Sweep Out The Garage

Honey, I feel like we’ve been over this a thousand times.   On…

Baby Born With Antlers

NOME, Alaska - Rachel Binster was expecting twins. The one thing…

That’s The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners

 I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog - Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’…

Missed Connections Ads to My Childhood Crushes

Maybe our names aren’t the only things that go together? We…

Storylines for the Next Batch of Cloverfield Movies

The Cloverfield FRIENDS! At last, the 90 minute “Friends”…

Tricky Dick Tutors Trump on Treachery

Here's to the State of Richard Nixon For underneath his borders…

An Open Letter from the Giant Teddy Bear You Received Last Valentine’s Day

Dear Roxanne,   It’s me again. 337 days, Roxanne. It’s…

Most Romantic Valentine’s Day Lies

  “I’ll love you forever.” In cosmic terms, a human…

Daily Itinerary Of Hope Hicks

6 am - 11:18 am:  Busy work until the president arrives at the…

Is This Eulogy A Bad Time To Announce That I’m Running For Office?

Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to honor the memory…

Ladies, It’s Snack Time

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said in an interview last week that the…

Valentines for America’s Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…

Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials

"A Tale of Two Tweets” At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr.…

Other Notable Trysts that Quincy Jones Forgot to Mention in His Vulture Interview

Post Vulture interview, Quincy got a couple quick BJs from his…

All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions

A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line An…

Highlights Of Trump’s Planned Military Parade

The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere.…

Man In Wyoming Builds Family A Nest

ELK MOUNTAIN, Wyoming – Wade Truesdale was proud of the house…

Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the…

Thank You For Considering My Application To Be The Next Dalai Lama

Esteemed High Lamas and Lay Members of the Reincarnation Search…

Winter Brooklympic Events

Garbage pile skeleton Slush puddle Salchow Digging…

Common Complaints About Popular Sex Toys

We asked, you answered.   Results from our first Weekly Humorist…

Biggest State of the Union Surprises

When Melania’s code malfunctions and she receives a phone call…

PIC QUIP: Costco

Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

First Steps   SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?   YOU:…

Thin Man Travels The World By Overnight Mail

HELSINKI, Finland – Travis Purn had an itch to travel. The…

PIC QUIP: Copp-a-feel

Reading 10,000 Books a Year is Easy—Just Do What I Do!

Listen to audiobooks to mix it up Audiobooks are the best! They’re…

Stormy Daniels’ Non-Disclosure Agreement

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT This Non-disclosure Agreement by and…

PIC QUIP: Stormy Daniels

Best Names For A Trump White House Garage Band

Stable Genius and the Unindicted Co-Conspirators Obama…

Weekly Humorist’s Guide To Hip, Hot Mid-Season Replacement TV Shows!

Listen to this article.   Muff Divers   Trinity…

8 Eerie Similarities That Show How Close The Queen Of England And Lindsay Lohan Are To Being The Same Person

The Queen doesn’t need a passport to travel. Lindsay has had…