Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

SLEEP-INDUCING LAMPLIGHTER ROLEPLAY- Artist: Édouard-Léon Scott de Martinville: The French bookseller/inventor provides hushed descriptions of awkwardly mounting a ladder and lighting candles by means of a wick affixed to a long shaft.  The effect is as if the wick is miraculously thrust into the listener’s ear -- delicious shudders abound! 

Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes -- online dating is weird now.

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

Titanic: The ill-fated ship never ends up sailing because, well, COVID. Jack ended up just hanging out in Southampton continuing to make each day count, and playing card games that allowed him to maintain a safe social distance. Rose of course ends up married to Cal, but not without building a really impressive Pinterest board of wedding ideas first! It made for a really boring movie, but the ending is now unbelievably happy. 1,500 people got to live, and the marriage between Billy Zane and Kate Winslet produced some ridiculously good-looking children.

Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.

Sorry to hear of your brother's passing. Why didn't he ask for hydroxychloroquine?

“Grey Gardens” The excess of the roaring twenties comes to life.  Grab your mom, several feral kittens, and some cans of corn and prepare to dance the night away. Playlist suggestions: “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince; “Crazy for You” by Madonna; “Old Money” by Lana del Ray.

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

“Amelia!!” she cried. “What have you done?! Why is the window broken???” “Because of the pandemic!” said Amelia. “I had to get those things out of here as quickly as possible!” “Amelia!” cried Mrs. Rogers. “The pandemic doesn’t have anything to do with pans!”  “Oh, rats,” said Amelia. “Well at least now we’ll get some fresh air!” “The air is full of germs, Amelia!!

It’s the end of the word as we know it, and I need wine (It’s the end of the word as we know it, REM)

Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you'd thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we'll take those rascals off of your hands!

I Am Not Throwing Away My Slot: Vigilance, Grit and Determination in the Face of All Odds of Snagging an Instacart Delivery Time, with Lin Manuel Miranda

Zip-Zap-Zoom: It’s like Zip-Zap-Zop, but nobody knows who you just passed the energy to because you’re on a Zoom call. 

Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.

Let’s get our dentists back to work, so they can put their faces inches away from ours and their fingers inside our mouths to remove tartar, take X-rays, apply veneers, and provide Fluoride treatments. These brave souls don’t just fill our dental cavities, they fill the cavities of our lives.

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

We do not anticipate needing to resort to desperate measures, such as having veggies.

You and your imaginary friend lying on the floor with your heads touching. (Make sure your imaginary friend is at least three inches). Need to adjust based on height.

French Nip, BLTease, Jon Hamm & Chesse, and more #SexySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

CALPURNIA: Atticus, you better check your lipstick before you even think of coming to talk to me.  *Does a sultry hair flip and eye ball roll.*  Now, don’t go tugging at that dress, Scout. You want to have it all wrinkled before you even get to school? 

I tried cutting my own hair and am too embarrassed to be seen for the next few weeks. How about you just text me and I’ll get back to you when I get the chance?

KWALLA-T Tissue. Like an actual koala, KWALLA-T is tough, smells like eucalyptus, and may scratch you if you get too close.

Dear Nuts...   You're trying to get me to use the phrase, "you should drain your lizard".   And I'm not going to do it.   Nope.   Please discontinue this nonsense.

Look, I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t re-follow me, I’ll have to unfollow you. Then I would have to manually check your Twitter every couple days to see what you’ve been saying, and that would really be a pain. 

What was it like growing up in the heartland? Jack: Well, back then we didn’t have a care in the world.  We’d spend all of our days suckin’ on chili dogs outside the Tastee Freez.  That may have contributed to my heart disease and Diane’s diabetes.

Show Me Your Tetris, The Oregon Happy Trail, Assteroids, and more #VivaciousVideoGames on this week's joke game!

The whole tragic, last days of Christ had been imprinted on our our little Catholic brains since Kindergarten. Images of that poor, super-skinny dead man, hammered into splintery wood, with prickers on his bleeding head, were so commonplace that, by age eleven, looking at it was about as troubling as looking at a hamburger.

Grab dice from other player’s hand, chuck across room and move pieces on board while America is looking the other way.

Grim & Tonic, Mountain Blue, Red Whine, and more #DepressedDrinks on this week's trending joke game!

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started!

With a gleam in his eye, the doctor jibes: “That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual, because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left!”

“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!

How can my book protect you, then? Well, for one thing, it’s such a compelling read you won’t want to leave your house, and if you don’t leave your house, you can’t catch anything.

'Blouse Trap', 'Go Fist', 'Sorry, Wrong Hole'. Oh my, things got adult and we trended with #NaughtyBoardGames on this week's joke game!

It took Little Red Riding Hood all of five seconds to get over her grandmother’s death. And, unknown to the Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood had the super-human strength of ten giant hamsters and quickly subdued him.

Game of Scones, Griddle House on the Prairie, Murder She Oat, Buns of Anarchy, and more #BreakfastATVshow on this week's joke game!

Scott Baio, Heave, Make certain Gary Coleman is sedated, and more!

You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?

Timothy Elephant, Chick Norris, Betty White Shark, and more #CelebAnAnimal on this week's joke game!

On Facebook, the world continues to forge relationships with obnoxious emojis at the expense of human-to-human contact and Harrison Ford is co-starring with a dog that doesn’t exist. How will you as president rein in the world’s growing artifice and bring back actual life to this country?

What do you keep in your bra gaps? Written by Claire Tadokoro, and illustrated by Sarah Kempa.

Whew, this is a long email. I bet it’s worn you out! Time for a relaxing shower to get the kinks out of those knotted-up back muscles. Which reminds us—you might want to get that mole on your shoulder blade checked out, the edges are a little irregular. And hey, you don’t need to shave everything. 

1. A Pirate Looks at Forty 2. Pencil Thin Mustache 3. Changes…

Lord and Lady Quittersley, Mr. and Mrs. Filthy-Commoner, and more.