
Paul Manafort's To Do List
Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.

NASDAQ Listing, Rhyme Scheme or Swedish Pop Band
1. ABAB
2. AAC
3. AHO
4. ABBA
5. AA BB
6. AVHA
7.…

So, a Character in a Thing You Like Has Been Cast, With a Non-Straight White Male and You Are Angry. A Next Step Guide.
Resist the urge to make a "White Luke Cage" argument.
Do…

#BoringCampFireStories
This week we were bored to death by your #BoringCampFireStories!…

4 Sex Positions Where You Can Secretly Watch a Steve Harvey Hosted Show
Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night
Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel,…

So, What Exactly Do You Have To Do To Get Your Security Clearance Revoked By Trump?
Delete episodes of To Catch A Predator from his DVR ("Lots of…

A Dozen New Oscars So That Your Favorite Wins Something
1. Best Live Action Feature with Talking Infants or Animals
2.…

Now Available In The App Store!
Areola Cola
Amazing app that takes plain old breast milk and…

Literary Tropes That We, the Artificial Intelligence-run Publishing House of the Future, Are No Longer Interested In
Romance novels in which a doomed love affair ends with both sentient…

Short Sleeve Suits All The Rage In L.A.
MILAN, Italy -- Internationally known and respected men's clothing…

The NRA is Attempting to Raise Additional Funds Through the Sale of Cookies Because Those Girl Scout Brats Never Need to Launder Russian Money to Stay Solvent
Since 1871, the NRA has been the backbone of conservative values…


Kane Mutiny And Captain O’ Captain Lou Albino vs. The On The Road Warriors and 7 Other Wrestlemania Matches: The Norton Anthology Of Literature Edition
Brett Hart of Darkness vs. Sgt. Slaughter House Five
Rowdy…

20 Hairstyles for Fox News Personalities
Bad Ombré
The Extreme Bias Cut
Sleek, With Side-Swept…

#BadWaysToCoolOff
We beat the heat this week with #BadWaysToCoolOff! Here are some…

Classic Male Movies Remade as “Feminist” Flicks
Ghostbusters, Oceans 8, and the coming-soon remakes of timeless stories like 'What a Woman Wants' have shown us that women have very low standards for what is considered a feminist “win” for Hollywood. So here are my pitches for the next ballbuster blockbuster...

The Stars of the 2016 Election: Where Are They Now?
If you remember back to what seems like 10 years ago, there were…

Groucho Marx: ‘I wouldn’t want to belong to a LinkedIn group that would have me as a member,’ and 11 Other Famous Quotes Updated for Millennials
Bible: Let he who is without sin podcast throwing the first stone
Shakespeare’s…

Pop Music Challenges To Try After Drake’s KiKi Challenge
If you’ve already completed Drake’s challenge, which involves…

#OfficeLifeMantra
Breath in. Breath out. Relax - here are our best #OfficeLifeMantras!…

If The Rules of Fight Club Were Repurposed for Book Club
The first rule of Book Club is: you do not talk about Book Club.
The…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media: “The President clearly meant you need id to buy groceries”
Before we start, I just want to note how disappointed I am in…

Other Recent Changes To Your MoviePass Account
MoviePass announced it is raising its price and cutting access…

Guy Fieri Receives His Enneagram Results
IT’S TRUE, PEOPLE: Even the Mayor of Flavortown™ needs to…

Fun Summer Activities at U.S. Immigration Camp Internment!
Features:
Bunk Buddies! — Gain the confidence of being…

Quiz: Ernest Hemingway or “Florida Man”?
Tied a weather balloon to his gun to make his suicide look…

A Taste of Honeypot: One Senator’s Night with Maria Butina
So then, she says she’d like to discuss national reciprocity…

13 Fun Things You Didn’t Know About Class Reunions
Brush up on the history of this strange custom before you attend…


Biggest Scoops And Spoilers From 2018 Comic-Con International: San Diego
Within the next couple of months or so, there are going to be…

Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah!
Welcome to Greg & Jackie’s Wedding Site—Fuck Yeah!
August…

#TerribleTedTalks
We made the mistake of asking for your #TerribleTedTalk ideas,…

The Soul Child, the Poet, and the Bedford-Stuyvesant Y
He placed his hands on my hips in what our instructor, Diego,…

Half-Assed Apologies From Historic Leaders For Egregious Crimes Against Humanity
Pharaoh of The Exodus
When I enslaved the Israelites…

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting
This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

Upcoming Rebooted TV Shows
Everyone is out of new ideas, it seems. In creative mediums…

White House Revised List: Donald Trump’s Favorite Things
Favorite Golfer: Tiger Wouldn’ts
Favorite Tongue Twister:…

Synopsis: Aunt-Man and the W.A.S.P.
When Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) catches two homeless kids…

‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President
George Washington: I can tell a lie. Cherry tree? What cherry…

Baseball’s State-of-the-Union
As the 89th annual Midsummer Classic is upon us, it’s that time again when baseball sizes up how to improve public perception and sales after the All-Star break, or really, the old-age question; “How do we draw more of today’s youth to the sport to fill more seats?”

Epic Gender Reveal Party Theme Ideas for Men
Football Game Gender Reveal: Hire two professional football…

Regional Variations on S’mores
There’s no snack more quintessentially summery than s’mores.…

A Passive-Aggressive Conversation Between My Loud Neighbor And Me, Via Wi-Fi Network Names
My Wifi Network Name:
Turn Down Your TV
Seriously…

A Prepared Statement for Fighting My Speeding Ticket
Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of traffic court, I am here…

Other Times Meghan Markle Has Broken Royal Protocol
Meghan Markle has caused a stir by breaking royal protocol…

#KnockOffCelebrities
In honor of all of the happy celebrity engagements that have…

Rejected Trump Balloon Concepts (after settling on the fat Trump baby)
Leering Trump balloon groping Garfield balloon.
Trump…

Man Allergic To Clothing Gets Permission To Come To Work Nude
PENSACOLA, Florida – Jack Navish had worn clothing all his…

Quiz: Deadly Sin or Snow White Dwarf
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Sneezy
4. Greed
5.…

Affirmations To Reduce Worry When The News Media Stops Covering #Kidgate 2018
By the time you read this, we will still be in a highly polarized,…

#SexyPicnicFoods
To celebrate America's sexiest holiday, the 4th of July, we asked…

The Tri-State Area’s Lowest-Rated Birthday Party Clowns
The Clown That Ran Over Your Dog While He Was Parking, and Diabeeto: The Clown That Needs to Give Himself a Shot Real Quick. Smile!

Michael Cohen’s Legal Flashcards
Questions to look up beforehand (see Yahoo Answers?):
Larceny
Bribery…

How To Monetize Your Kitten
Now that you brought home your new cat, it’s time to take this…

Rough Start to Summer: A Lifeguard Has Ordered the Ocean Drained After a Whale Pooped In It
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus, it's gross.

Surgeon General Encourages Thumb-Sucking for Politicians
Thumb sucking - it's the next logical step.

Are You There, Cthulhu? It’s Me, Margaret.
If only we had this kind of content during our vulnerable years - maybe it wold have all turned out differently.

An Asylum Seeking Migrant Answers Tricky Office Job Interview Questions
They always try to get you with those trick questions.

Morning Meditation for Flat Earthers
If the Earth is round, then how does the water stay?

Rejected Summer Camp Activities
Summer camp is the place for a lot of things: S'mores, Candle Making, Friendship, Etc. But thankfully camp is not the place for any of THESE things.

President Trump’s Definitive Shortlist Of Supreme Court Justice Picks
This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you've read today.

VIDEO: Drama at the Office
How do you tell someone you have literally no desire to see what they've been working on - but, like, in a nice way?

Look What I Can Do! | God | TEDx
Well, that didn't play out quite like we thought it would.

#PerformanceReviewIn5words
But actually, how are any of these people employed?

Rainbow Trout and 13 Other LGBTQ Friendly Things Hungarian Right Wingers Might Want to Ban Along with The Musical Billy Elliot
You really just have to get rid of all of it or people might actually start being themselves.

More Trump Poems
Poetry is really one of the only truly beautiful things we have left.

Rejected Happy Hour Specialty Cocktails
Flint Still Doesn’t Have Clean Water -arita (@MattHarbert)
Dark…

Football Moves That Can Also Be Used To Reject People Hitting On You In Bars
You’re probably aware of the game they call football. But…

Ex-Barber Builds Home Out Of Human Hair
SVENSPOT, Sweden -- Most people work all their lives to be able…

Lines I Imagine Jeff Goldblum Saying In "Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom"
“Life, uh, finds a way. For the fifth time, apparently.”
“I…

A Letter From Space Force Training
Hi Mom. Thanks for the note. I miss you too.
Things…

Forever 21 to Life and 8 Other Wedding Registries For People Marrying Their ‘In The Pen Pal’
So, your female bestie’s ‘In The Pen Pal’ beau has proposed…

11 Things You Never Knew About “The Jetsons”
In 1962, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera pitched a primetime…

More Offensive Jackets Worn By Melania
Many were shocked and appalled by the First Lady’s lack of…

“Alexa, Self-Destruct” And Other Ways To Delete What Alexa Records You Saying
With the recent news that Amazon’s Alexa device saves recordings…

#DrunkWaterSports
It’s getting hot out, which means it's time to take to the…

Your Basic Economy Flight Add-Ons
Seating
$50: upgrade from inside the wooden crate in the luggage compartment to a seat on top of a battered suitcase in the luggage compartment.
$150: upgrade to the toilet when it’s not occupied.

It’s Not the Holocaust Tho
ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t…

Revised Duran Duran Titles for Generation X-ers Heading into Their Fifties
The Reflux
Hungry Like the Wolf, After Fasting for 24…

Dad Jokes: Just the Punchlines
I don’t know, CAN you assume I don’t want to be resuscitated? and more punchlines from Dad Jokes.

James Joyce Writes Taglines for Famous Movies
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Frolick too late, no joy.
The…

The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams
Stay Organized
Between the guest list, the registry, and…

A Friendly Welcome/Formal Warning Letter from Your Neighborhood Homeowners Association
Dear New Resident,
Greetings and welcome to the…

Donald Trump’s Hair to Announce It’s Transitioning Into A Quilt
The news just got a bit more hair-raising as it relates to the…

A Sampling of the Times I Said “I’m Sorry” on My European Tour of Self Discovery
In the palace square, when I walked a little too close to a few…

#SadAmusementParkRides
It's summertime, which means the season for sweating in amusement…

Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities
During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled…

International House of Pancakes, Iconic Breakfast Restaurant, Dead at 60
Known for their breakfast and contributions to American obesity,…

A Viewer’s Guide To World Cup Injuries
Injuries are a part of every sport. A hockey player might lose…

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!
After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

Overheard At The G7 Summit...
"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!"
"Hey, what's with…

College Admits 10 Month Old Infant Genius
FRANKFORT, Kentucky -- Most 10 month old babies are still pre-occupied…

Worst Vacation Roadside Attractions
Tovar's Wide World Of Raisins:
What seems initially to…

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot
I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

The Art Of The Slaughter: 7 More Humane Ways To Kill Your Livestock
1. Take your animal to an upscale Italian restaurant. About…

For MTV’s ‘Real World’ There’s No Place Like Nome
MTV’s ‘Real World’ announced its latest destination - Nome,…

What Your Favorite Writer Says About You
Find out what your taste in authors says about you as a person. And yes, this is definitive.

#BadSummerBooks
We're putting together a summer reading list so we can go on…

My Internet History Is Crazier Than Yours
My internet history is the craziest out of anyone. Seriously,…

TV Newscast from Bizarro World
Local TV evening six o’clock newscast
INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

Governor’s Ball presents a new VIP experience: The Velveeta Cheese Chain Smoking Tent brought to you by Crocs Shoes
In case there wasn’t enough glitter and Woodstock nostalgia…

11’ Tall Basketball Player Found In Namibia Running With Giraffes
INDIANAPOLIS – At 7’7”, Manute Bol never thought he’d…

Things You Say to a Dead Loved One OR Your Kid When They’re at Sleep Away Camp for the First Time
We miss you terribly.
Are you making…

Margaritaville, Inc.’s Annual Report, By Jimmy Buffett
Mahalo shareholders, stakeholders and loyal Parrotheads. Margaritaville,…

#SadSummerInternTasks
It's interning season and we asked you for your best #SadSummerInternTasks,…

Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist
“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It…

Products Affected By China's New Tariffs
Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers
George Foreman's At-Home…

Quiz: Actual Ambien Side Effect or Roseanne Ambien Side Effect
1. Clumsiness or Unsteadiness
2 Confusion
3 Depression
4 Difficulty…

Other Odd Side Effects Of Popular Drugs
Roseanne has blamed her racist Tweet on the drug Ambien, which…

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed
Aries
Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…

Man Stretches Out In Gym – Against His Will
CHARLESTON, West Virginia -- Ralph Swane went to his gym expecting…

Great Pacific Garbage Patch Timeshare Opportunities
Now that the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is growing to a size two…

#BadBBQRubs
We got geared up for the summer season and asked you for your…

Answers to the Questions Bob Dylan Poses in 'Blowin' in the Wind'
Q: "How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a…

Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By...
Crazy Chill
Jungle Juice
Crazy Hump
Wild Cherry
…

Most Affordable Memorial Day Weekend Getaways
Everyone you know is going somewhere this weekend. So if you're…

Basic Cable, I have some questions.
After 19 months of winter, under self-imposed house arrest, it’s…

How to Get More Sleep
Keep In Sync With Your Body’s Sleep Cycle
We know maintaining…

How to Keep Your House Cool This Summer
It’s almost summer, so you know what that means: Things are…

The NFL All New National Anthem Policy
The NFL announced a new national anthem policy today:
Players…

In the Event One of the Kids Becomes Patient Zero, and Other Job Requirements at a Children’s Entertainment Franchise
We’ve been the source of quality family entertainment since…

Favorite Sites On The Dark Web
Mr. Skinned Knee, FOX NEWS and other popular sites on The Dark Web...

9 Things That Are Definitely More Responsible For School Shootings Than Guns
Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances…

Trump Finally Saw Avengers: Infinity War
Looks like Trump finally saw Infinity War and he's got some tweets for his new most admirable and very best new friend Thanos.

Overhead At The Royal Wedding
"Chicken nuggets on the buffet!! The Trumps are coming??"
"Look…

Comedian Kills Half His Elderly Audience With Great Joke
RIVERDALE, New York – All comedians like to be told they “killed”…

It’s the Audio Version of “The Dress”: Some People Hear “Yanny,” Others Hear “Laurel,” and You Hear the Voice of a Robot Demon Condemning You to Eternal Suffering
The internet is going crazy again, thanks to the most mind-blowingly…

10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding
Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform. …

#RoyalPickUpLines
We got into the Royal Wedding mood and asked you for your best…

President Trump’s Short List for Veterans Affairs Secretary
Popeye
John Rambo
Sgt. Slaughter
Blade
The…


I’ll Have You Know, Riding My Scooter Makes Getting To Sex Appointments Much Faster
On your left! Please move out of my way, I’m the adult man riding the Razor scooter, and I really need to get to my next sex appointment ASAP!

Talkward w/ guest Andy Newton
Today on Talkward is comedy writer and occasional poet Andy…

Trump Gets His Parade
Some folks are born made to wave the flag
Ooh, they're red,…

Trends in New Nostalgia
The hottest fashion trend making waves this summer…

Prince Charles' Drunken Toast To Prince Harry And Meghan Markle
"Hmm? What, already? Okay, okay, okay.... OKAY!! I said okay!!!…

Bingeworthy New Kidlit Adaptations, Coming Soon From The Producers Of Breaking Bad
"Netflix’s gritty adaptation of Anne of Green Gables will return…

OFFICE MEMORANDUM: In Response to The Workplace Satisfaction Survey, We'll Be Renovating Our Office Space into a Jungle
To: All LQP Employees
From: LQP CEO Richard Smarsky
Subject:…

36 More Questions To Fall in Love With Anyone
“In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “ To Fall in…

Rudy G's "Makin' Life A Breeze"- Rudy Giuliani's Guide To Living Your Best Life!
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Life can be crazy sometimes. And…

Bodybuilder’s Bicep Explodes Killing Work-Out Partner
TARZANA, California – Mike “Cannon Ball” Tortuga, Mr. Olympus…

A Few Mighty, Uncanny Facts About Avengers: Infinity War
Iron Man is really pissed about Trump’s recent steel tariff…

Profiles of Men Who Have Earned the Title of “Super Dad”
David, 42, is a hedge fund manager and father of two children…